Zone
6:51:24 PM March 17, 1998
Beep Beep
Tomorrow is my
Birthday; today is my birthday eve! All disclaimers apply.
Song by Toshi.
Caught in a crowd without being able to
Catch the trend and fitting in the general picture
You break out in tears as you're lost in words
And cannot feel the love and
believe in dreams
Your soul lost and wandering in darkness
Still the heart beats and pleads
to live
Not interested in someone's path
And that scar yet to heal
The voice of the song not registering
And others' values too distressful
The wind that blows across the alley
Of illuminated morals only causes
commotion
Standing outside a gray shell
With hands stretch out in search
of that loved one
Wandering in darkness all alone
The heart beats in a plead for
life
Tonight, Birthday Eve
___________________________________________________________________________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caught in a crowd without being able to
Catch the trend and fitting in the general picture
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking in the streets, I find myself feeling lost.
Everyone seems to look at me as if I'm an alien. So what if I am? It's none of their business. At least I tried to tell myself to that. I find my gaze shifting uneasily to the ground. Okay, I admit. I'm the alien. They're normal. I add, yeah right. Like duh.
They dress like shit. They're the ones who are weird, not me. I look down at my jacket, drawn so that my shoulders would be shown. So what if it is cold? I'm a hot babe. I refuse to add to myself, only a self-crazed would say that. And my white sleeveless T-shirt to show my figure. The black pants to charm off anyone's socks. Like I want their dirty socks.
But They treat me like an alien. Like I would want to wear their ugly exaggerated kimonos. I know it's the spring season, but it's stupid. And
I don't have a home to go back to. No home to change into my kimonos, much as I loathe them.
Yeah sure, generally spring is a time to celebrate and wear kimonos for cherry blossoms and New Year, but
Perhaps I'm solitary by nature.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You break out in tears as you're lost in words
And cannot feel the love and believe in dreams
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not only lost in the flow of the crowd. Lost within myself. I can still hear them yell at me, "Your study is important, you know! How can you go on with your boyfriend?"
I could scream then. It was my first year in senior high and they expect me to get good grades like before? I'm at a higher grading now, mister and madam! How can they want me to? I tried my best!
They did not try to understand my feelings. All they did was blindly accuse my boyfriend of everything. I tried to explain everything, tried to tell them everyone in my class scored that much. They did not believe. They did not trust me.
I found myself losing to anger as a hand swept over to hit me again and again. They've abused me for all these years. Beat me. Yeah, right, it will take care of everything. I threw a vase down in anger, grabbed my purse and the keys, and I am gone.
I ran away, took a bus, which led me to a street busy with people.
I was at a loss of words and in words, as they talk about me like I've done everything wrong. But I know nothing that I've done is wrong. I did them because I loved them, unlike some stupid idiots who refused to live freely.
There is no love on earth, I realize suddenly. Love took the last train and left for some lost planet in the galaxy.
I wonder if I can find the planet and find that love which ran away from these cruel people? Perhaps if I wander on I will find it. I dream of it. I believe in it. Only in dreams can love in found.
Reality is too cold, too cruel.
I desire burning love.
I find tears running down my cheeks again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your soul lost and wandering in darkness
Still the heart beats and pleads to live
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My soul is lost, lost in the crowd. They are the darkness. They burn out my torch.
Despair is everywhere, everything.
My heart aches. Yet it beats, reflecting my desire to live.
Reflecting my desire to find love, even in my dreams.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not interested in someone's path
And that scar yet to heal
The voice of the song not registering
And others' values too distressful
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't want to study and be a nerd. I don't want to lose my smile and be lost inside the books. I don't want to be buried inside the pile of homework.
Though they said, I must study hard to be good. To be professionals like the others and so call to contribute to the society.
But I find that they are weak when it comes to standing up for themselves, when it comes to failure they refuse to accept it, when it comes to love they turn it down. All they know is money and things from the books.
They do not feel like a human should, they do not live like one should.
I refuse to follow a failure's path.
I also refuse to be anyone but me.
I tried to live like that. But it was not me. Everyone thought I was great, but it was not me. And it chased away someone whom I loved.
I became myself since then. I decided to let myself go free.
That scar would never disappear.
And I can hear the song of love playing deep in my heart. But my mind is unable to recognize the none-too-familiar melody, sung again and again by my boyfriend and me. At least not consciously. But I know it, deep in my heart.
Who cares about studying? Love is much more important than that.
Love is everything.
Who cares about what they say? They bring themselves trouble and chain themselves to earth and not letting themselves go freely, soar freely in the sky.
Too distressful for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The wind that blows across the alley
Of illuminated morals only causes commotion
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I run to a back street embarrassed that I am crying. I rub them away, as fast as they could come, and the wind blows into my face, drying them as fast as I could rub.
I stop.
Their morals cause commotion in me. The wind of their morals cause commotion in my heart, they kill my freedom and disabled my soul's wings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Standing outside a gray shell
With hands stretch out in search of that loved one
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They also made me blind. My soul has to grope in the darkness of their corpses of hatred and freezing coldness.
My body is just a shell to harbor my soul, which will group its way out into the arms of his. My loved one.
My body is dead, compared to anything within my vigilant heart, which will tell me of my loved one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wandering in darkness all alone
The heart beats in a plead for life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My soul gropes out of the crowd, the darkness that blinds my soul. All alone, I shall find my beloved, and I shall no longer feel loneliness.
My body may be just a shell, but it thrives to live. The heart beats, and pleas for its life. It wants to survive.
At least until I found him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tonight, Birthday Eve
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tonight is my birthday eve, and I hope to find him by tomorrow.
Perhaps, as a birthday present to myself.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday, March 17, 199811:40:22 PM
My birthday is tomorrow, believe it or not, and I am writing about myself, in a way...
Happy Birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me... Tattoo!
Thank you, life group for cheering me up just that weenie bit and I LOVE TOSHI TO YOSHIKI
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KYAAAAAA X.JAPAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is written in memory of my birthday, which is tommorow, my unlucky numberth. 13th.
Zone
xz0ne
voidmatsumoto@yahoo.co.uk