If reading from MSIE, right click, select "view source" to read this in Notepad.
Note: if reading from Notepad, go to View-> options-> text-> select "wrap to window". Works perfectly. Tis long.

Disclaimer: None of these have happened; the characters are fictitious or used in a fictitious manner, or just satirical in nature, and none of it is to be construed as true, aka I'm not slandering anyone, don't sue me. In the event of similarities and congruency, coincidences are always the scapegoats that one is looking for.

Oh! My Kyo!
21 Nov 2001, Wed
hidoko Matsumoto

Kyotopia is a land of the cool. In this land, the Kyoeths smoked marijuana and thought it was cool. The cooler ones did heroin, of course, because it was "cooler" and never got out of fashion. In this land of wonderous, the Kyoeths declared themselves a democracy, and the slogan was, "Equal rights for all, special rights for none."

In Kyotopia, there was a particular party that called themselves Dir en Grey. It was the leading party of Kyotopia, and because its leader declared itself the leader of the Third Reich, he renamed Gothopia as Kyotopia. Anyway, Kyo was in every sense as Gothic as Gothopia was, if not gothier. He declared himself Chancellor after the Reichstag fire and kicked aside President Yoshikiberg after the poor misled guy made an emergency law for him.

One day, Kyo summoned the rest of Dir en Grey to the Palace.

The treasurer, Toshiya Vajiravudh, reported, "The imports have exceeded the exports, because Kyotopia's population is growing too fast, your Kyoness."

The general, Kaoru bin Laden, reported, "The army's running out of money because too many jobless people have joined us and we're paying them too much, your Kyoness."

The Minister of Propaganda and Enlightenment, Shinya Goebbels (Kyo's highly esteemed right-hand man, who flew him around Kyotopia during the elections, when they still bothered to hold free elections), reported, "The people are worshipping you, your Kyoness, because I have convinced them peasants that your Kyoness will bring about prosperity and full employment. They're also looking forward to your carrying out of the Equal Rights bit. Plus, the extermination of the minority tribe, the Normals."

The Land Transport Authority's leadership, Die Chulalongkorn (reputed to have built Kyotopia's first railway, which ran from the North of Kyotopia to the South of Sugizlovakia) reported, "Aye, the population is growing so fast that we can't run enough trains, your Kyoness."

Kyo looked up from the young maiden's neck from a moment (Ah! His Kyoness' favourite snack--or at least he pretended it was, the blood of a young virgin), and stared sternly into their groins, "Well, there's a way for our Lebensraum without having to annex other countries. We shall join the League of Nations and sign the Paris Peace treaties, so that we'll be able to get our hands on...I mean, administer Sugizlovakia's overseas colonies."

Now, Sugizlovakia was once a rich country, but they lost the second Romworld War and so they were burdened with War Guilt. This gave the League of Nations specific, popular-opiniantedly-correct reasons to annex the country's resources without actually admitting that they were doing so. Kyo had built Kyotopia well with his *cough* At Night Go To Bed Campaign (carried out by Shinya Goebbels, of course, his favourite minister so far), and Rearmament campaign. That had so far helped to curb unemployment-- the hospital needed more doctors and nurses to deliver and the army was filled with lots of people.

Kyo smirked, "And we'll actually be able to get pieces of land from Tetsia for ourselves!"

Now, Tetsia was a land run by the leading political party (and of course the only one) by the name of L'Arc~en~Ciel in Tetsia. The people, in the Tetsian Civil War, had supported the L'Arc~en~Ciel as L'Arc~en~Ciel promised "Peace! Bread! Land!" for everyone. The Tetsians were convinced (aka bribed) into helping L'Arc~en~Ciel win the civil war, so now the regime came under Tetsu Lenin. Tetsu Lenin was a kind man with a gentle smile, except that his smile was absolutely petrifying when he was pissed off. Two important men in his leadership were the secretary, Hyde Stalin and the militarist, Ken Trotsky. Both of them were openly *cough* fighting for *cough* leadership *cough*-- by sending Tetsu Lenin flowers.

In Kyo's Mein Kampf, he had openly stated that he was going to get his Lebensraum from Tetsia and Sugizlovakia and Austinpowerstria. He began quoting, "We shall form a Greater Kyotopia! Mwahahahaha! And of course, after annexing Tetsia, I'll annex Tetsu as well!"

Exactly, this was what won him the elections (except for the "annex Tetsu" part, which the people didn't understand), but then, the rest of Dir en Grey had heard him rambling about it ever since they joined Dir en Grey.

"We'll just put them in extermination camps, your Kyoness, it'll be easier that way," Suggested Kaoru bin Laden.

"Then DO IT!" Kyo screamed. He hated to be disturbed when he was daydreaming. 

