Hidoko Matsumoto

Saturday, October 09, 199911:29:48 PM

Warnings: Shounen Ai, no lemon :P

Starring: Mana, Gackt, and Kami

Author's notes: A short fic. Mana is actually a guy, but I used "she" because it fits better IMHO.
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Mana sat there, unmoving, as Gackt looked at her once again, saying nothing. Mana had never looked up, he did not move, he just sat there, while Gackt fidgeted a bit, and then tried to figure out what to say.

His face is still devoid of emotions, Gackt thought, his heart breaking into pieces, he had so much wanted to see Mana smile once, or cry… It would not matter which. He took the wine to his lips, and lingered—perhaps Mana would say something, when time passed, to nothing.

"…Are you really going to leave." Gackt thought he heard a small hint of pain in that calm voice. But it could just have been an imagination; Mana's face refused to change, though she had not looked at him once.

"Yes," Gackt smiled sadly, lifting his face from the glass. If I didn't love you at all, perhaps, I would not have stayed for so long…. But now, I just need your words to make me stay, anything, it will do…. Why am I so weak?

"Well then, is there nothing I can do to make you stay?" Mana's voice became colder, as she stood up, still looking away, while Gackt probed into her face—intently—but coming up with nothing, nothing at all.

::Face it, Gackt, he doesn't like you the slightest bit. He doesn't love you at all, he truly loves no one…:: Stop! Stop! He cried inwardly at the wicked sounding voices echoing in his head. You don't know anything! Anything at all! Shut up! Stop torturing me…

He looked down into his glass. He could not reply.

Mana turned, and walked towards the door, and Gackt took another sip…

::He truly loves no one at all, you see.::

***

I… I killed Mana…. What is this? A butterfly?

Gackt wondered, as he gazed at the little purple and blue insect, flitting from Mana's lips, to her forehead, then to Gackt's nose. Gackt tried so hard to brush it away. But he saw something else in it.

::Why did you kill Mana?::

Because I love him… He did not believe his own answers. It was true, he loved her, but he had not intended to kill her, he loved her too much; he treasured her too much…

"Why did you do so, Gackt?" Kami's voice sounded, and Gackt smiled sadly at the butterfly. It was such a beautiful plain which they were in, with the fragrance of the grasses and spring flowers… He closed his eyes. The butterfly flew towards his ear.

"Because."

Gackt glanced down at the unsmiling face, at Mana's delicate face, his serene closed eyes… It would almost seem as if he was sleeping, if not for the blood trailing down his lips. Yes, his blood was red too, just like everyone's.

***

The glass crashed to the floor, and shattered into pieces, as Gackt looked up, dazed. Was it those evil in his head which created the hallucination? He glanced at the door which Mana had left by. He wished that he had called him back, to say he was kidding, but it would have been impossible. It was just not him.

The red wine poured through the pieces of glass, now free, languidly trailed its way to his toes, and Gackt was reminded that he had not been to the beach for so long.

::You have indeed hurt him, you have killed the inner him, Gackt.::

His eyelids fluttered down. "No, I couldn't have hurt him. It must have been my imagination."

***

The butterfly landed on his cheek, whispering something, but Gackt did not notice. He just walked on, carrying Mana's body, the breaths of the wind entrancing to his self, as he felt himself lost within the rhythm of the wind.

"I am a butterfly."

"I know," Gackt replied, falling down onto the glass, hugging Mana's still form.

"I will fly forever…"

***

"Gackt," Kami greeted him cheerfully. Gackt smiled in return, and sat down beside him. Gackt smiled in response, and continued playing the piece of music on the piano.

"Moonlight sonata," Gackt mumbled.

"Beautiful piece," Kami commented, sitting down beside him on the bench, while Gackt continued playing. "People say, you can find yourself in music."

::What do you find in this piece?::

Nothing! Gackt replied to the voice. Kami smiled, sensing something in his friend's presence. "True."

::Doesn't a part of this remind you of shattering your beloved's heart?::

No, it is not so, it isn't, and never was! Gackt continued playing.

::Don't you know that it was true? You had killed Mana inside.::

He could never have died, he truly loves no one….

::This is because he has been dying bit by bit since he had met you.::

This is not true…. His fingers played the romantic piece faster and faster, suddenly deteriorating the piece, deteriorating his mentality.

"What's wrong?" Kami asked, concerned.

"The voices in my head," Gackt refused to say more, as he looked down intently at the piano. Kami, almost sensing something, closed his eyes, and fingered its keys.

"And what does it say? The truth?"

Gackt shook his head, not wanting to think about it. It could have been true, it could have known more than what he thought, but… It was so cruel.

Kami placed a warm hand on his friend's shoulder and patted it. Gackt looked down at the keys in response, and started playing again.

***

The butterfly soared higher and higher, since it lifted from his shoulder, and fluttered away. Gackt watched, not sure of what he should do, as Mana who had continued laying in his hands, faded into nothing. Gackt tried to hold her in reality, tried to keep her existence, but it was useless, no matter how hard he had tried.

***

Gackt looked at Mana. The first time he had seen her façade crumbling into pieces, was this. Gackt himself could not bear it, he had stared at everything in tears as he looked at everything; even Mana, who suddenly was submerged so deeply in a sea of tears.

He wanted so much to hug her, to comfort both of their souls, but he did not know where the resolve would come from. He just stood there, dazedly, wondering what to say. Suddenly even the voices which so cruelly hurt him felt so far away.

Mana looked at him, her eyes wet with tears.

::Do something.::

Gackt was surprised, for once, this voice had said something different, something not hurting.

But… What am I supposed to do? What can I do?

::He has been hurt so deeply. Do you want him to disappear, like you what had been through before?::

No, Gackt thought, his heart breaking into pieces, battling with his inner self. He reached out for Mana, but faltered. Her eyes suddenly dimmed, as if a light had gone out within her, as she turned and walked away.

::Too late.::

I know, I fucking know! Gackt's heart was crying, but none of the fresh tears had shown on his face, as he stood dejectedly in the mild sunlight, on the concrete, waiting, waiting…

***

The wine was intoxicating. He reached for the glass bottle, to refill his cup, but his fingers slipped, and down the bottle fell, only for Gackt to realize that there had been no wine left in that bottle.

A thought came into his mind.

Mana.

He threw the glass down beside the bottle, hearing it crash.

Just like I had let you fall, Mana… I am dead, too…

Just like you…
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~*Owari.*~

Sunday, October 10, 199912:27:33 PM

Author's notes: Damn, my dad made me go to bed just because of some sake… It's not even that big a deal, a kid needs her alcohol dose too! Its not even 40ml of alcohol! (I spilled some while pouring :P) Anyway….

I hope you have noticed the patterns in the fic. I had written this to be slowly contemplated, I hope you will take the time for your own understanding of the fic.

Comments please email.

~hidoko matsumoto

http://xz0ne.cjb.net
voidmatsumoto@yahoo.co.uk