Hidoko Matsumoto

Sunday, March 26, 2000 12:21:38 AM
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Notes: Inspired by the song and the day's events.

Starring: Laruku and a bit of Yukiya.

Warnings: Yaoi!
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Tetsu's eyes fell onto the pendant hanging at the edge of his choker. He laughed at the irony, as he remembered the time which he had gotten it.

He had seen the choker at a stall. He had wandered in somehow, attracted by something, perhaps nothing. He had just walked in, and now he had found something so fitting it was ironical. He studied it. A wrought iron shaped as a sword impaled through a heart.

"I can't believe this.. It's so suitable for me." Tears filled his eyes as he watched it for a moment. No friendly salesgirl came over, no one seemed to take notice of him. He took it in his hands carefully, and went to the cashier.

Immediately, he had put it on.

And that was the day when he had lost his first true love.

Now, he killed his heart again, and he was wearing the choker which he'd never thought would symbolize that he would have to kill his heart once he had resurrected it.

"Am I destined to be all alone?" He asked, watching it, gazing up at the sky. He did not know what to do, it hurt so much. God, it was so hurting he knew he had better kill his heart, once again. He knew it would amount to further hurt, he knew it would amount to only pain. It would bear no fruit, that love… "I love… Hyde. I finally understand it… It's not just friendship, I've been deceiving myself…"

"But I can't love him. If I do, I'd be hurt more. I can't love him, I can't love him, I can't…"

Suddenly, his heart calmed down, and the love vanished. One difference between liking and love was that liking will fade and it would never have to be killed, while love must be killed, because it will never fade.

The beautiful moonlit sky seemed to be a funeral's gift. "At least… I'm free, I don't feel lonely… I don't have to care about being lonely…"

And he finally wasn't deceiving himself.

***

He could not sleep, so he decided to drop by Yuki's place. The red-eyed drummer gave him weird glances, and let him play around with his Mac while he sat in a corner, half-asleep, barely listening to Tetsu's talking. Tetsu wouldn't have known what to say, if he was not randomly surfing on Yuki's line and commenting on every single random thing which he came across. And it was then, he found something which he thought was really cool.

He was just at an American comic site, of which he was not even sure of what it was. But, there was a really cool girl. Not just any other blonde bimboes in typical comics, but an interesting gothic girl, with black hair. He thought the ankh around her neck was cool.

He showed Yuki.

"Well… Yeah that's nice…" Yuki's eyes were hardly open, when he murmured, "I have seen Yukiya wear it in a recent magazine shot. I'll help you ask about it the next time I see him, why don't you just go to bed?"

Tetsu relented, he really shouldn't bother Yuki. He was just looking for something to distract him…

:.From what? My heart is dead…….Maybe it hasn't been killed thoroughly yet. Maybe, I need to forget about the love..: But, he was still alive. Besides, Yuki always relented with him, and never really complained. It was the best way Yuki would put things with him, and Yuki hardly even put things to him which he knew was not what Tetsu wanted unless he was really in need. And he knew Yuki had been kept up quite a few nights what with Ken's fight with his wife and Tetsu's frequent visits for distraction. What made things worse was that he had to come up with a remix soon, or else they'd never be able to release the new single. Yuki liked to do things alone, so Tetsu and Ken were not of much help.

Hyde…. Hyde was partly his problem.

Anyway, anyhow, Ken was persuaded to go back home, and now what was left bothering Yuki was Tetsu, still. Tetsu was the leader of the band, but he was definitely not very rational when he was unhappy. He liked to bend things a little, and since Yuki was very flexible about these things unlike Hyde, why not? As for Hyde, he had his beloved girlfriend to care about, what with her frequent whining about him not having enough time.

And just a few moments, Tetsu had been thinking, :.God I miss Hyde so much, and I haven't seen him for what.. .A week?.: At least, he had killed his heart, and now he did not have to worry about his heart hurting whenever he thought of the small vocalist. Well, it was partly his own fault anyway, for not calling Hyde, and not switching his mobile phone on when he knew Hyde would call.

"Oyasumi!"

