"Naa, why do you let people
call you 'Tetchan'?"
It was late at night, when
brains were ticking, and when bodies were unable to move from lethargy.
"…"
I waited.
"Why not?" He said after a
while, "Doesn't it suit me?"
"It suits you," I reassured
him, pressing my mouth against the phone as I stared into the darkness.
That was a long time ago. Ten
years, at least, right after we met.
At first I've always had a
problem calling him Tetchan, and getting adjusted to his calling me "Hacchan".
Alright, I told him, but it's "Haido-kun" in public.
"Haido-kun," he repeated after
me, brows creased. "Hac—ido-kun."
Gradually it evolved to "Doihachan."
I could barely restrain myself from strangling him sometimes, and we ended
up slung on the couch, laughing. Then it became "Doihataro". Then "Doi
Hachirou".
We told everyone that it was
my real name. What a great joke.
But it was also my real name.
As much as "Hacchan" is.
He is such a strange person.
I've never seen a guy as cute as he is, even now. I don't want to talk
to him, after I've hurt him so much. When we stared at each other, such
as at the backstage of Yukki's solo live, I wished he didn't look so tired,
so worn out.
Maybe it's my fault.
Draining his life on the thorn
I left in him.
"Don't smoke so much, smoking's
bad for health, Hacchan," He'd say. But I've never once heard him say,
"Don't smoke, Hacchan. I don't want you to smoke." But it's different for
Yukki. There was a time when he insisted that Yukki stop drinking coke
and eating tidbits, because of his toothache. When he saw Yukki sneaking
a bar of chocolate, he'd even thrown Yukki's chocolate away and Yukki could
only gaze at him with a surrendered look.
I'd envied Yukki, back then.
But of course, even Tetchan
couldn't stop Yukki's chocolate fixes. It's almost like having drugs; that
was about the only thing he lived on. I know what drugs are like. Trust
me.
If I was Yukki, I would have
stopped. Because he insisted.
Those were times when I stared
at Tetchan, trying to figure out what's going on in his head. There always
were times like that. Such a beautiful person, but so far away. You couldn't
ever know what goes on inside his skull. It's not like you can know what
goes on inside everyone's head, but, perhaps one should be given a chance
to know when one actually cares enough to want to know.
But I suppose it's the same
for him.
I know it's mutual.
…The distance.
Sometimes I'd go with him on
a drive. We took our turns on the road. I could hear him laugh as the summer
wind brushed by our heads, warm and balmy. After we reached his mansion
I would say, "I wonder if Hawaii is like that." He would smile, and nod,
"I think it should be. Wouldn't you like to go there?"
"I'd like to."
Go there with you, on a drive
like this.
He never called me "Hacchan"
in public. Because he knew I'd be really mad if he did.
I told him to stop fooling
around with Ken. It was an eyesore to have to watch them flirt with each
other, in childish little ways, when we went for a drink. And he tried
not to.
All the while…
All the while, in the other
hotel room, I was being screwed by Sakura, till our brains were sundried
like raisins. Tetchan knew. I made it as promiscuous as possible. Loud
cries, anything. Even inside the bathroom when Tetchan's outside in the
same hotel room. Anything that would make him confront me.
He didn't, but he knew.
When I came out of the bathroom,
he was staring at me with twinkling eyes. His nose was red. Sakura excused
himself, and left us alone.
That was about the first time
I've really hurt him. I'd enjoyed it, seeing that I mattered to him. He
tried to keep stoic, but he could barely stop as tears fell, and even then
he was still trying not to let me notice.
Didn't he think that I would
notice? I just didn't want him to know that I did.
But he didn't say anything
about it. He'd asked, in as a casual a tone as he could possibly have,
"So, what about me?"
And I'd tried to say as nonchalantly
as I could, "You know I don't love anyone else but you."
"Really…" He'd smiled. It was
a dry, brittle smile, but he'd immediately said, "Well, why don't we have
some red wine? There's wine in the bar."
It was the truth, but I'd made
it sound like a lie. And he didn't believe it, I know.
What can I do? It was the only
way to know if he cared for me.
Even Sakura knew what I wanted, but not him.
And to think I wrote him a thousand
love letters.
Each in blood, a thousand
The feeling that I'd had with Sakura was mutual. He was intelligent, and I was drawn to intelligence. He knew lots of scientific and mathematical stuff that made me go wow. On late afternoons we would discuss, in his apartment, ideas about the dimensions and all. Often his theories astounded me.
At least.
"You're a slut," he would tell
me, in that bitter-sweet voice of his. "You sway in front of everybody,
like candy, but nobody can ever touch you. Not even Tetsu."
"Really," I'd laughed.
He pushed me down on the couch,
and we tongue-kissed. At the back of my mind was Tetchan's silhouette.
Such a cute person.
It was a mutual lust. There
was friendship, and incredibly lustful attraction, but that was all. It
wasn't the kind of attraction that I'd had with Tetchan.
Sometimes, just watching him,
I felt filled. Or even saying his name. But I wanted something more than
that. Something more. We went on drives, because he liked it. We could
even drive around the world, if he wanted, except that all roads led nowhere.
We talked about a lot of things
under the sun. Fashion, dresses, artists. We even talked about the weather.
I didn't have to talk about deep things with him, but I felt comfortable
talking about trivial things. With Sakura it was different. With Sakura—
And to think I've hurt him
so much, too—
With Sakura we talked about
deep things. That was all we talked about, if he wasn't screwing me.
