hidoko M'A~tsu~Moto (^_~)

Tuesday, October 26, 1999 9:24:10 PM
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Notes: Without further adieu….

Warnings: Gimme a Y! Gimme an A! Gimme an O~! Gimme an I~!! Y! A! O! I!! *bursts into laughter*

Leads: Yukihiro (L'Arc~en~Ciel) and Sakura (Zigzo) others: Hyde (L'Arc~en~Ciel), Tetsu (L'Arc~en~Ciel)
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It all began with a phone call.

This might sound corny, I think, but it was true. What had happened had began with that cursed phone call. There it sounded, annoyingly, while I was getting a well-deserved rest in my den, just about to fall asleep. The first thought which occurred in my mind was 'Work, work again!' But I had climbed up, lethargically, and dragged myself to the phone.

"Moshi moshi?" I greeted, but there was only silence. I waited. I was not sure if it was a prank call, since my number was unlisted, but it could well be from someone I knew. I checked the caller-ID. It was not a number of someone whom I knew. I waited for a longer time, then, deciding that it was just some idiot—possibly Ken calling from his friend's—I decided to put down. But he had to speak at the right time.

"……Yukihiro ka?" It was a deep male voice, not as deep as Hyde's, and quieter.

"Ee, may I know who is on the other end?" I asked.

"…." Silence. I wondered if it was another fan call; one week ago I had received one from a hentai girl who rambled on endlessly then proceeded to ask me for Hyde's number—and I had forgotten to change my number. This one seemed different, however—there was something which drew me on.

"I'm going to hang up," I told him matter-of-factly, and waited again. He laughed. Feeling confused and annoyed, I demanded, "What's so funny?"

"……Just as Hyde had told me…" He said. Then he paused again. A thousand questions came rushing to my mind, but he seemed to sense it, and spoke, "I am Sakura."

"Sakura?!" I exclaimed, almost dropping the phone. "You…. Why are you calling me?"

"…I… I don't know." Pause. "You are the present drummer of Laruku, ne?"

"Un. Does that—"

I could almost hear the smile over the phone as he replied. Perhaps the smile was bitter, and resigned. "I just called you because I wanted to. How's your vacation?"

"Disturbed, thanks to you," I said. Was he calling just to irritate me, or was he calling to test what kind of person I was? Even though we both were Laruku's drummer at different periods of time—he the past and me the present—we had never met once in our lives. "I was about to fall asleep."

"I see," He sounded amused, then, casually, "Care for dinner?"

I was not sure if I wanted to, but I replied, "Okay."

"My treat, if that's what you're thinking about."

"Hey," I retorted, annoyed. He stifled a laughter, I could hear all these. Then he told me that he would pick me up at eight, so I had better be ready by then.

Not like I cared, I could have walked away and not be home the time he arrived—but I decided to stay. I was in the bathroom with an English rock song playing in the stereo which I had installed in my room, when the bell sounded. Hurriedly, I dried myself and dressed, then rushed to the door. But there was no one there by then. I heaved a sigh, either of relief or annoyance at this prank, and perhaps disappointed that he should go away so fast, and—suddenly a hand cupped my mouth, and the other hand was over my chest, pinning me against his bigger and more muscular form.

"I have your key, Yuki," He told me. I could tell he was grinning, though I had not seen his face in the fading light.

My heart beat faster, I was somewhat scared, not knowing what this man would do to me, but I contemplated the fact that he could not do much to me. He already had his own band—Zigzo, if my memory was right—and it was majoring already. Surely, there was nothing that he could do.

But his hand traveled down from my chest, to under my shirt, caressing the skin underneath, and I moaned unwittingly. He played with my nipples, making pleasures come into my mind, then it traveled down again to my drawstring shorts, into it, when all of a sudden the intense pleasure came stabbing at my consciousness. It was then that I awoke from the trance of pleasures, here was a stranger and he was doing strange things to me. I reached up, while his hand got deeper, and my hand grabbed the hand which cupped my face, and bit it. He exclaimed in shock, but cupped harder, while I almost felt my jaw crack. I struggled against him, and managed to push him away.

