Sakura seriously contemplated suicide.


One week before, after he had returned home after work, urgent doorbells  stopped him in the midst of dinning. He had cursed under his breath as he  moved to open the door. There he was presented face to face with two burly  men in police uniform, regarding him with two equal sneers that carried  almost a hint of triumph.

He was arrested. Accused of illegal drug possession. And he couldn't deny it.

Sitting rigidly in the police station, he had mentally kicked himself again and again.

He thought of his three bandmates and felt an overpowering wave of absolute  despair as he tried to imagine the shock and disappointment that would surely  fill their eyes once they knew of the incident.

The words had got out quickly enough. The next morning every newspaper of  remote importance in the whole country bore the article "Popular Rock Star  Arrested for Drug Possession."

Their manager had came rushing in less than an hour after he was arrested,  furiously demanding to know the details. He had felt sorry for that man. 

Hyde had appeared only seconds later. His dearest friend, Hyde. The small  vocalist who stood with wide unbelieving eyes, staring at him; then fell  to his knees as though they could support him no longer, and laid his face  on Sakura's thigh. When he spoke his deep voice was raw. "You stupid bastard,"  His best friend and lover whispered, over and over. Sakura's heart tore.

"I'm sorry..." said he, knowing as well as Hyde how this unfortunate event would turn the future of his band upside down.

Hyde shook his head. "Damn you!" A hissed whisper. So heartbreaking. But  small fingers clasped his, and Sakura clung tightly to them.

Then Ken had come bursting into the police station, dragging a staggering  Tetsu behind him. The slender guitarist was spitting mad. And Tetsu...Sakura  didn't even have the courage to bring his eyes to meet the frail bassist,  who had remained very silent even in the bustling crowd, speaking only when  necessary.

All he could do was apologize and apologize, and he found himself doing just  that, stopping only when his small lover, always calm, cradled his head  and hushed him.

Then finally he dared to look at Tetsu, and what he beheld had completely  crushed him. Standing beside the tall guitarist, Tetsu had appeared more  fragile than ever. His usually pleasant face was grave, pale lips pressed  tightly into a thin line as he listened numbly, like a statue, to the voices  around him. His smooth skin Sakura had never seen so white; it was as if  blood had been drained mercilessly away from that lovely face. And those  eyes, oh, those eyes, were so sad they made Sakura's heart wrench in shame.

Maybe he sensed Sakura gazes, maybe he did not, but Tetsu turned those beautiful  eyes to him and, for a brief second, bestowed upon him a faint but reassuring  smile, leaving the other man unbelievably relieved.


It still made the drummer's eyes ache whenever he remembered that gentle smile, meant only for him.

His sentence was extremely light, considering his crime. And now, a week later, he was in his tiny apartment, waiting.

All the while he contemplated suicide for the faults his stupidity had brought.  Damn those drugs. He'd got them from a friend - and damn that 'friend' -  out of curiosity, but did not even have a chance to try them out yet - but  it meant little to the court obviously. A crime was a crime.

His strong hands fiddled with a pair of drumsticks, his mind a jumble. Can I live without them? The drum, the music, and...them?

A knock on the door.

He breathed deeply. Of course he knew who it was, who it must be, for he  had waited long just for that person. "The door isn't locked, Hyde."

The said man entered then, replying as he closed and locked the door behind  him, "You shouldn't have left it unlocked, Sakura. It's unsafe."

Sakura snorted and laughed. He watched Hyde move warily to the small sofa  opposite to his as was the smaller man's habit whenever he visited Sakura's  home, and the drummer couldn't help but noticed how the other man was still  a sight to behold even in distress.

It was Hyde who broke the lull. "The decision's made."

Sakura's heart skipped a beat. "By the three of you?"

"No." Hyde winced. "It was...suggested to us."

"Pray tell, what is it?"

"They will issue an announcement to the media about the decision you've made  about traveling to London and studying music there..."

Sakura snorted again, disgusted. "Thanks so much for being considerate."

Hyde, weary, raked a hand through the velvety raven hair. It seemed like he wanted to say something but decided against it.

Sakura brought the tips of the drumsticks to his lips. "So...I guess this is really it then, isn't it?" He asked quietly.

Hyde lowered his eyes. "It's either this or we disband, Sakura."

Disband.

He nodded. "I understand completely." A short laugh. "Hell, I bloody deserve all this, if not worse!"

