Monday, December 06, 1999 3:36:36 PM

Xz0ner
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Notes: Written for Christmas! ^_^ Merry Christmas, everyone! Hido: Why do we have to kick Hyde around every time? Muse: Let's just go and kick Hyde around! Hido: But Hyde doesn't look like the sad kind! Muse: Neither does he look like the happy kind! So let's just go and kick Hyde around!

Starring: Hyde, Tetsu, and Yoshiki, then Hisashi, Teru

Warnings: Yaoi! And, Yoshiki is a girl here. Gomen.
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The whiteness of the snow contrasted with the darkness of the night. A moon shone overhead, but the temperature was too cold. A pain flooded his heart, as he trudged on…. He did not want to go home, he could not go home. Well, he was lost anyway. The woods were capable of doing that to him, so every place looked the same no matter where he walked.

Nearby, he could hear the sound of gushing water. He walked towards it, hoping that it could lead him somewhere. But it would not matter much, anyway, he did not want to go back. If it meant that he had to die just so that he could leave that hell forever, he would….

The river was dark and vengeful. The moonlight glinted off its surface dangerously, and he stopped walking, stopped his traveling… It would be of no use anyway. He couldn't live on any longer, he wanted to die, just wanted to die… Water droplets flailed around as he fell into the water soundlessly, sinking in as if he was always a part of the coldness…

***

"Oh my god…" Tetsu muttered, as he saw the boy plunge into the water underneath. He descended from the sky quickly, and, without a second thought, cast a spell. The boy was lifted from the raging river by an unseen power, his face a deathly white from the coldness, even paler than his whitish blonde hair. He did not know what to do, the boy was so pale and weak he was worried that he might have been dead. With a sigh, he lifted the small boy from the snow-covered ground, and hugged him gently, hoping that some of his warmth would enter his body.

A few moments passed by, and Tetsu was glad to see some of the boy's color returning. Thinking that his parents must have been worried about him, Tetsu muttered, "….I wonder where he lives?"

He carried the boy off, not sure where to head to. He had not been a Christmas Spirit for that long a time, it was his second year and he was inexperienced. The light weight against his back was reassuring, as he trudged on and on. He could not help but shiver, the cold wind blew through the trees and beat down on him mercilessly. He wished he knew the spell to create fires, but even though he had studied really hard, there was only so much he had learnt in the period of time. No, this could not go on anymore. If he continued walking, he too would collapse some time soon.

But he was worried that he should reveal his identity to the boy, because it was the orders that he should never reveal his identity to anyone else except for the person whom he wanted to give the wish to. So he continued trudging, despite the frost biting against his skin.

***

Hyde's eyes opened slowly, as he felt a warmth coming from in front of him. He smelt a natural fragrant rose-like smell, which drifted from the long red hair into his dreamy mind. It was a beautiful sight, he felt so safe in that presence, as if all the wounds in his heart were healed. But his body still hurt, the cracks of the whips and leather felt as if they were rotting him into a corpse, especially after being dunked into the water and taken out again into the freezing cold.

It took him a moment to realize that he was on someone's back, and he probably would never have realized that if the person hadn't slipped and casted him into the snow and then fallen onto him.

He could hear the redhead moan in pain, as he struggled to get up. Hyde, now more than awake, felt his body protesting under the weight and the surrounding cold.

"Hey, you're awake!" The stranger exclaimed, and reached out to help Hyde up once he got onto his feet. Worriedly, he added, "Are you okay? Why did you jump into the river just like that?"

"……..Thanks…" Hyde muttered, accepting his help, and staggered on his way. "It's all none of your business, so you can leave me alone now…."

"Hey, I can't leave you alone… Boy, what's your name?"

"….Hyde."

"I'm Tetsu," Tetsu smiled, reaching out for a handshake, but Hyde ignored him. "…..It's not good to commit suicide."

"Leave me alone, you weird sissy!" Hyde exploded, picking up a handful of snow and throwing it at him. "I don't want your stupid lecture!"

The cold snow hit Tetsu hard on the face, falling into his shirt collar, making him shiver. "But…"

Hyde felt his heart tear as he looked into Tetsu's face, he could see the amount of sadness and hurt in them. So much that he knew what he had felt compared to Tetsu at one time was nothing. He regretted what he had done, regretted feeling angry. Tears fell from his eyes, freezing into little pieces of ice once had they rolled down his chin. "….I didn't mean it, I just…."

"…." Tetsu smiled, as he approached the smaller figure, which was so vulnerable, not only on the inside but on the outside as well. He wiped away the tear tracks gently. "Nee, it's okay… ………Have you been hurt? Tell me…"

Hyde looked up, feeling the other guy's fingers fall short of his face. It hurt so much, he wanted to let it all out, but he was afraid of doing so. Why, he barely knew that person. Shaking his rational self back into control, he slapped Tetsu's hand away, and retorted, "I'm fine."

"……" Tetsu watched him go, and followed him. There was silence for a few minutes, as they trudged on in the coldness.

Suddenly, Hyde spoke. It was care disguised in a gruff voice, as he turned around and glared at Tetsu. "Are you cold?"

Tetsu's face lighted up, and even though in reality he was shivering, he shook his head. He knew that Hyde was caring, after all.

"Here, take this," Hyde took off his jacket and threw it over Tetsu's frail shoulders. "It should fit you well."

Tetsu could see through Hyde's façade, could see that he was trying to hide his broken pieces of heart under the thick layer of fog. As he watched the little boy turn his body coldly from him, he could feel the warmth and care burning inside his heart. He said decidedly, "…This is it. Hyde, make a wish."

Hyde turned in surprise, his hands in his pocket. Confusion, then anger. "What are you talking about?! Do you think I'm a kid, huh?"

"Listen to me…" Tetsu tried to explain. "As long as it's not too outrageous, I can do it…"

Hyde shook his head. "You're just another one of them out to make fun of me!"

"I………." His futile voice fell on deaf ears, as Hyde ran away from him.

"I hate you… I hate you all……."

He could hear the hurt in that voice. His heart gripped in a pain as he watched the figure run away. Maybe I should let him calm down first…? He asked himself. Then he saw the frail figure fall to the ground, unmoving. He knew, then, he knew… Hyde was all alone in the world right then and he needed him. He ran towards the still body, as he pulled him up.

"……Leave me alone…" Hyde's weak whisper entered his mind.

"No," One of Tetsu's hand formed a spherical glow, as it enveloped Hyde and seemed to carry him up. Tetsu's face was earnest; Hyde had never seen such sincerity which probed through his heart so painfully. "Please, don't ask me to do that."

"…….Thank you…." Hyde closed his eyes, in the warmth, he had fallen off to sleep. Tetsu smiled, as he looked around, not sure of what to do. He was not sure if he had imagined it, but he heard Hyde's soft whisper, "…If only there is some one who's as caring as you is by my side always…. I really wish….. But….."

Tetsu smiled to himself. If that's what Hyde wants, he shall get it, then.

***

When the darkness faded away slowly, Hyde could hear the crackling of a faint sound of fire. The warmth was endearing, he had never felt so comfortable and so at home. He lay there some more, and finally opened his eyes slowly, wondering if he was in heaven.

He was not, however; neither was he in hell. He was deep inside a damp cave, a bonfire the only source of light and heat. In the dim light, he saw the beautiful figure illustrated so vividly, as if he came from a dream. Hyde smiled; even though he was not sure if he was still dreaming. After all, what had happened last night could not be true… There was no such thing as magic, or a wish granted.

He sighed to himself, watching the flickering light against Tetsu's face. He noticed that his long hair, tied in a pony tail at the back, was now damp and messy. There was a jewel in the shape of a tear at the bottom of Tetsu's eyes, making him seem as if he was crying. Hyde watched, fascinated. Then he noticed that Tetsu's clothes were all drenched as well. If he goes on like this… He'll get sick…. Hyde thought worriedly, noticing that the jacket which he had given to Tetsu last night had been draped over his own shoulders. He took it in his hands, stood up, and walked over to Tetsu's end of the cave.

"………Thank you, Tetsu…" He whispered as he squatted down and lay the jacket down over Tetsu like a blanket. Tears once again flooded his eyes; but he quickly blinked it away. No, he was not weak, he couldn't cry…. After all, he didn't shed a tear when he was being hurt. Surely, he would never shed a tear again, because when there was too much pain, he would get used to it……

But, this is not pain.

Seeing Tetsu shiver, he took off another layer of coat and sweater and threw them over him. He was not cold, not then, because he still felt the warm inside, and that was all that mattered. Even though he did not know how to accept it.

The light flickered on, as Hyde went towards the light, and saw that the sun had already risen. He was not yet refreshed, but neither was he tired. He must have been sleeping for only a few hours. It was not that cold anyway.

Then, he remembered that he did not want to go home. The hurtful memories rose towards the surface of his mind. Ah, hadn't he came out into the cold because he wanted to get lost in the woods and die? He laughed at himself sadly, returning back to the cave. Tetsu was still sleeping soundly. Ah, I suppose I'd better be more concerned about Tetsu now… I hope he's not sick… He crossed his fingers worriedly.