"You too…" Yuki plopped down onto the futon, and closed his eyes blissfully. Tetsu smiled to himself, and snuggled close to his friend, for warmth.

***

Yuki was surprised when he woke up to find a choker lying by his side. He had never seen it before, he guessed it must be that Tetsu always wore it under his shirt and slipped off while Tetsu was asleep; its clasp was loose and came off easily.

"Tet-chan?" He called.

"What do you want to eat?" A cheerful-sounding voice came emerging from the bathroom, as Tetsu threw the door open, towering over Yuki in his pink pajamas. "I'm going downstairs to buy the food."

"Whatever is convenient," Yuki murmured, and held up the choker. "Hey, this yours?"

Tetsu's eyes widened, as, in a flash, he dashed towards Yuki, and practically grabbed it from him. "Yes, it's mine… Thanks."

"… Is it that important?"

"It's…Symbolic," Tetsu smiled.

Yuki did not ask anymore. "Okay, so you go and buy whatever is convenient. I'll carry on with my work."

"Sorry for the trouble," Tetsu apologized, grinned sheepishly, and bounced out of the room.

The phone began ringing a few seconds right after Tetsu left. Sighing, Yuki dragged himself towards that corner of the room.

"….Hello, Yukihiro?"

"Yukiya!" Yuki exclaimed, not expecting his friend to call. "What's up?"

"Oh… Just thought to say hi… So how's things going for you?"

"Me…?"

"Heard you're stuck doing your work, so I called to see how you're faring."

"Oh, just a bit stuck… I guess I can finish it by the deadline however… Oh!"

"Huh?"

"Yukiya, where did you get the ankh which you wore the other time?"

"Ankh? I'll get it for you if you want, since you're so busy."

"Arigatou~~ My teammate saw this really cool comic girl on the web, and she was wearing that. Tet-chan was showing it to me yesterday—…Well… I guess, I have to get back to work." Yuki was not going to explain about his own teammate's troubles.

"Oh… I'll mail it to you then. I can't come over to Tokyo now, very sorry…"

"I know, you're busy with your own label too…" Yuki smiled gratefully for such a wonderful friend.

"Ganbatte ne!"

"…Un!…So… Bye!"

"Bye…" The two of them hung up, and Yuki went back to his work, not really expecting or remembering much about what was mentioned…

***

Tetsu did not see Hyde that day again. Instead, he chose to spend it with Ken after leaving Yuki's home, the two of them discussing about the new song. He wished he had called Hyde instead, but he remembered that Hyde had some magazine interviews that week.

Also, he did not want to see him.

Neither did Ken, Ken explained that it was because Hyde was always so happy, and Ken could do with not having to be reminded of his marriage for once.

That night, Tetsu dropped by Yuki's home again, after Ken had turned in to bed. He seemed to sleep earlier than he always did, maybe it was just so he could forget his own miseries.

For Tetsu, it was different.

Yuki spent another sleepless night playing poker with Tetsu; the loser gets to drink a cup of coffee.

***

The cheerful face of Doraemon seemed to cheer Hyde up, as he gazed up at the portrait which hung on the wall. A face of cheerful expression, a warm smile, holding a feather in his hands, as he looked up at the artist enquiringly. Hyde smiled, watching it for a moment. This is Tetsu, used to be him.

:.What had happened? Why are you so distant to me…Can you really not love anyone anymore?.: He whimpered, as he buried his face into the ever-happy stuffed toy. "God, I'm so tired of living…"

***

When Hyde awoke, it was not even morning. He did not know when it was, he just woke up and there he was, right in the middle of his bed, finding that he had cried himself to sleep, still hugging the Doraemon in his arms.

"God, it's wet." He smiled at it, wishing it a silent 'good morning'.

When he met with the fearful Tetsu, he did not know what would lie ahead of them. He did not know he would fall in love. He should have known.

He would smile whenever he thought of how Tetsu lit up and exclaim, "Doraemon!" He smiled as he stared into the stuffed toy's face, watching its inanimate features.

He missed the innocence. He missed the hurt in Tetsu, and he wanted to wipe them all away for him. But, is it possible?