"Just what the hell do you think you are doing?!" I demanded, backing away from him, while he laughed lightheartedly. There he stood, dressed casually in black.

"Aren't you ready for dinner?"

I eyed him untrustingly. "What do you want?"

"Come on, hurry up, and change. I'll wait for you here," He promptly plunked down onto the sofa comfortably. I glared at him, and he just looked back at me with a cheeky face. 'This man definitely has a screw lost somewhere,' I thought. I went into the room, and locked the door. I did not feel safe around him. Not after what he had done anyway.

I emerged with a yellow T-shirt and jeans, then, as a second thought, brought my sunglasses along. He was standing at the television rack, where I had put purikura of me and my friends in a frame—naturally including all of the Laruku members, and especially with Hyde—and he was holding that frame in his hands. I wanted to call for him, wanted to scold him for touching other's things, but I had paused, because of a look of longing in his eyes. Then he saw me, and hurriedly set it back onto the television.

"Finally, you're done, you slow coach. Where to?" He asked, a natural smile setting back onto his face.

I shrugged, "You're paying anyway."

Of course it was a silly mistake, I realized after I had said that. I could not afford to let him decide so much, what if he had decided to bring me to a gay bar, or something like that? I could not risk it, what with my popularity. Besides, Hyde would probably get hurt from it.

"Well, then," He grinned, and grabbed my hand, "Let's go to Seven Eleven."

"What?!" I exclaimed, surprised, but he just said nothing, unlocked the door, and got us out of the house. We drove to the nearest convenience store, and he got us bentou, canned tea, some cigarettes, three six-packs beer, and some packs of Pocky sticks. He seemed to know what I liked.

Then he drove me straight to a park, it was in the sub-urban part. It was very dark by then, there were only a few twinkling stars guiding the way, street lamps, house lights, nothing more. The park was beautiful. The maple leaves were a fiery red in the day, but at night it seemed so strangely enticing. We ate, smoked, and drank under the moonlit canopy, and Sakura got really drunk, he spoke strange things about his band, about Laruku… I had lost my wits, too, and suddenly everything was beautifully illuminated. And suddenly I saw this strange man in a different light, as he continued to speak about things around me which I never knew of. I suddenly remembered the Pocky sticks, which lay somewhere in the car. Sakura stumbled around to take it, and back, while I looked up at the moonlit sky, wondering why was all these happening.

"Let me feed you the Pocky sticks." He laughed. He held the stick out, the sugar-coated part facing me. I reached forward for it, but he withdrew it. I growled, but he just took the pack away from me, laughing, and made a face.

Well, I was drunk, I suppose………

I tackled him to the ground, reaching for the Pocky stick. It broke, and the whole pack fell from his hand, he had squashed it. There were a few more in the plastic bag which he had dropped, but I suddenly didn't care. He noticed my lack of activity, and stared right into my eyes. There was something in those beautiful dark eyes, which had bewitched me, I did not know, but he just looked up, and I was immobilized.

He threw me off with a flip, and started kissing me. The taste of alcohol was thick against my lips, my breaths were ragged, and my mind drifted off somewhere, as his mouth slipped over mine. Then he looked up again. His eyes were unreadable, definitely not lust, not love, anger perhaps, but I liked it. Of all things, I found myself liking those eyes. He continued, down to my neck, my eyes fluttering closed, leaving an imprint of the moonlight shining through the canopy in my mind.