It was not an illusion, he thought, at least hoped, as Tetsu's long eyelashes fluttered open to reveal bright beautiful eyes. Hyde felt the pain tug at his heart again, as he remembered last night, how he had treated Tetsu badly. Maybe, Tetsu was not like the rest of the world after all; his feelings showed through those eyes so easily.

"Good morning," Tetsu greeted with a smile on his face. As he got up, he noticed the layer of clothes over him, and a mist flooded his eyes. Gratefully, he whispered, "Thanks, Hyde…."

"I just didn't want you to get sick," He said simply, squirming uncomfortably. He was not used to that unshielded heart.

"……But…" Tetsu whispered. Then, he cheered up, as if he remembered something; "Nee, Hyde-chan! I just granted your wish yesterday."

"Huh?"

As if he hadn't noticed Hyde's apparent confusion, Tetsu continued, "Yes, your wish for me to be by your side…"

"What?!" Hyde exclaimed, shock making him speechless. "But…."

Tetsu smiled gently, blowing all the impact away. "It's fine, Hyde. I've granted you the wish. Now, let's go home?"

"Home…?" Hyde muttered, his head lowered. He forced a smile back on. "You're just kidding me, right? It's impossible. Stop your acting. I'm not a kid!"

"……What's wrong…?" Tetsu asked again this time, crawling over to where Hyde was sitting. "I… I'm not acting, it's true…"

"………Please, stop hurting me…." Tetsu could hear the pain, could feel the deepness of the wound as if it was his own. He hugged Hyde, as if it had been himself who had been hurt… He could feel the pain….

"I won't hurt you, Hyde, I'm here…"

Right there, in the midst of the snow, a flower was blooming. Hyde buried his head into Tetsu's chest, hugging Tetsu back with all his might, because that was the only comfort which he had right then.

***

Hyde was very uneasy. Tetsu's idea of home was a caring family, with the smell of freshly baked cookies and cheerful kids. He was not sure what would happen if Tetsu found out about his family. Either case, Tetsu was stuck on earth, and while he was stuck on earth, Hyde had to carry that responsibility.

They trudged on slowly, Tetsu oblivious to Hyde's awkwardness. The sun was higher by then, so it was not too cold. They finally came out of the forest in some unfamiliar district which he had never seen, and they had managed to hitch hike back home with the help of a kindly man who was probably in his thirties.

"Do you really think you can't wait?" Hyde asked Tetsu. Tetsu noticed his pleading eyes, and thought about why Hyde had been out there in the cold last night if he had a nice place to return to. Immediately he regretted babbling like that, he wished that he had thought of how the boy felt.

"……Sorry…"

Hyde forced a smile. Let your high hopes down…… "Sorry."

"…Nee, I promise I won't be too much of a trouble……" Tetsu mumbled hopefully, his hands clasped together. Hyde looked at him sadly, and nodded.

They arrived back home. The whole house was a shock to Tetsu as he stepped in for the first time. It was dark; the curtains were drawn. And extremely messy. That combination made it seem like a pig sty; the house was almost knee-deep in dust. Hyde's face was reduced to its solemn appearance once again, as he gazed at the house as if his soul had been gone. Tetsu reached for Hyde's hand, and squeezed it tightly.

"…..I'm here, Hyde," Hyde heard the reassuring voice, and the color in his soul seemed to have returned. He nodded tensely, seeming to brace his courage, as he turned the doorknob to his room. The same old bed, same old sheets… Same old chains, rusted with overuse and blood stains. He closed his eyes, a sick sensation swarming over his being, as he felt his feet waver. But Tetsu's grip got tighter, as he steadied himself.

"……Thanks, Tet-chan…" He whispered gratefully.

Tetsu did not say anything, as he stared at those chains, and looked up to Hyde questioningly. Hyde shook his head sadly, unable to reply. There was surely too much hurt in his whole being… Tetsu felt yet another stab of pain in his heart, as if something lay over his chest heavily; he could not breathe.

Why…? Tetsu asked himself, not sure of how much the kid had went through. Something told him it was much deeper than he could understand; he had been human once and he understood hurt and human's lack of understanding. He wished that he was able to see through the shroud, to get to the other boy, but he could not, no matter how he tried. After all, they were different souls…

Hyde looked up suddenly, with a horrified expression on his face. "No, they'll hurt you! We can't stay here…"

"Hyde? Who?" Tetsu asked. Hyde pulled Tetsu's hand vigorously, pulling him into a sprint.

"……My… Sister…"

"Sister?" Tetsu whispered, his eyebrows raised.

"And her friends…." Tears flooded Hyde's eyes.

"But… Where are you going to stay?" Tetsu asked. Hyde shook his head; anything as long as they were safe… Anything…

They escaped from the dark dank house, into the white snow-covered streets. There the light shone, as they sat side by side outside one of the stores. The activities of the streets were bustling by, but neither of them could feel the world rotating about them. Hyde watched the passing crowd, the cars on the streets, as he no longer had any thought in his mind. Tetsu watched Hyde's unchanging features, wondering what had been done to him that hurt him so much.

He decided to ask.

"…I'm an adopted kid, see?" A bitter laugh. He no longer felt so alone anymore; for once in his life he knew that someone was the same as him—had no friends, or family other than just one person. At least, in this world…. "They treat me okay. But…"

Tetsu listened intently, growing more and more shocked as Hyde's sad story revealed. Hyde's parents had committed suicide because the business had failed and they were under lawsuits. Hyde was supposed to have died with them, had he not been rescued and adopted by his parent's sister's friend, who always wanted a son after she had a sickness which made her sterile after she had a daughter. At first, they treated him very well. Hyde's expression was contorted with present pain and a longing for the past as he spoke. Tetsu wished he could say something to comfort Hyde, to lessen his pain, but he did not know what to do.

Then, the mother was down with cancer. Ever since she had passed away, his adopted father and sister had believed that he was the cause of the mother's illness. "……Although she said she found me cute.. And her friends, too… But, I know she's avenging her mother……" His voice cracked, tears flooding his eyes. "She claimed it that she was just having fun with me. And she claimed that I enjoyed it as well. Maybe, I did…… I don't understand how else."

But… Deep inside…… Tetsu could see the hurt in his soul. There was no one whom he could talk to; he couldn't speak to just anyone about it. It was a delicate matter, after all. He knew that everyone would just laugh at him if he did, but Tetsu could feel his pain as if it was his own. Because, Tetsu knew what pain was, he saw it with his own eyes.

"Father doesn't care, he thinks that it serves me right to be hurt…" Hyde shook his head. Maybe I did… After all, I wasn't supposed to live on anyway……

Tetsu wrapped his arm around Hyde's frail shoulders, over the soft and thick fabric. Hyde blinked his tears away, and shook Tetsu's hands off.

"People'll talk," Hyde muttered. Yes, he had caused Tetsu to be hurt, too. But now he wished he hadn't told him; it was probably much better to keep it to himself. There was no need for anyone to know, maybe some time later Tetsu will turn his back on him and laugh at him, to share it with everyone else…… As it had happened before. He wondered why the heck had he made the silly mistake again… But, after all, he probably deserved it.

"Why?" Tetsu's brow furrowed. An unclear image was floating back into his head. A girl's sad face, her scarred hands… He looked up in shock, and pulled Hyde's sleeves up. There was, indeed, scars of suicide and self-mutilation. "……Hyde, don't hurt yourself…"

Hyde stared at Tetsu in disbelief. How could he know? He didn't understand for a moment, his shaking hands slapping Tetsu's away. Silence. Tetsu looked away awkwardly, not sure of what he should do. His hand sifted through the snow on the pavement, feeling them melt under his grasp, as he waited.

For what, no one was sure of.

The sun was setting. Everywhere was a diluted orangy red, as if everything came from far away in the past, so far away that they had never existed…

A glance at Hyde told him that Hyde was sleeping. How he had managed to fall asleep as the world passed around him, Tetsu did not know; could not understand. Everything was so strange, as he just watched the color fill the street. It almost seemed as if the world was ending…… When was the last time he had seen such a sunset? He tried to recall. In his past life…

A spirit with memories is a suffering one. Yet because he had memories, he was a living spirit, even after his body died, unlike some who had unfortunately been taken away to be brainwashed and become a ghost, to serve mindlessly until their sins were repented. My sins have been too much…. His eyes were fixed at the floor, but nothing really reflected into his eyes, as he remembered her laugh, her smiling face…… And his own hands which had been dyed in red. Ah, it had been so long ago, all the while he had been living with that memory… Living, because of that memory…

She was almost as sad as Hyde was. Maybe, Hyde was sadder. Because she was able to see the flowers and the butterflies even in winter, while Hyde—Tetsu glanced worriedly at the sleeping figure—was so depressed. He could compare the differences. Both of them were so different, yet they seemed so… similar.

Ah, the orange was fading into a darker beautiful gray. He could remember flying through that gray sky, doing his job for so many years…. He was not even sure how long it had been, centuries maybe? He heaved a sigh. Even then, he was not human or spirit… Because he had to stay by Hyde's side, he had gotten a body, but, he was still not considered alive… He was, after all, a sinner.

And all the while, she had been lost as he stepped through time as the eternal being which he will always be, while she went on in her living as a mortal existence. Sire…. Where are you now? He wondered.

"Tetsu, let's go…" Hyde's voice floated into his ear, shaking him from the train of thoughts.