I got screwed
In all sorts of positions we
could possibly think of. All sorts of ways.
Meanwhile, Tetchan had looked
at me funny, when I tried to wrestle him into another position.
"Stop it," He'd gasped, eyes
half-closed, "It's great this way."
I knew Tetchan liked colourful
things. He liked to wear colourful stuff. He's a sort of chameleon, if
it could be said to be like this.
There are many sayings regarding
opposites, such as "opposites attract". But Sakura had a slightly different
theory.
"Like the North and the South
pole," Sakura would say, "Without one there can't be another. Sometimes
I think I'm on the north and he's on the south, and we're both on the north
pole together."
Sakura and I, we could even
jump off cliffs, together.
But if it was Tetsu, because
I was the north pole and he was the south, I would drag him along. Even
if he didn't want to. And it would be because I'd want to know if he wanted
to, or not.
Sometimes, he'd ask, in that
sad voice of his, "Do you really want to try a new position? I could...
try."
I'd smile, and touch his face,
and he would turn away. I knew he was crying, because his shoulders trembled
slightly. But he always pretended that he wasn't.
Beautiful, even in afterglow.
Especially in afterglow.
I would
I would pierce through his
heart
I would drag him along with
me. Down the abyss.
His falsetto voice is so girl-like. Androgynous, and beautiful
Until all was gradually lost.
Until he broke away from me entirely.
I kept hurting him, you see.
When Sakura was gone, everything
became fine. He thought I was hurt, but I wasn't. Although, sometimes late
at night, when I turned my back towards him, I covered my sobs by biting
into my own hand. When I stopped, I could watch his face, and again I would
feel fine.
That was the period of time
when I loved him even more. I loved him so much, he could almost be my
mother.
"Tetchan," I called him, "Can
I come over?"
His mansion's number stared
back at me, as the voice answered, "Sure."
It took about two seconds.
Pin~ Pon~ He opened the door, eyes wide with surprise.
Until Yukki came into the picture.
Then I realised what jealousy
was. "Wagamama"
It was full of "a", hard consonants
that bite hard on the tongue. PH15, if words could be said to be acidic
or alkaline.
Not at all. All I want to do is hold you till sundown—
Until
"I've heard your album," I told
him on the phone, after I saw him at the onsen.
I'd told Megumi to go home
first; I had important things to do.
Pretty things, they were. Pretty
things that could help me have children. I like children, so that I could
bring them up properly. I'd make sure that they only like pretty things,
and that's all. Pretty things that laugh and cheer you up.
Not like Tetchan. He can only
hurt, simply by being so cute. So beautiful.
Although, logically speaking,
if you wanted, pretty things can be seen as cute, or beautiful, too. But
I see it as a different thing.
She wasn't very happy about
that, but she did as I said.
I waited there till he came
out. It was rather cold, although not as cold as winter—and he came out,
with two friends. One of them was the DJ from Flying L'Arc Attack.
And I had so much to tell him.
Sakura had this theory that all humans were selfish. He'd said that even if humans wanted to connect with each other, it would be for their own sake. Even if humans wanted to give, it would be because they couldn't stand being lonely. Because there was something they wanted by giving.
Why not break away, completely?
"Tetchan," I call him, "Can
I come over?"
His mansion's number stares
back at me, as the voice answers, "Sure."
It takes only two seconds.
Pin~ Pon~ He opens the door, eyes wide with surprise.
And hear your laughter ringing with the wind.
"Hacchan," His eyes are terrified.
I wrote you a thousand love letters. With traces of my soul.
Instead, I just asked for his
phone number. I felt silly, having to do that after so many years. It's
almost like learning to write hiragana all over again. But you see, the
number I had in my handphone wore out. He changed his number many times,
and I hadn't been talking to him... He'd looked so tired, and he kept adverting
my gaze when we saw each other at Yukki's backstage.
He gave it to me.
He'd looked surprised, almost
happy to see me. His eyes twinkled because of me. I'd like to think so,
at least. It's not like I'd know exactly if he really was happy to see
me...
And we'd talked on the phone.
"I've heard your album," I
told him.
"How is it?"
"Sounds great." Sounds lonely
and jaded. Often, after it comes to nearly the end, it becomes sour, because
it decomposes, and nothing lives.
Then, I asked him, "Are you
sad?"
He laughed, "Why would I be?"
So much, so many things
"Don't, Hacchan—" His eyes are so terrified.
It was then that I felt something breaking away—
In 1996, we compared each other
to flowers.
"More like a rose," Tetchan
said.
"But I feel that it's Sakura.
Isn't it said that under Sakura trees, bodies are often buried? They're
gorgeous, but there's another aspect to them."
Always—
I've always kept it close to
my heart, even when you were struggling to break away. It wasn't really
a choice; I really wouldn't have minded losing you, if I could hurt you.
If I could see what’s the extent that you would allow yourself to be hurt—
It's the only way that I could
get to know you.
You are mine
But this is the last time. I'm
both a rose and sakura.
I pierce through you, and bury
your body under—
Only then, am I truly myself.
"No..." And it slowly fades away. Flesh is beautiful. The last dying spirit, I feel it hovering over me, as I push myself in. Your last song, like the bird's—
You are mine forever—
Pierced against a thorn—
I wrote you—
You probably never got them all.
Tuesday, 10 December 2002 6:37:28 PM
edited: Wednesday, 11 December 2002
4:04AM