Mechanical Animals

Monday, November 13, 2000 10:22:34 PM (+9:00GMT)
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I love this song. And, much as some of you don't like Manson, I love what he has to say, even if most of the time I don't have the money to buy any magazines. (any donations will be accepted with gratefulness^^;) And thanx to the friend who lent me the CD… And this fic is dedicated to Jara even if it has no Shuse x Koji pairing. ^^; and is spurred on by Tsurara's fanfic contest… anyway I owe a Lacryma fic.^^;

Anyway, to those who don't visit my BBS (do go though, I always post up stuff which I really like there, including books and comics which I read…), I have an announcement to make. This will probably be one of my last fics. I will try to finish up the half-written ones. Don't give me comments just because I am deciding to not write, you peeps. Bribes are accepted even though I know none of you like it enough; you never liked it enough to give comments anyway. *giggles*

*sigh* Writing just isn't like it was nowadays. Don't bluff me anymore. I'm unable to give people what they want, and I know it.

Warnings: *cough* the usual not belonging to me, is AU, don't sue me, is unacceptable to certain people, etc. Also, the timeline is really out of reality… I forgot when Kurenai is released… But I told you it's AU.^^; *ducks* Oh… and it's mostly hectero.^^; (you'll find out why…)
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Do you believe in angels?

Once upon a time, I think, I would have believed in angels. I imagined them in pure, white, long flowing robes, which seem to shine. But that was once upon a time, and I don't believe in angels now.

Or maybe I do, maybe it's just that I don't see them as angels anymore. Because, angels are supposed to be good, and all perfect. Yet a look at this world, this dank gray world, I have a feeling that they aren't good. I mean, when you see this world filled with fucked up idiots… And angels are supposed to guard this world.

Either that, or God wants to destroy us.

When 1999 was approaching, I believed that the world would end.

Year 2000 approaches, and I feel nothing. Except that we, on this earth, are going on the path of destruction, slowly but surely towards our own deaths.

Global warming, violent crimes, corruption, problems between the Middle East governments, you name it, we've got it. The only catastrophe which hasn't happened is, I suppose, this world exploding in hot fumes, although I suppose it's going to come soon.

Do you think that year 2000 will be our last year?

I don't know, and neither do I feel anything towards it. There's nothing but a sense of neutrality; it is probably better that we die sooner. This earth, with its inhabitants; even if God doesn't give up on us, we will drive ourselves towards the cliff's edge.

I'm no better, of course.

What I do is go along with the tide, because there's nothing that I can do about it; or so I tell myself. Sometimes things are felt so much, but you're waiting for a savior, waiting and waiting but no one ever has the guts to stand out and speak. Yet it's heart-felt, these feelings, these feelings which seem to consume us as we try to butt our heads into world affairs while neglecting the corrupted within the nation. We're always looking for something to save us from ourselves, but never finding it, so we just blame it on something which is there at the wrong time and the wrong place.

It's not whether we deserve it or not… It's just because we are pathetic. Pathetic human beings, that's what we are.

SPCA is the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

We should have SPCFH—Society for Prevention of Cruelty From Humans. Who else? From us. If there is anyone to bring to courts, it's us…

Besides, humane societies are just trying to give focuses, by helping more humans who kill this earth. If they are really so kind and all, why doesn't the director spend all his money to help them? And if they are so kind and all, it would make sense to save the money from commercializing and just shove the damn amount into helping? Wouldn't that be more practical than letting a bunch of wasted idiots look, snort, and turn away?

…I never claimed to be humane, mind you, because I'm one of them. One of those humans, among the crowds….

Oh, yes, I never did. I don't want to be one of them hypocrites, fucking bastards who gain by helping others. Sure, non-profit. I believe them.

Angels are probably like these humane societies.

I don't trust them, anyway, I never even see their advertisements flashing from the sky, as strewn pamphlets, or any of the sort.

If they exist, in the first place…
 
 

Sometimes the streets make me depressed.

The flood of humans remind me of the tide of time, which never stop flowing. Although I met them in the streets, in the crowd. I think I can say that they're the only ones whom I need, because they are the only ones whom I have.

Shuse, Levin… Koji.

We play in a small band, using Koji's father's garage. The man owned a ten-year old car, all rusty and falling apart, until one day it had a small accident which killed the trunk of the tree. Thankfully, it had been so old that there was no power within the car engines, and Koji's father only suffered a slight cut and some bruises. Then, the car was scraped for junk, they decided that they didn't have use for a new one; besides, they had no cash, so Koji got hold of the garage. He practically moved into it. Half the reason, I suppose, is that his sister was into bubble gum crap and had a new stereo.

For the instruments, all of us took up part time jobs to help cater for the cost of everything; mikes, guitars, amps, and of course a drum set. We were lacking of one member, although it was decided that I was the vocal, which made the four of us self-sufficient.

It seems so unlikely sometimes, the four of us, and our dog (which was adopted by the band and christened Taka). That we are walking together. Those 'trendy' Americans in big hair and jeans so loose that it hangs around their ugly yellow underwear like to giggle at us as we walk by, me the 'puke, graver!', especially. They drool at Koji, though. Taka always growls meaningfully at them, and these cowards will usually shut up.

I hate to admit it, but the dog is practically my best friend.

Yes, it was in the streets that I met Taka as well.

Koji and I were going to the garage together; the band had finished jamming and we were about to laze by snacking and watching live tapes. (Shuse's father runs a restaurant, so whenever we can, we try to journey down and get the food. Taka especially seems to like it. Shuse hates it, probably because he's always eating it.) Shuse said that there was going to be a big surprise for all of us, and wanted to celebrate. Koji volunteered, and Levin made me go with him to scare away the girls who will try to bug him.

Anyway, it was an empty street which we were walking along. It was pretty hot even for summer then, and we were just walking back to the garage, with our hands full of rice, noodles and whatnot. I stopped when I heard a slight, animal-like whimper, so I ventured towards the direction of it.

It was red in color, and had strange greenish-gray eyes which seemed to pierce into me. Right beside this little mutt was a sort of a talisman which seemed to have come out of RPG games. It looked weird, and thoughtlessly I had picked it up and stuffed it into my pocket. The puppy looked at me meaningfully, and whined, seemingly upon smelling the chow we had in the plastic bags.

Koji had said something, and what I did was pick it up, to take it back to the garage. Levin and Shuse stared at it wide-eyed, and asked where we were going to keep it. I volunteered my home, and we tic-tac-toed upon which syllable to name it, and "Tami" came up. We decided that it was a male, and picked for the second time. "Ka" came up. So "Taka" it was.

When we finally settled down with Taka with our food, Koji asked Shuse what was his announcement, and Levin grinned from ear to ear. It seemed like Shuse had told Levin beforehand; we were going to play in a gig. A gig where quite a few good bands played, with sponsors and pay, and whatnot. He had met with Koji's uncle while he was here, and he had asked him if there was anywhere we could play back home.

I hadn't expected it, actually. In this country, we aren't going to get anywhere because no one wanted to hear stuff they didn't understand. We hardly go to clubs and whatnot anyway, simply because we have our own things to do and expect no interesting people to meet. We just want a laid-back account, really.

Somehow, it turned out that we were to play in this pub in a nearby location (I can't get by without a map, really. I don't remember where things are outside of the route which we usually pass by, because I don't explore much) instead of back home. The price of the air tickets were too much, and anyway they couldn't be so sure that we'd sell well. It kind of put us all in a bad mood, though, but our parents said that there was no reason to go back yet, and they were too busy in their own scope of world. That uncle of Koji's brought us there, while I remembered how I met Taka on the way, and the next thing we knew as that we were sitting at the backstage, where Shuse paced nervously up and down, Levin having stopped bouncing for once, and even the somewhat happy Koji was sipping coffee nervously. I had butterflies in my stomach, but soon, it passed. It was time for us to go, and we went. We were there to blow them all out. At least that was what I was thinking as I step onto the stage.

We plug our guitars in; most people aren't paying attention anyway. A small group looks at us with skeptical views; we are such a strange combination. I feel like a sore thumb among this 'group of healthy, normal, cute Japanese'.

We start with the guitar rhythm, and I begin to sing. Levin's drums follows, and so does the bass…. Before I know it, we are engrossed deeply in the music, quite forgetting the people in front, the people who are looking at us with shining eyes. They seem like ornaments; as we play, there is nothing but us, the music, and the cheers which bridge our music closer to us.

It seems like magic, but the time fades soon enough. We haven't played for long either; the pub was only trying us out. This group of girls and girlish men have lined up at the backstage already. When we reach there, it's filled with smoke.

It isn't like none of us smoke; but I never really wanted to rely on cigarettes, so I don't. Shuse starts on his immediately, and as I pack up, I study the other band via the corner of my eye. They don't seem particularly happy that we are playing. One of them—a really really pretty girl—she stared at me with expressionless eyes, before they leave.

Shuse says he wanted to stay and watch them perform, but Levin wants to go home. Koji and I are neutral, but decide if any one of us are to stay, we will stay together. It seems Shuse is somehow determined, so we follow him and order some drinks. We linger at the table, while Levin sips happily on his cocktail, and Koji's eyes stay stuck to the stage. Shuse has this entranced look on him; I know it has to do with the vocalist of that band.

The vocalist is the pretty girl whom I've seen earlier; her eyes are large, double-lidded, and her hair is long, black and shiny. She looks like she came out of some hair or skin commercial. I can't help but fall in love with her voice, as well, and her stage presence.

It is all so… captivating.

I try to pay attention to the rest; there is a guitarist who looked like some strange addict, and the drummer has a design of a flower henna-ed on his face. The bassist is really good; Shuse marvels at it with shining eyes. But it doesn't take long for him to be drawn back to that vocalist again.

It seems… As if people are actually enjoying her.

So much, more than they would, for our music.

Their music is one thing. Her voice is another. Her looks… She looks like an angel, a fairy, a demon—anything surreal enough, anything which could have been too beautiful to exist. People look at her with some sort of expression which seems similar; I think it's those kind where a young chap would look at a goddess, although I do see some of… That kind.

Throughout the music, which is dark and melodious, she sways, looks up, and gazes at me, before glancing away.

Shuse happens to be sitting right beside me, so he waves, with a big friendly grin on his face. I can tell he likes her. Levin grins along with Shuse, and waves, too. She smiles at them, and turns away. Koji excuses himself for some moments; I think he's disappointed that she hadn't even glanced at him once. Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe I have been too… sensitive?

I feel inclined to leave with him, so I do so. He stands by the asphalt, looking depressed.

I don't ask him what's wrong. He tells me that he wants to go back, but we end up back inside the pub anyway. Shuse is just about losing himself in the vast beauty of that girl—I don't particularly care right then—and Levin is somewhat drunk. His cheeks are pink, and he orders another dose, which the waitress gives to him. Koji tries to remind him of the bills, but Levin insists on it, so we let him be.

It's over pretty soon, even for them. They don't have to play for long. By now the pub is full; we hear lots of cheering and crazy sounds from seats behind us. They love them, her, anything.

Shuse seems dejected that they aren't going to come to the front, and I say that they probably left by the back. It seems to make more sense. We hurry towards the back exit, and true enough, their bassist is standing by the door. He looks like he had been resting, but immediately he gets weary when we approach.

We let silence reign for a moment before he speaks. "Aren't you the band which played before us?"

"Yep," I say. Levin is half-drunk, Koji isn't the type to speak up for us, and Shuse, who will normally take up the role, is in a love-daze. "We are."

"What's your name?"

"Lacryma Christi," I reply. He raises an eyebrow, but says nothing. The street lights are dim, so dim that they make this smaller form seem ghostly. His skin isn't so fair; he wears white makeup, and it is too apparent because of the different shades of his neck and his face. People usually say that it looks scary, but I don't care.

"Nice to meet you," He says simply. "Have you heard of us?"

"Kind of," I admit. "I don't remember your name though, if you'll pardon us—"

"We're L'Arc~en~Ciel," He doesn't smile. Instead, he says it so coldly and impartially we would have thought he was angry. But there isn't any sign of that, either. "I'm Tetsu, the leader. I play the bass as well."

"You were good," Shuse speaks up, somewhat admiringly.

"Thank you." He turns, as the door opens.

"Who are you talking to, Tetchan?" It was the girl. She smiles at the Tetsu warmly, and somewhat hovers around him. She is really pretty, like a long-lost ghost now.

"They're Lacryma Christi," Tetsu tells her, wrapping his arms around her protectively. She smiles, and brushes him off. As if he's accustomed to her gestures, he lets her go, and nods towards us. "She's Hyde."

"I'm Hyde," Her speaking voice is lovely, too. "The fans are waiting for you back there, Tetchan. I humored them for awhile."

Tetsu nods once again, with his simple gestures, and then looks at her in the eye seriously. "Come back before three a.m."

"I will," Hyde whispers, her eyelids lowered, as she reaches up to kiss him on the cheek. They aren't of much height difference; the girl is frail, but that guy seems even frailer. It has something to do with their body frames.

Tetsu opens the door. We can see the previous guitarist flirting with an American backstage, and the drummer stands there propped against the wall, smoking. He disappears into the smoke-filled room, and when the door closes, it is so silent. Hyde scrutinizes us, and smiles at me.

"Introduce yourselves?" She asks.

"He's Shuse," I frown when I realize that this guy has totally zoned out. He doesn't usually act like this when we are together. Not in front of pretty girls, either. He usually is bold. "He's Levin, and he's Koji." Levin grins cheerfully, looking zoned out too, and Koji nods in silence.

"What about you?" She seems amused that I have forgotten about myself.

I blush slightly, although I am sure that it doesn't show on my face. "I'm Hiro."

"Hiro… Nice name." She steps down the stairs, until she stands in front of me. She really isn't much taller than I am, but she wears those black platforms, making her having about one or two cm of height difference with me. "Where are you people going later?"

"We have no plans," I tell her. I have an idea of what Shuse wants, but that is all I know. Koji doesn't tell me, and I don't ask. She smiles, her eyebrows furrowed, and stares at me quizzically.

"No?… .Can I come along?"

"With the bunch of us?" I must have sounded amazed.

She laughs, stepping closer to me. Her breath smells of mint cigarettes, and her body of sweat which isn't repulsive; in fact, fragrant. Her small hand wraps around my hair, as if it is a dog's chain to her, "With you… Actually."

"… Me?"

Shuse immediately seems crushed, and Levin starts to sing "Time has come". I try to get a look of Koji's expression, but he doesn't seem to care.

"Well?" She smiles at them. She must be so charming, for Shuse immediately pulls Levin and Koji away. I am left alone by the three of them, and I stand right beside to the most beautiful person on earth. I don't think much of them, either, as I feel her breaths against my neck, her hair against my exposed collarbones, her lips on mine.

It feels like a spell has been cast on me. I can't hold her, because she is too lovely, and I can't refrain, because she is too entrancing. I stand there, like a stone statue, and she only laughs, as she pulls me along with her, telling me to walk her home.

