"blame" Why is the scene from that dream so real?Maybe it's because it has brushed by reality, and merged. Because, both worlds have passed by in their own routes.It's in that world, that I loved you. This world, too...That's why, you in that dream had been so beautiful.Have you ever tried searching for freedom in your dreams?I've met with you in reality before, while securing the bonds which encircled both of us; this is fate.The arrangement of destiny had been so conveniently accurate, yet it never let the two of us pass by each other before.Searching, grasping, yet losing myself because everything hadn't been as I thought it would be.In that dream, I found you, your heart which had always been so near yet so distant.If in that dream, I could find whatever I desire, I would rather stay asleep forever.Every morning, looking towards your smiling face; yet over and over again, like a little child, I lost my way... Gentle, so gentle... On this world, there is no such thing as gentler than the mother's loving arms.
The place which could be your home, even if you were lost, will always be the warmest.
When I was young, I commited a sin which would make even God forsake me.
"A mother's wrath is holy."
When I was little, those big hands grasped my tiny ones, and together we stepped into the chapel. In that place, everything had been pure-white, like the angels' feathers. In that place, my young soul felt that this must be the symbol of holiness...
...I had been wrong.
That had not been holiness; that was, and is, the highest form of sin.
"A mother's wrath is holy"...
Liar!!
...had that invading look, those fingertips, the carresses of the body... Had they been holy?!
...I am the sin that should never have descended onto the human world...
I am... a person whom even God had forsaken. Wanna know what had I first sworn to accomplish?
I swore that, in the future, I would revenge.
That was the secret which no one knew, the secret that was the deepest wounds of my soul. Every night, the wind's sighs reminded me of my own sobs... yes... That was the deepest secret from my heart.After that, revenge wasn't my sole target.
Because... Those disgusting humans, they jeered at me...
Maybe my character had been moulded... By that time?
How ironic.
My targets of revenge had expanded till it included more than my mother; it included every human who ever looked down on me, or laughed at me...
I swore, when I grew up, I was going to be rich and powerful.
Even if I had to sell my soul, it didn't matter; anyway my soul is worthless.
I worked hard in my part time chores.I, who didn't have any talents, could do nothing but work more dilligently... After that, my friends happened to like some band; to keep up with them, I started to play drums.Maybe you want to ask me, what had been my feeling when I first beat the drums?
My answer is, void.
Yes, because they happened to need a drummer at that time, I started to play the drums.
The reason had been so simple...Anyway I got used to seperation; after that we disbanded, then joined another band. It all didn't matter to me, as long as there was a place which allowed me to do the only thing which I could do, I went.The first time I met with L'Arc~en~Ciel's leader, tetsu, was at a small livehouse in Shibuya. At that time he wore a black shirt with blue jeans; anyone would have thought he was a normal, hot-blooded kid. He looked me up, and asked for my phone number; I felt it was interesting, so I gave it to him under a moment's impulse.
Anyway, I didn't have any thoughts of leaving that band which I was in, because I didn't have any confirmation that L'Arc~en~Ciel needed me. As long as I was needed, I would go; that was my only principle for existing.On the telephone, we didn't talk for long; all in all, I wasn't about to make any decision to agree.At last, rather helplessly, he threw the last resort at me, "Well, we really need a drummer. I believe this is your place; not anyone could do it! What do you want, that'll make you come here?"
"Anything?" I had answered him like this.
"...Un."
"Then, I want you....."
The phone hung up; I was surprised at myself for saying something like this. Still, he called again after that and told me rather uncomfortably, "No matter what, it's fine. Come for the tryouts."
Just like that, I went to Osaka. had been very taut, but after I agreed to join, it relaxed. I'm a hentai, but not to the extent of forcing people to go to bed with me; so rather subtly, I pretended to forget.
I was able to interact very well with the vocalist; that little kid named hyde.
I think, it must have been... The first time I knew what "friends" were? After I joined the band, we held a celebration; drank quite a few bottles of alcohol, and soon we were in the 'maboroshi' state.That time, because I was drunk, I said a very ridiculous thing..."If we ever become famous, I'll surely take drugs!"It had really been retarded.Hadn't it?I couldn't see through tetsu's expression, I knew he'd been treating me with a normal person's attitude. I didn't look forward to anything, anyway whatever I said couldn't be taken back.ken guffawed, saying that I was such a funny person.hyde... He nodded, almost as if he understood what I was trying to say....
That time when I said that, I hadn't been sure; but now that I think of it, I think I remember...
It had been the same even when I became famous; I watched their expressions, which always blamed me for not being able to treat everything like they do; with all their mights and souls. I'm... Different...
I have, and will, exist like this forever.I didn't know what I was doing, anyway they always had something to tell me to do.
I had my soulmate, I had a reason for existing...
The only thing different was that there will be one thing which they would never will understand.... I think, it is the emptiness of living.... Whether I become famous or not, it doesn't make any difference to me.Every morning I wake up, open my eyes, discovering the feeling of reality; and after that the sensations of living will come over me.Everyday, it is the same.
Anyway I'm already numbed until I can no longer be number; I'm this kind of person. The band isn't my reason for striving anymore...because, aa...
I...No, no one will understand, even if it's hideto....
Anyway, when you've reached the highest peak... there's nowhere to go. So what if it's success?
All that were to be proven have been proven, all that were to be fulfiled have been fulfiled...
Everything has been completed, isn't it great?
After that, which step do I take?! Can anyone tell me?!
Anyway... there's no use; people with talents are different from me...
I'm but... but a... ...small...
Sometimes, I feel as if my face has been corroded by acid...
Blurry, twisted...
Distorted...
Anyway, beautiful people will never be able to understand, because I'm even more worthless than the demons, I... I'm not even comparable to demons! Because demons can reflect gods, just like darkness reflects light... Me, however, I don't belong to anywhere.After reaching the highest peak of the mountain, I find that everything is empty..
I remember why I had said that at that time...
Anyway, I've given up. This state of numbness that can no longer be smoothed by aneasthesia, please let it be ruined totally... Just..... As long as there's a bit of feeling, it's okay....You who are so beautiful... Will never understand, hideto. -end- by hidoko Matsumoto
 xz0ne
voidmatsumoto@yahoo.co.uk