Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Blame it on the satellite that beams me home
(black star, radiohead)

~*~

If I told you I just cancelled my flight to America would you call me insane
[Like it or not, darren hayes (yes, I like him! like it or not! :p)]

I've never felt so lost before, as I walk through the glass-sheltered corridors of the airport.

The sunlight shines through, and in my jacket, it actually feels kind of warm. December and warm somehow just doesn't go together, and all of a sudden I feel like I'm a plant in the greenhouse, growing as I move along.

I know it isn't true, goddamnit. I know you've already flown off to London. And I'm not a goddamned plant 'cause I have no goddamned roots.

If I told you I just cancelled my flight to America…

…Would you call me insane?

You'd probably yell at me or something. What the fuck are you doing, you… Would you call me bitch, or nutcase? I seriously don't know, 'cause I'm both.

See, I want you to feel guilty.

For stealing my heart away.

Your flight is going to lift off soon. Should I? I really don't know. I run towards the terminal. I've been to this airport so many times and I never cease to be amazed at how much it seems like a maze to me. So now, I'm running through this glass-sheltered maze, as the sunlight permeates through my skin.

Hyde.

You smile at me as you stand in the queue, waving at me.

"Aren't you going to America?"

"I just cancelled my flight." I smile helplessly. Like an idiot.

"You're insane!" You look totally incredulous. So much so that I really can't help but laugh even harder. Like an idiot.

"Yeah. I know. I've come just to see you, you know."

The sun shines through the glass pane, the rays sneaking around your head. It's so blinding, it's like a halo.

Because I love Hyde.

He's like a God.

"Go to America. You're supposed to record your second single…"

"I'm not. It's not selling well. I'm not even going to try." I lower my head, my fringe falls forward, into my eyes.

He smiles, and touches my hair. He's as tall as I am, because he's wearing heels, and I'm wearing flats. Idiot. Idiot!

He's short, but he kicks ass. I watch as he moves, strong muscles flexing. The way he stands, almost so that one butt is slightly higher than the other.

So strong.

"Don't be silly. It'll still be good music."

I still beg him with my eyes.

I haven't touched him. Does he know how much I missed him when I was in NYC last time? Like my mind was going insane, and the thoughts were going to form strands in the air, and everything would smell of puke because of that…

"Sorry. Gotta go." The queue moves, and his hand moves away from my hair. The last thing he does is brush my fringe away from my eyes, so that the sunlight blinds them, momentarily.

But I grab hold of his arm.

That strong arm, that used to hold me every night.

"Don't go."

Those nights that I used my body as a pawn.

"Sorry." He wrenches his hand free.

Still so strong, in resisting.

Am I stupid, or am I really stupid?

Did I think he'd really stay for me? Just to love me?

"Don't be silly…" He says, and then smiles.

"I know I am, goddamnit, I know it." I try not to cry, but tears are already rolling down.

I wish to die.

I wish that I could achieve the balance that I'm always seeking, to balance my emotions with reality, so that at least the other half of the world will still remain when he's gone.

But I guess I've never thought about this half that crashes down.

I watch as his long blonde hair flow as he turns and moves towards the plane.

The sky's blue hands touch me. The intensity of the sun rays have been reduced to mere smudged lines, and still the sky's blue hands touch me.

Gradually the sky becomes red. Part of it, where the red meets the blue, the sky is purple.

Like a bruise.

Everywhere I go, the people seem to stare at me with their beady eyes, black and relentless.

Like his eyes. My God's eyes.

Black. So black that it's beady. That the mere hint of light that must have been reflected is the light at the end of the tunnel. The dark, intense, hopelessly lost tunnel that is existence.

I hold the memory in my mind.

Fate is a goddamned bitch.

Why do I always want what I can't have?

Why can't I ever grasp what I am always searching for? My other half of this soul…

Wanna embrace the darkness that awaits me at the end of existence. Wanna be home. Wanna say I don't want to be part of this world anymore. Wanna say that death is home because there is no release. Not because ODing on drugs will make me a legend, or anything cliched like that.

But because this world's not meant for me.

The street's lights flicker from where I stand, in the middle of the crossroad. The big TV screen stares at me. I wonder how many times I've been on it, and how many times my God has been on it.

I wanna go home.

Before everything kills me with its glaring light. Before my God ditches me completely.

I wanna go home…

~*~

Hyde stares at the clouds outside, and he closes his eyes. It had been meant to be for a tiny moment, but all at once Tetsu's face finds its way into his mind, and he couldn't help but keep his eyes closed.

Tetsu was such a girl.

But Hyde still remembers the time when Tetsu fought with him, wrestled with him, played Playstation and ended up cursing at each other, did all those things two men do together.

