Inspired by my Japan-trip.

  When I first saw Hyde's work, I wondered how could one be so talented. Yet he didn't seem to be much of a social person; at the comic convention he shied away from everyone and lurked in his own dark corner, looking as if he might bite anyone who crossed his path or even remotely said hi.
  I wanted to talk to him so much, really. There weren't many people whom I admired or even envied this much, so when Sakura said he'd introduce me to a friend of Hyde's—that would be Tetsu, his girlfriend—I was almost exhilarated. In this practical world there are two pragmatic reasons to befriend anyone; the first is to make use of them; the second is to let them make use of you so that one day you could hopefully use this favour.
  That was how I befriended Tetsu. Tetsu didn't directly help me meet Hyde; it was Hyde who came all by himself and used Tetsu as an excuse to talk to me. And it wasn't fat hope; it was Hyde who initiated the conversation.
  Sakura was just introducing me to Tetsu, and I tried to smoothen my hair a little, hoping that I looked prettier than usual. I heard that Hyde liked girls with long hair, and I had long hair. Our conversation began with a "hi Megumi" from Tetsu. We were discussing Paint Shop Pro versus Photoshop when Hyde came up from behind Tetsu. I've never seen him before until I went to the convention, and it was the first time I'd ever seen him step out of that little corner since the first four hours had passed. I didn't know how he looked, because even though it was indoors he wore sunglasses and a hat. There was one thing that was certain, though, as I watched him walk towards us. He was shorter than I was.
  I didn't particularly like short guys; they seemed like little hoppity dwarves. At least that meant that if I gathered seven of them, I'd be Snow White.
  But Hyde was different. There was something in the way that he strode across the smooth floor that made him seem… pugilistic. He was the kind of person who'd stick out like a sore thumb even when everyone was about at least one foot taller than he was.
  I tried to ignore him and concentrate on talking to Tetsu. I didn't like being obvious about my intentions, and Tetsu seemed to be gullible enough to think that I wanted to talk to her just because.
  "Hey, Hyde," Tetsu said when the short guy stood almost in between us.
  He smiled at her, and finally lifted his head to peer at me from under his sunglasses. "Hi."
  I glanced at him, and tried not to quiver too much. "Hello."
  "I like your way of dressing," he gestured towards my clothes. Now I wasn't wearing anything special, partly because I'd never thought that I would ever see Hyde. It was a strange mixture of grange and pop culture. If I were a soda I'd probably taste like a mixture of root beer and Coca-Cola.
  "Oh, no, it's not even in fashion," I giggled bashfully. I could see his eyes; he had very beautiful eyes, large round eyes that folded upwards into two lines. He looked… American. Of course he should, since he was American.
  Frankly speaking, part of the reason that I admired Hyde so much besides his talents was that he was American. It almost seemed like he was so talented simply because he was an American and he was the most handsome guy I'd ever seen in that convention. He had blonde hair and blue eyes; such a beautiful blend. He was a perfect artwork by the heavens compared to those normal Japanese guys on the street trying to act American.
  "That's why I like it," He smirked. He was a proud feline, lazily seductive. His unbuttoned shirt hung off his tiny frame, and I saw the smooth curve of his neck. I wished I could kiss it.
  Tetsu watched us as the both of us talked; I tried not to pay attention to her but somehow her disappointment got too radioactive. Therefore, when Hyde said he wanted to get out of the convention hall for a smoke, I gladly followed.
  I didn't particularly like cigarettes, but I did social smoking once in a while. All of my friends thought I was cool, and they were right; they smoked Virginia Slims because I did. Compared to me they were little worms destined to be little worms because they inherited their parents' DNA. They didn't have something called originality.
  "You smoke Virginia Slims, right?" I asked, when he was about to reach into his pocket for the cigarette pack.
  He raised an eyebrow. "How do you know?"
  I read about it in a magazine where he said he got inspiration from Virginia Slims' cigarette smoke. In fact, the reason that I got to like that brand was Hyde. "Oh, you look like the person who smokes this brand. It's so… Aesthetic."
  "Haha," He grinned, "Yeah, I think I said it in an interview. I was bullshitting, though. Actually, I smoke Seven Stars."