"I know you love the band as much as we do. We all know," Hyde said softly.  "And we truly don't give a damn about what's happened, Sakura, as long as  you promise us never to make the same mistake again. But they are adamant.  Tet-chan's being trying to convince them otherwise, though so far they're  not listening to him."

Again Sakura thought of the small form, the angelic smile. Tetsu.

"Don't feel sorry for me, Hyde," he began slowly. "It is I who jeopardized  the fate of the band, and I have to accept the punishment, painful as it  is."

"......"

"I have only myself to blame. How petty..."

He knew that their newest single had been removed from the shops instantly  after his arrest, only one day after it was released. That knowledge made  him feel positively appalled.

The next thing he knew he was in Hyde's arms. Warm and comforting, the vocalist  embraced him tightly. He held him back with all this might, burying his  face in the soft curve of Hyde's neck lest he wept.

"I didn't take the drugs...Do you believe me?"

Hyde sighed. "What does it matter now?"

"Do you hate me?"

"No."

"......"

"Anger, yes. There are times when I become so mad I want to just kill you  for doing this to us, for...for betraying us." Hyde said quietly. "But I  can't hate you."

Sakura was speechless.

Hyde was stroking his hair. "Why did it have to come to this, Sakura? Why? We had been so happy..." He whispered sadly.

Stiffening, Sakura pulled away a little as he sighed miserably. "Forgive  me, Hyde, please. I beg you to forgive me. It was an incredibly stupid mistake..."  And a mistake remained a mistake no matter how much he regretted it, Sakura  thought bitterly. And what was worst was that he could blame it on no one  but himself!

Hyde seemed so helpless as he sat there, looking at him with such sorrowful eyes. The drummer's heart ached. "Hyde..."

"Don't worry about me, dear friend," Hyde made a rather miserable attempt  at a smile, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture. "I'm tougher than I  look."

"Of course." Sakura forced a smile. Of course. Hyde had always been strong  despite his delicate frame; who knew it better than he did? And now Sakura  was debating with himself whether he should bring up the next question or  not. Finally, he had to know. "How is Tet-chan?" He hadn't heard directly  from the small bassist at all during the past week. Tetsu probably hated  his guts now, Sakura thought with anguish.

Hyde's eyes darkened. He seemed hesitant as he answered, "Tet-chan's quite  badly shaken...I think he's taking it the worst." It felt as though an invisible  cold hand had suddenly gripped Sakura's heart and twisted it. He grimaced.  "He doesn't show it in front of anyone but us. And even then he tries to  keep calm," Hyde continued. "But I know he's being crying himself to sleep.  Always a crybaby, you know." That last sentence was the petite vocalist's  attempt to lighten the mood. Sakura tried to smile.

Silence again fell between them like a thick curtain. Both men know the time for their parting would soon arrive.

Sakura couldn't tear his eyes away from the breathtaking creature in front  of him. Strong love and attachment he felt for this being, who had together  shared so many happy times with him. And to think that he'd have to leave  this person forever! Reaching out almost reverently, Sakura crushed Hyde's  smaller body to himself, murmuring, pleading. "One last kiss, Hyde? One  last kiss before we part way and never be with each other again..."

He didn't need to say more. Hyde's pliant mouth was upon his in an instant,  kissing him urgently. Sakura returned the fevered kiss with ten times the  passion, devouring the sweet lips earnestly. He wanted to etch this burning  sensation into his mind, his soul, knowing all too well that he would never  have Hyde this way again, because even if they ever come together once again  in the future, things would never be the same. Ever.

But did it have to end like this! He thought desperately.

A thought crossed his mind, horrid in its selfishness. But it was madly eating  his mind and he had to get it out. "Hyde, Hyde, listen to me..." Reluctantly  breaking the kiss, he held his lover away, gazing deeply into those glittering  midnight jewels.

"Sakura?" Hyde was breathless as he gazed back.

"Come with me, Hyde!" The smaller man's eyes widened, but Sakura went on.  "Yes, come with me, love. We can start all over again! Together we'll make  music. We'll be with each other forever, you and me! It'll be a grand new  beginning!" He gripped Hyde's shoulders.

It took some time for Hyde, startled, to absorb his words in. Then suddenly  and viciously he broke away, causing the other man to stumble and fell to  the floor.

Shocked, Sakura stared at Hyde, whose beautiful face was now basked in perfect fury.

"How can you say that, Sakura?" Hyde all but howled, his eyes blazing. "Leave  them behind! The band, Tet-chan, Ken-chan, and all the years we struggled  through together; you want me to leave them behind?! God, Sakura, how can  you suggest such a thing. How dare you to even think that!!"

