untitled#infinity--a serious Zigzo fic.
hidoko Matsumoto

translated for rei^^

  Recently, I've been feeling kinda irritable.
  Actually, there's really no special reason. It passed by like this, being called by tetsu that stinky little kid "kuso-tarepanda" so many times, I've already been used to it.
  Which reminds me, that kid is really amusing-- he's bugged me for so many times. In the past I knew Kami because of him, and then I became like a jinx; Kami went to heaven. Now, even though it's sad, it's still kinda funny.
  Because, that was the first time I saw Tetsu being so fragile.
  I told him not to cry, even though I didn't have any special consoling vocabulary.
  What's even funnier was, he told me with teary eyes, "I'm not crying, I'm just venting. Really!"
  So amusing, he who pretends to be strong even when he's fragile!
  After that we became good friends. People who form bands always end up becoming friends. Maybe it's because we're together most of the time.
  But, this guy's tough-act is really unbeatable. Haha, that little akuma is just like him! Both are interesting little kids.
  I guess as long as I get used to it, it's fine-- these people who like to bug me.
  To tell the truth, I too need somebody to bug, so that I'll feel less burdened.

  I used to bug Kami, because he was nice, and I liked his smile.
  Although his band is like what my zombie-band used to be, such an ordinary him reminded me of leader tetsu (L'Arc~en~Ciel's), but he never was as serious or as scheming as Tetsu, he's friendlier. Therefore, on impulse sometimes, I would get him to go out with me, chat, drink, share meals.
  Sometimes that little kid would bug us with all his life to follow us.
  At Kami's funeral, when I saw his coffin enter the incinerating room, I didn't feel anything although it's as if I've lost a support. A bit empty inside. I thought Tetsu was probably feeling the same too, so I took special care of him at that time.
  In the end I still got scolded by him: "Fucking panda!" That son of a bitch, dissing my efforts of goodwill!
  However, I was relied upon after that. To be leaned upon is a very comfortable feeling; I was gradually getting used to this kind of days.
  Hey, I'm still the band leader!
  Still, it's not very healthy to be relied upon too much. I couldn't stand it.
  I still needed someone to lean on.

  Just last month, I bought R&R Newsmaker. You should know the reason.
  I saw the Self Portrait which Hyde wrote for me-- it must have been written for me, as a sort of official goodbye, because we met rather recently. It was a coincidental event.
  Flower.....the topics which we used to discuss about appeared, stuff that only the two of us knew.
  ...I don't want to narrate the occasion of how we met.
  Anyhow, I bought that magazine with Tetsu; after that we read it together in the mansion. That little kid always liked to bug me; for one period of time he was staying over at my house.
  So, bug me however you want, but things regarding me and that little akuma are forbidden grounds.
  I was there reading my mags, and saw him from the flower era kneeling on the fallen leaves in melancholy. Flower, actually it was written for me, because I was a flower, his flower.
  It was so idiotic, because I wasn't that pretty.
  But it was so idiotic that it was actually adorable.
  That little akuma's need to rely on something was so strong, without me he'd rely on Tetsu, without Tetsu he'd rely on his own memories.
  In the end, however, he'd still rely on Tetsu, I think, because the guy whose smile was a bit scheming was the only one reliable. Thinking like this, I fell into a daze.
  So, this kid complained.
  "Last night I hooked up a girl."
  "Oh." Anyway I don't have much luck with women. I only have this cursed encounter with this stinky kid.
  "A woman with a great body."
  "Oh." It's you who slept with her, not me.
  "Are you listening or not?!"
  "Oh."
  "zakennayo! kusotarepanda...!" After that he used everything else to yell at me. How courteous of him.
  In a fit of anger, he tore my magazine into half, while I watched Hyde's Self Portrait being trampled upon. Looks like he was really angry...
  But, he's not L'Arc~en~Ciel's leader anyway, he deinitely wouldn't have apologized to me with that kind of smile. After leaving in fury he'd come back to bug me the next day.
  I was yelled at, and I got used to yelling.
  "Yeah like this, wanna scold, just scold. Don't be shy." Once when he had used up all his curse words, I said this to him.
  "Go to hell!!" Immediately these words came flinging at me again. What can I say? It's the little gangster whom I brought up. "FUCK YOU!"