Tetsu wanted to ask where, but he wasn't sure if he should. Hyde stood up, brushing his blonde hair out of his eyes, his large eyes darting to look at him. Tetsu smiled assuringly, but Hyde did not respond; he turned and walked away.

They went back to where they had come from. Hyde did not speak, he seemed to have overcome his fear, instead he seemed worried over something.

Then, as they stood outside of the house, Hyde turned and spoke to Tetsu coldly. "Go back… You can't stay here."

"…..Why?" He asked, a simple question. Ah, so that was why Hyde was so cold all of a sudden. He seemed to change a lot, in such a fast pace too…

"……Because." Hyde's voice was soft, but there was a pleading note to it.

Tetsu relented, his brows furrowed worriedly. But, he remembered the bondage between him and Hyde, the promise which he had made in the presence of the sky. It had been Hyde's wish, and he would follow the promise, no matter what… I'll look after him, even if he won't let me…. He decided, shaking his head.

Hyde pushed Tetsu with all of his might, causing him to fall onto the ground into the snow. Somewhere in the neighborhood he could smell the smell of dinner, as families sat around the table… His heart was pained. "Go away, I don't want you here."

"You do." Tetsu couldn't help it; he knew the moment he saw it in Hyde's eyes. Hyde shook his head, in his eyes a sudden helplessness.

"…………Please, let me go with you."

Hyde lowered his head, and turned back towards the staircase, to open the door. Tetsu hurriedly climbed back onto his feet, and rushed after Hyde, but the door was slammed in his face.

Well, I won't go! Tetsu decided, sitting down on the staircase. His stomach was grumbling like hell; they had not had anything for the whole day. He sighed, twiddling his fingers absent-mindedly, wondering if what he was going through was enough to compensate for all his sins….

*** (hido: It's not that easy, dear! ^^*)

The house echoed as he slammed the door hurriedly. It was still dark, still empty, still lifeless. He could no longer hide his sadness; he really needed someone by his side.

The sound of piano reached his ears; his sister was back home already. The melody was so sad; Hyde was sure he had heard it thousands of times before. Just listening to it, he could remember how they used to play together when they were young… He fought hard not to cry. Ah, the fading past, the fading happiness…… Everything changed with time, he told himself bitterly.

"You're home," The feminine voice said, without emotions in her voice. Hyde dared not say anything, as he looked at the girl in her dress, her sweater still dyed in the blood which she had not bothered to wash off yet. Seeing that Hyde was choosing to keep silent, she demanded, "Say something, you rude brat!"

Hyde clamped his mouth shut, as she advanced to him. He was much shorter than she was, about a good fifteen centimeters. His eyes were on the red blood stain on the sweater, as he stood there, unmoving…

"Well!" She slapped him. He had almost gotten used to that feeling; it was nothing compared to shame. "Where have you been anyway?! Huh, you troublesome kid. Clean up the house by dinnertime!"

Hyde nodded, not meekly, even though her fury was unmistakable. He had already gotten used to it, as she turned and went back to her piano. Maybe, it was void which filled him instead of sadness or pain. He went to the store room, to take a broom. The sounds of piano grew more and more distracted; the feelings in it were mixed. He could hear it all, the way she pressed down on the keys. More than just hatred, or sadness….

The sound of the door opening was unmistakable.

"Hyde!!" A voice shouted, making Hyde whirl.

"Who's this woman, Hyde?!" The man demanded, blocking Tetsu from entering the house.

"I……" Hyde stole a glance at Tetsu, not sure of what to say. "I don't know."

"………But, she seems to know you," Trevor mumbled, an eyebrow raised. Hyde shook his head persistently.

"I…" Tetsu racked his brains for something to say. Something convincing, and something which could help bring him in. "I… I don't have a place to stay…"

"You can find someone else," The girl shouted sharply. "Just one Hyde is enough! We don't need another person… To curse our family…"

"Yoshiki!" Trevor reprimanded. "Don't be rude!"

Yoshiki shook her head unhappily, pushing her long golden curls away.

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I cannot agree…." Trevor himself seemed unsure; he wanted to pity Tetsu but couldn't.

Tears flooded Tetsu's eyes as the door closed slowly. With all his might, he suddenly pushed the door apart. The promise… "I… I already belong to Hyde!"

At that outburst, both Trevor and Hyde almost lost their balance, while Yoshiki stared at the boy with her jaw agape.

"Im… Impossible!" Both Trevors exclaimed.

"Uh… It's not what you think…" Tetsu realized what he had sounded like, and his face blushed red enough to match his hair. "I…."

"Bastard!" Trevor uttered, realizing the truth that Tetsu was wearing one of Hyde's coats. He glared at the figure who was sweeping the floor, speechless with fury for a second, before waving Tetsu in. Tetsu smiled awkwardly, glad to at least have succeeded, even in some weird way. Hyde looked away angrily, while he continued sweeping the floor. Tetsu was not sure now why Hyde was angry; he thought he should have felt the opposite, now that they were together.

"Nee, Hyde, I'll help you…?" He asked, reaching out for the broom.

Hyde glared at him, and slapped his hand away. The large eyes were burning in the small face. "Thanks, but no thanks. I can do it myself."

Tetsu withdrew his hand, his head lowered. This time, Hyde seemed really angry. He was not sure what he should do, so he did nothing.

*** (man, I love hirai's writing. ^_~ Don't tell her, because I hate Sakura c/w Hyde…… ? Well, at least now. A Taste of Love was ok, but… ~_~)

Dinner was served. Hyde had eaten with the whole family; it was so seldom he was allowed to eat at all. He supposed it was because of Tetsu's appearance. Dinner was like a silent film, Tetsu had known better than to speak to him. Ah, they were seated, just like the old times…

When Tetsu was asleep in a corner, Hyde was awakened with a gentle probe.

"Come here," He heard a soft hiss. His blood froze, as he looked up in horror, to see Yoshiki's face. "If you make a single noise, I'll tell Dad you're a gay. Surely, he'll kick you out?"

Hyde's voice was stuck in his throat, as he followed her towards the back of the yard. He had no place to stay… No, it was not because of that, there was some kind of bondage between him, the family, and the house. He did not know what he would have done, if he had never been taken into that house…

But, that was a long time ago. Now, he still didn't know what to do, the physical torture that they had given him was not as hurting as it was inside… The pain which he had felt, as he clutched on to the past, was overwhelming.

I wish… I can let go… He sobbed, tears rolling down his cheeks as Yoshiki pushed him hard against the wall.

"You were lying. He's a guy."

Hyde nodded. He was done for, this time. She slapped him again and again; it grew more numb with each move.

"Surely, you won't like to see him suffer, would you? Ah, well. I'm getting bored," She mumbled, chaining Hyde's neck to the tree trunk. "Bitch."

She shoved him to the ground and kicked him in the ribs. His frail form suffered from severe beating, just like it had been almost everyday. Yoshiki saw his tears, but she did not smile. Even if she did, Hyde could tell it was not from joy…

She left him chained up there whimpering in pain. It had started snowing again; the pieces of snowflakes were floating down onto his frail form, the coldness seeming to penetrate through his bones. He tried to huddle in a corner, right beside the tree, to keep himself warm… Ah, it wasn't the first time anymore. It was hard, but he had fallen asleep; and sleep locked everything from the present away into the past.

***

"Good morning, Tetsu," Tetsu could hear Yoshiki's voice. He smiled.

"Morning."

"Where's Hyde? When I woke up, he wasn't there…" Tetsu said worriedly, remembering what Hyde had told him, oblivious to the fact that this was indeed the culprit whom he was talking to.

"Repenting for his sins," She laughed naturally, shrugging as if it was none of her business.

Tetsu had seen this scene before. It brought pain to his heart; he hated being that helpless…. "Where is he?! Tell me!"

"No."

Tetsu wanted to shove her out of the way, to sprint out of the house and find the vulnerable boy… But Yoshiki was too strong. She slapped him, causing him to fall onto the floor.

"You're a guy," She said disgustedly. "Dad may not know, but I do. When he finds out, he'll beat Hyde to death for ruining our name."

"No!"

"What's it with that tear-jewel on your cheek, anyway?" She smirked, pressing against it forcefully.

Tetsu shook his head, covering it with his hand. It was sacred…

"You're useless, dude. Get out of here. You'll only bring Hyde trouble if you stay here."

"No…." Tetsu's voice cracked, as the thoughts raced through his mind. She smiled; he knew she would not do anything to him yet. Yoshiki retreated out of the room, as Tetsu sat there for a moment, stunned. Then he remembered about Hyde, he must have been lying somewhere, helpless, like he was when he first found him… Gulping in fear, he rushed all about the house. Yoshiki had already left, he didn't find her anywhere in the house. But, neither was Hyde.

He must have been outside… His thoughts rang as he ran towards the door. It was locked, from the outside. He fumbled with the doorknob for a moment, then slammed his body against it. Of course, his small body was no use against the large door, and he fell back sprawled on the floor. He climbed back up, not sure of what to do, and heard laughing from outside of the house, through the thin glass of the window.

He whirled. "Hyde…?!"