He didn't know. Oh, he knew nothing, nothing at all. Nothing about how deep the hurt for Tetsu was, nothing about how to clear it for him. Somehow, he wished it was possible. He wanted Tetsu to see his love, to shower him with every happiness in the world deemed possible…

But, would Tetsu let him?

Tetsu didn't love him back, Tetsu's heart had died.

Yet, he had always thought there was a possibility, no matter how small…

Slowly, he kissed the doll, tracing his fingers along it's smooth rotund face, feeling as if it was Tetsu who was under his touch. It didn't seem to have any difference to him.

If, he was a girl, and if Doraemon was real, he would have married Doraemon. He loved the smile of Doraemon which always seemed to make him happy, he loved the kind heart of Doraemon.

If, he was a girl, and if Tetsu's heart was alive, he would have told Tetsu what he meant. He loved that smile of Tetsu's, that smile which seemed to light up the entire world around him, the smile which shone no matter where he went. He loved the innocent heart of Tetsu's, even though it had been so hurt, even though it was incapable of love.

He loved Tetsu with all his heart, and he wished he could let Tetsu smile again, let his heart feel love.

"I don't care… I guess we'll have to go on as friends." He cared.

He threw the blanket off, took a shower and brushed his teeth. By then, the sun had risen, and the bright orange light shone through the window. Fiery colors always reminded him of Tetsu.

He sighed. His heart felt so lonely, as if it was immersed in tears and drowning slowly and helplessly.

***

The bright sunlight shone in, shining on the two sleepyheads. Yuki was woken up by the glare, while Tetsu's back was facing the light rays, so he had none of that problem. Slowly, he dragged himself to brush his teeth—routine, then the mailbox, for his daily papers and the mail.

He was pleasantly surprised by a small package coming from Yukiya.

When he opened it, it was the ankh which he had promised…

He felt so touched, and happy. There was a letter inside, addressed to Yuki, saying that whoever Yuki wanted to give it to, it was okay. Treat it as some sort of releasing-single present or something, it said.

He smiled, and went back to his room.

"Tetsu, look!"

"……What the…" Tetsu murmured, opening an eye. The other shot open as he immediately realized what he was seeing, the pendant which he had thought was so cool! So Yuki had asked his friend for him…. "Hey! Thanks very much…"

There was no words to describe how touched he was, so he took it over and immediately put it over.

"Ankh… Doesn't it symbolize life after death?" Yuki asked Tetsu, turning away to keep his letter in a 'safe' place.

"Huh? It does…? Oh, I didn't know that, but it's cool anyway… Thanks again!"

"Welcome," Yuki replied, a grin on his face.

***

That day, Tetsu decided to go shopping. He was not exactly sure what he wanted to do, he was hoping that he would maybe pick a girl off the streets, and "kamisama, mou sukoshi dake" drama will happen.

Or something.

Anyhow, what Yuki said inspired him to put on both the choker and the ankh at the same time. Yeah, maybe it symbolized life after death of a killed heart…

He ended up watching a movie, and falling asleep in the theater. When he finally emerged from the theater, and found human needs hard to ignore, he went to the toilet.

The mirror reflection of him showed only the ankh and not the choker of the sacred heart.

Suddenly, it hit him that he had lost it, and reasoning told him that he had probably dropped it somewhere earlier after searching at his seat. "Well… I guess I have the ankh, so I don't have to care… Maybe it means that my heart is living in a zone of afterlife…?"

He laughed to himself, and allowed himself to hold bright views.

If only Hyde found his heart. He had thought, when he first killed his heart, to give that pendant to whoever would resurrect it.

Now, it seems like it will forever remain dead…

***

Hyde left the house, and squeezed into the bus. The car broke down, he couldn't get a cab, and so his only option was a bus. Slowly, he sat down, at a seat…

Something seemed to be poking into his butt, as he stood up and found the 'pain in the ass'.

It was a choker which someone had obviously dropped, well… He held it in his hands, not sure who had dropped it. But no one around him stopped him or told him whose it was. He liked it, and something prompted him to keep it.

After all, it would probably be suitable for Tetsu, even though he knew he could never give Tetsu that choker.
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~Owari~

1:46:34 AM Sunday, March 26, 2000

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