I have no idea how I am going to go home, but under these circumstances, there is no way I can resist her request. She talks to me gently on the way, like how a master would to a dog, and I find myself listening with affirmative that I am listening.

She asks me if I like to go anywhere, and the only place I can think of is the forest, where I haven't really explored but once, back when I was a kid. I remember returning home with scratched knees from falling down and brambles, but the thing which attracted me to the forest was the simple fact that it was beautiful, and dark.

As we stand by her door, she asks me, with those large eyes of hers, whether I will go to the forest with her one day.

I say I will.

She asks, right now.

I say yes.

With that radiant smile of hers, she shakes her head regretfully, and tells me that she had promised Tetchan that she'd return by three a.m.

Then she disappears through the door.

I hear voices from within the house; it seems like the two of them are living together…

I have no idea what they are doing. Maybe they are siblings, that is what I think, as I stand there.

If angels exist, surely she has to be the one…
 
 

I think I ended up trying to find my way home, and I found it by incidence. Like I said, I don't really know my way around, except for our usual route. Somehow it happens that her house is near the usual route which I go by. It really isn't far from where I live, and that night, even with Taka there, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't help but think of her face, and the softness of those lips. I think I woke up to Taka's soulful whimpers.

I think I'm a gone case.

The pub doesn't ask us specifically to play after that night, but Koji's uncle arranges it so that we have to go on every Friday and Saturday night. I hear that L'Arc~en~Ciel plays every night, there, but I'm sure that even if I want to, I can't. Anyway I have too much school work.

However, instead of being able to actually do them, I find my mind wandering off to her, the stage, the dimly lit alley… I wonder if I'm in love; I haven't been in such a stupor before. Even Taka seems to be quieter than usual, as he lies by my feet, occasionally looking up with bright eyes. I toss him some crackers, and he chews on them happily.

I love that dog.

Instead of writing that stupid English essay, I end up tossing crackers and patting Taka on the head. We play around a little. He seems to enjoy himself, but at the same time he looks like he wants me to share whatever I'm thinking with him.

The crackers finish pretty soon, and I sit on the bed, reading my copy of Neverwhere. In that story, there was an Angel Islington. I've read it once, I think. Gaiman's descriptions of Islington is too beautiful… Perhaps as beautiful as Hyde. I can't take my mind off her. I imagine compassion shining in her eyes, but I know it isn't so in real life. I can't imagine her walking in heaven singing some stupid praise song.

But I can imagine her in heaven, smiling up at the throne, holding a sword. I think I can imagine her ripping off the wings of other angels as well, and I can imagine her face, dyed with blood, looking as beautiful as ever. It's those kind of beauty where you would destroy everything for her, I think.

Taka climbs onto my feet, and stays there like a blanket. I put the book down, and smile at him. I hardly smile; hardly anyone is worth smiling at.

"You know, I believe in angels." I tell him, as his large eyes penetrate into my soul. "Angels are such beautiful things…"

Maybe my vision of angels are distorted. Somehow, I never believed that angels save the world.

I feel so lonely, as I fall asleep, with Taka at the foot of my bed. I think I'm at a loss of what to do.

I think I love her…

I think, maybe, I'm even starting to need her. She's such a beautiful person. I can't imagine myself holding her close to me as I sleep, I can't imagine that she'd touch me, even for a slight moment. That night seems like only a fragment of my dream, so hazy and faded.
 
 

I go there the next day. If I don't wait for her, I really don't know what I would do. I miss her so much. I copy my work from Koji anyway, so I'm safe for the time being. Safe from those crazy bulldogs in school.

Taka seems confused as to why I leave for that night when it was a weekday (he has a very good sense of time), but I kiss him on the forehead and give him a small handful of crackers. My mom nags something about healthy dogs, and not going out so late at night. She's a traditional Japanese, fetching my dad's slippers and listening to every word he says. I tell her to not tell my father, as I slip out. I don't know if she will; I don't really care. They don't approve of my dressing and makeup most of the time anyway, and they got used to it. Besides, I'm already eighteen. I'm legal.

My dad isn't home. He's back in Japan, so he can't kill me for sneaking out as yet. I don't want to deal with him, either… Over such things. I'm not failing class anyway.

It's dark when I leave, and I reach the pub somehow, alone. I want to ask Koji to come along, or Levin, but I choose not to. I don't know why. Somehow, I know that I'm alone on this. Besides, it'd be unfair to have them come when it's my business.

I find a seat in a corner, order a couple of drinks, and watch them play. There's less people, probably because it's the weekdays, but I feel sure that I recognize a few faces. They're probably as crazy as I am, I think.

Hyde is still as great, as lovely. I watch her, finally being in the place I want to be, just there, to see her.

She doesn't notice me.

I'll have to go to the back again, later. The thought scares me, because this time, I'll be so alone…

Without the rest of Lacryma, it's like being without my outer shell. Even when we're not making music, even when we're doing something else. I even wish that I have Taka with me.

But somehow, I manage to sneak to the back exit, and I wait there. Tetsu appears a few minutes later. He doesn't look surprised to see me, and neither does he look annoyed. It's just so impartial.

"Are you looking for Hyde?" He asks, his voice deep and pleasant. "She's inside right now."

"...Really." I wait some more, and after a while he smiles at me. It seems like a kind smile, kind and friendly. It doesn't suit his makeup; it makes him look like some dark fairy waiting to be picked up and tossed into a colorful flower. I pick up the courage, and ask casually, "Why aren't you inside?"

"I don't smoke," He replies, and laughs. "I'm the only one."

"I don't either," I tell him.

"Good, isn't it?" He looks back at the door, pausing for a moment. "She's coming out soon."

I want to ask him about his relationship with her, but it just doesn't seem appropriate to intrude on them, so I don't. I find myself staring at the staircase. He doesn't say anything anymore, either. I think he's beautiful, like her. It seems like they can both be angels, or demons at the same time.

Except that she's… Enchanting.

When she finally appears, she does the same thing as she did before. She kisses Tetsu on the lips, gently, and hovers around him a little. He doesn't try to hold her this time. It seems like a mutual understanding between the two of them, which I have no idea of.

"Hiro, you're here," She says, almost cheerfully.

"…Yes." I murmur. I must sound really awkward.

"Tetchan, can I invite him tonight?" She asks the taller man—boy—and he nods. "Thank you." Turning to me, she looks at me innocently, and asks sheepishly, "That is… If you want to come over?"

"I have nothing else to do," I say. She smiles, satisfied, and gestures for me to come up. I walk up the stairs, and stand beside her.

"Wait here," She says, and she pulls Tetsu with her.

I nod. Once again, I'm left alone, but my heart is beating in a rhythm I don't even know of. It seems like a dream, when I realize that she's inviting me to her house. Her house. We barely know each other…. It makes me blush somewhat, when images worm their way into my mind. No… It's impossible. I can't… I can't possibly….

She's so holy, so divine.

She's nothing like I am…

But moments later she appears, with Tetsu, who carries a bass and a backpack. They're followed by the guitarist and the flower-henna guy.

"…This is Ken, and this is Sakura." Hyde introduces us, and they acknowledge me quietly.

Ken smiles brightly at me, even though she looks tired, and Sakura simply nods. They're a weird combination, even weirder than Lacryma Christi. Ken isn't really pretty, but she looks like a… slut. She doesn't really act like that, not with her band mates, not with me, so I have nothing to say to that. Sakura seems like the quiet type, speaking only when he feels like it, to Ken and Hyde. Tetsu seems kind of aloof to him. He only talks when Hyde or Ken speaks to him. I wonder how can he be the leader, but I suppose weird things happen all around the world.

Hyde kind of ignores me on the way, but I just want to watch her… She flits over to me when it grows quiet, and then flits back to them. At the end of some junctions down the road, near her house, Ken and Sakura leave after waving goodbye. Perhaps they live together.

And, with them gone, Hyde talks to Tetsu, who replies with an even tone. She walks beside him, too.

They really don't seem like siblings, I reflect.

Tetsu's beautiful; he suits her anyway.

We arrive at the house, once again. Tetsu opens the door, and Hyde steps in. I follow her, hoping that I don't walk too stiffly. Seeing that she doesn't take off her shoes until she reaches the ledge, I follow suit, and Tetsu closes the door behind us.

It is much more normal than I expect. The walls are white, with a framed painting above the shoe rack. The painting looks like that of a goddess, a bluish goddess. It looks so beautiful, as if that potrayed character will come alive or something. To the right is the living room, the left a wooden staircase. Everything seems kind of bland, but the lighting makes the atmosphere somewhat different.

Hyde leads me into the living room, and I sit on the couch, feeling most uncomfortable. Tetsu sits down beside me, looking friendly, and Hyde disappears into the back of the house. She emerges with a tray of glasses filled with reddish liquid.

I don't know what to say, so I keep silent, and Tetsu stares at the wall above the television. Hyde gives him a glass, carefully, as if she is used to serving him. Then, she hands me one, in almost the same manner as she handed Tetsu his. I can't take my eyes off her.

Tetsu sips it quietly, while I look into the glass awkwardly. They talk some more, and Tetsu places the glass on the table, before disappearing upstairs with Hyde. For a moment I'm afraid that they're going to leave me all alone, but some music blasts from upstairs, and Hyde appears once more, looking as beautiful as ever.

"Feeling fine?" She asks, and frowns slightly when she sees that I hardly touched my glass. "Finish the wine, Hiro."

I nod, and swallow it tentatively, without tasting it. She smiles, perhaps at the fact that I've been obedient, and sits down right beside me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. She's really one head shorter than I am, if we want precision, but her lips presses against mine easily, and I let her seduce me.

I love her so much. It doesn't seem right that I should be touched by her, even.

The beads resting against her chest seem to be glittering, as she removes her jacket, and holds out her hand.

"Want to come upstairs?" She asks.

"…Yes," I reply stupidly, and I take that offered hand. It's so soft, so gentle…. It's like a touch from heaven.

The music continues to sound, and gets louder and louder as we approach the second floor. There are three doors, two of which are closed. Music blasts through one of them, and we enter the one which has its door open.

As soon as we're in, Hyde shuts it. The music sounds so vaguely familiar, and I can hear it even through the closed doors. I just can't place my finger on what.

"……Are you scared, Hiro?" She says, tilting her head slightly as she studies me attentively.

I shake my head, blushing once more.

"Do you feel fine?"

I nod. It feels kind of warm… Comfortably so.

She smiles at having heard that, and gently presses herself closer to me, leading me to lie on the bed. My hair must have looked like a mess; I can feel it spreading out underneath the two of us. She kisses me, and her hands travel towards my leather shirt, lifting it up carefully.

I can tell what she wants…

I love her so much… What can I give her?

I don't know. There's nothing I can give her; myself is not worthy enough.

She laughs at my expression. "Is this your first time?"

I nod shyly. I don't know what else can I say; I have never done it before…. I blush further at the thought.

She seems to read my mind, as she gently tugs the shirt over my head. I really don't know how does she feel to see me like this, so dirty and ugly, not worth seeing at all. Yet her lips curl upwards, and she kisses me, gently, so gently…

I believe in angels, in goddesses…

I don't move, for fear that if I do, I'd spoil everything.

She seems to understand that, as she uncovers more of me, as I lie there, wishing that I could cover up myself….

She's so holy, she's divine… What am I…?!

But still, like the goddess she is, she accepts me. Her lips encircle me, bringing me close to heaven, to an aching pain of happiness. I lie there, all the while suffering in her sweet torture, letting her lead me… Closer, and falling back, closer… I feel like I'm almost ready to faint anytime, but I don't. If that's what I can give her…

If I can suffer for her…

I think, I can almost reach heaven.

She decides to end it, leaving me lying there tiredly. Her pretty lips are covered with some thick liquid, and I know what it is. It makes me feel even more inferior to think that if she accepts me….

I can never make it up to her.

She laughs, and asks if I want to stay there with her, and be hers.

"If you want…"

"Forever?" She questions.

"Forever." If there's anything I can do… I'll sacrifice everything.

She covers me with a white blanket, and she leaves me there, alone in the room. The door is closed, but for a moment the music gets louder, before it softens again, as if the other door has been opened and shut.

It strikes me, as I lie there, naked, alone, blessed, as I fell asleep, that the song is by Marilyn Manson, and it's from one of his album, Mechanical Animals.

………Anything to belong…

Rock is deader than dead, shock is all in your head…Your sex and your dope, is all in your head, so fuck all your protests and put them to bed……………..build a new god to medicate and to ape……….

………. …………
 
 

When I wake up, I feel strangely comfortable wrapped in the sheets, with the sunlight peeking through the blinds at the window. Even the headache which resides at my head feels so in place… But then, a realization dawns on me that it's morning, and it's late in the morning…. Eight? Nine?

"Oh, no," I murmur, as I try to get up, to find that I'm naked.

Immediately, I take hold of the blankets, and fumble for my clothes, only to realize that the door is open and that Hyde stands at the doorway, looking cheerful.

"Good morning, Hiro," She says, a smile on her face. "What are you looking for?"

"School…." It's like something I'm used to doing. "I'm late for school."

"School?" She laughs, casually. "You're not going to school. You said you'd stay, remember?"

My eyes widen.

"Don't worry about it. That thing rots your mind anyway." She presses her hand against my shoulder, so that I sit back down onto the bed. "You're going to stay, aren't you?"

"…Un…" There's no way I can deny it. I'll never leave her. I'm never going to leave her, unless she wants me to.

"Good," She pulls the blanket away from my grip, and holds my hand. "Take a bath, then have breakfast."

"But…" My parents will kill me, I think, My dad especially, but I comply. I let her lead me into the bathroom, which is built on the other side of the second-floor corridor, opposite the three rooms. It seems kind of big; a Jacuzzi, a small space for shower, a folding door, a toilet bowl, a full-sized mirror beside the basin, and the basin.

I find myself inside by my own; Hyde disappears as soon as she appears, and hands me my clothes just about when I'm done. I rinse myself, wipe myself clean, and put them on. I don't know how am I going to ever untangle my hair again, but I think I can ask Hyde…

I really don't want her to see me like this…

So I end up using another twenty minutes running my fingers through my hair, trying to straighten it at least. I don't hear a voice of complaint; I know Hyde doesn't mind. Still…

Somehow, I manage to convince myself that it doesn't look too bad, and that I can't do it any better, I finally make my way out of the bathroom. Hyde is nowhere to be seen.

I enter the room where I slept earlier, my heart beating faster in my chest. She's there.

"I knew you'd look nice with these clothes," She beams, and adds, "And you look much better without makeup…. …Do you need a brush?"

I nod, feeling pathetic.

She hands it to me, and watches as I comb through my hair, but it doesn’t seem to matter to her. When I finally am satisfied, even though I still think I look horrible, she takes the brush away from my hands, and puts it on the table.