  "Oh," I bit my lower lip. I hated Seven Stars. It was so thick that it was vulgar. "That tastes like, manly."
  "Mm hmm." He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a pack. I saw that it was actually Marlboro Menthol Lights. Well, maybe he really liked Seven Stars but couldn't find a cigarette vending machine that carried it. His brows furrowed when he lit it up and were released when he took a puff. I followed suit, and when I was done both of us looked at the scenery together.
  "Hyde?" I whispered, after a long silence.
  "Yeah?" He'd long finished his cigarette by then, and had thrown the butt onto the floor. I hated it when people did that; they polluted the environment. Besides, I didn't see what was so troublesome about bringing a portable ashtray, since everyone had one nowadays.
  Instead of complaining like a whiny bitch, I inquired, "Are you free this Saturday night?"
  "Yeah, I guess so," He replied.
  "Want to go and watch a movie? I want to watch the Man In The Iron Mask."
  "Oh please, none of it even happened," He grumbled, "Let's watch something more intriguing. I'll rent a video of The Crow, and we'll watch it at my house, okay?"
  I was exhilarated. "Yeah, that'd be great."

  Saturday came and went. My date with Hyde had been wonderful; we ended up making out on the couch by the end of the movie. I didn't understand the movie, though, but who cared?
  On Sunday, I went out with my friends. There was two of them, one of them was Ken and the other was Mary (her original name was Kaori). We were shopping at Shibuya, so for dinner we went to Friday TGI. The queue had been long, so while we were waiting I told them about my date with Hyde.
  "…And I was just sitting there when he inched toward me, you know? My face was burning up! Oh god, he was so hot."
  "He must have been really good, right?" Mary said enviously.
  "Don't interrupt, it's rude," I reprimanded her, "Anyway as I was saying, he was so hot that I couldn't concentrate on the movie. When his arm circled me, I was so surprised, but I had to wait for the next move, although I could barely wait. He asked me, are you cold, I said no I was fine, but he said he was cold compared to me 'cause I was so fucking hot. Suddenly he whispered in English near my ear, 'I want you', and I couldn't believe it when he kissed me, on the lips, I was like practically melting into his arms—"
  "Megumi-sama," called the waitress, in an annoyingly whiny voice. "The table's available."
  I strolled in with Mary and Ken trailing after me, frustrated that I couldn't tell them the whole story. Never mind, I decided. I could tell them more while we're having our dinner. Besides, I was already planning for the next date.
  I was planning to give him my virginity. It would be almost an honour to give an American one's virginity.
  Now, people that hang out in Shibuya aren't usually the kind who go home really early just to spend time with their families. Their purposes were more or less to end up hiring a room at the love hotel for one or two hours. That meant that I wasn't keeping well with the pace. Well, who asked me to be so choosy in the first place? After all, I was material that even an American would want.
  "You know," Ken said shyly, when we had finished ordering our food, "There's this boy in the next class, right, isn't his name Sakura?"
  "Yeah, Sakurazawa Yasunori, but everyone calls him Sakura," I rolled my eyes.
  "…He… He's really cute, isn't he?" Ken looked up timidly at the both of us.
  "Aww, he is, of course," giggled Mary.
  "But his girlfriend's this beauty Tetsu," I tossed this comment into her face.
  Ken turned a bright shade of red and looked like she'd been stabbed in the chest.
  "Salt, wound, you rub it together?" Ken said tentatively.
  "But who cares?" I laughed, "no one'll ever beat Hyde in being cute or hot. I mean, Sakura's just a normal Japanese schoolboy. He'll never grow up."
  "But…" Ken began.
  "Why just look at Hyde, he's so profound in his artistic endeavours," as I spoke, I found myself lapsing into a happy mode of daydream. "I'm going to marry him someday."
  "Don't!" Mary whined, "I'll envy you forever!"
  "Everyone wants to marry an American nowadays, or just sleep with one," Ken murmured.
  Unfortunately for her, I heard it.
  "Ken you're just jealous that I slept with Hyde, that's what." I tossed my long hair behind my shoulders. "And you're jealous that I'm going to marry him while you'll never get to marry such a handsome foreigner."