"Ah, such a sweet sound that doth soundeth in mine ears," Commented Toshiya Vajiravudh. In Kyotopia, screaming was the best music. Kyo himself was said to be talented in many ways.

Kyo swelled with pride. He picked up his mike,"While we're at it, we'll jam Room 304."

They began jamming. In Kyotopia music was the leading interest-- the military itself was music to the ears, and so was the sound of gunfire during a calvary charge.

BZZZT! CRACK! ZANG! TWANG! WANG! 

"Rowr rarrgh raarrrrgh faaaarrrgh ARF ARF RAAAAAAAAAAAAARFF!!!!"

BZZZZZZZZZZZT! DOK DOK DOK POK!! TWANG! BZTDOKPOKTWANGDOKTWANGPOK!!!

...And so on....

"And so, ends our meeting. Meeting adjourned."

The court was now empty, except for Kyo, who was amusing himself by screaming his head off.

***

In Tetsia, Tetsu Lenin sneezed.

"Who's thinking about me?" He wondered.

The door burst open and Hyde Stalin + Ken Trotsky came flying in through it. "Oh! Tetsu, Tetsu, wherefore art thou Tetsu?"

Tetsu Lenin ducked, and both Ken Trotsky and Hyde Stalin slammed into the wall. "Seems like there's nothing special," he concluded. "Well, the grain production has been dropping, and the peasants are very reluctant to grow grains after they've gotten their lands."

Hyde Stalin plucked his pancake self off the wall, bit a hole into his finger and began to blow. Air puffed into his pancake body and soon he was bloated again. He strode gallently over to where Tetsu Lenin was, and proclaimed, "I say, my dear Tetchan, the peasants are mere trash. We'll just stuff them up the extermination camps like Kyotopia did. It's easier."

"But--"

"No, no, my dear Tetchan, it has been hard to survive-- Oh! being the only communist country in the capitalistic world. We'll just get more land, and foreigners to work for us." Ken Trotsky suggested, kicking Hyde Stalin away into a corner. "Jirogapore is also employing this technique...er, I believe they call it foreign talents."

"Comrade, you mean," His smile wasn't fading, but his eyes could chill someone's blood. "Hmm, Jirogapore? It's just a red dot on the map, dear, and their citizens are sooooo daft they don't even know how to get themselves a job. Heck, they're too pampered, they don't even know what's it like our town workers have been through." Tetsu's eyes shone with compassion. "I say, to encourage the peasants to work hard, I'll introduce the New Economic Policy. That'll allow private trading, and they could trade for all anybody gives a damn, but we'll still remain in power and someday, we'll be able to establish a communist regime-- it's like abolishing debt-slavery, oh, you know. I've heard that Die Chulalongkorn suggested that it's needed to be done slowly and gradually-- like building a railway."

"That's in Kyotopia, my dear-- I mean, Comrade Tetchan," Hyde Stalin kneed Ken Trotsky in the shin and said, "Why don't we build extermination camps, and discourage capitalism by exterminating the Kulaks?"

"Why, good idea," Reflected Tetsu Lenin, "You'll carry out the idea, while I'll carry out the NEP. Seems like peasants these days, they're greedy for land, but they also want profit. How ironic."

He heaved a sigh, and looked out of the window. It was snowing outside; the peasants must now be so very cold and starving. At least, he reflected, no peasant in the right mind would believe L'Arc~en~Ciel's propaganda, and there was nothing so fake about it; they were communists and that was that. 

He'd heard Kyo was against communism, but then again, so was the rest of the world. He'd even watched one of Kyotopia's rallies, and it made him so sick (other than seeing the Black Makeup) to hear Kyo's screaming-- how could the Kyotopians consider that music to the ears? Besides, Kyo's ramblings made no sense-- they were out to repress the public, so what's the point of conning them that he's liberated the people and all that shit? Everyone knows the universal law of New Society-- Money Talks. Once Tetsia was rich and powerful, he'd even be able to convince Anchangtain and Franczer that it was ok to be communistic.

Besides, there was one thing about the Kyotopians-- they were ruthless. And Kyo was ugly and shorter than even Hyde was, and he didn't even have Hyde's gentlemanly charm. Yuck, Tetsu'd choose Hyde over Kyo--or any Kyotopian for that matter--any day.

***

In Kyotopia, it wasn't easy being a Normal. Kyotopia's specialty culture was Gothic, and other than Gothic, nothing else was tolerated. Except His Kyoness' weird obsession for Tetsian Tetsu Lenin, which was extremely, well, Ungothic/Unkyoethic (it could be used interchangeably, except that the term Goth was used to refer to barbarian culture as well, and HELL NO WAY were the Kyoeths barbarians-- the meaning was just MISINTERPRETED in the historical books).