"Do you want me to put any music on? We don't have speakers downstairs, and Tetchan'd freak if we bring the food up here," She tells me. "He does things in system, that crazy guy."

"System?"

"Yeah." Her eyes glimmer as she looks up at me. "But… He's a very nice person."

"Ano… You people like Manson?" I really don't know what else I'd say. It seems that life is so dry. If it's without music, it's so much drier…. I don't want our conversations to be dry… At all.

"Manson? I love him," She grins up at me. "He has brains, he has the guts, and he leads."

"Really…. My guitarist's sister asked if Manson was gay when I asked her who was his wife." I find myself opening up. It seems like we have something in common….

"Oh! That's typical." Hyde shakes her head, as she uncovers a plate on the counter. "I had a classmate tell me that he's a freak and he's a gay, and whatnot." She laughs. "And he's anti-christ, so he's demonic."

"Yeah," I say, amazed that she actually goes through the same thing as I do.

"You know," She whispers, as she looks at me in the eye, suddenly seeming quieter, "It's astounding how this world is full of retards."

"…..Un…"

"They judge before they see it." Her brows furrow, as her large eyes seem to penetrate me with some sadness. It makes me wish I can comfort her, but I can't possibly… "I hate that. I wish they'd disappear."

"…Me too."

"I wonder how many years, centuries it'll take for them to realize that Manson is just a fucking stage act, and that this world is not just black and white. Being politically correct isn't all this world is about. Neither is being a good religious Christian, or being a person who wears disgusting loose jeans just to be cool." She heaves a sigh, and finally shrugs. "Butter, or honey?"

"Honey," I look down at the thing she's preparing. It's a plate of pancakes…I haven't had those in a long time. I like honey… I try to imagine calling her honey, but she looks like she'd be angry if I even tried. Besides, it sounds stupid, and degrading. I would call her…

…There's nothing suitable enough.. There's nothing suitable enough to match her beauty.

Words are so trivial…. Just like me, just like the rest of the world, compared to Hyde.
 
 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm blessed, or cursed.

Before I meet Hyde, that is… And after I meet Hyde.

If I lose Hyde… What will happen to me?

No… I can't think that…. I can't, I can't…. She's my goddess, I love her so much….. Please, Hyde, don't leave me… Ever…..

But she really deserves much better than I…

Tetsu, for instance…

Why does she even look at me?
 
 

Sometimes, somehow, I wonder if I'm dreaming.

My thoughts usually consist of that, when she takes me into her mouth… Again, and again… It is the way we do it, something mutual I suppose, something that only belongs to us. It is sacred, maybe because Hyde is involved.

Every time, I can't imagine if she leaves me…

Days just pass by… I talk to Hyde, more and more.

She seems to be thinking on the same level as I am, perhaps even better. She knows so much more than I do, she seems to have experienced so much more than I did, too. I start to love it; I start to love the routine. Sometimes she'll leave me alone, in the afternoon, and I'll go crazy from the loneliness.

I love her, I love her so much…..

I don't even need Lacryma anymore. I wish Taka's here, but only sometimes. The only person I need right now is Hyde, and will always be Hyde… So it feels this way.

Morning starts when I wake up at eleven. I still feel slightly awkward about waking up naked, but I get used to it. She doesn't see me as the lowly being I am, which is such a blessing…

Then, she feeds me, and we talk a little, then she leaves for a little trip downtown. She makes me stay indoors, which I do. I don't know why she wants me to, but I don't want to go out if I can be with her forever.

Then late afternoon comes, and she returns. Once more, I don't feel lonely anymore, and she'll talk to me, and I'll help her do some chores.

Evening dawns, and Tetsu returns, looking tired. She ignores me a little, and goes around to him, feeds the two of us, and then the two of them go out to the pub. They return together at two a.m., while I try to stay up and watch TV, or something. She comes back, makes me wine, takes a bath, and we have sex.

It's routine.

You see… I get so tired when I do routine. School, bathing, eating even… These things seem to bear a greater purpose, and that's why I do it. But sometimes it's so taxing, and the purpose is nowhere in sight… I feel like I'm wasting my time and energy. Sometimes I feel so tired I wish I can just die…

Lacryma helps to relieve that while it lasts.

Taka helps to relieve that while I'm with it.

But we're not together, not in school, so I'm very lonely at that time.

……I really don't like society…

With Hyde, this time, it's different. There's no purpose, except to let things be her way… With her, I don't have to go out, I don't have to face society. It's like, both of us are in our own heaven… Routine doesn't matter anymore because it's something which enhances our little heaven.

This world of ours…

I don't want to ruin it. It seems like all that I can ever want, all that I ever will wish for, all that I live for.

Hyde is the reason this world exists.

When routine fails?

I don't know…
 
 

Her lips seem so red, as she opens it, and tells me, she's bored with something.

I wait for her to continue, because, for her, even if it's the routine of our world, I'm willing to spawn it.

"I'm bored with… Just this." She smiles. "I'm tired of serving you."

"Serving… me…?" I question. …So it's that way she feels?

"No… I gladly do it… Nee, Hiro?" She pauses, her gentle fingertips trailing up to cup my cheeks… She usually never has contact with me in this way. We're getting… more intimate? "Aren't you sick of being hurt without purpose?…Society. School. People. Individuals. Family…"

I nod. It's the truth… I nod. I'm sick of it… I always wish, and pray that it'll end, but they never end. I don't like to feel awkward among Lacryma, but they make me, they make me….! They make me feel inferior just because I am different.

…I am……if I am compared to Hyde, but not to them…

"…..Do you want it with a purpose? Won't it be so much lovelier?" She looks into my eyes, her small, light form on top of me. Her eyelashes brushes down against her cheek as she blinks once, and then blinks again, like it's a part of the procedure that we speak.

"Yes… It will." With Hyde, everything is a purpose in itself.

She seems satisfied that I understand, and helps me up. "Do you think… Blood is beautiful?"

I wait. I do not fully understand… "Yes, I do."

"…Good.. Because I only like to see blood, not bruises, not broken bones… Just blood. They're the sign of pain feeding on your soul, because your life seeps out of you… Isn't it?" She murmurs, as she turns. I see her leave the room, opening the door into Tetsu's room, and I see her emerge seconds later.

The usual music. She's even dressed the same way as she did when I first met her… That demonically enticing black gauze….

I don't deserve to see her, not at all.

When her dress falls off her shoulder, exposing that frail, thin, pale frame, I always wonder what it would be like if I were to see her like she saw me.

Just like it is now…. As she enters this room again, holding something in her hand.

But you see, perhaps the exposure is only complimented by that black cloth surrounding her. Even though, sometimes, I wonder what it is like to be inside of her, to be intertwined with her… I don't know, really.

Even if I wonder, even if she wants to, I will never let her. This is the only thing I can deny her, because I know I can't do it… She's my goddess, she can't pollute herself with me. Not in that intimate way.

She holds it out to let me see it, like it is some sort of trophy… I swallow as I catch the colored glint it makes in the dim light of the lava lamp.

"…..It's going to hurt, but you'll be okay," She coos against my ear.

I don't care if it'll hurt.

…..As long as she draws a line for me, a line which I'll be led along.

That knife cuts gently into my arm, as she holds it, and I look into her face all the while. There's a stinging sensation, until it gets deeper, until I feel like I'm being sacrificed. But I look into her face, studying her expression, her calm bliss, as if just seeing the redness, she's satisfied…

Is she?

I don't think it registers in my mind that it hurts anymore than it should.

There's so much blood. I don't know if I can actually withstand it.

But she smiles, and I'm filled.

Then she takes me in her mouth again, just like what we usually do.

And then, she ends the reverie, by giving me a glass of that wine which she always makes me drink beforehand. Then she leaves, to go into Tetsu's room, and I don't see her until I wake up in the morning—it's understanding on my part.
 
 

I awake to the pain and the sunlight.

The pain is there, and it hits me really hard. I don't know why I didn't feel it the night before as she cuts deep into me, but I feel it with a vengeance now. It feels like I'm a walking sore, as if my entire body is going to break the skin when I try to move.

So I don't.

Lying there, my eyes open wide, and for a moment I wish Hyde is here with me…

Where can she be?!

She'd usually be waiting for me…

I squint through the sunlight; it seems earlier than usual. I might as well get up… Maybe she'll be happy. Maybe I can help her with something.

Ignoring the pain, I put my feet onto the floor, and look for the something which I usually wrap myself in. It's there, like every time, and I put on the bathrobe. Even the normally comfortable bathrobe irritates the wounds, but I'm starting to feel alive, as if there's a reason for existing.

I mean… It's what the pain brings me.

Maybe it's just what Hyde wants; if she wants it, I will enjoy it…

But that's not really true.

It's something like… Air. Normally, you won't feel the air around you, until you cut yourself, and your wound is stung by the air… Then you realize, oh, it's there. I'm here.

Existence is such a strange thing, isn't it?

The door to Tetsu's room is still closed, as usual. I wonder what it's like inside; I've never really been there. I turn towards the other room, where it only consists of two tables and two chairs, for some strange reason. No one is in there; I expect to see no one anyway.

Towards the bathroom, but a glance reveal no one as well.

Then, downstairs, I deduce. I see the clock in the living room; it seems even earlier than I expected it to be. It's seven. It doesn't seem very likely why I will wake up so early, if not for the fact that it hurts… That woke me up. I still feel somewhat tired. No wonder.

There's no one in the kitchen, and I even take a peep from behind the curtains to see the garden, but she's nowhere around. Maybe she's gone to buy groceries or something….

Anyway, I really should be sleeping.

Dragging myself back upstairs, I wonder if I'm actually crazy. I wonder about this sometimes, when I think about things, but it only seems like, I know I'm sane. If I know I'm sane, then I must be sane…?

Does it work that way?

I had a good laugh when I wrote "who is to say insanity is not the ultimate enlightenment?" in my journal. My teacher read it, and said I had…uhm, some interesting views.

But really… If I were insane, would I know?

Heck, people take me as insane… I really don't see the difference.

Sane or not… It doesn't matter. As long as Hyde is there.

As I walk towards my room, I take a glance at the door to Tetsu's room. Maybe she's inside… Who knows? I grasp the handle, and turn, tilting my head slightly in, so as not to make any noise and disturb her.

She is inside, alright.

I see her, lain down beside the other form… Her arms wrap around the other body tightly, like she's worried about losing something precious. No… It's something like a goddess holding her glass ball… Something like that.

Or maybe Death holding his scythe.

It's like, the two of them are so heavenly, something which I'd never know of, something which I'd never have a place in.

And it fills me, like the bodily pain, as I smile when I look at them.

The blanket covers up to her chest, but it falls down when she moves, revealing her shapely contours. Her hair falls over Tetsu's, and merges amongst his, like blood amongst water. Her eyelids are still shut, so comfortably, as she holds him tighter. Tetsu, in turn, wraps one arm around her, cuddling her closer into his embrace, and I think I hear a sigh.

I don't know why. Isn't it supposed to pain me?

I love Hyde so much.

I love her even more, right then… She's so beautiful, her being complimented by the other equally beautiful man beside her.

I like feeling like this, like the low being that I am, compared to them… It brings me inexplicable joy.

Just like the wounds…

I wonder why she keeps me like this, though. Maybe, she'll keep me there and kick me off some time later. I really hope that time will come later, but if that's the way it must be… Then I will do it. I love her. So much….

……I'll ruin my own life for her.
 
 

I think I must have stood there for quite some time, because the alarm clock rings, and Hyde wakes up, to fumble around for the clock. Her hair falls down, resting on her shoulders lovingly like a fountain. About seconds later, Tetsu's eyes open and he wraps both his arms around her, pulling her into his embrace.

I don't move, because I can't. Something must be holding me into place.

Hyde laughs, and she hugs him back. He drops a kiss on her lips, and she accepts it so willingly.

Two perfect people, looking so beautiful in the sunlight…

"Hiro?!" Hyde's eyes rest on me, but she doesn't seem angry. Just mildly surprised. Tetsu's eyes are on me, too, and he remains expressionless. It seems like they love each other; it's not something that I would have ever asked for, and it's their own world which I can't really intrude on.

"I came to see if you're here," I say dumbly. "I woke early."

She nods, pursing her lips. "Go away."

I obey, shutting the door as I step away from it. I don't know what I should do, so I go back into the room, and lie down. It's starting to get comfortable now, the wounds I mean. Some of them have finished clotting, the minor scratches that is, but the others still hurt. I don't like it when they clot; it's like trapping something within me that wants to be let out so much… Again…

It feels fine; I almost doze off, when Hyde appears in the room. She's holding a glass of wine in her hands. She must have bathed, because she smells fragrant, and she's dressed in a black shirt with long sleeves, and a long, flowing skirt; Tetsu wears that too, but he dresses more elegantly. Hers are simple, but simplicity compliments her.

"Hiro?" Her voice is soft, as it floats into my ear. I open my eyes, and look up at her, waiting for her to say something. Maybe she'll tell me not to peep. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I tell her. I'm not sure if she's asking about my wounds, or about my seeing them, and I take it to be both. I'm fine, either way. "…Either way."

She sighs. "Does it hurt?"

I nod. It does.

"Have a glass of wine before you bathe, okay?" She hands it to me, and I drink it accordingly. "There, it won't hurt so much now."

I nod again, and hand it back to her. She holds out her hand, which I take, and leads me towards the bathroom. Tetsu is walking down the stairs the moment I step out of the room, and disappears into the kitchen.

That form is really beautiful, in its own way. Hyde seems to notice my distraction, and she asks again, "Are you okay…?"

"Yes," I say.

"Aren't you hurt?" Her eyes grow wide, and disbelieving.

How am I supposed to convey it to her? I thought it was obvious; I thought she knew. But I shrug. Then I think for a moment, before telling her, "I'm nowhere."

I want to tell her I love her, also, but I don't think words can express it properly, so I don't. If I could, I would have told her how beautiful she is…

But it's redundant, because she's just there, you see. I can't describe it, when my description is flawed.

Her lips draw into a grim line, as she kisses me on the lips, and pushes me gently into the bathroom. I want to ask her how she actually feels, what she actually expects me to be, to feel, but I don't.

Maybe I could ask her someday. Or later in the afternoon.

Or maybe it's better to not ask, because she might—even though the possibility is small—never understand.

I bathe, almost mechanically, and I emerge from the bathroom feeling strange; the wounds hadn't hurt the slightest bit. It was getting hot, though. She isn't there, I presume she's in the kitchen with Tetsu, and I'm right from the looks of it. There she sits, at the counter, in front of the taller man. His hair isn't sprayed up like it had been when he plays in gigs; actually, I haven't really had a chance to see him like this.

Wearing a normal, black shirt, and a blue tie. He looks good, almost normal.

His hair falls in layers, framing his delicate face, and I recognize the way Hyde gazes at him.

It reminds me of the way I gaze at Hyde, actually.