  "I'm not," she whispered, and cast her gaze down at the plate.
  Just then, the waiter came with our orders. As we were eating, I was secretly thinking about how I would trick Hyde into marrying me—in fact; I had the perfect plan. I would be his girlfriend, and he would fall in love with me, and one day when I announced that I was pregnant, he would have no choice but to marry me, just like how it would be in a soap opera.
  Yes, I thought, it was such an original plan.

  My first goal to lose my virginity to Hyde succeeded about one week later. It had been a double date; the other pair was Tetsu and Sakura. All of us went to Denny's, and Hyde had curry rice. I made a mental note to learn to cook curry rice as a stake for this important gamble.
  Tetsu said that she wanted to look for an artbook, so all of us went to Book One. It was a bookstore that resembled a departmental store, and like in a departmental store you always somehow find things that you didn't know you needed until you saw them. Hyde was at the English books section, looking for some book by John Steinbeck. I had no idea who the hell John Steinbeck was, but I played along.
  "I'm actually looking for East of Eden, but I couldn't find the original version anywhere," he was saying, "When I first read Of Mice and Men, I was twelve—I was still in America then—and the book was so powerful that I came out with my first artwork George and Lennie."
  "George and Lennie was so dark, intricate and detailed," I said admiringly, "You must have been a child prodigy."
  "Yeah, I still like it even now, although Tetsu said that it's amateurish."
  "What does she know?" I laughed, "What matters is the feeling that’s portrayed."
  "Exactly. But still, I want to repaint it." He picked up a book and tossed it back dreamily. "Tetsu's my greatest critic ever. I would repaint it just to hear her say that it's good."
  I felt a pang of jealousy brewing up in my chest. "She's not that good, really. She didn't even know how to use the layers function for Paint Shop Pro!"
  "Yeah, but I've known her for like forever," Hyde laughed, "Like when I was seven and she joined the Christian school I was in. Both of us had fun drawing graffiti on the Jesus statues."
  Well, that was one piece of background information that I didn't need to know. "Oh well, she's with Sakura now."
  Secretly I wondered why Tetsu was with Sakura instead of Hyde. As far as I knew, Tetsu came from a rich family, and Sakura was poor compared to Tetsu. Hyde seemed to be pretty rich as well, and besides, he was an American. If I were Tetsu, I would have definitely gone for Hyde.
  "Yeah, unfortunately," he mumbled. Then, raising his voice, he said, "Shit, I can't find the book. They never seem to have it."
  "They should have the Japanese version," I said, trying to be helpful.
  "I hate reading translations." He stuck his hands in his pockets, and looked away.
  "Christ, you're being such a jerk!" Someone exclaimed from behind of us. We turned around to see that it was Sakura. Tetsu was standing in front of him, cradling a couple of art books in her arms.
  Hyde showed him his middle finger while Sakura grinned widely. "Thanks."
  "You are such schoolboys!" Tetsu exclaimed playfully.
  Sakura whispered something into her ear, and both of them burst out laughing.
  "What?" Hyde demanded.
  "Nothing," Tetsu giggled.
  Seeing that he wasn't going to get any answer, Hyde rolled his eyes, "I see you've got your books. What say we part?"
  "Wait, where are you going?" Sakura asked, "Tetsu and I want to watch a movie after this. Frankenstein is showing."
  "Megumi and I are going to my house," He grinned, looking as if he might deliberately hiss at the two of them any time.
  Tetsu glanced at me almost worriedly, but Sakura shrugged, "Then see you."
  I followed Hyde to Ikebukuro. We were at the AM PM near his house when suddenly he stopped short, glanced at me, and picked up a pack of condoms. I almost jumped for joy when I saw that, but instead, I concealed my euphoria with shyness.
  He didn't say anything even as both of us came out of the shop, and to me somehow he seemed a bit angry. I did a bit of mental calculation and figured that so long as I achieved this goal, he would end up falling in love with me somehow, one way or the other. I'd even dieted an entire week just for this.
