Saturday, November 11, 2000 2:20:47 AM

Author's notes: Don't blame me for the wrong time frames, et cetera. We all know Santa don't exist, so… Oh… Comments are welcome. ^^;

I want a Sakura.
A big, warm Sakura which I can snuggle up to.
I don't even care if he's empty without life, I just want a Sakura.
It'd be so nice, if I could have a Sakura of my own, and hug him whenever I need a warm hug. Except, unlike a stuffed toy, he would be warm. He would be big, and human.
If he has life, if I can see his eyes sparkle whenever I tell him a joke, it'd be so much better.
If he hasn't a life, if his eyes remain dull whenever I hold him, it would be fine, because a lifeless Sakura can never betray me.
I want a nice, huggable Sakura for Christmas, Santa.
 
 

Christmas always snows or something, at least that's the image I get from foreign television, movies and such. Right here, this year, Christmas means a cold season for me. Maybe because of climate, where I live doesn't snow. Yet, in other parts of the cities, it does snow, and when it snows, the snow turns from white to gray.
It's been a long time, anyway, from last year to this.
I kind of missed it. Christmas, and snow.
But what I really missed was the way the whiteness surrounded me (something impossible to be seen in Tokyo, because by afternoon, the snow is…gray.), the way the little snowflakes fell onto my cap and then onto my hair.
Well, even without snow, there's still a lovely atmosphere in the streets. People are always bustling around when the season is there. I really miss the holidays. Sometimes I wish those days will never end, not that I don't enjoy these sort of things.
"Tetchan~" Someone just dropped a towel onto my head.
"NANDAYO!" I yell, getting ready to pounce on whoever comes into my sight. "Kishuuuu!"
Don't know why, I just happen to feel extra energetic today. It's doom for whoever it is…
"Ite~~~~" A cute, shorter form is practically squashed under me. "What are you doing! It hurts!"
I grin, sticking out my tongue (mimicking this guy's trademark, anyhow), as I get off him.
"Who asked you to sleep on the bus?" He smirks as he sees the towel on my head. I suppose I must look like a mess then, since I just woke up from my afternoon nap (which was on the bus) and post-nap brooding. He almost looks like he can't help himself as he whispers something under his breath.
"Kawaii naa…"
I think I'm dreaming. Aren't I?
He's not the sort to do that. I mean, something like saying that someone is cute… Then again, he isn't the sort to hide his pleasure or displeasure. He's some sort of person who likes to conceal himself and reveal himself at the same time, and NO I don't mean that.
He is loveable, though. Besides the pretty face, that is; everyone, including me, like beautiful people.
It's just that his personality…
And his face just shows it off.
Oh, he really looks like a chipmunk when he laughs…
"Mukinpo!" I say for no good reason. Maybe it was the time of the year or something. I feel like there's extra energy inside me or something, ready to be let out. A sort of mood, I don't know.
It's been a long time, though. Since my vacation… Okay, it wasn't that long.
But it's really fun to play around. I love playing around, and going around with people.
Yukki comes in to see what's the commotion, and I throw the towel on his head.
His expression… Ahaha, I wonder if mine had been just like that?
"Kawaii naa…"
 
 