There I lay, allowing him to do what he wanted. Perhaps it was a revenge. I did not know then, but now as I thought of it, it definitely was. He lifted my shirt; I felt the chill of the night air against my heated skin, and he kissed some more, roaming to explore all that he had to himself that night. I could not remember when, but soon he kissed down, and his hands unzipped my jeans, pulling it down my legs, while I, who had no resistance, lost my mind in ecstasy as he kissed, bit and licked. Then there was a warm cave where I resided, and I came in that cave, my mind slowly fading back to reality to see his face, wet with a thick liquid, and he kissed me again on the lips, roughly. He pulled me up by my arm, with obvious feigned gentleness, but I could care no longer.

I was laid over the front of the car, my jeans dangling down halfway when he tugged it off, and I felt his hands parting my legs. My stomach hurt with all the weight pressed down on it, and so did my ribs. I had difficulty breathing, but I moaned and gasped, the pleasures coming back again at a lesser degree. There was not so much pain until something, probably his fingers, since the nails scraped against my skin, was inserted into my hole, it hurt and it hurt a hell lot. Then the thickness increased, there was more pain, stretching me to the fullest, and I had cried; I screamed and cried, drunk as I was, yelling for him to stop, even begging him, but he did not seem to care. He thrust himself into me, the pain of it most excruciating, but at the same time he had apologized in one breath. Then there was this warm feeling at the back, before he withdrew, while I lay there feeling so tired, but I liked it. Especially his breath and voice against my ears as he whispered sorry into my ears.

It still hurt so I did not move for a while, I was exhausted as well, and he helped me up. Lit by the moonlight I could see him smirk.

The next day, I woke up in the car, still aching, but it was better at that time. Sakura was driving, I felt the feeling of dizziness and I wanted to puke. Sakura handed me a plastic bag, and I vomited in there. He was smirking in the mirror again, and I wondered what was wrong with him. Suddenly that smirk came flashing into my mind, I could hardly remember, but memories poured in.

And the painful sensation was enough to serve as an evidence.

At the first realization of what I had done with him last night, I gasped, looking at him with a furious embarrassment. He asked me what was the matter, and continued driving. He did not seem to care. Then I thought of Hyde, how I had cheated on him. The fact that I enjoyed last night made me feel worse. 'Well,' I thought, 'at least I know how Hyde feels during sex now.' My headache receded after a while, and Sakura drove me back into my house.

"Hey," He said, but I ignored him all the way. He sighed, and I went back into my bed to sleep. He went back home, I suppose.

That night, I met with Hyde. He did not seem the usual cheerful self, he looked tired. I asked him what was the matter, and he replied, "Nothing."

Just as I had expected, I was not feeling too good myself either, even though when something happened he would be the one to speak to me first. We spent half of the time in silence. He had originally promised to cook me curry rice, but he had not gotten the ingredients, so there we sat waiting for the three minutes to be up while soaking the cup noodles in boiling water. Those we finished in silence, while watching some video which Hyde had forgotten to return to the rental shop and was probably piling up tons of cash.

Finally, I asked again, what was the matter. Still he said nothing. He was not the bratty self he was, he seemed so distant.

The guilt I felt had not left me, it had gotten stronger by that time I was about to leave. Hyde kissed me goodbye and I left in reluctance.

The next day of vacation was much better. Sakura did not appear, and no matter how I tried to call Hyde, there was the answering machine, so I gave up altogether and relaxed for that day. I was still feeling bad about what I had done behind Hyde's back, but I figured that there had to be something Hyde was hiding from me as well, and I had a mind to ask him what.

Then perhaps I would tell him about that night with Sakura, apologize, and everything…

The week passed by. I went back to work, during recording and practicing sessions, Hyde was so far away from me. He remained as close to Tetsu and Ken, but he was so far from me. I tried to call him, to make him talk to me, but he evaded me with some sort of fear, perhaps guilt like I had felt, and I knew something was definitely amiss. But he would not tell me, even when we were alone.

I had almost completely forgotten about Sakura, my situation with Hyde was getting so bad. It was paining me to see him so distant, yet I could not do something about it. Then one day I returned home, distressed, to find Sakura sitting on the couch, waiting for me.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"Because I missed you," He replied, his grin somewhat soothing me. Then, in a carefree manner, "What's wrong?"