I almost am rendered motionless again just watching them both, but Hyde notices me, and gestures for me to come down. I do so, and sit down beside the two of them. Hyde pushes a plate of pancakes towards me. It's really a usual thing, pancakes, waffles, ham, eggs and bacon. I kind of miss the food my Mom prepares, but the things can never compare because this is inside of my world with Hyde.

The morning is actually very quiet, because none of us say anything. It isn't like how Hyde talks while I listen. It kind of reminds me of a chapel; I've been there once when my just-converted aunt took me there. We were all silent, singing when we were supposed to sing, reading when we were supposed to be reading. I paid attention to the priest even though I had no idea what he was talking about, and I think I almost fell asleep.

Tetsu's voice is like that of the priest, and Hyde is like the worship song. I am the silence, the listener.

Taking it in a less poetic way, Tetsu's voice is actually quite quiet. It seems that they don't play the music aloud in the morning.

Last night, they were blasting Manson again… Of course I remember that. They change most of the time, but the songs they listen to are either dark, or have the same anesthesia effect as Mechanical Animals. They have pretty good taste, I reflect.

And I wonder how many hours Tetsu practices a day for his bass.

I don't touch my guitar anymore, now, ever since I came here… It feels like an itch, when I listen to music, but it doesn't really matter.

Actually, I loved playing music, because… Well, you probably wouldn't understand. …I can't do anything if I don't play music. It's like confirming my existence. I'm just here, for no reason. I'm not even sure if I'm here.

But, when I play music, it's like… I'm just there. I'm just there, but I know I'm there.

Like the purpose the pain gives me, just like that is.

Maybe they're just quieter because I'm there….? They really shouldn't care, because I'm not worthy enough to disrupt their world…

Maybe it's been like that all along for them. Like I know.

I can see that Tetsu holds Hyde, just as Hyde holds Tetsu… They don't break away because I'm there, still. It's like a reflex action that they're holding each other. Hyde ushers Tetsu out of the house, and she comes back in.

She smiles at me, still, but I can see the smile is different from her smile towards Tetsu's.

"I want to watch your live again…" I finally tell her. It's not something I dream of telling, or asking, normally. I don't know if I want to see the world again. If I see the world… Hyde might be gone. It's like a dream that I live in, that I love, where there's no one but us… I don’t want to get out of this world.

Her eyes flicker. "Do you want to?"

I nod, with more enthusiasm than I've intended. Whatever brought me to say that was unknown, but… Heck, I don't know. I can still remember how she sings when she clings close to Tetsu, even as the two of them are making their music… It's just their world, even if it is their band, their stage.

I mean, I won't dream of pulling Hyde onto stage with Lacryma Christi. Or Taka, for that matter.

"But…. You can't," She tells me, with a somewhat determined look in her eyes.

I am rendered silent; if she doesn't want me to, then I won't.

Still, I want to remember how I remembered them to be like, I mean, L'Arc~en~Ciel and their music. Her as the vocalist I knew she was…. They all blend so well together, Tetsu, Hyde, and their band.

…..Suddenly, I think I know why I will never pull Hyde onto stage with Lacryma Christi.

Lacryma Christi isn't an inferior world, it's different from me. It's wondrous… It's where I can belong to, with Shuse and Levin and Koji and even Taka.

But, Hyde…

We have a separate world.

Maybe Tetsu and Hyde, their world is already merged too deeply with L'Arc~en~Ciel.

If…. If Hyde and I own a world that is linked with Lacryma Christi, how will it be?

No… I can't fantasize too much about it. Just looking at her, her pure face, her beautiful body which almost shines…. I know, I can't even hope.

"…I'm sorry," She apologizes.

"You don't have to say anything," I tell her. Why does she even feel sorry about what she is doing? It is our world; she's leading it. Why?!

"But…." Hyde looks up at me, seeming earnest, "I'll tell you more about L'Arc~en~Ciel if there's anything else."

I nod again. "If you want to…."
 
 

Tonight, it seems to be something different. We had an otherwise normal day; I kind of slept it away because I woke up earlier than expected, so I'm even more awake now.

"I'm not cutting you tonight," She tells me. I feel a tinge of regret, and I wait to see what she wants. "You should rest."

And she turns, to leave.

I'm surprised; it seems like she isn't going to come back.

I think I let out a frightened mewl, but it didn't sound like it came from me; it sounded more like a frightened alley cat.

She turns back to me, her eyebrows raised, as if she too heard something she hadn't expected. "I'm just leaving you tonight……."

I throw the blanket off, and sit up to face her. Not accusingly, because I can never look at her like that. I think… I'm somewhat frightened.

It seems like the time for her to throw me away has come….

And I'm scared, more than I'm supposed to be… I really shouldn't because I'm nothing but a whore, a servant, a…. I don't know. But…..

I whimper again, and I look up at her pleadingly.

"…Are you all right?" She seems almost cautious, as she steps towards me. Are you all right, are you all right, that phrase seems to have echoed all day long. "…I just thought you should rest, you probably can't take it."

"I can… I can," I murmur. "….Don't leave me alone……."

"I'm not leaving you alone, Hiro…" She finally sighs, and kneels onto the bed beside me, draping her gentle hand on my head, sifting her fingers through my hair.

"Then cut me, hurt me…" Anything…. My eyes feel like they're burning; am I crying? "Please, Hyde…?"

"Do you want me to?" She asks, so gently, like she was the Mother or something. I shake my head vigorously.

"Why are you asking me?! Why?!! I don't…. Please just……" I break down. Her hands travel downwards to my face, and wipes at my tears.

She looks at me thoughtfully, for a while, and smiles. "….I'm not asking you then, I'm leaving."

My eyes widen when her fingertips leave from contact, and I try to grab her hands, only to restrain myself.

What… Have I done…..?!

She doesn't even look back, as she disappears into the other room. I crawl futilely in that direction, but it seems like the bed is my barrier.

The door opens. "Tetchan." Her voice is so sweet, as she calls that worthy name, as it floats through the sounding music, which is clearer now. Sometimes we walk like we were shot through our heads, my love…… ..We write our song in space like we're already dead and gone….. .Your world was killing me, your world was killing me…. Disassociative…. The door closes…

She is gone, to where she is supposed to be.

And I'm in my hellhole… Why have I even yelled at her?! She was being kind….. She was the nice angel she was… .why did I take it for granted?! Why am I so selfish?!!! She wasn't about to throw me in the dumps, but I made her…

That music muffles, but I can still hear it.

I can never get out of here… I don't wanna just float in fear…. A dead astronaut in space………….

I'm such an undeserving asshole…

The nervous system's down… The nervous system's down…

I know….
 
 

I hardly slept. I cried, and stayed up. The music continued to play, and then it changed, and then it stopped altogether.

I wonder, if it hadn't stopped, would I have realized its presence?

Anyway Hyde isn't coming back. I feel so empty, but it's not because of anything else—it's just because of Hyde's absence, and my stupid gestures.

My eyes must be so red.

My wounds seem to be healing; I don't notice them until I find out that they itch. Then again, it was supposed to hurt. It was supposed to hurt a hell lot before… Why didn't it? And the even deeper wounds… They're starting to hurt only now. I don't really understand why.

…It must be just my mental state.

Hyde still isn't here. I want to go and look at them again, to see how perfect they are, to make myself know how selfish I'd been when I demanded for her to have no consideration for me…

Such a person like me really don't deserve any empathy.

To make things worse, it's starting to be cold, too. The blanket doesn't really help…

I can't stay still any longer. Maybe, I'm addicted to the scene that only they generate… And knowing that I can never be a part of that world, I yearn to glimpse it….

I really don't know what I'm doing. I must be so confused. Hyde…. I just yearn for a glimpse at her, too. When I know I can't have her touch, even though she could have given it to me with her will, knowing that I've driven her away like that….. I can't let myself leave.

As carefully as possible, I press my ear against the door, to catch any sound of activity happening.

"Tetsu…. Tetsu…." I hear some muffled gasps.

Of course, what am I expecting? He's inside of her. He isn't her whore.

I wish I can see that scene… And I know that if I want to, I can. If I'll open the door… they don't seem to have locked it anyway.

My fingers clasp, and my wrist gets ready to turn… Still, it isn't budging, any more, as soon as I set my mind to it…

Instead, I end up faltering, again.

When I finally open the door to a single crack, an eternity has already passed, and I don't hear any more noises. I only see, in the dim light of that room, as Hyde presses her head close to Tetsu's chest, as Tetsu holds her tightly, and kisses her with all his soul……

Before he lays her down, reaches for a robe, pulls it on, and sits by the small table where the stereo is. He puts on his glasses—it's the first time I see him wear glasses, and somehow, it seems weird—and he switches on a lamp, which makes that area brighter. He glances at the sleeping figure on the bed, once, and he starts humming a tune…

Before he clicks something else on the table, hums it again, and then he clicks it again once he's done, and then he clicks it again after pondering some more……

He's writing a song…..?

After a while, he switches off the light, gets up, walks towards the bed, and lies down beside Hyde.

I can see his face, but he doesn't seem to realize my presence at all. I see him whisper something into Hyde's ear, but I'm not sure what…… And somehow, he seems so sad, as if….. As if Hyde isn't his, as if Hyde is the most desired thing in the world and she still isn't his….

Hyde doesn't move; she must have fallen asleep.

I think he was saying, "Please stop it… Hyde…."

I'm not sure.

But…… What would I know? If Hyde is up to something….?

Strange.

I let myself stand there as I watch Tetsu rest down beside Hyde, and wrap his arm around her. It seems like instinct, as Hyde shivers a little, and holds him back, snuggling into his chest.

I imagine, that embrace must be so much warmer than the blanket which I have……

I shut the door, and I return to my room, my confined bed.

It's such a tiny space. There really isn't much else.

And…. For once, instead of telling myself how pathetic I am, I actually realize it….

And as silence engulfs me, as that vast loneliness engulfs me, I cuddle up into a fetal ball and cry.
 
 

By the time I woke up, I was shaking. I cried myself to sleep, I think, because when I wake up again, it's two in the afternoon. But I feel so tired, it seems like I need to sleep some more, so I carry on sleeping. Hyde approached me earlier, asking if I was all right.

I said no.

She asked if I hurt, and if I was sick. Anything a nurse would have asked, really. But I tell her I'm fine, physically. I'm just tired. So she gives me my usual wine, and leaves me alone.

I really don't want her to leave.

But it doesn't seem like it's inside of my ability anymore to make her stay, so I don't try.

Just yesterday, I would have told myself that I wasn't worthy to ask. But, I think, I realized that, it isn't that I'm not worthy to ask. It's just that… I'm not worthy to expect.

Asking without expecting, expecting without asking, this seems impossible.

So I don't ask, I don't expect. I'm in my righteous place, fair's fair.

By the time I wake up again, I feel perfect. I feel functional. I even seem to have forgotten how pathetic I felt; all I know is that this is our own world.

Still, she says one thing which I don't really expect to hear from her, when we're in the middle of dinner.

"You're going to see our live tonight," She tells me.

I almost drop my steak, and wonder about the sudden change… I want to ask, but I know better than to expect any answer, so I don't. "…Oh," In silent acknowledgment. Then, "…What am I supposed to wear when I go there? How…?"

"We'll meet at the backstage like the usual. But this time, you can just go through the front…. I'll give you a pass." She explains, rather patiently. "You can borrow Tetchan's clothes. Or mine. Neither of us will mind."

I nod. I don't mind their fashion sense, anyway. But….

"…We're going to go back home. Back to Japan, and we'll release a single there," Hyde grins at me; her face seems to glow with that smile of hers.

"…..Home…?" I murmur, stunned by the thought. I'm going to be stranded here… She's going to go back home. I can't go back home, especially not after I've discarded my life just to be with her….

What can I do!?

I don't think…I can bear the thought of my world being without her…. I can't live without her anymore…!

"You can come with us, Hiro," She smiles. "I can have it arranged."

"Come with you…?" My heart seems to be free of that leaden weight suddenly. I can… I can still be with her…. Even if she goes back home? Even if so? ….I… "Really….?"

"Un," she nods.

"……." I think, I almost cry… My tears are here, they're burning deep into my eyes.

If she sees my tears, what will she say?

God, I'm such a frigging human.

She seems understanding towards me, and only calms me with her smile, until Tetsu returns. For the first time, I'm awake, and I actually see how tired he is. Whatever he is doing for a living, it looks taxing, and I think I actually pity him. He looks like he's ready to break down, but still he smiles, especially at Hyde.

He's strong, unlike how I am.

He acknowledges me with a smile, and so I greet him. It's because of him that I can stay here anyway, probably.

Tetsu seems like a really nice person…. So much unlike me. Tolerating, patient (towards people, I guess…), kind… It's all the qualities a girl could want in a man, I imagine.

What am I… but selfish? Demanding? …Insignificant?

I feel so awkward just being there. Hyde is cooking, and Tetsu goes up to take a bath, and then he comes back downstairs. I hover around Hyde, trying to think of anything to be of help to, but there's nothing I can do except lay the table.

And Tetsu appears before Hyde is done, so we end up sitting facing each other.

"…Hyde told me you're coming to see our live today."

I nod. "I'm looking forward to it."

"I'm writing the new song for our single," He says, smiling casually. It seems like he's so comfortable to talk about anything, even to me.

"Really. What is it called?"

"The new song which we're about to create," He replies, and pokes his head towards the kitchen. "Hyde's yet to write the lyrics, but when we're done, the single can be named, then released."

He seems to have pride of what he's doing. I nod in apprehension, and wait for Hyde to reappear.

"Hyde's a great lyricist." Tetsu states, then fumble around with the cutlery a little.

I miss Lacryma Christi…. Why haven't I thought of it?

"I hope that it'll be a success."

"You're going back to Japan."

He raises his gaze so that it's level with mine, but immediately I look downwards. He opens his mouth slightly, and then shuts it again. I think he decides that it's better to not say anything.

I want to ask if it's true that I can come along, but seeing his reaction, I doubt the chances.

All I know is that the moment exists, and so long as it does, I'm fulfilled…………. …

Hyde comes in with our dinner, which we eat in silence, except occasional orders and responses coming to and fro from Tetsu and Hyde. They discuss their single, and decide on what clothing to wear. Hyde asks if I can borrow a piece of Tetsu's clothing, he says but sure, and before I know anything, I'm ushered off to take a bath while the two of them prepare.

Maybe they don't need to practice specifically; after all, they practice every night at the live.

Or maybe they're just talented.

My anticipation is heightened by my thought of their performance, and for a moment it crosses my mind that the rest of Lacryma might be there, and are looking for me….

If they find me, they'll make me leave Hyde. Lacryma doesn't exist with Hyde.

When I come out again, Hyde's combing his hair, singing a tune while she does it. Tetsu seems to have finished fluffing his hair up long ago, and I find myself wishing that I'm as beautiful as he is. If I'm like Tetsu, I'll own Hyde's heart….

Still, I can't.