Yoshiki smirked as she held the keys to the house in her hand, and skipped away as if she didn't have a care in the world. Without hesitance, Tetsu's hands clasped the doorknob tightly, as his thoughts focused on Hyde. A glow radiated, and it opened easily. He could see Yoshiki already going down the street somewhere, and not turning back.

"Hyde!" He cried desperately. The morning was cold again. He ran, not sure of where he should look… Then he reached the backyard. Hyde was chained out there in the snow with nothing but shirt and shorts on. The figure was asleep… No, that was not sleeping. That was being unconscious. He hurriedly unchained him, and held Hyde's body close.

God, he's so cold…

And he hadn't even known about it. He hated himself; hadn't he promised to look after him?! He could not stop scolding himself, for being so helpless… He hoped that Hyde would be all right.

When the boy was set down in the bed with as many blankets as Tetsu could find over him, he finally let go of a held breath. The face was so pale, and so beautiful. Even though Hyde was a guy, he looked like a girl… Tetsu's brows furrowed. He looked so helpless.

His hand touched his forehead, to find that now that the coldness was gone he was burning a fever. He had grown really tired healing all the wounds on Hyde's body, after taking time to change him out of the snow-covered-wet clothes.

"….Yoshiki…" Tetsu was surprised that even at that time he was calling out the name of whom had tortured him.

"……She's not here, Hyde…" He did not know what to think. He was still thinking of what Yoshiki had said. It is true, after all…

"…Dad…….. Mom….. Yoshiki….." Hyde's face contorted in pain, as he began crying. Tetsu could see that; now he was worried that the fever was getting too high. He touched Hyde's forehead again, and withdrew it to find that it was burning hot.

"Hyde, it's okay, don't cry…" He soothed in his own quiet voice, wishing that Hyde could hear it in his troubled sleep. Hyde's tears seemed to stop flowing for awhile; maybe he had heard Tetsu after all… The hand which had remained on Hyde's forehead glowed. "Everything's fine…"

He could no longer hold his eyes open anymore. He lifted his hand, felt his eyes close, and he plopped down onto Hyde's stomach, already asleep.

***

When Yoshiki came back she wasn't particularly happy. She removed Hyde from under the blankets, and carried his naked form away from under Tetsu's sleeping form. She did not want to know how Tetsu had gotten to Hyde; she must have made a mistake, and she hated it. What was more, she could not understand how Hyde's wounds could have disappeared.

The blonde boy stirred. "Mom…"

She ignored him. Is Mom for you to call?! She thought, tears brimming in her eyes. Nothing can replace her now. Nothing. This little blonde boy was a curse to her family, she always thought so….

"….Yoshiki……." She could see his tears rolling down unmistakably. Shocked, she relented. Maybe she shouldn't do it now, she decided, not sure of what to do. No, I shouldn't be like this....

Maybe I'll go and hurt the other guy, it'll hurt Hyde just as much… She smirked. But she shook her head, if she did, it would not be fun. She wanted the other guy to leave, after all…. One curse was enough. Besides, Hyde would have utterly no one if he had left. That was what she wanted. Her smirk disappeared, as she threw him down onto her bed, and locked the door.

It'll be too easy on him if I let him die just like that for killing Mom….

She let him sleep for a while. That young boy was cute; it was no wonder he could attract another who was so attractive. Then she grew impatient, and slapped him, wanting to wake him up. Hyde's eyes shut tighter in pain, then slowly opened his eyes. She could see his fear as she stared into them.

"Murderer!" She spat, slapping him harder. Hyde was crying again; he looked like a puppy not understanding why he deserved to be kicked around so much. Even after all these years. Annoyed by those eyes, she pulled him up by his hair, feeling Hyde's pain burn into her soul. Now, you know how much you hurt me…. "The bed is not suitable for you."

She flung him down on the floor with such force, as his head knocked against the wall. His head spun; he was like a silent pierrot who could not make a sound. He could not resist, either, as she kicked him hard, reaching for the whip which sat on the closet.

"Why don't you scream and let you 'wife' know that you're hurting?" Yoshiki's whip came down hard against his skin, making him gasp in pain. "He'll surely come to rescue you."

"………The forbidden Child." She kicked him hard with the heels of her boots.

"Hyde? Where are you?" She could hear a clear voice coming from outside of the room; she was right not to have closed the door. She lifted Hyde and slammed him against the bedpost. Hyde gasped yet again, his weak eyes darting towards outside of the door. He could see it in her eyes… Such hatred….

"Tetsu, go away!" He cried. Yoshiki smirked, as she chained Hyde to the bedpost.

"Hyde?!" Tetsu rushed into the room, shocked by the scene. Yoshiki was hurting Hyde. He should have known… "Hyde! Don't do anything to him!"

"Tetsu…. Leave me…." Hyde pleaded. Tetsu stood there, not knowing what to do. He could remember what Yoshiki had said, that he could do nothing….

"You saved him?" She smirked. "Well, he's getting hurt again. What are you gonna do?"

Tetsu froze. Yoshiki advanced towards him, her face coldly illuminated in the afternoon sun. He felt like a captured bird, but he dared not back away.

"Don't hurt him…! Tetsu…" Hyde's voice made him even more determined to stay.

She shoved him hard against the shelf, and the glass bottles fell down onto Tetsu, shattering as they came into contact with the floor. He cried; falling down as the pieces of glass pierced his body. Hyde's screams sounded, as if they came from a long distance away.

"You're helpless."

Tetsu's breaths were short and ragged, it hurt too much to move.

"Tetsu…"

"It's all your fault, Hyde. Look, your beloved is lying on the ground in a pool of blood. It's all because of you." Yoshiki's breath was warm against his ears, as he struggled to be free of the chain, wishing he could help Tetsu in some way… Yoshiki slapped him again. "Is he really that important?"

Inside, she knew the answer. She hated the way Hyde seemed to be bonded to Tetsu, she hated to see them so close. It reminded her that she had no one, ever since her mother died… He killed her…. He killed my brother and my mother…… Her fingers closed in around his neck, digging in. Hyde choked, Yoshiki's nails digging into his flesh was nothing compared to the lack of air. He's never struggled before, until Tetsu came here….

"Watch carefully, Tetsu." She stopped strangling Hyde. The boy gasped for air, the pain in his chest surfacing. "You're not only of no help, but I'm doing this because you're here."

"Hyde…." The pieces of glass impaled through Tetsu had rendered him motionless. Tears filled up his eyes. He could remember what had happened, how Sire had been raped after he died and he had been able to do nothing… He tried to shut his eyes; he could not bear to watch. The wheel of destiny turning again…… nandoumo... Ittai...?!

Yoshiki looked at him, annoyed, and pulled him up from the shards of glass. She dragged him near Hyde's body, letting him fall down onto the floor limply.

"You'd better watch," She tilted his chin, "Or he'll suffer more pain."

Tetsu groaned weakly. Yoshiki smiled, pleased to see his pretty eyes so filled with horror. He'll leave. When he realizes, he'll leave.

Then her face turned back into its original coldness. Her hands gripped Hyde's arms tightly, as she kissed him forcefully, forcing her tongue into his mouth. Hyde choked, his eyes darting towards Tetsu.

A silent plea for help.

Tetsu realized it. Hyde had been struggling with himself, with fate all along, trying to understand why all these had been happening to him; even though he was accepting the truth. And all the while, his hope for everything to stop had been let down, causing him to see everything as gray…. No wonder Hyde was the way he was. No wonder he was hidden behind that wall.

Have I given him a false sense of hope? God, he hated this, he wished he could die, instead of having Hyde being hurt so much… But he could barely move.

And then she held something in her hand, a small knife. There was dried blood on it. Tetsu felt sick, as he saw her draw the knife slightly against Hyde's chest, drawing a thin line of blood. He saw her smirking at him, as she watched his expression. There was a silence, a deadly silence right at that moment, the silence before the storm.

Then she put it away. Her hands pressed hard on his bruised flesh, making him howl in pain. Then she let go, kissing the bloodied flesh. Hyde's breathing was deep, and Tetsu realized that he was sobbing. With frightened eyes, he saw Yoshiki lift the small body effortlessly, and threw him over the bed, parting his legs as if it was just a routine. She looked around a bit, and saw a black umbrella. An unfeeling smirk, as she reached for it, and shoved the sharp end in. Hyde screamed in pain, at the sudden assault of metal against flesh. "Stop…. Please, stop…"

She didn't. Tetsu couldn't bear to watch any longer, couldn't bear to even be there. He was so helpless… His eyes slid shut, even as Hyde's pitiful voice invaded his mind.

*** (…………….)

Yoshiki left them there. Hyde was still sobbing, his face red from all the tears, huddling in a corner. He cried some more, the chain not allowing much movement. Finally, he calmed down, and looked at Tetsu. Even though he could not look at him without feeling so degraded; even though that was not the first time he had been raped like that, in the presence of a third party... But, Tetsu was hurt so badly… He had never seen so much blood before. Pulling at the chains, he tried to get as close to the figure as possible. "Tetsu…? Are you okay?"