"I don't know…" I shrugged. It would not matter to him anyway. Then, it occurred to me, "Have you been keeping in touch with Hyde?"

He nodded, and then shrugged. "I have. What's the matter?"

"So… So you knew about us all along, and you—" I accused, angrily, remembering that night, remembering my guilt.

"Yeah," He looked down guiltily, but a smile was hanging on his face. "I didn't expect for it to happen, but you know we were drunk and all…"

"Get the heck out of here. I don't want to see you anymore."

"But you can't deny the fact that that night had happened, can you?" He whispered, taking me in an embrace, pressing his lips close to my ears. God, I loathed that thing. But it still attracted me. I shoved him away, to see him smiling a predatory smile.

I did not reply. There was nothing I could say to that. Then, I asked quietly, "Do you know what's going on with Hyde?"

He stopped for a moment before replying. "Yes."

"What's up? I need to know, Sakura…" I whispered.

"Go over to Hyde's house now. You'll find the answer."

I heard that, and without hesitation, I ran out of the house, hopped into my car, drove towards Hyde's apartment… Suddenly my mind was in a blank, I dreaded what would await me. I had Hyde's keys in my pocket, and I opened his door. The house was entirely quiet, except for what sounded like pained moans coming from a room inside. I stepped close, wondering if, at first, someone was hurting him regularly, therefore making Hyde feel terrible…

I should have known better than to think this naively. The protective self inside me had been shattered together with the love when I creaked the door open, to reveal a peep of Hyde crawling over someone… I stood immobilized. They seemed too engrossed in their activities to notice me, nor did they seem to care, but all of a sudden I felt as if I was hit by a tranquilizer dart. Maybe a tranquilizer dart of pain. Yeah, that was it. I had never felt so much pain in my life, as my heart had shattered. And only because the other was a familiar man, the leader of our band, who was supposed to be just a buddy with Hyde… 'Then again, I also am supposed to be just a buddy of his,' I told myself, laughing bitterly. 'I am known this way, to everyone else… Just as Tetsu is…'

What had I to complain about? Perhaps I would not have been hurt so much, if Hyde had not whispered, "I love you, Tet-chan". If he had not said that, perhaps I would have disregarded it as the fact that it was probably another one of Hyde's casual sex partners. But I knew that Hyde was the one to say what he meant; he had not said those three words until we were together for a long time. Well, I suppose. I cheated on him before, anyway. But I wanted to know for how long this had continued, before that night with Sakura, before he had started acting cold towards me.

Then, I suppose I had been noticed. Tetsu was the first to notice me, he was totally shocked, and Hyde asked him what was the matter. Then Hyde looked in my direction as well, and then he knew that he was found out. He glanced back at Tetsu helplessly, then back at me again.

I supposed I didn't have to put them in the embarrassing scene any longer. I turned, and hurriedly fled from the pain in my heart.

I didn't go straight home, I walked about a while, got some beer, drank those, then went home. Sakura was there waiting for me, just as I had suspected. But I yelled, "What the fuck are you doing here?!"

He smiled solemnly. "So, you found out."

"Yeah, damn idiot I was, too…" I tried to hide my tears. He reached out, and held me tightly, and I finally cried into his embrace. I cried so much that I had forgotten I was in his arms. All I knew was that even though I felt less safe in those arms, that embrace was all I had and owned, at the moment.

The next day, I woke up with a headache again. I decided to skip recording. That was the first decision I made, but I did not have that bad a hangover, just made my way to the bathroom to discover that I had puked the previous night's contents out, and a small headache. Then I listened to my answering machine, there were important ones and not so important ones. There were two from Hyde, one from Sakura, which I listened to intently and replayed again and again…

'Yuki… Call me, ne, I really need to speak to you…'

'Yuki, are you there? I hope you're fine…' Pause. 'I really need to talk to you, please get to me as soon as possible…'

'Yuki, ganbare.' This was from Sakura. He had said nothing else, but his voice was there, so soft and soothing.