Kaoru bin Laden reflected upon the fact that, well, if any Kyotopians had to be exterminated, it was the Normals. The Normals were absolutely disgusting; they controlled the country's economy, they led a better life than the Kyoeths in general, and... they were so frigging NORMAL! How could the Kyoeths, of Gothic origins, tolerate these people? Geez! 

He built extermination camps, and anyone seen without black macabre makeup was put into them. The extermination camps were damn solid, the walls were steel and lined with lead. At the door, a sign said "Radioactive", and flying freely in the air above the extermination camps were flags that said-- "Republic of Kyotopia. Equal Rights for All, Special Rights for None."

He pressed his ears against the walls and heard something like this:

"RAAAAAAAAARRRGH!! ARGH FFFFT! ARGHRARGH RAAAAHRF~~!!!"

"Ah, music to the ears," He commented.

***

Toshiya Vajiravudh was starting to have a headache. He itched, he bled, he twitched.

And he STILL couldn't come up with a perfect cast for the plot of the play that he was writing. For, being a man of *ahem* Aristocracy and a Patron of Fine Arts, he tended to do arty farty stuff, and the only reason that he was a treasurer was because of--"Wouldn't you look at the way the mint has been minted, oh Die Chulalongkorn, that came from the very mints that Father Hide Mongkut has set up?" And of course, being a man--make that a morphordite--of many talents and fine breed, he expected to be able to use his talents as and when he liked. So when his muse decided that Toshiya Vajiravudh could be untalented for one day, he went on a Cultural Roll. S--! F--! Look, he was so civilised, he even censored his thoughts.

Die Chulalongkorn entered the room, and gracefully, he pushed the heavy curtains aside... Except that... It didn't let him push it *aside*. Talk about wilful curtains.

"How many times have I told you, Toshiya Vajiravudh, not to use the Iron Curtain within the palace? I _know_ Tetsia's having a Cold War with Kyotopia, but it's only been the leaders, and anyway Kyo could kill even the Influenza viruses in his sinuses with his screaming." Die Chulalongkorn complained in exasperation (although Toshiya Vajiravudh had a bad hearing, ever since hanging out with Kyo's bunch), as he pried the Iron Curtain apart with his sword. It snapped, leaving Die Chulalongkorn staring at the silver-plated (C. Sharp Household Utensils Pte Ltd (TM), 3 Years' Guarantee, Made In China, All Rights Reserved)... er, half-sword, in disbelief. With sudden realisation, he fumbled for the hilt, and stared at the fine print. "Says here warranty'll last for three years. Lessee--" He consulted his palmtop at this point of time, "I bought it on the... 12:00 PM 25 Jun, 1010, and it's 12:01 PM 25 June, 1013..." He stood frozen for a moment, rolled his eyes, and threw the sword aside. 

Just as Die Chulalongkorn was getting ready to enter the room, someone clapped. He turned around to see that Shinya Goebbels was convincing the house cat (Black, 100% Gothic/Kyoethic) to applause as Kyo swallowed the half-sword.

"Wondrous, Your Kyoness!!" Shinya Goebbels was shouting, above the din that Kyo screamed, if only to add to the macabre effects of stomaching some sharp tip. His throat, Die reflected, must have made of some *extremely* thick High-Tech synthetic rubber. The cat looked at both Shinya Goebbels and Kyo, before it looked away haughtily. Shinya Goebbels glowered as soon as he saw that, and grabbed the cat by its collar. He spoke flintily, "Shall I send in the SS, Your Kyoness?"

The cat made good imitation of the Look that the Normals had when they were dragged to the extermination camps, and clapped.

Die Chulalongkorn rolled his eyes, "Your Kyoness, Toshiya Vajiravudh has brought home the Iron Curtain."

"Mmmph Grrrph Wmmmph," Kyo said vaguely, before he swallowed the entire knife. There was a crispy sound, like the Sabre Tooth Tiger chewing on sand (or ground glass). He swallowed, and burped. The sword's hilt came flying out of his mouth and landed on the cat's head. "Rowr."

"....|||" Die Chulalongkorn knew that Shinya Goebbels wouldn't do anything if it didn't help with Kyo's reputation and the voting results. He repeated, "Iron Curtain, your Kyoness!"

"Duh Ion Cuhfun?" Kyo replied in a hoarse voice, his large vampire-like eyes turning red. He latched onto the curtain and ripped it apart with his teeth. 

Shinya Goebbels and the fainted cat clapped. Die Chulalongkorn could only marvel at the strength of His Kyoness' teeth. 

"Your Kyoness!" Toshiya Vajiravudh exclaimed, "I just figured out something-- if I could spend 8% of the country's income for your wedding ball, we could increase the reputation of Dir en Grey!"