There was so much shame and sadness in his voice. But such care, despite his present position. Tetsu's heart ripped into pieces, as he lay there. He tried to move, wincing at his own wounds. It hurt… too much… "I'll.. set you…..free…"

"No, I'm okay," Hyde assured, he lied. He was not okay. He was still trembling like hell. Mentally, and externally, he was bleeding from the assault. Yoshiki had put her knife to lots of use. Not only her knife, but some other random stuff which had been lying around her room as well. "But…. You need help…"

Tetsu smiled; it even hurt too much as to vaguely shake his head. Ah, he had never experienced such warmth in a long time. It might cost him the body which had been granted to him after so long, but he was willing to do it. With shaking hands he reached out for Hyde's, and clasped it tightly. Just one last time, Lord, grant me strength……. He prayed fervently. Let me heal Hyde, it's the least I can do…

Hyde did not know. If he had, he would have stopped Tetsu, as he spent all of his last strength, the glow enveloping his entire being. It was warm, so warm, he had never felt such kindness in his life, such unconditioned care.

"Please, Hyde……. Don't ask me to leave you alone this time…."

Then it faded away, leaving a void.

"……Tetsu….! Tetsu……" He cried.

***

The darkness soon faded, as he realized that he was back where he had began. Back in the Tree of Rest. There was spirits all around him, where they were sleeping.

"Tetsu."

He turned, seeing the black figure standing behind him. A really pretty face, with a cool presence. He didn't smile, neither was he wearing any expressions.

"……Where am I going?" He asked. He wanted to know. Somehow, he knew the rules of the afterlife… He had lost the body which had been given to him as an evidence of the promise between he and Hyde. Since he had failed to protect the promise, all the compensations which he had done for his sin would be banished, and he would have to serve for those centuries again….

There was a faint smile on the guy's face. He said nothing, but started walking away. Tetsu followed him. They emerged from the gigantic tree, surrounding them was a deep darkness. Tetsu had seen it before; he was scared. And then he thought of Hyde. Yoshiki was right, I can't even protect our promise… How could I protect Hyde?

"Master Teru," The boy called. "I brought Tetsu here."

"Thanks, Hisashi." A smooth voice replied. His hair was a dark brown, and so was his eyes. In those strict eyes, Tetsu could catch a hint of kindness, as he hugged the kid affectionately. Hisashi, like a proud cat unwilling to show its affection too much, allowed Teru to hold him for a moment, and did not hold him back. "Tetsu…"

Tetsu gulped. "…….."

"Spirit number three-four-five-six-two. Has been banished to Hell because of countless sins. Even though you could have went to Heaven afterwards, you chose to become a Christmas Spirit so that you could gain access to the human world. So far, you have only worked for two years as the Christmas Spirit, to have guarded the world all year round. But now you broke a promise, and the sin is great. Therefore, all your past endurance is considered as nothing."

His head was lowered, awaiting the verdict. Did he have to go through Hell once again? Or?

"If you can pass the test, you will be sent back to Earth to fulfill that promise. If not, that boy will be brainwashed and you will go back to Hell."

"……Why the special treatment?" Tetsu asked. Even though he was glad, he did not know what was the catch.

"Let's just say I want to give you a Christmas gift," Teru smiled softly, letting go of Hisashi. "That gem on your cheek is the bet of the day."

In other words, it was his memories which was the bet of the day. It was a sign that he had been through Hell and deserved to keep his humanity, that was why he had been able to keep his memories.

Then he nodded. Those memories were important to him, the past memory which helped him to survive the centuries of darkness and propelled him to live.

Hisashi stepped forward, as he handed Tetsu a crystal ball. "Look in there."

A image was forming in the color of the crystal ball, as Tetsu's eyes focused….

A happy family, while the mother was still alive. She had black hair, while the girl and the father were both blonde. The family was looking forward to the birth of the new baby.

"I want a boy," She said. "I've always wanted a boy……"

"And I want a kid brother too!" Yoshiki bounced, tugging at her father's hand. "I'm always so lonely …"

"Of course we will," Mrs Trevor smiled gently, fingering her gold curls.

~*~

"Hyde! Hyde!" The blonde boy was running towards the black-haired kid. He looked four years old, and the other was probably three years older.

"Hachirou!" The raven haired kid responded. "Look, I just learnt how to make a paper crane!"

"Wow!" The blonde was excited. Hyde laughed, as he taught Hachirou how to fold one. "See?"

"Hyde! How many times did I tell you not to play with that bastard?!" Yoshiki called.

"But…" Hyde was unwilling, as Yoshiki dragged him away.

"He's not a member of this family! Besides, his mother wasn't even married to his father when he had him! Don't play with him again, you hear?!" Hyde nodded meekly.

Hachirou could not understand why he was so alone. But despite what Yoshiki and Trevor said, Hyde continued to play with him. Their mother treated him like her own child…

Hyde and Hachirou were playing together. It was a normal summer day, as they went out to the pool in the middle of the forest. Hachirou fell into pool. He could not swim, as he went down and down. There was no one nearby. Unable to control his anxiety, Hyde jumped in and saved him. Then they went home. Hyde came down with a pneumonia and soon died afterwards. Following that, Mrs. Trevor died of grief, unable to take her son's death.

"You murderer!" Yoshiki's voice came floating in.

Unable to fathom everything which was so swiftly changing around him, Hachirou's memories were gone. He thought he was Hyde…He saw himself as a murderer, with blood on his hands. The question was not answered, as Yoshiki got used to Hachirou's phenomenon.

"No… Hyde can't be dead…… Mom……"

"………I am Hyde."

"He's just crazy, Dad!" Yoshiki told Trevor. Trevor, who hated him because of his son and wife's death, did not bother to bring him to a psychologist. So, he grew up, thinking that he was Hyde all along, while the memories of Hachirou remained void…

The images from the crystal ball cleared. Tetsu was more and more confused, as he remembered what Hyde had told him. "But… This is impossible!"

"The crystal ball does not lie," Hisashi said firmly.

"Hyde… Hyde knew he was adopted…"

"Distortion of memory." Hisashi lifted the crystal ball. More images were inside, as Tetsu saw in the sphere of time…

"You're not Hyde! My brother is not as ugly as you, you murderer!" She slapped him, and caught hold of his collar.

"I…If I'm not Hyde, who am I?" He cried. "I'm Hyde."

"You're just a bastard who came into my family because your parents were useless! Dig?!" Raw anger. She caught hold of his hair and slammed his head against the wall, causing him to black out.

"He… He's just a kid!" Tetsu could feel the pain and confusion, even as it was fading into the past. Now he realized how deep the scars had been inside Hyde's heart when he met him… No, Hachirou…? But, he had grown up as Hyde.

"In his mind, he was already as old as Hyde," Hisashi explained. "About seven. Hyde's not eighteen now, but fifteen."

Tetsu shook his head, his heart cracking. Hisashi gestured back to the crystal ball, there was some more.

Beating, scolding, he got used to it. His identity as Hyde had been strengthened throughout the years.

"Hachirou!" She yelled.

"I… I don't know who's Hachirou…." He cried pitifully. "I'm not Hachirou…"

"You ARE!!"

"Shut up, Yoshiki. If he says he is, let him be."

"But, Daddy!"

"We'll save the trouble."

"Fine, HYDE!"

He did not stop crying.

~*~

It was the second year of High school. He was in love with a person, his name was Sakura. They were in an all boys' school. He dared not tell him; he could only stand in a far side and watch him. He was afraid. He knew that he was not worthy of the other person, he was the one with scars all his life, scars which would only continue to increase as he grew older.

"What? Hyde? It could be fun," Sakura's smiled as he and his classmates squatted behind the bushes. "Let's fake it. If I manage to get 'C' by next week, you owe me twenty each. Deal?"

"Hah! Impossible. A guy like him most probably has a girlfriend somewhere."

"Nah! I know, that guy's been eyeing Sakura all along."

"'C' with him would be fun," Sakura smirked. "Even though I don't normally like guys, he looks so pretty and vulnerable…"

"So there you go!" They shoved him out of the bushes.

"Aaaah!!" Sakura landed with a thump. Hyde turned in shock, and blushed when he realized that it was his secret desire there. Seeing that Hyde was watching him, Sakura forced a grin, "Uh, hi, Hyde!"

Hyde did not respond. His voice was stuck in his throat, as he felt his emotions rise up against him. A smile appeared on his face without even his meaning to.

"….The weather is nice today."

"Yeah…"

"Can I sit down beside you?" Sakura was using the experiences he had with girls. Hyde nodded shyly. God, he really seemed so much like a girl himself! "I heard you're in the art club?"

"Because I can't do anything but draw," Hyde looked as if he was dreaming. His head was lowered.

"You'd make a great actor. You've got the looks for it…Um… Yeah."

"Thanks," Hyde blushed further.

"……Can I see your drawings someday?"

"Sure," Hyde replied without hesitation.

That day, he spent the whole day drawing. He wanted Sakura to see the best of him. He dared not bring it back home, because he was afraid that Yoshiki would find out about it and tear it up. The nicer his art were, the more Yoshiki loved to destroy them. So he went home late that night, and received a beating from Yoshiki while Trevor just stood there and watched.

The next day, he was almost too weak to go to school. But he made his way, because he was afraid of more beatings. Immediately after class, he went to the art room to retrieve the drawing, and went over to Sakura's class. Sakura was talking to his group of guys, obviously about Hyde, but every sound danced by his ears as he waited.