Sakura stared mutely at the small figure of his lover, who was trembling with rage, and suddenly felt extremely ashamed.

What had he been thinking! Letting love blind him in that pathetic way! Without  Hyde, Laruku would...would...would not be Laruku. Disband...Disband...No,  no, he did not wish it...No...

The dark drummer slumped defeatedly, his head bowed. When he finally spoke,  his voice was hoarse. "I'm sorry, Hyde. I'm sorry..."

"Are you!"

"I wasn't thinking rationally. It's just that I love you so much...And I  don't know what would become of me without you, Hyde..."

Wordless, but the vocalist softened. Slowly he knelt down so that he was  eye to eye with his lover. He reached out a hand and gentle grazed his knuckles  on Sakura's cheek. His lover leaned into the caress.

Hyde sighed heavily. "Don't be a fool, Sakura. You're strong, and you can go on without me surely. I'm certain of it."

"No..." He almost whimpered.

With a finger on his lips, Hyde silenced him. "Don't you see, Sakura? Tet-chan  needs me more than you do," said the vocalist, deep voice soft and cutting  like a knife to Sakura's heart.

The drummer stared at him, wide-eyed, taken aback.. "What...What are you saying..."

"Tet-chan may not nave realized it yet," Hyde smiled wistfully. "But I've  known it ever since the night Pero left us. Tet-chan had come to me that  night, sad and unsure, crying his eyes out. I knew right then and there  that he needs me more than anything else in the world. I can't leave him.  I never will."

Sakura was too startled to say anything. He closed his eyes in a futile attempt  to shut out the pain that threatened to envelop his entire being.

"I do love you, Sakura," Hyde's words floated in the air. "But I must stay with Tet-chan."

Small hands cupped his face, and he involuntarily opened his eyes.

"Do you understand?"

A long pause, during which Sakura felt his throat closed. Then a sigh. "...You're very cruel, Hyde."

"I'm sorry," Hyde tried to smile. "But please take care of yourself. Promise me that."

Sakura nodded bitterly, unable to utter a thing.

Another pause. "So...I guess this is good-bye, then." He stood up and turned to the door.

Sakura stayed silent. Then he jumped to his feet and spun around to face  his now-ex-lover. "He needs you, maybe he loves you. But do you love him!"

A little smile graced Hyde's exquisite face. "Dearly."

He ignored the malicious stab of pain in his chest. "Are we still friends?"

"Forever," was the reply before the small vocalist slid out of the room. The door swung close with a muffled click.

Sakura stared blankly at the door as though it'd never been opened. He fell  back to his sofa. Did Hyde really just left him? Was he truly alone now?

Try as he might, he couldn't stop the streaks of hot, burning tears from rolling down his cheeks.


Later that day Sakura lay sprawled on his bed, thinking all the while about  his fucked-up life and telling himself that he bloody deserved every bit  of it.

Hyde's confession had shocked him so much he was nearly swept off his feet.  He'd always thought that Hyde regarded Tetsu as a brother, never a lover.

There weren't any clues! ...Or was there? He let his eyelids fell shut as a scene made its way to the surface of his memory.


It was during their "heavenly" period, and they were on a concert tour. At  that point of time the band was in...Hokkaido? Ah, yes, it was Hokkaido,  that beautiful northern city.

As they checked in at the hotel, the band, as usual, divided into two groups.  Sakura and Hyde shared one room while Tetsu stayed with Ken in the other.  It had been like this for what seemed like forever, and they no longer needed  to discuss about it whenever they had to stay in any hotel.

Tetsu was especially bouncy and excited that night. He had grinned and laughed  and talked on and on; and together with Ken their laughs and little harmless  pranks had nearly driven their manager over the edge. Sakura could not stop  himself from chuckling as he recalled how the poor man had almost pulled  his hair off in frustration.

Hyde had seemed particularly distressed in comparison. His large eyes following  their bandmates' every move, sharp eyebrows knitted together as he chewed  anxiously on the tip of a lock of his raven hair, deeply in thought.

"Don't do that," Sakura had chided, reaching out to prevent more damage being done to his lover's beautiful tresses.

The small vocalist sighed distractedly.

"What's wrong?" He asked, moving along with Hyde a pace or two slower behind  Tetsu and Ken, who were now, Sakura noted, engaged in some quiet conversation,  and every now and then one of them would giggle out softly.

He stopped in his track when Hyde tugged on his sleeve. "Ne, Sakura."