I did call Hyde. I told him that I was going over, but I had forgotten to mention when. But when I remembered, it was an 'oh yeah' sort of thing, I could not be bothered to make another call. Hyde must have been fretting about staying at home, I mused. Or perhaps, he really did not care, even though his voice was sincere in the recording machine. I had set the recording machine on, and just went to do some procedures to change my number. So, Hyde could not call in, nor could Sakura any longer. I decided not to reveal my new number for a moment, perhaps to let myself rest a bit.

When I went to Hyde's house, it was nearly sunset, and perhaps when I left it would be. This time, I knocked. Hyde opened the door, a grim look on his face, seeing whom he expected to see. He gestured for me to come in.

"I didn't go out because you said you'd be coming over. I tried to call you, but I couldn't get through. Been surfing too much?" He forced a grin on his beautiful face.

"No," I replied. "I like my Mac, but I'm not addictive, besides, it uses another line. I changed my number. Too many people knew about it."

"……Sakura?"

"No, it's another person. That time this fan girl called and asked for your number. I figured you would be plenty pissed if I gave it out, you'd be telephone-stalked day and night if so. You're the popular one, Hyde."

He smiled. "Everyone has his supporters."

"I suppose."

"…I have the ingredients for making curry rice now." He started. "Yuki?"

"Sure."

He smiled, gratefully this time, and went towards the kitchen. It was almost as if we were still lovers, but suddenly he had gone so cold, speaking as if I was just an associate. I laughed inwardly, at any trace of hope that I could salvage our relationship. It was too late, already.

Usually I would watch him while he cooked, but now I did not do so this time, as I sat in the living room, flipping through the channels on the television. Back and forth, back and forth.

Hyde came out some time later, carrying a tray with two servings of curry rice. As usual, it smelled nice.

"Yuki, Tetsu's coming over later." He told me.

'Yeah, sure, go ahead and stab me while you're at it. Tetsu was the one you stabbed in the 'Pieces' MTV, not me. The knife killed the beloved, right?' "I think I'll leave now."

"… No, Yuki."

"Why not?"

"I… I haven't discussed the things I want to with you yet."

I waited. Was there anything to say anymore? It was pretty clear, wasn't it? 'Whatever', I thought. 'Nothing else could hurt as much as the time I found out about them.' I knew that the relationship was gone anyway.

"Well, isn't there anything you'd like to ask?" He demanded helplessly, looking up into my pained eyes. He still seemed so beautiful. Ah, whatever.

"……Since how long has this been going on?"

"Quite some time," He replied. "I wanted to let you know, but I couldn't convey it to you."

"Then why didn't you at least tell me? Why were you so cold to me all of a sudden?" I asked, tears coming to my eyes. But, no way, I was not drunk, I would not cry in front of him.

"Because I couldn't find the courage to. And because nothing was clear then, I did not know about Tetsu's true feelings, also, I suspected that I still loved you."

"But now…" I laughed sadly. "It's no use, isn't it."

"When Sakura told me about you and him, I thought you were already together. And I felt kinda betrayed too."

"So you hid up in that shell to punish me?"

"It's a coincidence," He whispered. "I was confused."

I could not look at him anymore, he seemed so pained, but I still did. He was crying. Even though he was usually tough, he was crying. What a difference this had meant to him. 'Yeah,' I thought, 'Perhaps he still loved me then and there.' But perhaps his tears were just to convince me. What had he to convince me about anyway, I laughed to myself. I reached out to dry his tears, those beautiful tears falling down the smooth cheek. 'Hyde. His heart was gone and never came back.'

But I drew my hand away as fast as possible, for fear that if I had lingered too much, I would be trapped and asked him to stay. I knew it was impossible for him to stay anyway.