"Shh!! Hyde's here!"

"Oh, Hyde! Were you there all along?" Sakura placed an arm around Hyde's shoulder, crossing his finger and hoping that Hyde had not heard a word they were saying.

Hyde nodded happily, blushing redder than before. "I finished a new art piece."

"Really? Let me see? Wow, that's nice. Did you draw them, Hyde?" Hyde nodded at Sakura's sweet words. Normally no one took notice, even if they did, he didn't care. But, those words meant so much to him. "Can I be around when you draw them? Tomorrow?"

Hyde nodded.

"Where do you usually go? Your room?"

Hyde shook his head. "The Art room."

"Oh," Sakura seemed disappointed. His classmate passed him a note which read, 'Invite him!' "Would you like to come to my house, Hyde?"

"Huh?" Hyde could not believe his ears.

"I mean, I have some materials. You're really good at sketching. If only you can do a sketch of my cat?" Bullshit. He had no cat.

Hyde nodded.

"Can we go home together?" Honestly, Sakura was tired of doing all the talking. Hyde agreed again, and they walked most of the way together. The path along the forest was rather deserted, so Hyde and he sat down along the route to talk. On impulse, Hyde told him everything. By then, he was crying.

"Don't cry," Sakura said, hugging him close. It was the first time he had felt comfort. In Sakura's eyes were love, as he did it for the first time willingly. Sakura did not seem to mind his wounds, or his scars.

Sakura's friends were really shocked when they learnt that he and Hyde were together, not just for the bet. Sakura had even broken up with his girlfriends just for Hyde. But as time passed, Sakura seemed to lose interest in him.

"Go away," He said coldly, shoving Hyde to the ground. Hyde could not understand; he refused to give up hope. "You're no fun anymore. Your body has too many scars, I want clean ones. Not a dirty animal like you."

Sakura's friends laughed as they saw him fall onto the ground.

"Listen, if you appear in my sight once more, I'll beat you up!"

The words were ringing in his head as he made his way home. Once again, he was all alone… Yoshiki was beating him again; he could only cry helplessly as he called for Sakura's name. He refused to believe his memories. He went to look for Sakura again, and Sakura did beat him up badly this time, adding to the body and the heart new wounds. He could remember Sakura's sneering face as he let some of his friends do what they wanted. It was not the first time he had been raped, Yoshiki had taken the novelty. But, it hurt so much, to be betrayed…… Especially by someone whom he loved and trusted so much.

From then onwards, he was dead inside.

The images of the crystal ball faded. It was then that he realized that there was more to that façade in Hyde than he thought; that kid had went through more than what people his age should have. Much more. His heart felt as if it was tearing apart with the pain, as he could not help but cry.

He had never thought someone as normal as Hyde could have suffered so much. "Hyde… That's his real past…? Oh god…."

Hisashi nodded. "…… Now, do you understand your part?"

Hisashi's question only made him even more confused. Tetsu shook his head, wiping away his tears. He was angry at fate for hurting Hyde so much, but, Yoshiki was right… He couldn't do anything to erase the past.

"Looks like he's failed," Hisashi reported to Teru. Teru nodded.

"You're not fit to be a Christmas Spirit, after all."

"But… The promise…."

"Why do you think that both of you have met? It's not by coincidence, Tetsu. There's no such thing as coincidence," Teru told him matter-of-factly. "If you allow the wheels of fate to turn on the same route as it did in the past…. Bring him away, Hisashi."

"Yes, master Teru." Hisashi advanced toward Tetsu, and reached out for his hand. "Let's go."

"No…!" Tetsu cried. "I promised Hyde… To stay by his side always…"

"Just because you promised him doesn't mean that you will always be, Tetsu. The world is not like that." Teru paused. "I'll give you another chance, Tetsu. If you still haven't understood by the next day, well, too bad."

***

The body slowly faded away, as if it never existed. Hyde gasped in shock, as he tried to reach out to feel whether it was true, whether his eyes were seeing correctly. The bits of glass fell through his hands, some of them cutting him. The pain, it told him that it was reality.

"Tetsu….!" There was no getting him back, right then… He clenched his fists, clutching on to the glass pieces as if they were the only thing he had left—they were the only thing he had left…… Now that, now that Tetsu is gone…

The wind could not blow through the glass of the window, there was no snow in the heated house, but he felt so cold, as if he was caught in the middle of a blizzard…

"….Tetsu…." He cried, curling up like a incompetent baby, the pieces of glass now embedded in his hands. He cried and cried, till he was tired, then God took pity on him and gave him rest.

***

When Yoshiki saw Hyde crying like that, she knew she had succeeded. But, where had the blood gone? And how could Tetsu have gotten away when he couldn't even move the slightest bit? And Hyde… He was healed again, except for his small hands, which were clutching the pieces of shattered glass.

She couldn't understand… How had it happened? Whatever magic it was, Hyde didn't deserve it…. A feeling of jealousy rose up in her mind, but she refused to acknowledge it.

Why would I feel jealous? I have him worming in my grasp! She told herself, watching as Hyde's tears flowed down in his sleep.

"…..Tetsu…" Yoshiki heard him choke. When had she heard that voice before? It sounded so sad, if it was her own…. Ah, she remembered. It was similar to her voice when she was crying for her dead mother…. She hesitated, before unchaining his bounded wrists, and set him on her bed gently, careful not to wake him up.

I'll let the little creep sleep for another hour, no more! She turned, acknowledging the pain in her chest, not sure why she suddenly had the change of heart. His sleeping face, which seemed so pained, so troubled, made her uneasy as well, as she turned and left the room.

***

"……Where had I been wrong… What can my part be… Other than to fulfill my promise?" He asked himself. "Why do you think that both of you have met? It's not by coincidence, Tetsu. There's no such thing as coincidence. If you allow the wheels of fate to turn on the same route as it did in the past…." Teru's voice floated around in his head.

"…………Our meeting…?" Tetsu could not understand, or put two and two together. "Not to repeat the past…?"

He shook his head, staring at the white bare ceiling. As a Christmas Spirit, the only purpose is to fulfill the promise which he had made to Heaven. To bring happiness to the World, to people who was still alive and needed comfort. Each wish he granted was a promise between the person and he himself; once the promise was fulfilled, the person would forget everything and live on as if it had never happened. But, he did not understand…

"Hello." He turned his head. It was Hisashi standing at the doorway. Tetsu almost died from shock.

"What… Are you doing here?"

"……To help you," Hisashi replied with a small smile. "May I sit down?"

"Go ahead," Tetsu muttered. Hisashi sat down beside him on the bed, much to his discomfort. There was one or two chairs around. But, Tetsu did not dare to question Hisashi's doings.

"So… How's things going?" He could see Hisashi's cat-like smile.

"I… I'm fine," He sat up, trying to edge away from Hisashi.

"Are you sure?" Hisashi moved closer. Tetsu could see that he was trying not to laugh, and tried to move away again. Hisashi had managed to grab him, and pinned him down onto the bed. Now the atmosphere was suffocating.

"Yes…." Tetsu was trying to think of a way to get Hisashi away, as he tried to edge his way out of Hisashi's touch.

"You're lying," Hisashi's lips moved closer to his own. He gulped, his mind frantically searching for something.

But, the lips were so enticing…… Soon, he found Hisashi kissing him. The softness of his lips were sweet in a erotic way, and then his mind was blank. There was only Hisashi's presence in the entire room, he let his eyes slowly slide shut in pleasure. Hisashi allowed himself to smile; Tetsu was under his control. He had never seen anyone who looked so beautiful before.

His hands moved down, to unbutton Tetsu's black coat. He could feel Tetsu responding to his kiss, even. He wanted to laugh, but was afraid that he would spoil the whole thing. He knew that he was irresistible, as he pushed his hands under Tetsu's shirt. The skin underneath was soft and smooth; his longing to taste it had grown.

Tetsu's moan was a music to his ears. His hands traveled to Tetsu's pants, unzipping it, and pushed its way down, into it.

"Hyde… Ah, ah…" Hisashi was surprised, but did not stop. It was starting to be fun. He felt Tetsu trembling beneath him, as he tugged at the pants, pulling it down to reveal his hardness. Hisashi licked his lips. He knew that Teru knew what he was doing, and he dared not do it, no matter how much he wanted to taste it. It was not part of his job, after all. With a regretful sigh, his hands began to stroke it. Tetsu moaned again, his body tense, arching his hips in wanting more of the touch. Hisashi's movements increased. "Hyde… Ah, Hyde!"

Hisashi stopped, as the liquid came out, wetting his face and shirt. He smirked, congratulating himself about his 'prey', even though it was Hyde's name, not his own.

See? You care about him, not only because he's your responsibility… Hisashi could only smile at Tetsu's stupidity.

"…….Hisashi?" Tetsu opened his eyes slowly, his breaths ragged. Then, he gulped in comprehension at what he had done with the dark messenger. Or rather, allowed what the dark messenger to have done to him.

"I didn't do much with you, or Teru would be mad," Hisashi whispered. Tetsu shook his head; trying to wake himself up. "Do you see? Your relationship with Hyde. He's the only one whom you have in your heart."