I'm not like him. Even though, I put on makeup when I go out, I'll never be like him, no matter how thick the mask is.

Hyde finally finishes, and I keep silent most of the way. Hyde's hand grips onto Tetsu's tightly, as he picks the bass up while carrying the sling bag. He's a gentleman, I think.

So much unlike me. When I meet with girls, I don't know what to do.

"Are you excited?" Hyde turns to me, her long black hair tied up. She looks pretty like this. Obviously she's looking forward to it… Like every time she goes away, I suppose.

"Yes… I am," I say. "I want to hear the music again."

She giggles. She's really pretty, like this, with her dark makeup, and that sweet grin. "Music? When we come out with the single, you can have a copy. …You're our fan?"

"I'm a convert," I smile.

She laughs, covering her mouth with her dainty hand, and I wish, with more intensity, that I'm Tetsu.
 
 

We walk along the route which I've passed by but once, and it had been from the other direction at the other time. Still, I somehow miss walking back to my home, and to Koji's garage. I wonder how are they doing now, the rest of Lacryma Christi. I miss Taka even more. Somehow, I wish I can reach that red fur again, and pat its head like I used to.

The stage is the same as I remembered it, and this isn't a weekend, because there isn't many people. I don't even know what day is it, or what date is it.

I only know as days pass by.

Maybe that’s pathetic, but I like it that way.

I sit down by a table, and I watch as they come onstage and plug in their instruments.

The lights are the same. Even the seat is the same, except that there's no Lacryma surrounding me this time. No Shuse, no drunk Levin, no Koji. Not even the Hiro whom I used to know.

No one is waiting to catch me here, and I watch as the music sounds, as Hyde begins to sway according to the beat. Ken and Sakura are like I remembered them to be. The atmosphere is there…. Hyde flits across the stage from Ken, to Sakura, then back into Tetsu's embrace.

It's just a stage act, and they're already so intimate.

I lose myself in watching them, in watching Hyde's beautiful form, in the music, in the sounding rhythms and melody…..

Until, something breaks me out of the reverie.

"Hiro!" A voice sounds.

..—I see a middle aged woman striding towards me, and for a moment I can't recognize her. Behind her are two young men… One of them is Koji. The other is the one whom I've seen all my life; my brother Yasu.

"….Mother!" Suddenly, I realize what it means.

I get up, knocking the chair over, and run. All I know is, I have to run. But…. No matter where I run to, I won't be safe, unless Hyde is there.

Still, Hyde is performing. She doesn't even seem to notice that something happened.

I think she knows, because her eyes turn here.

Everyone knows, but they figure that it's none of their business, and go back to watching Hyde.

The manager is about to come over, too. But I run away, so fast, because it's the only way out.

"Hiro!!" My mom's voice sounds almost desperate. Koji's and Yasu's voices merge with hers, like a hopeless prayer. "Come back here!"

I continue to run.

I start to curse those heeled boots which I'm wearing. I almost lose my balance, once or twice.

They follow close behind, too close.

I can't let them catch up… …

"Hiro!"

Something heavy lands onto my back, knocking me down in a flying tackle. I gasp, as all my breath is knocked out of my chest. Then I struggle.

"Stop it, Hiro!" In the confusion, I don't even know who it is, but the heavy weight keeps me pinned to the ground. Another person approaches, and pushes my head down against the hard asphalt. So hard until it hurts.

"You …bastard." A different voice sounds, and then when they let go, to pull me up, I see that it's Koji who had pinned me down.

"Yasu!" The female voice… It's my mother.

Yasu glares at me, but says nothing. I can almost see the anger spewing from his gaze…. But I don't care, I only want Hyde… I only want.. … Koji's grasp on me grows tighter, until I think I'm about to break. I hear a whimper which I think I let out without knowing, and Koji loosens his grip, but it still hurts.

"Let him go, Koji-kun," She says, in a soft tone, not at all commanding.

Koji's arms slide from me hesitantly, and I find myself looking into my mother's face.

"….Why did you disappear…..?" She looks like she's about to cry. "I was so worried."

"Let me go," I tell her.

"…He's crazy," Yasu shouted. "Look at his shoulder!"

I hurriedly pull the jacket back over when I hear that, but it doesn't stop my mom, as she gasps and steps forward in a second. Her hand holds mine back, and she pulls it away, revealing those clotted wounds on my arm.

"What happened…?" She sounds helpless for a moment, then her voice hardens. "That's it, I'm calling Mori."

My eyes widen upon hearing that.

It's my dad… Who's back in Japan.

He's going to kill me when he hears of this.

…But there's no way I've lost……….

I just want Hyde… I cry out in anguish, as Koji and Yasu take me home like a prisoner trapped between them.

…..I need Hyde…
 
 

The house's normally relaxing décor is almost suffocating now, as I await the judgment. Mother is telling Father what happened, and I can almost feel death awaiting me.

Koji has left, and Yasu only glared at me until Mom sent him to bed. Taka greets me in joy, but the atmosphere is weighed down, and Taka knows it.

Still, she seems so calm, as she puts down the phone, and turns to face me. "…Why did you do it…Hiro…"

But she shuts her mouth immediately, and diverts my gaze. Taka's presence isn't helping.

"Go to bed, Hiro…"

I really don't know how I should react, and I suppose that it's probably the best thing to do right now. I can sneak away and find Hyde later… ..

Like a slave, I clutch Taka close to my chest and trudge up the stairs, with my mother behind me. I enter the door as she ushers me in, and she shuts it for me.

Before I know it, I hear a click, and she says, through the wooden door, "Hiro, please stay here… You're going back to Japan in a week's time. Your father will fetch you. Please, don't go away again…."

But I don't really hear her voice….

I don't want to return.

…Hyde…

…I need her so much. I can't…. I can't live in this house without her….

…..I can't just…

I must find her.

Life without her is going to be so painful.

Taka seems to sense it, and it whimpers, but I don't care anymore. I throw it down onto the floor, and it whimpers some more… But I can't seem to find a strand of pity in my heart, as I fling myself onto the bed, burying myself in the covers, and I let myself cry away the mascara.
 
 

"Hiro, breakfast," Mother's voice echoes in my empty head, and I try to look up. God, my eyes feel so puffy, like someone's stuffed excess cotton wool in my eyeballs.

"….Leave me alone," I mumble, burying my face back into the comfort of the pillow.

"Eat something," She says gently.

I ignore her. Awkward silence passes by for a long time, and still, I choose to ignore her.

"….Then, I'll leave it on the table. Do eat it, Hiro." She heaves a sigh, and I feel her weight lift off the mattress. And then I hear the door shut.

Something wet touches my foot.

"Stop that, Taka." My tone is so dead.

It continues, and I hear a little whining from that dog.

"Fucking stop that!!" I yell. "Leave me alone, leave me ALONE!"

Immediately, I hear a really disappointed whimper, and deep inside, I smile at having hurt the poor soul. Smiling, yet lamenting at the same time.

It's such a stupid thing to care about, though.

At least I'm at peace. For the time being.

I think I drift off to sleep twenty minutes later (or so), and I don't wake up until the sunlight starts to get really harsh on me. Eyeing the table wearily, I realize I'm somewhat hungry, and rather defeatedly, I sit down to eat. Taka gathers at my feet, looking up at me with such soulful eyes that I hold out a piece of meat, and it munches straight from my hand.

I wonder what Hyde is doing without me there.

It seems like routine is broken, to be replaced with this… dull… God, I don't even know what to call it. I don't even feel like I'm existing.

So pathetic, am I not?

After I'm done, I simply sit there, and gaze outside the window. From there, I can see a path which leads to a nursery nearby. Mothers in neat, cleanly-pressed clothes bring kids with neat, cleanly-pressed clothes and nicely-combed hair to school.

The day is too bright, so bright that my eyes ache.

Briefly I think about how many of the kids will be brought up to obey the Federal laws, and I almost laugh aloud in bitterness. So many people stuck in such a miserable existence, and they're… happy?

Ridiculous.

But gradually, I grow sober, and decide to throw the curtain back.

The sunlight is shut out, once again, with the scene this time, and I look around my room. There really isn't much to do. I look at my books; don't feel like reading. Taka is watching me, but I don't want to care for it right now.

…My guitar.

It sits in a corner, looking so innocent and lonely. Almost in nostalgia, I move closer to it, and plug it in into the amp. Usually I'd play it in the afternoon so that no one would complain, but I decide that it's no big deal anyway; I don't care. So I turn the volume up. But I decide to leave the distortion easy.

And I play.

Just random chords, then a Lacryma song.

I don't know what else I could have done; it seems like the only thing to do at this moment. Then, when my fingers finally decide to turn to stone, I move over to look at my CDs.

Eminem… X Japan… Buck Tick… Cradle of Filth… Luna Sea… Mr Children… Voltaire… Yellow Monkey…

Manson… The Beautiful People, Portrait of an American Family… —Mechanical Animals.

I blink.

Then, almost as if guided by fate, my shaking fingers reach out, to take hold of the CD case, and I pull out the familiar CD. It's been such a long time since I touched my copy.

…And then I slip the CD into the cradle of the CD player. Its green digital lights start blinking, and the familiar riffs, beats and voices creep into my mind again.

In space the stars are no nearer….

……The song's colors are so bleak; it sounds so much like me. With those lyrics, I see this world potrayed in that song, a world with not only me, but everyone else.

We used to love ourselves… We used to love one another…

Our world. I think of the kids going to nursery….

Mother Mary miscarry, but we pray just like insects… The world is so ugly now…..

I think of this country's currency even; "god save the world".

And then I think of Hyde. She's the only girl whom I've met who's been able to understand what I'm saying, about religion, about life, about… everyone.

She's the only girl whom I've talked to about it…

Heck, she's the only person.

Not even Lacryma has been as close to me before… They don't even understand this part of me.

Why am I locked in….?! No… I must get out of here…. I must… But how?!

I'm going to be so empty without her….
 
 

I think I cried myself asleep again. This time, pieces of my plans still float in my head as I sleep, and I wake up from the horrible dream of Father coming to America to take me to Japan after forcing a tranquilizer shot up my arm.

It hurt, in that dream.

But when I wake up, I think I know what I must do. There must be something that I can do… If only my room isn't on the second floor. Mother already came in with lunch, I see, and Yasu never even looked at me once as he accompanied her. It sucked. I hate my brother. He's just one of them, treating me like dirt.

I hate them. I hate them all.

But this time I'm not hungry, so I just let it sit there and rot while I gaze out of the window, to see messy kids play in the nursery playground. All of them are in twos, threes, and more, except one, who sits at a corner and stares. Somehow, I think I almost see myself reflected in that small form, being unwelcome like this, and getting used to it.

Getting used to feeling inferior to even more inferior people.

….I really don't know when will I be able to get out of here…. It seems like time passes by so slowly.

It seems like forever……..
 
 

I spend the whole of today staring out, waiting for kids to pass by the house. I don't even get to bathe, since they won't let me out. Those fuckers.

I think I'll ask Mother… Maybe she'll let me. I stink.

Yasu, on the other hand, just glares at me as if expecting something to happen. Doesn't he have to fucking go to school?

Oh…. The calendar says that it's Sunday.

Maybe he'll go away tomorrow.

And then I cry when I think about Hyde, and the world which I could have been in, that was woven only for me. Mother comes in to feed Taka, and sees me, but I just hide myself with the pillow. I've never really let any one of my family seen me so weak before.

I don't want to show weaknesses, ever again.

I don't want to let them gloat at seeing me as the weakling.

Those fuckers, they should die. She's probably thinking that Yasu is so much better and righteous than I am right now, anyway.

Trying to separate me and Hyde….

I don't want to live this life…

Why can't they understand that?!

I have a craving deep within me, that I think is only for Hyde, too. But it's my body, which tingles with such coldness.

Even my body is hurting at being separated from Hyde.

I'll never be able to feel those soft lips on me again, or see her face. I want to watch her beautiful face as she talks….

And then, I fade off to sleep again.
 
 

It's so hard to sleep properly, because my mind is all messed up, and I can't enjoy sleep any longer. Still, I try to sleep, and I try to not think of Hyde. And still, her face floats into my dreams, and I think I end up crying into my pillow again.

Like that, I pass by the whole night, into the morning.

Warm hands rest on my shoulder, and I know it isn't Hyde's, so I shake it off.

"Hiro, breakfast."

I look up with a start.

She's getting used to it so fast, I suppose. …I don't even want to think about it. She's getting used to treating me like the prisoner and the weakling that I am.

Then I see her back turn, as she gets ready to shut the door again.

"…Mom." I croak; my voice is hoarse. "I want to bathe."

"Then…" She immediately turns back, to face me. "Well. …I'll prepare hot water for you. It'll be ready in ten minutes."

I watch as she leaves the room again, shutting the door with a click after her.

She's fast. She even locks the door as she's preparing the water.

Ah, heck. I'm not thinking about that anymore….. Instead, I pick my clothes, getting them ready. My black leather pants, and my black gauze shirt. I feel like wearing it today…

And I think, maybe I can run away.

As long as I get out of this room… nee? I've got the key to the front door. She can't stop me.

I've got to dress fine for Hyde…

I wonder how am I supposed to return her the clothes, but I don't suppose I can sneak them out, and I don't even want to try.

Mother comes back in minutes later, and I take my bundle of clothes, to follow her to the bathroom. I glare at her until she decides to leave me alone in the bathtub, and then I make sure I clean myself properly. I don't want to reach Hyde's house smelling like mushrooms.

When I'm done, I dry, and then I put on my clothes, and peek out to find that Mother is waiting patiently outside. I stiffen; I don't expect that.

"….I've forgotten my underwear," I lie.

"I'll get it for you," She says, and disappears upstairs.

…Yes…..

Immediately I rush out of the bathroom, towards the front door, and I slide my key in, turn the lock, and I run down the porch, not even bothering to shut the door.

…I'm free….

I'm free…..!
 
 

For you, I can defy our mechanical heaven… For you, I can abandon the peace-filled existence.

I love you, and only you…..

Freedom is where you are…..

Beautiful angel, whom everyone wants….

Even though you'll never be mine…

Nearer, nearer… To her house.

My knees feel so weak, as if they're about to collapse, but I don't let them.

Even if the place which I'm going to is hell…

I don't care, because the place without you is worse…..

Faster and faster, until no one can catch up, to the world where only you and me reside….

Even if you decide to throw me away, to kill me, to hurt me, the pain will only increase my existence. I don't want to be in that gray world anymore.

I want to be where you are…

Hyde…..

"Hyde!!" I yell, pounding against the door with all my might. "Hyde… Open up!"

Silence.

I pound some more, until I am exhausted… But I don't see the door open…….

Tears fill my eyes, as I realize that everything have been wasted.

There's nowhere for me to live anymore, I can't…. I can't turn back.

Hyde, please open the door….

I think I almost prayed.