But still Tetsu was such a girl.

Almost an insane bitch.

Almost as insane as Fate.

The only time when Fate wasn't being a bitch was when Hyde found Tetsu. His true half.

His angel. His Goddess.

The nights when Tetsu pawned his heavenly form to Hyde were the nights that Hyde truly felt alive.

Like he was sucking in all darkness, and revelling in it.

There always was a difference between his other half and the true half, though. He needed his "other" half. The half that the world demands of him. The half that he requires to form a new life which his parents so desired.

Which his sadistic self tells him to bring to this earth, so that it'll suffer the same fate as he does, so that he'll somehow understand the truth of existence.

Maybe find a new soul amongst millions. And see her in her search for her true half, this new soul.

~*~

rows of houses all bearing down on me/ I can feel their blue hands touching me/ all these things in all positions/ all these things will one day take control/ and fade out again and fade out/ this machine will not communicate these thoughts/ and the strain I am under/ be a world child form a circle before we all go under/ and fade out again and fade out again /cracked eggs dead birds /scream as they fight for life/ I can feel death can see its beady eyes/ all these things into frution/ all these things we'll one day swallow whole/and fade out again and fade out again
[street spirit (fade out.) radiohead]

That morning he went to his own apartment and blasted the radio and fell asleep after jumping on the mattress about a thousand times after venting his own frustrations. He wondered how the child in her mother's tummy grew, and if the soul was already there or had it already been formed.

Wondered if the world was enough for the baby, if the baby was a new soul or an old soul. He hoped that the soul would be as old as his own. Probably as old as Tetsu's too.

Tetsu's soul didn't seem that old, not on the surface, not when Hyde first met him. But at the end of the ten years, Hyde knew that Tetsu's soul was the half that his soul once lost once upon a time back in the ancient days… that was what made him keep living, because that was what he was searching for and that was the only thing he could find in the third goddamned dimension that sucked so much.

~*~

Wanna see Hyde before I die…

Or did I, already, in my dreams?

My life sucked. I wouldn't want it to flash before my eyes when I die.

That's it… I surrender.

The world crashes down on me, crashes and crashes, and pushes me under, like I'm a butterfly pinned onto the specimen board.

And my wings are meant to rot, but they wouldn't let it rot.

This really is the way to do it. You need someone to protect your name. I guess I have Kaori to do that, even if she isn't with me anymore. She'll say what a great person I was, if asked. We're just good friends, right? Good friends can say anything they want.

And so will Hyde. I'm just good friends with him, too. Good friends can say anything they want. They'll protect my name after I die.

Yeah, that's the way to do it.

To die when you're a star. To turn black and fade out. Into the immense darkness that is universe.

~*~

Now he records his own songs, singing while he thinks of Tetsu.

It had been strange, his relationship with Tetsu.

Once he felt Tetsu thinking about him, and he'd called him up. Tetsu admitted yes, he was thinking about him.

The day he found his soul…

He would have screamed at Tetsu if he had known, but at that moment he felt Tetsu cry.

Sorry.

Hyde wants to say that to Tetsu. Sorry.

The day he found his true half of the soul was the day he had hurt it immensely and today he feels it wither and die. So has his own, already.

He feels Tetsu die from within.

Like a worm curling up, before the world crashes on him. The shell's cracked, and fallen in at places where it shouldn't have. The inside's all mixed with the shell.

A horrible feeling.

He feels Tetsu thinking about him. And he thinks about Tetsu. The letters he's written but never got to send. The letters that's meant to be kept in his own heart. The Aquarius that encompasses water in its being, and the Libra that could never balance out.

The place that Tetsu holds in his heart for the water bearer has crashed in.

He sings, because the place in his heart has shattered, too.

When Tetsu's soul dies from within.

When his true half of the soul dies from within.

And he sings, like a swan. Swans sing before they die.

He feels himself dying…

…And so he sings.

-end-

Wednesday, 19 June 2002 4:39:29 PM

notes: Writing feels like shitting. Lol. In art I overheard xx telling yy that life's like shit. That it's the best analogy he's ever come up with. Life keeps piling and piling until it's like shit. Xx rocks. So does his analogy. It's kinda true. And Writing feels like vomitting, too. I kind of love vomitting in that masochistic sense. And some songs are so beautiful they just make you wanna curl up and die. And I don't know where's my true half of my soul. I think water encompasses air, so a part of Tetsu's in me. Tetsu and Hyde are both air signs. So both of them are in me. Tetsu's too beautiful. I mean his soul.

I swear, secret letters' written and sang for tetsu. Gut feeling. Pisceans are good with that. Who gives a shit about logic? (Does my authors' notes make sense? Hehe.)

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