"Tetsu! Tetsu! Wherefore art thou Tetsu?" Kyo turned into a bat and began to flit about (literally) high and low for his beloved, who *might* be hidden anywhere behind the Iron Curtain.

"I'm sure he's in Tetsia, your Kyoness," Toshiya Vajiravudh said tartly, as he rumpled the pages of his notes, "And your Kyoness, I've figured out two things-- that names actually have feminine and musculine tendencies. Why, your Kyoness' name just _begs_ a girl to marry you, and Die Chulalongkorn speaks of steel armour. Kaoru Bin Laden should exchange his name with Die Chulalongkorn. Of course, though, Toshiya Vajiravudh and Shinya Goebbels sound feminine, and should be names of females instead, so why don't I change my name to Toshi and Shinya Goebbels change HIS name to Shinyan~n?"

His Kyoness and Die Chulalongkorn swelled with pride.

"Excusez Moi," proclaimed Shinya Goebbels, "Oh Minister of Finance Lord Almighty, surely Father Hide Mongkut knew what gender I was when he gave me my name."

"As a matter of fact, Father Hide Mongkut _always_ thought I was a girl," replied Toshiya Vajiravudh, "And thus taught me to be a playwright. _He'd_ always said _I'd_ be Shakespeare II."

"Sure, and _I'll_ be Van Gogh," Shinya Goebbels rolled his eyes.

Die Chulalongkorn glanced at Kyo, only to see him hanging from the ceiling, sighing forlornly.

"What's the matter, Your Kyoness?" Die sighed, deciding that Shinya Goebbels and Toshiya Vajiravudh could always sort out their gender confusion by themselves.

"'Tetsu Lenin' has always sounded feminine to me," Confided Kyo, "And so's 'Tetsia'. Of course, I'd prefer Tetsu Lenin to call me 'Your Gothiness' instead of 'Comrade', and he'd look so MUCH better with black makeup, like the good old days..."

".........." Die Chulalongkorn rubbed his forehead. "What were you saying about the treasury, Toshiya Vajiravudh?"

"Oh, that," Toshiya Vajiravudh suddenly came back to life again, "I was writing the play about an almighty, omnipresent Chancellor--that'd be Your Kyoness, and the lovely maiden who'd play Tetsu, but of course as a substitution, Yours Truly would play the part--"

"Er, so...?" When Toshiya Vajiravudh tried to explain anything seriously, nobody got what he meant. The ears just develops a *life* of their *own*, and automatically gave a message in the form of the Blue Screen of Death: "Press CTRL + ATL + DEL To Restart. Press Any Key To Terminate Current Application." Which, when it was all hopeless, would appear to give a false sense of hope by giving you the illusion that you could *actually* *terminate* the goddamned application.

***

PM Hisashi Goh *always* had a hard time running Jirogapore. Well, for one, it wasn't as if the immigrants were easily satisfied, and THEN, there was always the pesky Opposition Party.

"So much for democracy," He eyed the chairs with disdain, "And Asian assets."

"Whassamattuh," SM Jiro Lee droned, looking up from his very own copy of Memoirs of Jiro Lee.

"Well, the Opposition Party (Led by Marilyn Manson, who recently challenged PM Hisashi Goh's position, which he felt was ABSOLUTELY barbaric-- how could anyone even stand up to the Glay's Inertia Party?) is such a pesky thing. ESPECIALLY the Democratically Manson Party. Why, they don't even have proper speeches written down, and their English just undermines our Speak English Campaign," If there was one thing that PM Hisashi Goh loathed, it was Bushie English. English like that set fire in the countryside (or what was left of it) during the dry season (which, in a tropical red dot like Jirogapore, was All Year Around).

"They think they need an opposition to check on us, so they have it," Replied SM Jiro Lee with a smirk, "But as once we find out about Marilyn Manson's past, like if he ever stole a cent, told a lie, sent in a fake MC, tried to get into an R(A) theatre when he was underage, imported 0.0001g of Marijuana, or created a din in any Catholic Adoration Room-- we'll reveal his past to the press, and say that he's a bad example."

Well, you didn't become SM for nothing, thought PM Hisashi Goh. First you have to go through the PM stage-- Primarily Masochistic -- before you could actually graduate to a higher level of Secondarily Masochistic. Of course, with Secondary Masochism you attained a higher level of being able to directing it at others rather than yourself. "That's words of gold, SM Jiro Lee."

"And if that doesn't work, we'll just sue him for slander," SM Jiro Lee laughed, "Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. I didn't put that in my Memoir, because only _we_ can do it. BESIDES, we could always threaten not to upgrade their flats and get their LTA branches to close up their MRT stations. Oh-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho."