I think I'm probably the only grownup male who writes to Santa for some reason.
Well, for one thing, Christmas was only introduced as a marketing idea by some company in the first place, and I think it's dumb to believe in an idealized business mascot. (yeah, something like my happy mukinpo…uh…I don't mean it that way!)
But anyway, the idea of it is still there, I suppose. Even I who don't write a proper diary entry specifically on each day write a letter to Santa. And I'm twenty-five. I need more maturity than that? Maybe.
Don't you think, anyway, that people have some childish obsession sometimes? Okay, my ideas may be just a wee bit tainted, but deep inside, I kind of miss those times.
The times of… Well, innocence.
Back when you don't joke about Doraemon harassing Hello Kitty. (blame Ken on that one.)
Doraemon was cool, I suppose, but it looked just so simple. There was some really cool stuff, though. I loved the kind of metallic wear they make these humans wear, so that they could grow stronger and defeat the bad guys. It had been as simple as that when I was a kid, though.
And then when I grew, I grew to like things for a different reason.
And like all guys, I'm obsessed with technology.
But what really got into me was the things potrayed in the things that we watch. Some things just fascinate me, because they're different. And some just bite into me, because they're so much similar to what we encounter in real life.
I love Eva. ^^)v Aside from the technology part, the thing practically saved my life.
I mean, it was a hard time which we were going through….
Oh, anyway. I wonder if Santa will give me what I want?
It's nothing like those kind of things kids ask for. I don't ask for Gundam mobile toys any longer… That was back when I was a kid, and it hadn't been Santa whom I asked.
I always got what I wanted.
This time, it's something so different…
Nonetheless, I hope I can have it.
I really want it so much…..

***

In the crowd, the raven-haired figure felt extremely uncomfortable. It was as if he knew someone was getting ready to abduct him, and then do strange operations on him. It was a scary thought. He didn't like being stalked.
Deciding to perhaps confront whoever it was, he allowed his steps to lead to wherever it was that could be lonelier, and he waited for that person to appear.
No one did, however.
Maybe it had been he himself who was too suspicious. No one was going to abduct him; it was a safe country and anyway aliens were for fanatics.
He was about to return to the crowds, when heavy footsteps sounded behind him.
"Man, this job is killing me," An old man in red suit said, as he adjusted his hat. "It's going to be a hard time carrying all the gifts around."
He turned, and stared. Probably just some Christmas-fanatic foreigner, he thought. Or one whom Western-induced toy stores hired (usually they had pretty girls dressed in santa suits, for some reason). One way or another, he decided to not care, and prepared to get back on his way.
"Hey, young man. Wait up, it's not often that I have to ship large goods."
This old guy had to be nuts. He wasn't going to care; the heels of his boots sounded against the asphalt as he walked away.
"Yep, one Sakura. Check."
He froze, sensing something amiss, and whirled around, to see a red light flashing in front of him. Then everything seemed to grow, and grow, and soon he felt like an ant.
The old man, who now seemed like a gigantic lard-ball, approached him.
He ran, but was easily caught by those gloved hands. They were warm, and gentle, nothing like those belonging to human-eating trolls.
"What…"
"A weird thing to want for Christmas," Was all that the jolly voice boomed as he was stuffed into a big (so it seemed to him), colorful box. "But it's Christmas, so ho-ho-ho!"

***

I'm actually counting down the days to Christmas.
It's really strange that I'm doing this, I mean, it's not like Santa really exists.
But, if for once…
Maybe I shall daydream.
After all, it can't possibly come true, ne?
"Haaaido~ I got you something I know you'd really want for Christmas," I turn around to tell him, to catch a glimpse of the cute face of Yukihiro. It seems like he's feeling disappointed or something. "Nee, Yukki, you too!"
"Really," The two of them face me together. It's such a big difference, though. Hyde's face can be so nonchalant as it is right now, but Yukki's… I don't know how to describe it. Maybe saying 'his spirit has fallen' would be correct?
"Yeah!" I grin, bouncing up and down the couch. "Nee, Yukki, I want to go over to your house to celebrate! What about you, Hyde? You should come along, too!"
"I want to be with my girl," He smiles, and shakes his head. "What about Ken?"
"Me too! Besides, Eri will be so lonely!" (Eri is the nickname he has given for Elizabeth, his lovely cat. It seems to have been around forever, really.) He grins fondly. Once again, I admire the way he grins when he's biting on his cigarette. He's not the only one, though. Hyde has just snuffed his out, and Yukki's is finishing, thankfully.
"Oh, seems like it'll only be the two of us, Yukki."
"Eeehhhh?" Ken's grin tells me that he's getting ready for one of his jokes.
"With half the crew?" I continue hopefully.
"I asked, but most of them will be celebrating with their families," Yukki replies, a small smile on his face. "Adding it up, there isn't going to be many people either."
"Ah well," I figure that I probably won't want too many people around, anyway. Maybe just having Yukki around is fine, since both of us don't drink, and can play Eva games all night long. (But the best player is Yamada!)
"I'm not sure if I want to go with my girl afterall," Hyde suddenly speaks up, looking thoughtful. "I'll won't have that much energy after the concert."
"What were you planning to do, you heartbreaker?" Ken teases.
I laugh, "Looks like someone will be joining us because of his lack of ability!"
"Tet-chan…~"
I can't help but laugh further. He's blushing! "Kawaiiiii~~"
He blushes further, and Ken's starting to have this funny look on his face. Soon, bursts of laughter echo throughout the room; it seems like we're not going to do much practicing after all.
 