  As we stood outside the AM PM, the air was too cold and my legs were shivering, mainly because I chose to wear a miniskirt without leg warmers. I pulled out my cigarettes; I was smoking Seven Stars this time. The taste was repulsive, but Hyde smoked it, so I had to get used to it.
  "You smoke Seven Stars?" He looked incredulous.
  "Yeah," I smiled brightly at him. He must have been surprised to know that I was smoking the same thing as he did.
  "Oh," He murmured, as he pulled out a pack of Marlboro Lights Menthol. He finished the cigarette in huge puffs, and threw the butt onto the floor. "…Megumi, I was thinking… Do you love me?"
  I nodded bashfully.
  He smiled, satisfied, and cupped my cheek with a hand. It felt strange to kiss someone shorter than I was standing upright, but I figured that so long as it led to a horizontal position on the bed it would have been reasonable. And later, it did.

  The next Friday, I was out with Ken and Mary again, at the same Friday TGI. I had so much to tell them, but was interrupted when I saw Tetsu and Sakura walk up the stairs to the restaurant.
  "Hi, Megumi," greeted Sakura, "You're here."
  I flashed them a grin, hoping that its animosity showed them how happy I was to see them. "Oh, hi Tetsu, hi Sakura."
  "Hi," Tetsu smiled.
  The sight of Tetsu made me want to puke, so I turned towards Sakura instead, "Here for a date?"
  "Actually," Sakura said with youngish happiness, "We're meeting her parents here."
  "I'll go and register," volunteered Tetsu, and Sakura nodded in acknowledgement.
  "Oh," I beamed. So it seemed impossible for Hyde to like Tetsu at all, after all, and I didn't even have to do anything about it.
  "Megumi-sama," called a girl. "Your table's available."
  When I turned around, I saw that Ken's eyes were red, and Mary had wrapped an arm around her shoulder.
  "Oh yeah, is your friend okay?" Sakura looked worried, as he turned to her and asked, "Are you sick?"
  Ken shook her head, "I… I… I'm fine."
  "We'll just go to the washroom for a while," Mary chirped hurriedly, and ushered her away. I was left with the restaurant staff and Sakura. For a moment I felt an urge to tell Sakura, make him feel so guilty that he would break up with Tetsu—that perfect Tetsu. But them being together ruled out the possibility of Hyde being with Tetsu, so I smiled and said, "See you," and I followed the girl to my table.
  Ken and Mary came back; Ken had obviously cried in the washroom. The atmosphere hung sombre over our table, so I decided to brag about Hyde another day. If I were Ken I wouldn't even have fallen in love with Sakura, I thought. At least Hyde's something else.
  I stole a glance over at Tetsu's table, and saw that Sakura, Tetsu and two elderly people were seated at the same table. They'd obviously just gotten their seats, and were ordering their food. As I ate I kept my eyes fixed on them, and when I saw Tetsu excuse herself to go to the washroom, I decided to go as well.
  I wanted to tell her something.
  I excused myself from Ken and Mary, and honestly Ken looked worried. I'd smiled at her without explaining anything. It seemed ridiculous to have to explain myself to anyone at all.
  When I entered the washroom, Tetsu wasn't anywhere to be seen, so I figured that she was in the water closet. I smiled, smoothened my hair a little, and checked to see if my makeup was perfect.
  Tetsu came out a moment later, and she smiled tautly when she saw me. I was still patting on makeup onto my face, and she kept glancing at my reflection in the mirror.
  I said, "What?"
  "Huh?" She was taken aback.
  "You wanna tell me something?" I batted my eyelashes at her.
  She looked like she was ready to burst, and finally she uttered, "Don't… Don't go out with Hyde anymore."
  "Why?" I tried to sound as icy as possible.
  "He… He's not a good person," Tetsu clenched her hands into fists. "You wouldn't be happy with him."
  "Nonsense, I'm very happy as of now," I laughed, "Why, are you just jealous that I'm going out with him? Because all you've got is Sakura instead of him?"
  "No!" She cried, and this time her frail form shook even more tremendously. She looked like she was trying to gather all of her strength when she said, "Hyde… He's a leech. He doesn't want anything other than sex from you."