Normally, that kind of laughter was reserved for Santa Claus, but when SM Jiro Lee used it, PM Hisashi Goh felt a chill down his spine. It's cold, he deduced. After all, it's Christmas soon. And I can't say SM Jiro Lee caused it because he'll sue me for slander-- he wouldn't have such cold breath, would he?

***

Kaoru Bin Laden had always had a knack for conquering things. He'd studied the 35 Skills in the Art of War--well, his Kyoness had been hungry and ripped out the last page.

"INVADE!" He called, and whispered to Shinya Goebbels, "We could always call it Liberation of the People later, right?"

Shinya Goebbels thought for a moment, and shrugged, "So far rewriting history and biology has been successful in dealing with Kyoeths. They don't give a damn so long as we give them a reason to believe that we're doing something right."

Kaoru Bin Laden's mouth curled up in a horrific smirk-- the kind that you get in *very* cliched movies-- and Laughed a Villian Laughter... that of course, sent chills down the reader's spine.

***

Kyo was pretty happy when he'd heard of Kaoru Bin Laden's plan. So far, Austinpowerstria and Sugizlovakia had been conquered rather successfully-- Franczer and Anchangtain had done nothing to stop his attempts. Sugizlovakia was rich in materials, and they were overall, weak. Kyo loved weak and small countries the way he loved weak and small maidens with pale necks.

Without having to admit that they were actually being annexed, of course.

The next target was Franczer, and then... Tetsia. Then the world! And Tetsu Lenin wouldn't look down at him any more (figuratively, for literally it was impossible to achieve given His Kyoness' height).

Kyo threw his head back and lauuuughed.

***

Franczer was in a mess. Mana Clemenceau was horrified by the way things were going. Oh yes, she was! Anchangtain had sent help, but alas, she only regretted not sending help to Austinpowerstria and Sugizlovakia earlier, and won the trust of Tetsia.

"Tetsia holds the balance of power," Anchang Lloyd stroked his chin, looking extremely profound, "Only thing being that Hyde Stalin's recent purge has rid Tetsia of the best men." He'd even heard that Ken Trotsky was killed in the Night of Long Knives.

"We'll send a telegram," Said Mana Clemenceau, who couldn't return to her own palace should her country be annexed. 

Besides, she hated Kyo to the core-- how could such a short person claim to be Gothic? Goths were lanky! Vampires were *supposed* to be lanky! Well, had it been Kaoru Bin Laden who ran Kyotopia, Mana Clemenceau might consider actually staying in Franczer. That guy didn't just believe in rearmament, he believed in Rearmament; he didn't just believe in annexation of countries, he believed in Annexation of Countries. But nooooooo, it had to be Kyo, who basically did nothing but quoted the stupid plays that Toshiya Vajiravudh wrote. 

Beeeeesides, there were rumors running amok about Mana Clemenceau and Kyo, which was absolutely horrifying, given their height difference. Mana Clemenceau thought, with a smirk on her face, Well, anybody at groin height with sharp fangs could surely do well in a fight. 

***

"We must prevent Tetsia from attacking from the East, your Kyoness," Confided Kaoru Bin Laden.

"I thought you said you wanted to set up a Mukden Incident in Macau and..." Kyo couldn't finish. He was almost gurgling with joy, "We'll kidnap Tetsu Lenin and the country, without such a beautiful leader, would cease to be in existence! THEN you can invade!"

What kind of logic was that? Kaoru Bin Laden allowed himself to smile as wide as possible, "Your Kyoness, surely it'll happen, but first we must prevent them from fighting against *us* in the meantime."

"What'll keep them from attacking?" Kyo shook his head, "Besides my charm and wit--"

"As a matter of FACT, your Kyoness," Kaoru Bin Laden hissed, "A pact of neutrality will do it."

"Wow! That's all? I could have Tetsu Lenin as my bride soon?"

"Er, after 18 months' time when we've finished annexing Anchangtain and Franczer."

"Nothing's perfect," Kyo sighed, "We'll do it your way."

***

Meanwhile, on Tetsia's side...

Tetsu Lenin paced up and down, sweat running down his forehead. "When I told you to purge, I didn't tell you to do away with Ken Trotsky as well!"

Hyde Stalin looked up innocently, "My dear--er, I mean, Comrade Tetsu Lenin, thou never said to NOT do anything to Ken Trotsky."

"Well, what exactly did you do to him?" 

"I declared the office a collectivisation farm, and he ran away to Anchangtain," Hyde Stalin grinned. "The collectivisation idea's been working so far. Half the mice in the office's starved to death, and the other half's ran away. And we save money on bullets."

Tetsu Lenin smacked his forehead, "I knew it."