"What has this got to do with Hyde?!" He retorted, pulling his pants back up hastily. If only there was a way to stop his heart from beating so fast…

"You were calling out Hyde's name," Hisashi told him, a predatory smile on his face. "Well, I only came here for some fun, not to help you. It's Teru's wish to help you, not mine."

"You…" Tetsu's voice got stuck in his throat. Hisashi got up, and turned to leave without once looking at him. He sat there for a moment, feeling so vulnerable, so regretful; wishing that it hadn't happened.

Me… And Hyde? No, it's impossible…

He started thinking clearly. He had not tried to think, ever since memories had began to hurt, but now, he recalled his past, trying to see something in route the wheels of time had passed by.

***

He knew he was not normal, ever since he was born. He saw strange ghosts everywhere he went; he assumed that they were ghosts. Some of them wanted to kill him; many of them brought sicknesses and trouble to those around him. He was too young, he could do nothing much to drive them away. And when he told the people around him; his parents and family, they did not believe him.

Until one day, he met with a fiery ghost. The ghost had black hair which seemed to stand up like a flame, as fire seemed to envelope his being.

"Go away! My parents say that you don't exist," He, who was still young then, shouted.

"Well, here I am, aren't I?" The ghost laughed.

"There's no such thing as ghosts…" He began sobbing. Not because he was scared, but because he felt all alone; everyone thought he was lying.

"Ghost? I'm not a ghost. I'm a demon," The fire demon told him, standing towering over him. It looked very interested, as he stared up at it, fearlessly. "And I can do anything to you."

"You can't because you're non-existent!" He cried some more.

It laughed, grabbing hold of him with such strength. It's not human, it was only then that he realized so. With a sadistic grin, it only shoved him to the floor, pinning him down tight. "You're the most beautiful human I've ever met, and the best way to enjoy someone so beautiful…."

Its evil laughter echoed into his mind. He started feeling scared, as he suddenly understood what it could have done to him. He began to cry, to shout for help, but no one came. And the fire demon burnt his clothes away, beating him painfully till he almost fainted. Then what happened, he did not understand. He was too young to understand. He only knew, it hurt so much, and it felt so shameful, he had never felt so violated before.

When he was found lying there, his parents locked him into the dungeon.

"You're not our child!"

They did not understand how much it hurt him to have been violated, then to have his family discriminate him like that. He suddenly wished that he was dead.

Then, it was the eighth day which he had not seen the light. He had grown pale, unhappy, and weak.

Under those circumstances, he met with a girl. She was the daughter of a powerful sorceress, and she had no smile on her face. When he first saw her, he grew more scared, even though she was beautiful. He sensed that she was just as unhappy as he was. The sorceress was supposedly there to look after him, but in the end she had left, leaving her daughter there to do her work for her, for the sake of the money.

He found out that the girl's name was Sire. Time went by, and she was the only person who was by his side everyday.

He learnt more about her. A sorceress was not supposed to be married, but her mother did. Things were okay, until her father left her and her mother. People started talking, and soon her mother treated her as the "cursed child". She was often left alone, until her mother could get rid of an excuse to get rid of her.

He felt sorry for her; even though he was no better. They were happy; his parents even allowed him to go out when she was by his side.

Then the fire demon appeared again. Seeing Sire, the demon was terribly displeased, as it threatened to eat Sire up. He could not bear to see Sire hurt at all.

The demon only wanted one thing. Under those circumstances, he had promised to become the demon's wife if it would let Sire go.

"Run!"

"But—"

"If you don't go now, I'll really eat you up." Dangerous threat. He shoved her out of the house, and hurriedly locked her out. Once again, the demon violated him.

And this time, he was all alone… There was no one to comfort him.

Somehow, he was pregnant with the demon's child. No one knew, no one really cared. His parents shunned him, and everyone wanted to kill him. Then Sire appeared again. It appeared that she had ran away from home, to come to fetch him.

His birth had been a mistake, just as others said Sire's was. On the route to escape, just so they could live together, he had killed many people. No one could hurt him, or Sire…. The power of the baby in his stomach was a protection to him, until it had to come out. Its form was spiritual, and it was born hungry.

"I'll eat my mother first," The child of the fire demon laughed, as it looked at him with a look which its father had. Like father, like son, perhaps. In the presence of Sire's crying form, he felt his body being pierced through by sharp teeth. "If I'm not hungry, I might let the stranger live."

"Anything…. As long as Sire is okay……."

Then he slept for a complete century, before he was presented for judgment.

"For killing so many people, he does not have the right to be reincarnated as human again. Send him to hell for a thousand and three hundred years."

Hell was a scary place; it was an eternal darkness where guilt haunted him. Few could survive, especially for so long as he did……

"I can't lose… I can't lose to fate… I have to live, to see Sire again…" He clutched on to his memories, no matter how much it hurt him.

***

It had been another time, in another part of the world.

What had been the mistake? His birth? He thought and thought, but could not figure out. He thought of Hyde, and Sire. Indeed, they were so similar—both of them had a sad past. Both of them were unhappy. And both of them cared for him. For so long, in his afterlife, where he had lived the void of darkness in hell and worked as a Christmas Spirit so that he could hold on to his memories in hope of reunion with Sire again, he had never experienced so much care. Hyde's heart was beautiful, it really was. So was Sire's…

……Unless, they're the same person…? Sire reincarnated as Hyde…?

The more he thought about it, the more he had felt that it was true.

The first time he saw Hyde…

The first time he had seen Hyde, there was no feeling of unfamiliarity. And Hyde's care was the same as Sire's… Unspoken, hidden under some manner. What would Hyde do without me? He asked himself, he could not bear the thought of Hyde who had been hurt so much being alone again.

No… I can't sin again… I… That was my mistake…… I regretted killing so many people, but……

He wanted to see Hyde's smiling face—Sire's smiling face—It made no difference. Up till now, he had never seen Hyde smile; he had only caused Hyde grief.

I can't allow the mistake to be repeated again…… Our reunion is to amend the path of the wheels of time, not to allow it go on……. I love Hyde. It was the same as he had loved Sire before.

He smiled…. He wasn't sure if he understood it, but he continued thinking. Yeah, it was weird how they allowed him who had sinned so much to be a Christmas Spirit. But if he hadn't been a Christmas Spirit, he would never have met with Hyde again.

Yeah, nothing is a coincidence…. He smiled to himself. He sighed, not sure what was it which he was supposed to understand, but right then he knew that he wanted to go back to Hyde…. It was no longer because of the promise, it was because Hyde needed him and he needed Hyde. And he believed, no matter what, that he could make Hyde happy, even if it was in the midst of a torturous hell, he could still bring Hyde paradise….

Like Hyde had brought him in his past life.

*** (note: "Sire" is pronounced in Japanese not English. --> technically "shi-rei"… Literally "purple beauty".)

"….I'm all alone," Hyde told himself, as he sat up. The silence, the loneliness was too much to bear for him, as he gazed around the dark room. God, anything but that silence…

His hands hurt.

He was trembling; it was cold, even in the heat of the house. "….Tetsu…"

He wanted to cry, but it hurt too much inside. He felt so dead, as if he had never existed, as he gazed at the broken glass on the floor, the bleak skies of the dusk outside…

He staggered towards his own room, propping himself up against the walls with his bloodied hands. It felt painful. He wanted to make it hurt more, if it could lessen the inner pain—he would rather die than live like this. Again. "……Hyde, don't hurt yourself…" Tetsu's voice floated into his mind, and then the past memories. Sakura's care, and his betrayal. His family's change.

And why not? Everyone's been hurting me all these while… A small smirk floated to his lips. Even if it was a dream, it was worth it. Because, it had made him realize that nothing mattered anymore. He was alone. My suffering wouldn't matter to the world.

He chuckled, as he wondered what Tetsu would say, as he opened the drawer. Not even bothering to see what he was taking, he put his clothes on, and headed for the door.

"Hyde, where do you think you're going?" She stood in front of him again. The dim light which floated into the house filled it with a dreamy presence, and he could vaguely imagine he and Yoshiki playing together while their mother knitted and their father read the newspapers.

He did not reply, and only looked back at Yoshiki with an unfathomable expression.

So, that was the memory which kept him alive. But, what was the use of memories? The love and happiness of the family had faded away like Tetsu did; it made him realize so much.

"Answer me, you bastard!" She slapped him. It didn't hurt, because the pain was nothing compared to losing the past to the present.

"I miss you, Yoshiki…." He mumbled, wrapping his arms around Yoshiki's small waist.

"What do you think you're d—" Her voice faltered, as Hyde let go. A familiar feeling rose up in her chest. Ah, it was the same feeling of losing someone precious, she could feel it deeply as Hyde turned and walked out of the house.

Finally, he had figured it out. The past was nothing in the face of the present. Ah, it would be so much easier if he died earlier. "Goodbye."

She only stood there in shock, her heart pounding in a newly discovered feeling of grief and guilt merged into one.

*** I love beauty, these are such inspirations…

It was cold outside. Once again, it was rapidly getting dark. It was the same as that night; the moon was coming out above the trees, and he was walking along the river again.

This time, there was no pain. Just the emptiness.

I want to die.

He told himself, staring up at the foreign skies. Ah, everything was so calm, so bleak, so empty. This time, he was finally doing something which he had completely wanted to do.