 

I wonder if Santa has received my letter. So many days have passed by. Christmas is only tomorrow, and I can't wait. If I go to sleep, tomorrow will come sooner. But anyhow, it doesn't. I really don't have any idea why we decided to follow the 'traditional farmland way', how families in America celebrate back on the farm (so I think).
But it's fun. I like staying over at Yukki's place. Hyde makes lovely curry rice, too. He doesn't usually cook for us, but when I manage to pester him enough for him to agree, it's like a god-bless.
After dinner we cuddle around the heater, with cakes which we bought, and lots and lots of snacks. I love the coffee sweets, and Yukki hogs the cola sweets. Hyde, as usual, sit further away from us. I seem to be sitting farther and farther away from him…
But that's another matter. Hyde insists on telling us a story, and he begins with the existence of 'huge monsters with one eye that eat bassists'. I laugh at that, and he continues about how their teeth dripped with blood of J's and Jiro's, which was really… erm, sort of disgusting.
"And they POUNCE!" Hyde grabs a cushion and starts attacking my head.
"Iyaa!" I dodge, and immediately throw mine at him. It hits him squarely on the head, and he sticks his tongue out at me, before attacking me with his.
Trust me, we didn't drink anything but cola. Must be the sugar…
Sensing that I don't have any weapons on hand, I grab Yukki's by instinct, and push it at Hyde's face. "Nnnnnn…!"
"Iyaaa!!" Hyde manages to get it off his face, and tackles me, pinning me to the floor. I burst into laughter when his fingers fall all over me, tickling me. "Yukki! Yukki! Tickle Tetchan!"
"Noooo!! Don't!!!" I yell in response; my face must be red from all the insane torture.
Yukki helps me push Hyde off, thankfully, and pouting, Hyde says, "Yukki you spoilsport!"
I only laugh, and thank Yukki.
 