"Meanwhile, I'll introduce a Five Year Plan Version 2.0, Comrade Tetsu Lenin," Hyde Stalin wrapped an arm around Tetsu Lenin's thin waist, and spoke craftily, "Three Years' Guarantee, 100% workable, no glitches whatsoever, a definite improvement from Five Year Plan Beta. It'll only cost the treasury some billions, but we'll keep the economy running, and besides, for every billion that Comrade Tetsu Lenin's spent on the Five Year Plans, I'll issue a stamp on your membership card, and once it's done, you'll get a 10% redemption in vouchers."

"Er, I'd heard that Comrade Hyde Stalin's been pretty good in the area of propaganda..." Tetsu Lenin tried to inch away from wandering hands.

"Well, upon purchase of Five Year Plan Version 2.0, we'll give away a free gift. Currently we're offering utensils. 100% Stainless Steel, that'll be the envy of your friends when you invite Britney Spears to dinner."

"I --ing hate Britney Spears!" Tetsu Lenin could barely restrain himself from just killing the --ing Secretary. He didn't use a dash and an "ing" much. "Besides, I don't see how you could only have a 3 years' guarantee for a Five Year Plan." He wriggled free. "And don't TOUCH me!"

"Uh, and a 10 years' exemption of Comrade Tetsu Lenin from the vices of Hyde Stalin," He said, without missing a beat.

"Well, I'll consider that. I might invite Enya, though."

"On the contrary," Hyde Stalin confided, wrapping BOTH hands around Tetsu Lenin's waist, "Kyo of Kyotopia has already invited you to sign a treaty with him. You could use the table utensils to stake him in the heart and cut away his head."

Tetsu Lenin shook himself free, "I'll take the Five Year Plans, and in the meantime, I don't *need* The table utensils-- I know how to deal with him. I'll just declare the office a collectivisation farm, and he'll either starve to death or run away." 

***

In Kyotopia's capital, Kyoerlin.

"Make sure that Toshiya Vajiravudh doesn't use iron as the main curtain material again!" Kyo ordered, "And if he does, tell me when he arrives so that I'll bite my way through the curtains. Is his flu okay? No more in danger of a Cold War?"

"I should think so, your Kyoness," Die Chulalongkorn raised an eyebrow, as he wondered how could flu viruses survive in Kyo's throat anyway..

Toshiya Vajiravudh sashayed in at this moment, "I've replaced the Iron Curtain with gold, your Kyoness. Iron rusts very quickly."

Kaoru Bin Laden looked like he was about to faint. "And how much does that cost, Toshiya Vajiravudh?"

"As a matter of fact, merely 12% of the treasury," Toshiya Vajiravudh(note1) proclaimed proudly, "It was on discount."

Die Chulalongkorn made a mental note that Kaoru Bin Laden looked worse than Kyo when he was about to murder. As far as he'd been concerned, the treasury was left with about 28% of the original capital from before Toshiya Vajiravudh took charge.

"Dude!" Shinya Goebbels burst in. The Gold Curtain now bore a shape of a man rushing through it. "I mean, your Kyoness--"

"What?" His Kyoness blinked, "He's here, isn't he? He is, isn't he?" *POOF* He turned into a bat and began flitting up and down in joy.

"Your Kyoness, we're supposed to discuss about--" Kaoru Bin Laden said stiffly.

"Couldn't we just kidnap him now? Oh, the veins on his white neck, the most beautiful comrade I've ever seen, even if he isn't Kyoeth!"

Die Chulalongkorn froze, "Your Kyoness! In Mein Kampf-- You said--"

"Well, yeah, the Lesser Races part, right?" Shinya Goebbels reached into his ridiculously small pocket and fished out a ridiculously big book, "Lessee, Chapter 12 of Mein Kampf, I should assume..."

"Nothing normal should be accepted." Or something. Die Chulalongkorn was never one for details. "But just look at Tetsu Lenin, your Kyoness! He wears... orange! No Kyoeth in the right mind would look at anyone in ORANGE CLOTHES!"

"And Orange's a wimpy colour," Snorted Kaoru Bin Laden. "I'd so much as rain oranges onto the Mukden WTC rather than eat any."

Kyo looked at his hands. "Well, I guess after biting him his clothes'd be all red, right?"

"Oh, my Kyo!" exclaimed Shinya Goebbels, and he began clapping.

Everyone *else* was dumbfounded. Well, he made sense, for once.

"Er," Tetsu Lenin stood by the doorway. Crickets chirped. He cleared his throat, "Ahem, comrades--"

"Oh, Tetsu Lenin! Deny Tetsia and refuse Hyde Stalin! For Tetsu Lenin were, were Tetsu Lenin not--" Kyo recited the part that Toshiya Vajiravudh had ripped off from Shakespeare. With the box office sales of Romeo and Juliet, Toshiya Vajiravudh couldn't be wrong.