  "Yeah, and how do you know? For all I know you just want to sleep with him." I tossed my hair behind my back, and got ready to pull the door open.
  "He… He raped me!"
  I stood frozen in shock, and then turned around.
  "…What?"
  "When we were in Junior High… He's always trying to get under my pants even when Sakura's around," She shook her head, "You don't want to go out with a person like that. I'm telling you, Megumi…"
  "…For my own sake? Hah!" I laughed, "Nonsense! You're just raving because you want to get him, right?"
  I pulled the door open, slid through it, and slammed it close.
  As soon as I returned to my table, I told Ken and Mary, "Let's go, I'm full." And they followed me.

  By the next date with Hyde I'd already decided to strike. Just the thought of Tetsu trying to stop me from going out with Hyde made me want to laugh. I could almost imagine her face when she attended our wedding, I thought gleefully.
  I tried to take initiative this time. I was giving him a blow job when he gasped, "I love you." Upon hearing that, I had been so exhilarated I told him I was on the pill. Of course, I wasn't. He threw away the condom pack and entered me so roughly and painfully that I felt worse than the first time. When we were done, both of us were laying on the bed exhausted.
  "Hyde," I said, "I met Tetsu today."
  "Hm?"
  "She said… You raped her. That's not true, right?"
  "Yeah, whatever," he uttered.
  I suddenly wanted to bash his head in, "Hyde!"
  "…It's true. We were in Junior High," he whispered, "…I wish I've never done it."
  I was relieved to hear this from him, "It's okay, so long as you're repenting."
  "No," he said, "I lost her because of that. I wish I've never driven her away like that, into Sakura's arms. She's so perfect he doesn't deserve her."
  "Hyde…" I panicked for a moment, upon realisation that Hyde probably loved Tetsu, "I love you, you know that? I lied when I said I was on the pill."
  "What?" He looked like he couldn't understand what was going on.
  I buried my face in my hands. "Don't you understand? You'll have to marry me! It's what you're supposed to do, I mean… I love you so much…" I was incoherent.
  "Just go for an abortion, Megumi! It's that simple!" He climbed up from the bed, and I followed suit.
  "Don't you…" Tears gathered in my eyes, "Don't you love me? You said you did!"
  "Well, you had my dick in your mouth!" He wrenched his arms away from my hold, and I fell against the wall.
  "Can't you spare a thought for me?" The tears were running down my cheeks then, and my fingernails dug into my palms. The world was almost glittering, because the tears in my eyes refracted them too much.
  "Why should I?"
  "My parents will kill me…" My voice was cracking. Yelling had too much of my voice. He had been so loud, his voice was stuffed into my ears and my eardrums felt like they were ready to burst. "Please, Hyde…"
  "I don't even love you, all right? And you don't love me, you just want me so that you could show off to your gossipy friends."
  "But… You're supposed to want me for your wife…" I collapsed onto the floor.
  He shook his head; "You're a fucking bimbo."
 Suddenly I grew angry instead of devastated. Yes, it was true that I did hope so, but I wasn't about to be ridiculed like that, especially since nothing was going to come out of my pleading and begging. I ran towards the table, picked up two pieces of stationery, and hurled them at him. "Am not!"
  One hit him cleanly on the forehead, but he caught the other in mid-air. He threw it back at me. "Fuck!"
  He missed. I hissed, vile venom twirling in my spleen, "Do you even think I'll be stupid enough to bear your baby? Fat chance! He'll grow up just like you, like a midget!"
 He glared at me, those large blue eyes cold and icy like pieces of the Antarctic sea seen through a hole on the icebergs. "What do you mean?"
  "…I mean, you're American, you're supposed to be tall!"
  With his large hands he grabbed my wrists. I tried to wriggle out of his grasp, but the counterparts of his hands were like machinery. I gasped when he kneed me in the abdomen, and I could feel the baby vomit spasmodically into the empty space that was my stomach. "So what? You're Japanese, you're supposed to be short!"
  The sky reeled, and I fell, my vision fading. At least, I thought before I fainted, I know that the world is really turning.

Wednesday, March 13, 20024:53:56 PM
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