And then, in a swift moment, the door moves. And I see, in surprise, Hyde wrapped in a large towel. Her beautiful hair is dripping with water, water which gives those beautiful waterfalls a sense of smoothness.

My angel…

"There's a doorbell, Hiro." She tells me calmly, with a slightly amused smile curled on her face. "Please use it next time; it's less noisy. Thank god it's already twelve-thirty."

"….." My jaw drops in awe, but I hurriedly shut my mouth. She's so… nonchalant…? As if nothing happened….

"Come in, I'm freezing," She purses her lips, and pulls me in, shutting the door behind me and locking it up. My eyes wander from her hair to her long-awaited face, then her collarbone, then her cleavage, which is adorned by the towel that is sliding off…

I swallow slightly, casting my eyes back onto her face.

She grips the towel tighter, looking accusingly at me.

"…I'm… I'm sorry," I murmur.

She looks like she's about to scold me, but her frown slowly changes into a smile. "I knew you'd come back, Hiro. I was waiting for you."

"…What…" I stare at her unbelievably. "You were….?"

"I'm sorry I couldn't do anything," She tells me apologetically, as she pulls me closer, until her fragrance which is mingled with the smell of flowers fills my mind. "I hope you understand."

I nod, dumbfounded.

That fragrance, that presence, that beautiful face…. It's all that I was waiting for, it's all that I've escaped for. Escaped from that mechanical world, into here…

Our heaven…

Her soft lips touch mine for a brief moment, and I let her kiss me, as usual. But she makes a face, and laughs. "Take a bath. You're dripping with sweat."

I don't want to tell her that I've already taken one, and so I do as she says.

The world which I want…

And it's really cold, too… I'm shivering.

When I'm done, she leads me down the kitchen to drink my usual glass of wine, and then I feel much, much warmer all over again. Even my aching feet seem to be healed.

It's like the elixir of life from the utmost heavenly angel…

When I'm done, I let her kiss me again, and I let her lead me back up into the room.

Our room.

I almost feel the urge to hold her… I think, I almost reached out for her, but I didn't. I don't know what's gotten over me… To have that urge to own her, because I'm so minute. I'm so dirty… I'm not worthy, not worthy at all. I can never own something so heavenly and divine.

I smile as she hurts me again.

I smile, as she gives meaning to my existence…..

Even though today there is no release, I am already so tired. She doesn't ask if I want anything; she just does it. It seems like our destined wheels are back in track again…

Her, the goddess, and me, the slave.

I'm so tired because I'm tired of hungering for more… And I'm filled.

I think, as I faint, I tell her something which I never told her before. Still, I don't know if I mean to; euphoria and physical hurt has set in so deep it scalds my consciousness….

"I love you…."

And I think I see her smiling face. A smile of satisfaction, a smile that isn't really so angelic after all….

Like she's a dark angel, polluting an innocent human.

I kind of like that, except that I'm not really innocent…..

Or, maybe it's just my imagination.
 
 

Our days, they pass by.

With each day, my wounds fester and increase; they seem to carve my existence onto everything—even Hyde's hands. She seems to enjoy it, the taste, its look, the way it flows…

And I gladly spare it, because it's my reason for existence.

Nothing goes wrong again, because she doesn't let me out of the house anymore. She lets me drink more and more of those wine, but one day, I caught her putting a white substance into it. She asked if I cared, and I said no. Since then, I took it straight.

It works better like that.

The pain is there, but it isn't really there—although I can't describe this properly. I mean, with Hyde… Everything is going to be fine, everything is going to be wonderful. For me… I love her so much. You see—her existence is carved deep inside me with that knife, and I want to be with her forever.

Forever is a long time, actually.

It seems like even this life is not enough.

Isn't it….

If my mother sees it, she'll say that I'm crazy, and ask why do I do this to myself. And if my dad knows it, he'll probably beat me to death… Isn't it so funny? I can imagine him beating me for letting myself be hurt. And Yasu, he'll look at me with that expression of his.

Do I care? No.

Not really.

Even Lacryma doesn't matter—why should I care about them?

Taka…. I don't miss it, even.

When Hyde is here………

If she wants me to die for her, I'll gladly do it.

And Tetsu doesn't seem to mind that I'm never going to return his shirt. I still feel sorry about it, though, and I wish that I'm allowed some time to go down to the mall, and get him something. But I don't want to get locked up again, like a fucking prisoner. Without Hyde. It's worse.

….I still peek out of the window, occasionally.

Then I turn back to look at the mirror, to notice with satisfaction, that I'm getting paler with each day that passes. One of the great assets of staying indoors, I suppose.

I look horrible, actually. I think I act like I'm having spasms sometimes.

But… Still. Hyde seems to enjoy looking at me, more and more, and that's all that matters.

I want to look pretty to her, and only her. It doesn't even matter if I'm akin to a dead corpse.

Well, through these days, I hardly see Tetsu at all. I think I sleep more and more; I'm so tired. I can't help it. My wounds get redder and redder, too. But I don't mind it.

Still, one night, Tetsu came in to fetch Hyde. That was the only time actually. He came home later than usual, and Hyde was reading a novel to me. With really heavy metal blasting in the background.

She was saying that she loved the sound of destruction and dramatism inside those heavily distorted guitars, and I had agreed so. He looked at me once, then he turned to Hyde with this look on his face.

As if he's pitying me.

Pitying me, who am in heaven.

She only acts so normal, like she's seen nothing. Her smile had been really beautiful, as she said that she knew that Tetsu was late, and they'd better skip dinner. She'd bought croutons earlier for him, so she said. He simply nods, and she talks with him on the way out.

But that's all. Sometimes, I imagine myself as Tetsu. I imagine myself holding her really tightly, without her really hurting me because I'm deserving of her love, and of existence. ….because I'm not the numb person that I am now, and because I don't need pain to illustrate my being here. But they're only imaginations, because I'm still…. As pathetic as I am. Inferior. But I'm so fulfilled, and I don't want him to pity me.

Him of all people.

But he won't understand, because he has Hyde. He's worthy of her…

I suppose, beautiful people can never understand how ugly people like me feel.

Still, I like to think of these things, because I know that they can never come true.

Crazy… am I not? Hah, it's funny.

The things that can't be reached even with fingertips… I might as well…. Set it free, and embrace that beauty from a distance… Nee? Isn't it better this way?

Because I know I can never bear to crush it. It's all that I have.

That I'm afraid to lose.

If I lose it, I'll really be no one, I'll really have nothing and no one.

Even if pain is all that I have, I'm willing to accept it.

Anyway, it's not just pain…. It's my existence. It's with my goddess, my angel.

It’s all that I want… Really.

I think Hyde understands that.

I wonder, when are they going back to Japan? Am I going with them? A part of me is so scared, but Hyde seems to soothe me before I get flustered.

This sort of thing….

Wait till it happens. I don't give a fuck now.
 
 

I play around with the tarot cards which she's gotten me. One thing interesting about it is that, with utter concentration, everything comes out right. Except that, it's a part of the subconsciousness, as much as it is of karma, so it's hard to differentiate unless you're a real guru, which I'm not.

I'm fascinated by the way it reveals my thoughts.

When I go back to Japan, I must bring a set. If I am… That is.

Then I hear the sounds of footsteps coming up the stairs, and then the door to my room opens. Hyde comes in, and about seconds later, Mechanical Animals sound in the other room again. I wonder how many times they've listened to it.

"Manson's coming out with a new album. Holywood," Hyde says the first thing she sees me.

"Really! I want to hear it," I immediately respond. She laughs quietly at my enthusiasm, and then nods. "Are you getting it soon?"

"It's coming out after we're returning to Japan, so we'll have to get it when we're back there," She tells me with a small smile on her lips, and I sigh. "Still, I can't wait too. I'm getting the interview of the big guy himself. It seems like the band is going back to the older sound styles, so critics say."

"Really…!"

"Un," She nods once again, her eyes glimmering. "We're going to jam a Manson song when we're back in Tokyo."

"Wah." It sounds really cool. "At a live?"

"At a live," She laughs. "Nee, I'm going back in with Tetchan. Sorry I can't be with you tonight… Tomorrow, I promise?"

"….Un…" I close my eyes as she lands a soft feathery kiss on my cheek.

"Then, good night."

The door shuts, and I see her leave me. She looks really good in black long sleeved shirt, and a long dark-gray skirt. Her hair is still so straight, like mine, except that it's prettier and gets tangled up less. It flows as she moves, too.

Her fragrance…

I try to imagine how it's like, to be able to grasp and sift my fingers through those lovely hair strands. My fingers twine around my own hair.

It's not the same, of course.

No harm imagining.

And her fingers, her lips…. ..

"….aa…"

I close my eyes, imagining everything as it should be. Imagining…… that I still own her touch, as she undresses me.

….that she's doing our routine………
 
 

When I'm finished, I pull my clothes back on, and head towards the bathroom. I wash myself as if nothing happened, as if it had been really Hyde who had done it.

…But, I think Hyde'll laugh at me. About this sort of thing…

I quickly get over it, though.

I want to see Hyde again, with Tetsu.

Sighing, I decide not to peep in again…. It doesn't seem right to peep in the first place anyway.

….It's not my piece of heaven.

Not rightfully mine, at least. I'm like a little frog peeking out of the well—I can only see a piece of that sky. No matter how much I want to become a bird, I can never be. Still, I try to look at the sky occasionally, even though the sky isn't what I'm supposed to see.

Ah, well.

Even with pleasure, I feel so numb, so numb physically……

I wonder where has my mind gone though. It's nowhere on this earth, definitely.

For the first time in days, weeks, I'm looking at myself in the mirror again, carefully. I study the scars, and wonder if they will fade away. It seems that the healed ones are leaving white livid marks across…. I admire it closely, as if there's something to be seen in it.

On my body.

I lower my head, and kiss my arm gently. The wound tastes sweet, coppery sweet.

I wonder, if this is the me whom Hyde likes so much. That, I'm being the perfect destroyed being there is, to be destroyed further.

Maybe she can feed on my pain or something. Does it work this way for humans….

Angels…

Goddesses?

Maybe.

As I lift my head, I lick my lips, and finally, pull the towel around me. I've forgotten to bring in the T-shirt and boxers that they've gotten me, so that I can wear more than Hyde's night gowns and Tetsu's oversized sweaters.

It seems like they love furry things. Tetsu's furry coats will so nice and warm in winter days, I can imagine.

Heh…. I guess, I'm furry enough?

If I snip my hair off, maybe Hyde won't want to look at me anymore. Now, I just look like a beast.

I like it….
 
 

Love…. Is something so strange, that it lights up even the darkest of streets, of hearts, and gives a new glow to it.

So people say.

Love…. Is something so strange, it can turn the brightest of souls into the darkest demons.

Sometimes, I think it's more appropriate to say it this way. But because, I've always been a human, I have no choice but to be the fallen human that I am, polluted, impure, dirty.

As she takes me to heaven, she lets me realize that. But I just don't see anything wrong with it.

I don't see who had it written down in black and white that we must be good religious people, either. Or people who follow laws blindly. Court laws and social laws.

Her mouth feels so warm, as it presses against mine, as her tongue twirls to meet mine.

Then, she suddenly pulls away, and gazes at me deep in the eye. There's a certain sense of hesitation, maybe even melancholy, but there's only so much that I know what she's thinking of. She heaves a sigh, and continues staring at me.

"…..nee, Hiro?"

"…un…?"

"……Something's been bothering me."

As soon as I hear it, I know that she wants me to do something. I await her next word, so that I can follow what she says, and do exactly as she wants me to.

"…Promise me…. You won't tell Tetchan, nee…?" As her face hovers over me, I know I can't say no.

"I promise."

"……It's just that… Your band mate, Koji…."

….Koji…?

She laughs. "You won't do it."

"…Wait… What do I have to do?" I only know that I want to remain in her eyes as the Hiro that I am now… Pretty. Her inanimate toy… It doesn't matter what. I just want to remain.

"Nothing much. Just come with me this Saturday… Won't you? Koji's been annoying me especially these few days. I don't want him saying that I've kept you here against your will. Tell him….. Won't you? You just want to be with me?" She seems so troubled.

Do you think I can ever deny her anything? …It's such a little thing anyway. "I'll tell him, Hyde."

She seems pleased, and she kisses me gently for a brief moment. "…But you might get caught again."

"I don't care…" I feel her smile against my lips.

"….That's good, Hiro….. You're wonderful……….."
 
 

The next day, Hyde dresses me up in Tetsu's trench coat, making sure that I hide all my hair inside it. She even gives me a hat, which makes it seem kind of weird in this kind of weather.

Not that I mind, because it's not cold, nor is it too hot.

Hyde's dressed in her usual long-sleeved style, except this time it's a white gown, with a flowing white skirt. I love this kind of feeling, like she's just become another angel, a good angel this time. There's beads resting on her chest, and it falls down prettily against those curves. If she has a pair of wings, she'll look… perfect.

"Are you done, Tetchan?" She asks, rather impatiently at her lover.

"Almost," Tetsu's calm voice echoes through the door.

She shrugs when she sees me, and pounds on the door some more. "Hurry up!"

And immediately, the door opens in her face. She falls in from the gesture, and lands neatly smack into Tetsu's chest. His usual skirt, his usual shirt, his usual jacket…. It's black, and makes him seem like a fairy.

"Pain! Idiot Tetchan!" Hyde pouts at him, and proceeds to snuggle into his chest.

Tetsu's eyes rest on her gently, with such a fondness, as he holds her back. But as if reminded by something, his gaze sweeps onto me. He still holds her, but this time, diverting my gaze. "Have you memorized all of Floods of Tears, Hyde?"

"Of course," She tells him, poking his nose playfully. "Just ask Hiro."

"Yeah," I say, and I try to smile as earnestly as I can.

"……I was hoping we could have a practice with Ken and Sakura before we mess it up…."

"Surely it'll be fine, Tetchan," She laughs. "It's just one song."

"…We should replace it with I'm In Pain… Hyde, I don't want to foul up." He sighs. "And I'm not satisfied with the bass part. We need to meet with Ken and Sakura again."

"….Fine," She sighs. "I practiced all week for nothing."

He shakes his head, with a slight smile on his face, holding her even more tightly. "You can sing for me tonight."

"…..Dirty Tetchan!" She punches him lightly on the shoulder.

…I think I'm smiling at watching them.

"….Is Hiro coming?" Tetsu asks, suddenly turning back towards me and letting go of Hyde. She seems rather uncomfortable to have been 'discarded' like that, and hovers around him again.

"Don't worry, Tetchan. He's just going with us to convince that noisy idiot—"

"……….I'll be acting up too if you were gone, Hyde…." He shook his head, but suddenly Hyde's face seems to be shrouded with a shadow.

"Are you saying that I'm wrong?! He's staying with me because he wants it. Nee, Hiro? You're just jealous, Tetsu." She suddenly clasps her hands over her mouth, as if she's realized what she was saying. "…..Tetchan…?"