"Er..." Tetsu Lenin's eyes were wide.

"I'm glad to see that the Cold War has been over, Monsieur Tetsu Lenin," Proclaimed Toshiya Vajiravudh icily. 

"Why, yes, Monsieur Toshiya Vajiravudh," Tetsu Lenin's smile resumed its place. "It's been a pleasure to enter a palace of peevish schoolboys who's joined with maskers and revellers(note 2)."

"Of Mice and Men, on the contrary," Kaoru Bin Laden said stiffly, "Of Mice and Men. If men weren't like mice, then there'd be nothing for John Steinbeck to write about, would there?"

"Oh, and if there wasn't any raving *fools* around, Shakespeare wouldn't be a hit, would he?" Tetsu Lenin turned towards Kyo with sparkling eyes, "In my humble opinion, really. No offense meant."

Kyo turned very red. Ah! What lovely eyes! He turned very very VERY red, and finally melted. The Gold Curtains sizzled and so did they. Soon the entire palace was in flames, and poor Tetsu Lenin, who was alone, was hapless. He watched as flames (caused by extreme internal combustion that originated from Kyo) engulfed the room, and suddenly he had an idea.

"Rowwwwrrr raaaaaarrrghhhh pain!!!!"

Clap Clap Clap--"Oh, my Kyo!" 

"Shut up, you @)(!@*!~)#@ Shinya Goebbels! We're burning...bbb gluuurrrgh buh."

Sizzle sizzle crack crack.

Just as the fire advanced on Tetsu Lenin.... His wits clicked in place, and he proclaimed, "I declare the path along which I'm going to walk a collectivisation farm!"

Sizzle! If Moses parting the Red Sea was a sight, then Tetsu Lenin parting the Fiery Sea was more of one.

***

As it was turned out, with the death of the Dir en Grey party, Kyotopia was easily captured by Tetsia's armed forces, and Comrade Hyde Stalin was running things pretty well... When suddenly...

*poof*

"Hello, I'm Little Prince from Little Land, draw me a sheep, wouldn't you?" It was a little pierrot boy with large, earnest eyes.

Comrade Hyde Stalin, who hadn't an idea, asked, "What happened, my dear-- I mean, Comrade Tetsu Lenin? You've shrunk!"

The boy blinked. "I'm not Comrade Tetsu Lenin, I'm the Little Prince!"

"Oh, stop lying. I know that Comrade Tetsu Lenin's been laden with my son-- oh, look, how much you resemble Comrade Tetsu Lenin! From now on, he isn't a comrade-- he's my wife!"

"Eh?" The boy asked innocently.

"You're Little Tete! Call me Daddy, Lil Tete!"

"Er, if I call you Daddy, you'll draw me a sheep, wouldn't you?" The child was adament.

"I'll draw you anything you want. Come on, call me Daddy."

"Daddy!"

......and so, Hyde Stalin confronted Tetsu Lenin, who had no idea of who the little boy was, although he supposed that since he looked so much like him he'd better take responsibility. After all, where would Tetsu Lenin be if he didn't take up responsibilities like running the country? The next day, they married (although there was a dispute between Hyde Stalin and Tetsu Lenin between who was to be husband and wife--Hyde Stalin succeeded in being the husband, and Tetsu Lenin the wife, in the confusion). 

Suffice to say, well, they lived... er, relatively happily ever after, until...

***

As we all know, with the death of Dir en Grey, a new force rose.

It was... Kaoru Bin Laden! He wasn't killed in the Kyo Internal Combustion (Unprogrammed) Programme, of course, because he had rather craftily followed Tetsu Lenin's path and declared his way an Extermination camp for Non-Kyoeths.

Except that, with the recaptive of Anchangtain and Franczer and the expansion of Tetsian empire, all Kyoeths were being discriminated against. The Witch Movement was going on, and Kyoeths,being the brunt of all Normals' anger, were burnt at stakes or the like.

Kaoru Bin Laden took a risk. He bought a ship, and sailed away West... Until one day, he reached land.

"Ah! At last! After my long voyage! I'll declare this the Land of the Free! Free from all prejudices and witch-hunting, where all men are equal!" He smiled blissfully. "I'll call this... Er, the United States of Kaorica."

Something ruptured his bliss.

"Ah! Foreigner! Welcome to the Great Land, we're having Thanksgiving, and let's give thanks to the Great Spirit! Here, have some corn." The Natives of the land grinned.

"Great Spirit?" Kaoru Bin Laden's mind was laden with thoughts. You're barbarians! Witches!! But I'll take the corn anyway, thank you all the same. "Thank you for your hospitality."