I think we dozed off halfway through our TV marathon or something. Well, there's only the three of us, and there's only so much that we can do. But it was fun while it lasted.
Then we heard a plop on the back window. Feeling shocked, and scared that something was broken, we went to check it out.
So we were really surprised to see this gigantic red sitting by the back window, rubbing his butt.
"HIYA!" Immediately Hyde's flying kicks appeared, and soon we have the big man bruised and tied up.
"Why are we tying him up for, Hyde?" Yukki asks.
"He's a burglar dressed up as Santa!" Hyde and I chorus together, and then burst out laughing at this coincidence.
Instead of looking helpless, this gigantic old man merely laughed a very typical Santa laugh- "ho-ho-ho!"
We eye him skeptically, together.
How come he's still so cheerful? Is he only acting?
"Come on, who sent you." Hyde prodded him straight in the chest.
"Sigh, youngsters nowadays don't have dreams or respect for the old."
"What?!" Hyde's ready to burst a vein.
I manage to calm him down, by stepping forward and pointing at him. "I'll let you go if you can prove that you are Santa."
Of course, we don't really expect anything. I mean, there's no Santa in the world, and he goes through chimneys, not back-windows.
But as soon as I finish that, a burst of golden light appears, and an elf pops into the room.
"Fetch me my bag, Muffin."
Of course, right now we're too shocked to do anything but catch flies with our mouths.
"Yes, big-guy—you're in a sticky situation, aren't you? Believers aren't like they used to be!" Somewhat grumpily and almost cheerfully, this elf vanishes through the air again, and disappears via the back window. When he appears, he's carrying a small, red bag. It's too small for us to expect it to contain presents for kids all over the world, but who cares? I mean, it's not everyday that you see an elf summoned out of nowhere.
"Now untie me kids, I have to reach into the bag in order for your present to appear." Santa winks at me, and immediately, I know what he's going to do. He really received my letter! (finally!)
I nod, and untie him, even though Hyde looks still a trifle unwilling. Yukki has this I've-finally-seen-a-big-star look on his face.
When he's finally free, Santa coughs, and reaches out. The elf hands him the bag, and he sticks a hand into it.
….POOF!
He holds a glass jar in his hands, with a very small figurine inside.
"Here's your Christmas present, Tetsu! We only give it to real believers- and you have the privilege of being one of the oldest children who believe ardently in me!"
With that, I take over the jar, and blush furiously. They're going to laugh at me.
"While I'm at it, these newly converted believers, what do they want?" He asks, but seeing that Hyde and Yukki aren't going to reply, he reaches into the bag again, and comes up with a huge box of chocolates, and gives it to Yukki. When he turns to Hyde, he simply shrugs, and pokes him in the chest. "Yo dude, you'd better give yourself what you want! I can only give you a little hint that it's going to be so much easier than you think! It's Christmas after all, ho-ho-ho!"
Hyde's expression is unreadable, but it seems like he doesn't believe that Santa actually knows what he wants.
And POOF again….
He's gone. Just like that. We don't even have a chance to see him disappear through the back; does he really travel on reindeers? Nah, I don't think so. If he has magic, why does he need reindeers?
"Hey, want to write to him again next year?" Yukki cheerfully (and much too innocently) munches on his chocolates, and holds out several pieces to us. "Want some?"
"Thank you!" Hyde and I echo, and we take it from his hands.
Really, it's funny how we manage to say the same thing at the same time; have we been together too long?
It tastes good, even better than normal chocolate.
"Just be careful you don't get toothaches, Yukki!" I warn him, as I take another piece.
"Yes, leader-sama!" He grins; he doesn't care if there's chocolate on his teeth, and he looks even cuter.
Hyde simply looks away, and then I remember something important—the bottle. Something black is inside—that bottle is really, really tiny, so tiny it looks like those glass beads bottles.
But instead, we see this little black humanoid figure bashing the walls.
…It's probably what I want, he wears black as well… Without even thinking, I hurriedly pull the cork out, and POOF! A cloud of magic dust appears, and this bottle vanishes.
…And in front of me stands Sakura.
"…….." I blush insanely; Santa really got me a Sakura! He really—Really!
"What the HELL! It wasn't nice being locked in a bottle and I definitely—" Sakura looks pissed.
"Santa gave you a Sakura?" Yukki looks unbelieving.
Then he calms down when he sees Hyde staring at him in shock as well. "Nice to meet you, Yukihiro, Hyde, and Tetsu—I have a date with my koi, can I go now? I'm really really late!"
"Really? Who's that koi? You never told me!" When hearing that, Hyde immediately plasters to his side, and acts like they used to be….
Used to. I don't know how they're like now since he left. But they're still friends.
"It's…." He whispers into Hyde's ears.
"That Malice guy? Great! I haven't seen you for a long time, you'd better visit me this New Year!"
"Yes! Yes! I just hope Tetchan doesn't get angry at me!"
They laugh, and Sakura disappears out of the door without even looking at me.
So it's all three of us, all alone again.
"He's really handsome," Yukki admires in awe. He's still chewing on his chocolates.
"Yeah," Hyde laughs. "I'm glad he's found someone."
I'm not.
He's supposed to be mine.
And he disappeared just like that.
Without even looking at me.
Is that my Christmas present?
I feel like crying; why didn't Santa give it to me tranquilized or something? Why did he make him out to be the Sakura who doesn't have a place in his heart for me but the leader of L'Arc~en~Ciel?!
 