  Haha, sometimes I wonder if this kind of relationship can be called friendship. 
  If I wanted to call him a friend, he'd show me a middle finger. Or is it really that only enemies meet?
  But the funny thing is, he who wouldn't admit the friendship no matter what gave me a tarepanda towel, thus completing my tarepanda toiletry set at home. He said with an evil grin that anyway he could use it when he stayed over. I told him to fucking use dooky-paper.
  After that because Ryo was thrown out of his house by his woman, I had more chance of contact with him.
  Of course, it was at my home. One small mansion contained the band's three people, not bad, ain't it?
  Because he was pretty much reliable, I bugged him.
  While Tetsu bugged me. 
  It's so very funny, like the police chasing after the loanshark, the loanshark chasing after the borrower, the three of them chasing after each other in a row.
  Usually when I wrote my diary for personal use, I would never write in first person, instead I'd write in third person. After that when I read it I would laugh and say that my life was so dramatic. Why not make it into a manga instead of writing a novel, not only it'd be more suitable for comical purposes, it'd also sell better.
  No matter what, sometimes I'd still use first person. It's because I've become impartial to it. No matter how I recorded it, my life was still a lousy story without a proper plot.
  Just like that, once I heard Den tell me that Ryo liked me for some unknown reason. But when I saw that gaze with which he looked at me, I could tell. If you can't suppress this kind of thing, it'd become too apparant.
  Too bad, I had no feelings; I've gotten used to relying on him.
  One day Tetsu bought a magazine, the kind that shoujo read, what with all these psychological quizs. We did a quiz together. I did a similar one before, it's the kind where you represent someone's name with a number, then from there your attitude towards the person is deduced.
  As a prank, I purposely put Tetsu's name into the place where I "liked".
  I got yelled at, haha!
  However, after that my cousin, who was still in high school, had a boyfriend who formed a band to play covers. My cousin who liked Tetsu told me to bring him along, so I did accordingly though with unwillingness. You know, in shounen jidai people are very enthusiastic; I used to be like that too. I watched their practice while giving them advice. They played Luna Sea's I For You of all songs.
  I swear, that song is my life-long jinx. Last time I heard it on radio by chance, and then I met the little akuma afterwards when he made the Self Portrait that was torn by this little kid.
  Reason? I've already killed my heart. I'm already unable to love; that song was almost written for me. If somebody sang that to me......
  No, let's not think about it.
  That stinky fellow and my cousin got along very well, while I watched him being bugged by someone else, which was really funny.
  I bought that single immediately, although that LS band had already done the shuumaku.
  Listening, listening, I thought of the psychological quiz, which had quite some logical representations, such as the song which described me was Laputa's Freesia, how I would normally describe myself was Manson's Mechanical Animals....
  Subconsciously....
  Suddenly, I found that I almost liked Tetsu.
  Just by a hair-thick width. It wasn't to the extent of hopelessness like when I was with that lil akuma, but...

  After that because Tetsu had a date with my cousin, I went shopping with Ryo and Den.
  Actually such a feeling isn't bad at all.
  Den left us coz the route home was different. Ryo and I walked along the same street, conversing a huge pile of rubbish, elbowing him some, kicking him some, being elbowed, being kicked. It was such fun.
  After that when the discussion turned to that little kid and my cousin, I couldn't help asking him, "If the person whom I like is the same as whom my cousin likes, what should I do?" Although it sounded like those kind of stinking homosexual events.
  He said, "if I was your cousin, I wouldn't mind, because if it was vice versa she'd be the one who's stingy."
  I stared straight into his eyes, to find that they were reddish and shiny, the kind that lovers who were about to be separated in TV serials would have.
  When I was about to leave, I remembered that Den had indeed said that he liked me.
  Ah, so it was like that. My life was indeed dramatic, such a pity that I knew it was going to have no ending.
  Because, it was different from a TV drama. They would express their feelings in those, such that there'd be an ending in the last episode.
  Yet the things that have happened to me are all endless, a bunch of stories without epilogues. I could only swallow everything...
  ......Aa! ..Anyway I didn't like that stinky fellow so much, we could just be friends, without being led into a confrontation with my cousin... Anyway, I wouldn't be hurt. Nevermind if I'm lonely, coz I've always been alone all along.
  What made me troubled was that I've hurt Ryo. He was, afterall, my friend.
  Still, there's no choice if I don't like him......There's only guilt and irritation, I think maybe it's a retribution to me as a jinx of Malice Mizer and L'Arc~en~Ciel.


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