Surprisingly, he only smiles sadly at her, and slings the bag over his shoulder. "….Maybe, Hyde."

"It's true, Tetsu," I open my big mouth.

He doesn't even look at me, and neither does Hyde. But I trudge along as Tetsu's steps start moving, and he wraps his arms around Hyde again.

"…..We're running late if you don't hurry up," He tells her, and laughingly, she hugs him back.
 
 

I'm sneaked into the backstage this time; no one really cares anyway. Everything is like I've remembered it to be supposed to be, filled with cigarette smoke, and murmurs. Tetsu tells his band mates what to do, including Hyde, and I see them listen, nod, and pipe up once or twice. His band mates are as I remembered them to be as well; Sakura has a dark feel to him which I can't grasp, although he seems friendlier and more open now. And Ken's body is still good looking. Her army suit style suits her as well, in a totally different way from Hyde's gown suits her.

And totally different from how Tetsu suits Hyde…

But that's another story.

It's even stuffier at the backstage, and the trench coat makes it worse. And everyone is bustling about, except for Ken, who plops down beside me with a cigarette in his hand.

"Want a smoke?"

"I don't smoke," I tell her, and she shrugs, with that carefree smile on her face.

"Don't tell me you're hitting on Hyde's prey already, Ken!" Sakura seems jovial today, as he pokes his head right next to Ken's. She rolls her eyes. "Nee, I want a smoke."

"You have a packet," She retorts, and smacks his head gently. She's taller than him.

"Oh yeah….. You're a scrooge," Sakura snuggles his face into her neck, and then pulls her closer.

"Although Hyde's the one who says she's generous to anyone but her band mates," Ken unflinchingly winks at that beautiful vocalist in the corner, who's drinking something out of a thermos flask. "And quit that, Sakura. I didn't agree to you yet."

"You want to, Ken, and I know it."

"I'm going to get angry," She tells him even more calmly, but the drummer continues to hold her. She pushes him away with some strength, and stands up, stretching herself. Sakura smirks.

"….To think I practiced for Floods of Tears so hard too," Sakura sighed as he eyed Tetsu who's standing quietly in a corner beside Hyde.

"Oh, yeah. Band meeting at….. When can you make it, Sakura, Ken?"

"Don't know. I've got to look after that Danielle kid this weekend. And I don't want him messing up my guitar again," Ken voices up. Maybe she's working as a baby-sitter. "That family is getting on my nerves, but I want cash when I go back to Japan, and I can still slack when I do that work."

"…That’s a problem," Tetsu sighs. "We'll have to do it when we're back in Japan, though."

"Yes, sir!"

Laughter echoes in the backstage, until someone calls them to hurry up and get going. Then, I'm left all alone here.

This band is so different from Lacryma; four unfitting kids and one dog joined up together….

Still………

I wonder, if my relationship with everyone has broken off the day I ran away from reality….

Heck, I don't think about it anymore. I don't care.

I don't care… If I can ditch my family, Lacryma is no big deal either.

Even if…

If what………?

There is no if, ever since I was born.

Except when I meet Hyde….

L'Arc~en~Ciel's music echoes through the thin walls. I listen to it, almost mesmerized. It seems like the hue is of darkness, with a dreamy edge around it. The melody…. Some of the songs feel like anesthesia, when it's laden with pain, so much pain that it's becoming numbness.

Ikikata ga konna no.

Yes… I think I've become a fan. Or something. I mean, besides loving Hyde, besides seeing Tetsu as whom he is—a talented man equivalent to Hyde, the angel—I usually won't like music so easily. Sometimes, I'll just listen to them for kicks, and then get bored of them.

Unless they have something important to say.

But even now, I think the music itself speaks…. And I'm taken with it.

Strange, isn't it? Maybe because I love Hyde so much, my thoughts are already merged in her world.

When I hear the music stop, and the bustle, I know that they've finished. But I only see Sakura come in, followed by Ken. No Hyde or Tetsu.

Ken smirks when she sees me. "Your friend is here again. He's really a big fan of Hyde's, isn't he?"

"….I don't care," I speak up, and I reach for my coat.

She laughs. "….I can see why he's worried. Put on that trench coat, Hiro. Or he'll get more worried."

I shake my head. How does she know…? With gloves and long sleeves, I've kept it perfectly hidden. …I think my neck has some scars, too. So….

"And more make up," Sakura chirps in. "…God, you look like a drug addict. Or someone on high with a shot of double espresso. Or a goldfish."

"Sakura," Ken eyes him, and he shrugs.

I don't have the heart to tell him that I know I am. "…I'll take care."

I lapse into silence as Sakura makes more passes at Ken, and she keeps brushing him off like the wind trying to blow out an insistent candle, yet in the process making it glow brighter and burn stronger. Then, Tetsu strolls in, and he sits down beside Ken.

"….Give me a smoke," He says, looking up wearily at Ken.

"Smoke?" Ken raises an eyebrow as if she thinks Tetsu is out of his mind. "Did you just say… Give you a smoke, or did you tell us that smoking is giving you a stroke?"

"I want one," He insists.

"Fine, if it's not going to give you a stroke," Ken shrugs, and takes out a cigarette from her box, and hands it to him. "Fire?"

"….Un." Tetsu takes it, to let her light it up.

More smoke fill and cloud the air. Tetsu takes a puff, looking as if he'd let it flood his lungs, and then he coughs.

"Don't force yourself when you can't, Tetchan." Sakura speaks up. Even though he looks sleazy, he seems to be serious.

"Yeah, we don't want you down with a stroke until the single is released," Ken laughs. Sakura winks at her.

Tetsu ignores them, and takes another inhalation. He's frowning; he doesn't seem to be enjoying it. "….Get Light next time, not Menthol, please."

"Hey, you can always return it to me."

Tetsu cordially looks up at her, holds it up for a moment and continues puffing. "…It's not healthy, filling your lung with black smoke."

"Someone has decided to 'explore the dark side', huh?" Hyde's voice echoes in the room, and everyone turns towards her direction, all except for Tetsu.

"….So, were there too many fans?"

"Yeah, Aya came back again today with more friends," She pauses, and glances at Tetsu. "…Why are you smoking?"

"You smoke too," That’s Tetsu's reply. It doesn't seem to help much, because Hyde's still looking at him with a rather confused and worried expression.

"….Nee, Hiro. Koji's meeting you at the back exit later," Hyde strides towards me, and rests her hand on my shoulder. She pauses, as if awaiting my response. I nod. She smiles, seeming satisfied, and then goes towards Tetsu's bag to search for something. "Look, new lighter."

"That's cool," Ken remarks, and reaches out to touch the silvery surface. "Did Tetchan get it for you?"

"Un," She beams.

"It's intricate," Sakura steps closer to study the lighter which Hyde's holding up, and takes it in his hands. "It says sterling silver, too."

"It's nice of Tetchan," Ken glances at the bassist before taking exhaling the smoke. "…Nee, Tetchan?"

"I…." Tetsu's voice is disrupted by a series of coughs. He fails to speak. Sakura and Ken only laugh harder, while Hyde moves forward to pat him on the back, gently.

It seems to be only her gentility that has anything that moves me other than her beauty.

"It's just not like you to smoke, Tetchan."

"….Shut up," Tetsu snaps, and suddenly, I notice that he's sulking. Like a little kid annoyed at the lollipop he's been holding. "…I'm going home."

Almost hastily, he casts the glowing cigarette onto the floor, and stamps out the cigarette butt with his shoes. Then he throws everything into his bag, zips it up, stuffs his bass into its carrier, and, in big strides, walks out of the room, slamming the back door shut.

"……Men," Ken sighs, and rolls her eyes. She casts a glance at Hyde, who looks somewhat downcast and confused. Sakura shrugs when Ken's gaze meets his. "Foolish creatures."

"…Never mind," Hyde brightens up. "Hiro will walk me home."

"Do you think he can protect you as well as Tetsu does?" That's the prompt reply that comes from Sakura. "He looks like he's suffering from—"

"Right…. I protect Tetchan. You'll be surprised, chauvinist pig," Hyde winks at Ken, who chuckles brightly. "…Hiro, we should be waiting for Koji outside about… five minutes later."

"….Are we going to walk home together?"

"It'll just take a moment for us, Ken. You can wait for me at the main street."

"We'll wait here," Sakura decides, dropping the cigarette into the ash tray, and then winks at her.

She snorts. "I'm not going to do it with you, immature boy. Wait ten more years!"

….I smile.

They're a really nice group of people. Like humans, I think.

Somehow, I think I miss Lacryma. This thought somewhat scares me, because…. If I have to tell Koji that I'm leaving them for good… .. Will I be able to? I'm afraid that I'll show my weakness, once again… Because, I'm strong only with Hyde.

Hyde looks at the clock on the wall, and then signals at me. I put on my coat, stuff my hair into it, and make sure that my neck is covered.

She smiles knowingly at me, as if I'm going to be…. Good. I'm going to listen to her words without flinching at my own weakness. "Let's go, Hiro."

With that, she strolls towards the door, and opens it. I follow; I see Koji standing there, as if he's been waiting there for a rather long time. "I brought Hiro here."

I think I see him murmur my name, even though I can't hear it, as I shut the door behind me.

"…….Hiro." He calls out louder this time, for me.

"Koji." I respond; I'm not sure what I should say.

His eyes seem so helpless, so desperate, my heart almost goes out to him. "Hiro, please come back to us."

I squeeze my eyes shut. "…I can't, Koji."

"Why not?! Did that woman do anything to you!?" He demands, stepping closer to me, to grasp hold of my hands, knocking Hyde aside.

She smiles, "I didn't do anything, Koji. Ask Hiro."

"Hyde didn't, Koji. She didn't do anything," I break his hold, as I study his shocked face. I really don't want to see him like this. "…I just want to be with her…. Do you understand?"

"…No……." His eyes seem to be misted over by a sheen. "I don't! We need you, Hiro! We need you!"

"I love her," I say simply; I think it's the only thing that explains it all.

"Then Lacryma… What is Lacryma to you?!" He demands, taking hold of my shoulders this time, his fingers clasping so tightly it hurts. "You'll ditch us for her?!"

For a moment, I almost want to say that I didn't, and never will….. That I'm really sorry, and that I need Lacryma too. But…. I steal a glance at Hyde, and she stands there, still smiling. She's so beautiful…. How can I explain it? Love isn't so easily shown to someone who doesn't know. "…She's all that I need."

"Hiro…. You're really going to leave us?" He seems pained.

"……" I nod… It's the only thing which I can do right now, it seems. If I can be with Hyde…. I don't care who needs me. I'm selfish, like love is….

"…So…. Koji, Hiro's mine now, you see," Hyde smirks, looking so dangerously beautiful at the same time. "Don't blame me for it; blame yourself for your incapability."

"You….!" Koji's fists grasp really tight. He seems to be really angry…..

"You. Are. Useless," She tells him, stepping even closer to him. He's shaking; grasping his fists really tight and shaking, as if he's controlling something deep within himself….. I fear for Hyde. "Hiro's mine forever, now. You can't even protect a friend whom you fall in love with."

That seems to have broken the taut tension. Koji steps forward in a swift move, and his fist swings out.

….And I step forward… Even though, Hyde is already dodging it. I don't want her to get hurt. And then something cuffs me heavily in the head.

The last thing which I know is that it hurts, before my mind turns groggy and I black out.
 
 

I don't know why they call it 'black out' when in reality, it isn't really so. It's like a fog hit my mind with the pain, and my eyes slide close. Behind my eyelids, everything's white, and I see confused figures moving in the whiteness. I think I see Hyde's silhouette, and someone's holding me. A face, I think Koji…..

I'm not sure how long, but, I feel myself being hoisted up. I don't even know if I am being carried, because my consciousness isn't there.

When my eyes finally open, I see Koji's chin. When I let a moan escape from my mouth, he looks down at me. You'd have expected him to smile or something, but he only gazed at me sorrowfully.

"….Can you walk?" He asks.

"…..Yeah, I think." I put my hand to my head to make sure that it's not swaying. As soon as he lets my feet touch the ground, I remember what's going on "What did you do to Hyde?!"

But my feet waver, and I almost lose my balance. Koji catches me again. "I didn't do anything to that slut." ….So quietly.

"Slut…. Hyde is not a slut!" I yell, despite my frail position. I try to make him let go, but it's a futile attempt, because he still holds on to me, and gazing into my eyes. As if I'm defeated, I turn away.

Then he speaks again, "….She is a slut, Hiro…. She is. Why do you love her, Hiro?! She doesn't deserve it…!"

I laugh, bitterly, and this time, I succeed in making him let go. Stepping backwards and trying not to sway, I remember what Hyde said…

You can't even protect a friend you've fallen in love with. "You're in love with me, aren't you, Koji? You're jealous, aren't you? That's why…. You've been trying to separate us… Me and Hyde!!"

Fury flashes in his eyes for a moment, but then it swiftly turns to pain, like he's been stabbed a thousand times over. I smirk at seeing him lose; maybe he won't care about me if he loses…. "Hyde… Hyde?" He laughs, much too suddenly, too insanely. Instead, it sounds like a cry. "…..She left you when you fainted. She tried to taunt me. She didn't even want to stay and care for you…. Hiro…. You didn't see all that, did you? You had to faint."

Then his breaths grow softer, as if he's calming down. "….I'm jealous? Maybe. But Hyde isn't worth it, Hiro. She doesn't love you at all—she doesn't need you for fuck's sake. Look at what she's done to you…. Hurting you… Then separating you from us."

I shake my head violently. "…I want to be hurt. I don't care if she doesn’t love me. I love her."

"……You can't see it, Hiro… She's trying to destroy us… Us all….!" He takes hold of my wrist again, and then pulls me along with him brutally, not caring if he's hurting me. My wounds feel like they're going to burst anytime soon… . "Come with me. You're not going to escape this time."

"….No…! No!!" I scream, and I try to shake him off, but instead, his fist swipes out again, and knocks me over with his fist, again and again, almost inhumanely.

"You like to be hurt? Then I'll hurt you." He tells me, even though I can see on his face obvious pain.

"….Please… No…" I whimper, but he doesn't seem to notice. As if he's too mechanic to care… He carries me to his garage this way, when I'm too weak to stand again.
 
 

"Lacryma is gone, Hiro…. Because you are," He tells me sadly, as he caresses my cheek. My view illustrates the garage as what I've known all along; as a gray cemented floor with one or two mats on it; painted white walls, a double-decker bed in a corner, a couple of chairs beside the table, a few amps, racks, two guitars….

It looked like home the two years which I've known it………. But now it just seems like a cage.

A cage ready to take me prisoner.

"Because of you, our dreams are ruined…" He continues, murmuring against my neck, as he ties me to the bed post. "And I let you ruin our dreams. Have you ever thought of Shuse and Levin, Hiro? …And me? When you decided to follow your heart… Have you thought about ours?"