He plunged in, feeling the icy waters engulf him. It was so cold, so lonely. It felt like home.

***

The bridge between Heaven and Earth had no night or day, but time had unmistakably passed by. He was not sure where he was heading; he did not want to stay in the room anymore.

"Looking for me?"

Tetsu turned. It was Teru. He nodded, his heart was determined, though a tiny bit scared. "I don't know what you wanted me to understand."

"Then you understand that your memories will belong to me from now on." Teru smirked, stroking Hisashi, who was curled up on his lap.

"No. I want my memories. They're important to me, because they make me what I am…." Tetsu looked straight into Teru's eyes. "I need to go back to Earth."

"And why?" He couldn't tell if Teru was playing with him.

"Because Hyde is the most important thing right now… He re-lighted the fire in my soul," Tetsu bit his lip, his heart racing in a plea. Because my love for him has lasted through so long… Because……. "And I need him. He needs me, and I need him too. I will not repeat the sins of the past…… I want him to be happy."

Teru smiled like a satisfied cat owner, as he pointed to the left door. "Then go there. Your future is waiting for you."

Hisashi woke up, and winked at him, making him blush. Even though, he was grateful……. He didn't say a word, there was no word to express his gratitude anyway. His hand turned the doorknob gently to reveal a piece of darkness, behind the door. He reached out for the darkness, and realized that it was the night sky which he was going into.

Then he was above the same forest which they had met. Above, the moon was round and covered with clouds, below, the winds were harsh and cold. Yet, all these seemed so warm, so beautiful, as he flew down. In his mind was only Hyde, as he flew on. His eyes were searching for the blonde kid.

I hope he's fine…

It was almost as if they were pressing the replay button of a movie; maybe it was, as the wheel of fate continued on its way.

There was a splash below, and he saw the blonde kid plunge into the river. Without a second thought, he cast a spell, and lifted him up from the river, as he had done before…

The strength of the feeling was overwhelming.

He hurriedly descended. The weak body, drenched in the coldness of the water, his pale face, illuminated in the soft moonlight as the clouds floated by in the black sky…. Everything…….

He hugged the cold lifeless body tightly.

"I… I love you, Hyde…… Sire……" Please come back, let us meet again….

***

It was dark. And it was so alone, the void was vast that it scared him more than ever. This is hell, a small voice in his mind told him. Hell was like the life which he had been living. Only, it was for eternity.

He did not know if he wanted to step forward; it didn't matter anymore. Why are you feeling so empty? You're not alone, unlike us……. The cries of the souls suffering in that void were so loud, it was so scary. God.

Help…. Help….

Help………

Help us………………..

The cries sounded over and over. He wanted to turn back, but behind was the same void as well. It was like that all around him.

Then he was looking at his own life again. Once again, he saw himself, and a raven-haired kid playing together. He saw Yoshiki's cold face, his mother's warm smile… He smiled at that. He couldn't remember who the other kid was already. But right then he suspected that he had been deceiving himself all along, he suspected that all his memories were fake.

Because later Yoshiki was blaming him for the death of his mother and brother. He couldn't remember who the other boy was, and when he tried, his head hurt.

"You're not Hyde, you're Hachirou!" Only that phrase seemed so fake yet rang a sound of truth in his head.

Then the first time which he truly experienced love ever since his mother died. He remembered those dark handsome features, the way Sakura used to hold him protectively and tell him that he was not alone. And what had happened? Betrayal… Sakura had changed as everything had.

Once again, he lapsed into the emptiness of living; he no longer felt as if he had a soul. Nothing mattered. Until…

Until that redhead came into his life. Even though that redhead had not been around for so long, he had managed to see through all the layers of hurt and self-protection and managed to wake his heart up and make him feel again.

"I won't hurt you, Hyde, I'm here…"

"Please, Hyde……. Don't ask me to leave you alone this time…."

He had realized so much… It was a different love for Tetsu. Tetsu was the only one who cared so much for him when he was only a stranger, the only one who would offer such unconditional care. His love was as wide as the sky; he felt so happy in it, so free……

I've been lying to myself too much……. I know who Hachirou or Hyde is…… All these years have been a void.

Until Tetsu showed up. Now, he didn't care about his identity anymore... He heard someone calling him at the back of his head, and he looked up. There was nothing above his head, except a small light. A small light which resembled Tetsu's beautiful eyes, which spoke of hurt, care and love.

Right then, nothing else mattered. Nothing else, because he was not alone.

He smiled, as he reached out for that light.

***

Reality felt like a dream. He woke up to the faint smell of roses, and a feeling of warmth seeping into his body. He opened his eyes weakly. It was dark in the night, and the snow was cold. His vision adjusted, as he saw beautiful red hair falling onto a flat chest.

It felt so comfortable, to be in that embrace.

"Hey, you're awake," He heard a hoarse voice choke. A drop of water fell onto his cheek, as he looked up into Tetsu's crying face. "Are you okay….?"

Hyde nodded gently, his own tears blurring his vision. "I….I'm fine."

"Make a wish, Hyde……"

"……I'm not a kid anymore," He smiled, hugging him tightly. "But…. Please, don't leave me again, Tetsu……"

"…I won't. ……I love you. No matter who you are…."

His happy voice was stuck in his throat, God, the feeling was so strong. All those years of emptiness had been worth it, if it was just for their reunion….

"I love you too," Hyde's voice came out in a soft whisper.

Their reunion was not for repeating their past mistakes. Even though the wheels of time could not be stopped, they would be able to change its path… As long as they were not alone.

***

Winter was coming. She could tell from the way the skies were clouding up, and the way the trees were growing barren. It always felt so desolate at that time of the year, even though it was supposedly a special time of the year for giving and sharing.

"Hitomi! Don't go out too far out into the forest, do you hear?" She turned and nodded, wishing her mother would not make such a fuss.

"Do you want us to go with you?"

She nodded again. She did not want to feel too lonely in that kind of atmosphere.

"Let's go, dear."

"Un," She could hear her mother's soft voice, as she clutched on to her father's hands tightly. She felt so much safer now, her father was so big and strong. In the presence of both of their gentle care, she would never feel alone.

Then, she let go of the both of them. The first snow had started to fall onto the barren ground, in small flakes. It was so beautiful; as the wind blew against her hair, and the coldness of the snow fell onto her small face. Even though it still felt so… sad.

Then, she turned away from them. Her parents were talking; she could hear their voices. She didn't really care about their attention anyway, as she wandered farther off.

She didn't go too far, before she met up with somebody. It was a young couple walking hand in hand. One of them had beautiful long red hair which was tied up in a ponytail, and there was a strange jewel under one of his eyes, making him seem as if he was crying. And his face was so white, it looked scary in his black attire. But he was so beautiful; the eyes were so warm, especially when he gazed into the face of his lover. And the shorter one, a boy with the face of the girl, too, was dressed in black. Both of them looked so happy together; she could not help but watch them as they walked by.

"Oh, hey, there's a little kid," The shorter guy said in a deep voice which did not seem like it had came from him.

Both of them walked towards her.

"What are you doing out here alone?" The redhead asked as he squatted down to speak to her face to face, his expression one of concern.

"I'm walking about," She answered. "I'm here on a walk with my parents."

"It's a beautiful day for a walk."

"But, isn't it too cold for you?" The redhead asked again.

She shook her head. "No….. But, I've always wondered…"

"Un?"

"Why aren't there any flowers during this time of the year?" More snowflakes fell from the sky.

Both of them smiled. "Because they couldn't thrive on. But, someday, if you look carefully, you might find the flower in the winter…."

"See? Just look…" The blonde pointed to a distance.

She turned. At that exact moment, something caught her eye. It was a small flower which she had never seen before. The redhead went forward to pick up the flower, and tucked it behind her ear.

"For you."

They walked away.

The beauty of the winter was no longer sad, as she hurried back to her parents.

"Wow, Hitomi. Where did you find that flower, in this… This…." Her mother asked.

"Two big brothers gave it to me."

"What did I tell you about talking to strangers, Hitomi?" Her father said strictly, carrying her up in his arms.

She didn't answer, as she took the flower from her hair and looked down into it. It was a white flower, tinted red in the middle.

"Who gave it to you?" Her mother asked.

"Two big brothers," She replied without hesitance. "One of them had long red hair, and the other has light blonde hair. The red hair brother…… He had a tear-jewel on his cheek. They're very beautiful people…"

"……Tetsu… and Hyde?" She could hear her mother utter in shock.

"Hyde?"

"……My brother… My adopted brother."

"I knew a person by that name when I was in high school, too… I did something regretful to him."

She could hear her mother sigh. "….Me too………. ah well, The past is gone… I hope they're happy."

"………Yeah…"

"……Come on, Hitomi. Let's go for tea."

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Saturday, December 18, 1999 11:01:44 PM

Author's notes: Okay, I planned more for this fic… So…. ~_~ I hope it's okay. If you don't understand anything, feel free to ask me, I've got a headache about it too… ^^; It's supposed to be a Christmas fic, but it isn't that "Christmassy". And maybe this is too much details for this kind of fic…

Please email me your comments. I would love to hear comments, no matter good or bad, onegai?

http://xz0ne.cjb.net
voidmatsumoto@yahoo.co.uk