….We end up playing poker, and Yukki falls asleep (eaten too much).
There's only Hyde and me, and he seems particularly troubled, so I decide to not continue.
"…Did you really ask for a Sakura for Christmas?" He finally asks, his brows furrowed.
"Yes, I did," I tell him. There's nothing to hide now. "I asked for Sakura…" Then my voice chokes in my throat. I mean, I really can't just act as if nothing happened…. It's hard. "…And it turns out like this." I restrain the tears coming into my eyes.
Hyde glances at me in sympathy, and suddenly, he reaches over and hugs me.
"I'm here, Tetsu! Don't worry about him!"
"But…" I cry into his arms; it feels so warm. I feel like a fucking loser right now. But he makes it so much better.
When I finally stop, and get out of his embrace feeling quite embarrassed, he flashes me a grin.
"We were here together since the beginning, Tetsu!" He drapes an arm around my shoulder.
"…What…….!?" I blush. It's true though…
"No matter what, as long as we're together, it's fine isn't it, Tetsu?" He asks again, and leans close to me.
He's really beautiful, and even I have the urge to kiss him when he's so close. But right now he's so warm, and so nice to me, I can't break the moment, so I hug him tightly.
Then, I hear something unexpected.
"I love you, Tetsu. Merry Christmas."
Do I love him? Do I?
I don't know, but he's someone whom I can love….
I continue holding him, with tears in my eyes.
Yeah, we were together since the beginning.
And then we kiss…..
 

"NANDAYO! Acting so kissy in the morning!" Yukki grins widely, as if he's struck lotto.
Hyde and I jerk out of our embrace, and we look at him awkwardly.
He laughs. "No wonder Hyde didn't want to leave his Tetsu and I together! Nee!"
I've expected him to say nothing but blush further, so I say, "What are you thinking—"
"No," Hyde immediately covers my mouth, and hugs me tightly. "I love Tetsu."
….This confession makes me blush further.
 

There's times when you feel awkward about being loved, when it's someone whom you don't feel comfortable with.
Perhaps, with Sakura, it's like that towards me.
I mean, he isn't exactly very close to me either.
"I love you!" this face is so beautiful, so cute. The face which I've known at least ten years of my life….
Sakura really isn't anything compared to this boy.
We end up holding each other, and visiting the park together…. Like lovers.
Of course, not when people are around.
But still, it feels so sweet.
And the day after Christmas, I end up at his apartment for the night.
He's really sweet.
Santa gave me the best present afterall—I don't need a Sakura.
And neither do I want one after all.
The best present is to count what's been beside you all along—Not newer ones. New things are hard to get, and when you do get them, they're not meant to be yours anyway. Those that's been there…
Are the best blessings ever.
I think counting your blessings is a blessing by itself.
Thank you, Santa!

-end-

note: Merry Christmas! I hope I have a good time, and I hope you do too! An ardent thank-you(geez, I sound like some typical idiot now) to all of you who commented and read…. Although I'll still be myself even when you're not there, but your presence makes it much much better… I mean, I feel so shitty most of the time. Hohum…. FOOD!!!!!

Anyway this isn't the typical piece which I write… Fluff! I miss the good old innocent times! *laughs* This sounds really cliched though… And what's funnier is that I only realized that I'm the only one giving prezzies in my own family. My dad's cooking though! Sometimes, family life sucks as well- sucks too much! We still have some problems. But I could have had nothing… So…

That's the best present this Christmas! (and I was wondering what I'm gunna get for Christmas…But I just realized this…*shrugs* It isn't like God works according to occasions. He curses people everyday. *shrugs* But when he decides to be nice, and stop being the sado he is… Ho-ho-ho… But that happens seldom! --> hey, big dude, Merry Christmas! Now gimme a smile!)

-hidoko Matsumoto
Monday, December 25, 2000 11:41:49 PM

http://xz0ne.cjb.net
voidmatsumoto@yahoo.co.uk