I left the house. I had not missed the sunset, it was dying everything red. Hyde did not come after me. Much as I had expected. The sun was a beautiful fireball going down the horizon, I thought, the blood of the sunset flooding through me, washing all remnants of Hyde and my shattered love away.

I bumped into Tetsu. He was so beautiful, so perfect in the blood red, it was just so him. He had seemed so much like a fire angel. All the more I loathed seeing him, such a perfection. He called me, but I had ignored him, and the look in his eyes… It was so sad. I could not understand the sadness, but all of a sudden I did not quite hate him as much as I would have liked to.

Sakura was there waiting for me again. When I saw him, I felt a sudden urge to break down and cry, just as every time it was. Perhaps, it was then, that the seed of love and revenge was planted.

"What did Hyde say?" He asked, patting me on my back as he drew me into a comforting embrace.

I whimpered. "He's already with Tetsu."

Then I cried. He said nothing, just let me cry. When I finally stopped, I was feeling so much better. Sakura was looking at me with an unfathomable look in his eyes. When I noticed that, I backed away. I was so scared. But he took hold of my arm gently, and kissed me. He looked at me again, probing into my eyes.

"You are not alone, Yuki-chan. You still have… Me."

Suddenly I understood what he meant, why he had done all these for me. But what I did not know was that I had thought I understood, but I did not, in reality, I had only fallen into his trap.

"But, I don't know why. You just knew me. I never belonged anywhere, not really, then I found Laruku, I thought… Sakura, why?"

"Don't ask too much," He replied, leaning down to kiss me again. "But I do love you."

I let him kiss me, suddenly it did not seem wrong anymore. Suddenly I thought I had found a belonging, where my heart could reside without being hurt.

Just as I had thought I killed my heart, Sakura had arrived and made me resurrect it. You see, that was all part of the plan. God, I hate Sakura.

He was gone the following day. He just went away, I presumed, and then I realized that he had checked my telephone number and gotten it somehow. I had never felt so good waking up in the morning, but suddenly I was able to stand up as a whole person again. Sakura had written a note for me, it had only two words. 'Take care'. God only knew how much those words meant to me. I was grateful. I kept it aside. I did not quite know if I had felt love for him as well, but suddenly I just treasured him so much.

I called Ken to give him my new number. Then I heard from Hyde and Tetsu. 'I hope we could still be friends,' Hyde had said. I pictured him with a sincere look on his face, saying that, afraid of rejection. I laughed. Tetsu had called to tell me about a practice, but I suspected that he had meant for more than that.

Yeah, we were still band mates no matter what.

I met with Sakura a lot those few weeks. Even when I learnt that Hyde and Tetsu were going alone to tour Asia I was pretty happy for them. They would at least have more time to themselves without me and Ken being tag-tails. Besides I had some things to do and I gladly did them. But I was happy, I had my band, my friends, and I had a love.

Then things went wrong, it just did. Sakura started acting coldly and badly towards me. I could not understand why he did it, but he was rough, and once or twice he… Raped me. Seemed crazy? Yeah. He did. He just did what he wanted to me and he did not seem to care if I was hurt, what happened to me. The songs I wrote one day would be deleted the next day by some hacker. I did not know why. Then, with all the emotional turmoil, I could not even write songs anymore.

My friends, my band was still a constant support to me, but somehow I had deteriorated inside. I could not face anyone any longer.

Then Hyde came to visit. He saw me lying on the floor, pained, there was quite some bleeding at the back and the front, but otherwise I was fine physically, it was mentally where I was hurt…

"What happened?" He asked, the look of shock registering on his face. I smiled weakly in response.

"Nothing."

"You can't lie to me, Yuki," He seemed particularly pained. "Please tell me if anyone did this to you."