He took the corn, built a stake and tied them there. Fire burnt them away pretty well. 

He grinned, as he watched fire consume the stake, "In this empire, if I see any more of these natives, I'll make them slaves! Mouwahahahahhaha!"

***

4 years after the WWII, the United States of Kaorica had risen into the world's superpower. Tetsia had been stronger, too.

Except that...

US. Kaorica and Tetsia were archenemies. Kaoru Bin Laden hated Tetsu Lenin for making Kyo self-combust (what would he have done without such a wondrous vocalist?) and Tetsu Lenin hated Kyoeths in general.

In the fifth year, US. Kaorica issued a plan by the name of Marshall Plan. The message of the Marshall Plan was clear-- to help Europe recover from WWII, of course, and to destroy communism by forcing a system of democracy onto the countries who accepted it. Well, it was money by billions of USD. It was alot, to say the least. At that time, US Kaorican Dollar was worth 1 Anchangtain Pound. So far, Anchangtain and Franczer had accepted it. So had Sugizlovakia and Austinpowerstria-- all countries in the west.

As for Tetsia...

Three years well into the second Cold War, Tetsu Lenin had retired, and so did Hyde Stalin, after their marriage. Sakura Putin came into power (in other words, left to deal with the shit that everyone else left in the previous administration). During his administration, Kaoru Bin Laden crashed two planes into a Tetsugrad Building which consisted of 2 towers, and declared it an accident. 

"We'll also be sending food rations the colour of bombs too-- neon. It's up to the ordinary citizen to decide, but of course, we're all doing this in the name of Human Rights," Proclaimed Kaoru Bin Laden, President of the United States of Kaorica.

Sakura Putin, of course, abdicated, and what came after of Tetsia was that it disintegrated. The independant states wanted to be part of the Marshall Plan, and thus declared themselves Republics, away from communist rule. The truth was, ideologies of equality and freedom didn't matter when personal profit was involved.

***

PM Hisashi Goh was perplexed.

"Shall I accept the Marshall Plan, SM Jiro Lee?"

"Why, are we broke?"

"No, but we're kiasu," PM Hisashi Goh knew very well what it took to be a Jirogaporean. First you had to be kiasu--scared of losing, then you had to be kiasi--scared of dying. "And besides, we might be mistaken for being communistic if we don't take strong measures against parliamentary democracy."

"Er, the Marshall Plan, on the contrary, *encourages* parliamentary democracy. Well, it's a weak word-- to be more precise, it's an imperialistic power who's bent on having every country run the same way so that they could gain financially without communism standing in their way. But if we were to speak in front of them, it's for the good of humanity and done in the name of human rights."

"Thanks for reminding me. I'll someday make the fatal mistake of saying that it's a bribe in front of Kaoru Bin Laden. The man's scary. So, take it or not, leh?"

"Take it, of course. We're already a Republic. Whether we actually *really* enforce it or not, that's not up to the US.Kaorican to decide. Besides, we don't have 2 tall towers for them to level. We only have one, and that's not a business center, but a hotel."

***

Meanwhile...

"Tetsia could rot for all anyone gives a damn, but not us," quoted Tetsu Lenin.

"And why?" Echoed Lil Tete, "'Coz I've got you to look after me and you've got me to look after you, an' that's why! Now tell me about the rabbits and the Alfafa patches, Papa!"

"Yes! And you're the prince of the Little Communist land, and we'll have cream so thick you can hardly cut it--" Hyde Stalin cheered.

Well, they were running a tiny farm in Jirogapore. Hyde Stalin hadn't used the word "collectivisation" so they were all relatively safe, and PM of Jirogapore welcomed "Foreign Investment". The truth was that since Jirogapore hadn't much to let people invest in, since it was just a red dot on the map (well, and the fact was, the red dot was proportionally larger in the world map than Jirogapore was to the real world). It was just a bunch of money floating around in expensive shares and high costs of living.

And of course, as compared to Kaoru Bin Laden who died a sudden and horrible death somehow (although nobody knows how-- it was said that the Northern Alliance from Antartica assasinated him, and liberated the United States of Kaorica into Mere States of Kaorica) and the once-native slaves began to liberate *themselves*... Tetsu Lenin and Hyde Stalin and Lil Tete lived happily ever after, because their consciences weren't running after them with parang knives and suicidal pilots-in-loaded-planes.

-end-

(note 1): It was said that the only favour that Toshiya Vajiravudh did for his country was by dying. Quite rightly so.
(note 2): With reference to Julius Caesar and Of Mice and Men. As for the wearing orange part, seeing a Goth/Kyoeth wear orange is like hearing cows sing "drown me in rapturous gravy".

23/11/2001

http://xz0ne.cjb.net
voidmatsumoto@yahoo.co.uk