It doesn't seem like what he will say… My eyes widen when I see his hand coming down swiftly, and then my cheek stings with pain. ..He slapped me. But, I see tears in his eyes.

…He'll stop if I plead him to, I think.

So I yell, I struggle, I plead.

….But he only looks at me, unmoved. "….You said you like to be hurt. ….I'll hurt you, if I can keep you here."

"…No…."

He doesn't even seem to hear it, as his nails dig into my skin. ….It hurts even more, it hurts so much more than when Hyde did it…. I scream, and, I think I'm even crying.

But he doesn't stop…..

I almost feel myself being ripped open.
 
 

I think I fainted. Maybe they called this sort blackouts, because my mind is only a piece of blackness inside. There's nothing, not even pain, but perhaps the memory of pain. …I think.

But, when I wake up… It's terrible. I can't move, it's like only the air is searing my wounds apart. It isn't existence at all… It's just pain…. I can't even breathe. It seems like someone reached into me and tore me up on the inside, as well.

He hadn't only cut me. I think he almost killed me….

God, there's so much blood, even more than I remember with Hyde. He…. He's trying to kill me.

…It hurts so much…

I almost want to cry again, but I remember how I cried yesterday, and pleaded, and struggled, but he didn't… He didn't even flinch. He didn't seem to enjoy it, either, there's no smile, just craziness. He's lost his mind…. He wasn't Koji. And I don't expect him to be this morning…

The curtain is drawn, and thankfully, I see no one around. Even though it's only my neck, it feels like I'm going to fall apart when I move.

I want to run away……..

I can't stand this pain, even if he's Koji. In my mind the image of Hyde flashes, but, she hadn't appeared when I was hurting so much. …Existence isn't equivalent to pain, I suppose…

It only comes from her, her whom I love…

Koji's crazy. He hurt me like that when he supposedly loves me as well…

I hear the sound of the garage door unfolding, and half of the room is filled with sunlight, from the bottom half of that opening. A figure bends and enters, then the light shuts out again, and I think I can see it from the edge of my vision.

…Koji.

Immediately I turn my head away, as if I can stop him from seeing my humiliated expression.

"….You're awake," His voice echoes through the place, and I wince. …He sounds like he's going to break down, too… "…Hiro."

I finally turn, to gaze at him coldly, to see if there's any difference from last night. But, the pain is still there in his eyes, and his face is expressionless. I try to speak, but I can't manage to without my voice breaking. "What."

"…." He decides to keep silent this time, and puts down whatever he is holding in his hands. He strides towards where the sink is, fills a cup with the tap water, and walks towards me. I hadn't noticed until now that he'd untied my hands earlier when I was sleeping, because I think I'm aching so much it's almost numb all over. He grasps my head, and tilts it slightly, pouring the water in dribbles down my throat.

That fucker. The water stings, and almost chokes me.

When I cough, he simply tilts it backward, and then tilts it forward again, like a fucking routine.

Then he moves away.

…Saturday. It seems…. Hadn't it been Friday that Hyde brought me with her? Fuck, I can't remember. It's been so long added up together, I can't even place my finger on….

……..Is that why Koji has gone crazy?

Crazy. Crazy. Crazy… The word rings in my head. So many times I've been called it; so many times.

"….Koji."

When I call him, he says nothing, but just turns away. When it's time for meals, he'd just feed me, because I can't move, and I can hardly sit up. I don't feel hungry anyway; I feel so nauseous. And then I shiver with such coldness, and my muscles seem to contort even through the pain. He seems to understand it, but he still feeds me.

And I puke it out into the bin which he holds for me.

Like this, for three days.
 
 

For the fourth day, I've gotten much better; I don't puke everything out, and I can move about. Even though it still hurts there. Inside. More than the cuts, or that tear, at any rate. I could have sworn, he must have tried to kill me in that way…

Still, I'm fine, I think.

Except that he won't look at me, and he goes to school. I don't even know how he got away with skipping classes. It's unfair because he's supposedly a good kid…

Wait, why am I thinking about that? School is such a long way away now.

Even though it's probably getting to his head as well.

Not like I don't understand it….

And I get really bored, but I don't want to do anything. When I can move, he tries to feed me, like the mechanical patient that I am, but I refuse to eat, and he doesn't push as well. I think I'm wasting, and I like that feeling. I hope I die soon in front of him so that he'll regret every single thing he's done to me.

I hate him.

No one loves crazy people. Not even me, now.

Of course, I don't die…..

I just waste away, like this.

With my craving for something deep inside me, and with my mental pain.

I don't even get to see Hyde, even though I think of her so much. ….And I don't want to speak to her, even.

Sometimes, I almost go insane, but… I can cope with the loneliness. In fact, when he isn't around, it's what I like most- the serenity, the sense of a hermit. It's so unfair; because I love to be cut off with the world….

Like how I've lived with Hyde……

I still think about her, I still feel so empty without her, but my hatred for Koji is much stronger.

Sometimes I want to kill him.

But I restrain myself……

He seems to have regretted it, maybe. But I still can't help feeling this way. He hurt me like that. He won't listen to me… Hyde did. Hyde wanted to listen to me.

Sometimes, I wonder if it'll work if I try to tell him.

But staring into his expressionless face, he doesn't even bother. So I don't.

….Time flies by………
 
 

I don't think he wants to become the criminal this time, or is it because he's already guilty of being the criminal? Still, I want to laugh, as he takes me to my father. That guy has come to America again. Back from home. Although it should be technically our home here since we migrated here….

Whatever.

Fuck it. When Koji brought me to my own home, I could barely walk.

Koji said that it was Hyde who did it. And I never really hear from Hyde again, because I'm locked in the cellar for so long… Months, weeks, I don't know. Just like the hermit I've always supposedly become. Even more so now, figuratively.

Then Mother tells me that Dad sent the police on her, and psychology problem is the major issue on hand.

Fucking Koji lied. He lied to people, that Hyde's the one who hurt me. Hyde didn't hurt me… She.. She was my existence.. Why can't people see that?!!

…But they let her go, because of international issues and whatnot. My mother tells me that they declared Hyde had no mental problem; so the doctors said after days' observation. And the legal issue was stopped by international issues, so they didn't. Mother also said that some money went through hands.

I don't fucking care.

Then Dad tells me, one day when he comes down by himself, that I'm going back to Japan, to live at my aunt's place. She's supposedly able to take care of me. She's a teacher who came over to America, and she's taking me there. I didn't see her for most of my life; the last photos I have of her is from when I was three.

…I don't care either……..

I can never see Hyde again anyway.

….Even more mechanically—

I flew on the plane. We stopped by Hong Kong on the way; it was only for a day and anyway there wasn't much except for tall, tall buildings. We went straight to the airport, and then we flew to Japan, me and my Aunt. She has a nice house in Wakayama.

…I heard that she had a daughter, but I didn't really expect to see a recognized face…..

"Hiro….?!" Those usually small eyes have grown so wide, as she stares at me, shocked.

"…..Ken…." I can't suppress the shocked feeling in my chest again.

I don't know whether it's good or bad, but we have a lot to talk about, and so prim-and-proper Aunt leaves both of us alone. She doesn't really listen to Manson, but she listens to Kiss, Cradle of Filth, NIN, London After Midnight…I'd thought she'd be a big fan of U2 and Sheena Ringo, but turns out thankfully she isn't.

…Oh yeah, she plays in a good rock band, too. Silly me.

She's supposed to take me around Japan when we have the time. I want to go to Tokyo, because there's more merchandise sandwiched around the stores there, so she somehow convinces Aunt to let me and her stay there for a while, and Aunt actually agrees.

She must be a genius debater.

I heard she got into university, but she isn't going to finish it if they ever get picked up by a major label. Hyde and Tetsu haven't arrived yet. She says they will, probably three days or so. …I don't know what I'll say when I see them again….. But I can't tell Ken that. She doesn't know anyway. Sakura is there, too. He lives in Tokyo, so instead of wasting money on accommodation, she makes me squeeze in with Sakura. There's only place for me. Anyway she said she has a boyfriend living here too.

I'll see him tomorrow.

Sakura really has lots of hentai things to say, but he can be serious if he ever wants to be. It seems like he's only half-serious about Ken, so I don't worry about his broken esteem. Although he says that he can be quite serious if he wants to be.

He has a job, so Ken comes over to fetch me and we start to walk. We buy many things. Things I've never imagined I'd get. And I find X's new single Kurenai… It's wonderful. Lots of CDs, lots of clothes, lots of snacks, lots of gizmos you can't get in the states. I don't even have time to feel sorry for myself, because she's there.

She's indeed a wonderful girl. Like Hyde. Although she's more of the outdoors type of person.

On the third day, her boyfriend has the entire day off, and didn't have to go to jamming sessions either, so she forced him to come along with us. He's kinda shy, really. His name is Yukihiro, and he's nuts about music as well.

Eh, all of us are.

We talk a lot, perhaps too much.

It's my first time, besides Lacryma…. That I've had friends.

And, it's not such a bad feeling, being a human.
 
 

Even though…..

Well, I don't know.

Hyde and Tetsu already arrived at Japan. I still think they're like angels, but Hyde refuses to speak to me…. It's heartbreaking, but, I can understand why. Ken doesn't try to persuade her either.

On the last day of our stay in Tokyo, we're already out of money for our lunches.

So, she takes me to this shop. It's pink, much too pink. When we both go in, I see one office man looking around at the tin cans. And Ken goes inside, and smiles at the tenin.

"Hello. I'm here to sell it." That's all she says, and she's lead into the back room. I look around, a bit, and I blush insanely when I see…uhm. The labeling. The other tenin stares at me weirdly, and then steps forward with a smiling face to ask what am I looking for.

I shake my head, stammering that I'm waiting for my friend.

It's a rather uncomfortable wait, but thankfully it's not too long. Ken comes out pretty soon, with a happy smile on her face, and leads me out of the shop.

"….You're blushing, Hiro," She remarks.

I swallow nervously.

"It's no big deal, actually. I mean, I've got extra panties. And we don't have to go hungry."

"I know… But….?"

"Yukki won't mind," She laughs. "No one's going to know who the hell who posed, and who once wore it. It's fun on both our parts. There. Happy?"

"….But…" I blush more.

"Ehh… Fine, pay for your own lunch then."

"I have no cash with me!" I protest.

She grins, and makes a face at me. We pause by the washing rooms, and she comes out later, telling me that it's more comfortable now.

I don't feel too comfortable, but I suppose it's because I'm a guy.

Coincidentally, the canned coffee brand which we have with our burgers says, "Fine Time Coffee brings belove you sweetest, creamest coffee. Creating your Fine Tea Time. C'est la vie!"
 
 

I go back to America for another two weeks; I told my dad I really enjoyed the stay at my aunt's, but we didn't want to impose on them too much. Although I have a dozen CDs with me now, to listen to, so I'm happy for a while.

Koji and I don't even talk to each other. But Shuse and Levin are still there, so it's okay. Taka's still as endearing as ever, and energetic.

Until it got knocked down by a car, and I almost cried.

Almost immediately, I rang Koji up. He apologized, and I forgave him so mechanically.

And Lacryma is together again.

I don't know when, maybe a month later, I receive a package from Ken. It's L'Arc~en~Ciel's new single, Floods of Tears.

Lacryma is going to release one soon…. Too. I don't know yet. We had some demo tapes, and those went over pretty well meanwhile.

Floods of Tears is really nice… It's so grand and gray, and overflowing.

Deep inside, I admire them from my heart. As people, and as musicians… …And I love Hyde, still.

Somehow, I can't forget her. But, I don't hurt anymore.

I mean, I have Lacryma.

Lacryma needs me; Hyde doesn't… That comforts me somewhat. Although I still feel kinda mechanical, because we're doing the things that we should be doing. Going along, I mean.

I miss that brand of "Fine Time" coffee.

What's funnier is that…. I meet this redhead named Taka about two more months later, when L'Arc~en~Ciel releases Dune. (Their first album… Ken told me she's already given up university and her mother's about to shoot her dead. I tell her to apologize, but she says she isn't going to. Anyway she's staying with Yukihiro.)

Taka is our vocalist, now. I don't have to sing, thankfully, because I really am too inferior to do so. I can't sing like Taka, as if it comes from himself. My guitar is, though. It's so much easier for me to stand at the back. With Taka's entrance, with the passing by of time, all of us changed….

And I don't feel like the sore thumb anymore.

Koji has learnt to act like our friend now… He's loud, and funny. It's like his true self has been exposed. Even though, I swear, I still see sadness in his eyes, and regrets. But he makes it up. …And he's really much happier. He grins a lot, when we're not around others.

And Shuse isn't charmed so easily by pretty girls anymore.

Levin's still cute, but he isn't so childish either. They're really pretty much the same… But, just I think, like Koji and I… They are much happier too.

……Angels… Who cares about angels?

World suffering… Violence… Each day, so many being hurt, betrayed, deceived and killed and discarded.

Such a world isn't worth existing……

Still, it exists, and that's all that matters. I'm not the one starving in Africa, although one time when the five of us watching TV in Koji's garage, when I saw them, I think my heart almost broke.

We don't have angels.

But we're still here…. Who knows what angels are like, anyway? Who knows if God isn't a sadistic creature?

We're still here…..

Even if our existence is mechanical, it's all that matters. We might as well do it while we're at it….

We'll let Lacryma release a single soon….

When we finally go back to play in Japan, I hope Ken, Sakura, maybe even Yukihiro will come.

Maybe Hyde won't, and Tetsu won't.

But….. Existence isn't all about a god living in your life.

..And neither is Living just Existence.

Ore no ikikata ga konna no.
___________________________________________________________________________________________

Tuesday, December 12, 2000 3:05:14 AM

Notes: Blehhhh… It was supposed to be much longer… And less positive.^^; But I really can't have the energy again. Recently, life sucks, and I have to work. Working as a salesgirl sucks. Family monetary problems suck. Am I the only one? Maybe not.

Ah well. I hope the judges for the contest will like it. *eyes falling out* Anyway the deadline is just due on the 15^th, and I haven't much time either. Might as well end it early before I get myself into shit face-down.

…I think I'm really…uhm… biased in this fic…hehe… Veggie cute… I want espresso…

Cash is such a big problem everywhere. Betrayal sucks worse. Hey, hey, hey. Life sucks. I wonder why is this so positive…^^; *sweat* I don't like it so much…. I almost slaved myself to death for this. *dies* Why am I so serious?^^;;; Bleh. Oyasumi. *falls flat on face* zzzz….

Anyway I was looking at the list of people whom I felt obliged to thank for supporting me before, and also now. It seems stupid though, to have a list, and to look at it and say, hey, what am I feeling unappreciated for. Anyhow, it just feels like no one cares. Anyway, I won't be continuing on Daydream with the Clouds, because I wrote it just to get comments. I admit that. I don't see the need to continue now.

Hidoko Matsumoto
http://xz0ne.cjb.net
voidmatsumoto@yahoo.co.uk