Hyde took me to the bathroom and washed me clean, got me rested in bed and some hot food. Tetsu and Ken had came over in a hurry, but I had shooed them away—what I needed was peace. Hyde took care of me, while I was so weak. I had never felt such great friendship in my life. Then when I felt rejuvenated, he spoke to me again. I told him everything, things just seemed to pour out of my mouth, and I could not bother to hide myself behind the mask of a man anymore. I shed tears like a real feeling human. And Hyde had not rejoiced at my tears, it pained him. He was at first confused, because he was still good friends with Sakura—even though he had said that Sakura tried to do it to him a few times, and had succeeded twice—but he still could not get over the fact that Sakura had the heart to treat anyone that badly.

Honestly, neither could I. The caring Sakura was gone a long way away into the world of monochrome.

Then he felt angry. He said he would find Sakura and scold him, beat him up or something, Hyde was real angry. But I stopped him; it would be of no use. Then Tetsu and Ken were let in on the main details, and we got back together. Hyde helped me get my keys changed—he was the one to give it to Sakura in the first place—and replaced with better locks. But Sakura had gotten in once or twice somehow, and I moved to Hyde's for a few days.

But this could not go on.

I still loved Sakura, despite what he had done to me. And I wanted to give him another chance. So I called him, met him in the bloody old house. He came.

"Why did you do this to me," I started straight away. No fanciful words. I could not deal with anything before I had finished with this. I had asked this before, but was met with no answer. I wondered if this would come to an end.

He laughed, looking at me with a contemplative look, as if wondering if I deserved the truth. "Revenge."

"Revenge? Why? What had I done to you?" I demanded, looking at him who still had my heart, and was shattering it bit by bit.

"You stole my band, my lover, my friends…" He laughed softly, once again taking me into his embrace, which seemed so cold. "Now I will steal your heart. It had been very easy."

I stifled a cry, as he sank his teeth into my neck, drawing blood. It hurt. At least, I understood the truth at long last, the real dark truth.

"I never loved you, Yuki." He shoved me down to the floor. He did not seem to enjoy my pain, but there was such a hatred in his eyes. He kicked me hard. I recoiled, there was nothing I could do. I could not fight back. Why…? I loved him.

He pinned me down, and whispered into my ears, the same old words. 'I never loved you, Yuki. I never did. This was all for revenge…' It hurt the most. I wanted to shut out that hurtful voice, but I could not, no matter how I yelled, tried to drown out that voice with my screams, but he gagged me with a table cloth he had grabbed off the kitchen table, and kept on whispering with that hypnotic quiet voice of his.

I struggled, but he kept me down, he hit me, bit me hard. There had never been so much blood despite what he had done before. There was no instruments of hurting, just him and his hatred. Yeah that was it. He needed nothing else. It was that easy to break me, I mused. Once again I was bleeding, more than I ever had. Both on the outside and inside.

He left me laying wretched on the floor. I lay there for the rest of the night, thinking things through.

Sakura had not appeared any more. Not in front of Hyde, or Tetsu, Ken or anyone. I contemplated the odds. He lost his old life, and it probably had been hard for him. I lost my heart. But hell, I had friends, I had my band, I had my own reason to live, which was to create music and to be part of that band.

Yeah. This was it. Who needed a lover anyway? Who needs to be loved and to love? This was a silly thing. I had been alone all my life, I will continue to be, but as long as I can live my life truly, it will not matter…
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Owari.

Thursday, October 28, 199911:15:50 PM

Hidoko M'A~tsu~moto

Notes: hey dudes, please email me for any comments, okay? *beg beg grovel* Well I'm sorry I potrayed Sakura as such a character, but to me it just bears so much beauty, attraction and power… I liked that character.

I really enjoyed writing this fic, it almost seemed as if the 'me' in this was alive, and telling his story through me. This is what I like most. It almost seemed as if I wasn’t the author. Maybe I wasn’t. Who knows. Ah well. Comments? *beg beg* -->

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