"What? Something wrong?"

His lover shook his head, eyes never leaving the pair in front of them. "Sakura...Do  you think they're, uh, involved?" Hyde whispered, finally lifting his eyes  to the taller man.

"Who?"

"Shh!" The little vocalist tugged Sakura's arm again, signaling for him to  keep quiet. He made a small gesture to indicate Tetsu and Ken. "Those two,  of course."

"Involved, as in you and me?" The long-haired drummer teased.

"Oh Hell, you know what I mean!" Hyde hissed unobtrusively.

Sakura pondered for a moment. "Could be," he concluded simply.

Hyde stared at him, large eyes troubled. "You really think so?"

"Oh, I don't know, silly. Personally I don't see any signs pointing to a direct 'yes', but who knows? They could be."

Hyde was pouting.

"Why do you care?" Sakura peered into Hyde's face.

The sensual mouth opened, but no words came out. Hyde merely sighed. They  began moving towards their own assigned room once more.

After throwing his luggage to a corner of the elegantly decorated room, Sakura  excused himself and went for a shower. He emerged ten minutes later, toweling  his wet hair, wearing another towel around his hips. A few delicious ideas  that would keep them nicely occupied through the night had been rolling  around in his head.

He was quite unprepared for the sigh that greeted him. Apparently his lover  had busied himself while he was in the shower. Sakura stared at the mattresses  that were spread out neatly by the locked wooden door which adjoined their  room to the next on in which Tetsu and Ken were sharing. He then turned  his stare to Hyde, who was kneeling on the make-shift bed and piling up  the pillows with an intent expression.

"What on earth are you doing, Hyde?" He asked incredulously, suspicious.  The mattresses did not look big enough to comfortably fit two grown men.

Hyde hushed him with a finger on the lips. "I'm sleeping here tonight," he replied in a lowered voice.

"Whatever for?"

His lover mumbled something unintelligent and glanced away. "I just feel like it."

Sakura chuckled. Hyde looked adorable when he was nervous. "That's ridiculous."  He bent over and began kissing his lover's hair, face, and the smooth forehead  suggestively. "Come to bed, Hideto," he murmured huskily against Hyde's  ear.

He was mightily disappointed when his lover gave a quick kiss to his cheek and gently pushed him away.

"I'm sorry, koi, but I'm not in the mood right now," Hyde told him softly.

When the small vocalist used that kind of tone, Sakura knew he was left with  no place for arguing. "Oh, fine. Suit yourself," he said in mock-anger and  rose to his feet. Then quite unceremoniously he dropped himself onto the  bed.

Silence.

Sakura turned his head and looked at Hyde, who had pressed an ear to the  wooden surface of the door, obviously trying to listen for something.

The drummer blinked. "Hyde! Don't tell me you're eavesdropping!"

All he got as a response was a hissed "Shhhhh!"

"Hyde..." The smaller man wore a mask of concentration as he listened. "Surely  you aren't going to be there for the entire night!"

"I intent to."

Sakura rolled onto his stomach, crossed his arms and rested his head on them.  He was beginning to feel more amused than annoyed. "What can you possibly  hear anyway? What do you expect to hear?"

"I have to do this," Hyde insisted.

"What do you want to hear?" Sakura asked.

Hyde didn't answer.

It suddenly dawned on him. "Oh my God, Hyde," Sakura grinned knowingly, "you  don't seriously think Ken-chan and Tet-chan would be...getting it on, do  you?"

"Shut up, Sakura!"

"What can you possibly do if they were?"

Hyde growled. He was blushing faintly.

The drummer couldn't help it. This was all too ridiculously hilarious. He started rolling on the bed and laughing.

Hyde shot him a scowl, but kept his ear to the door.

Sakura laughed harder.

Neither of them got any sleeps that night.


Sakura had to chuckle at this memory even after all these years. He wondered  just exactly what Hyde would do had the other two indeed been engaged in  that kind of intimacy. And how perfectly blind and ignorant he'd been! If  he had looked more closely, he would have noticed the true feeling his ex-lover  had always harbored for Tetsu. If only he had paid more attention, then...Then  what? Then he'd be able to prevent Hyde from leaving him?

But there was no use wallowing in regret now, was there? The past couldn't be altered, just as his mistakes could not be undone.

He once again thought of Hyde, his little demon-angel Hyde, the beautiful  face ever so sincere as the words deliberately released themselves from  between those lovely lips.

'You can go on without me, Sakura.'

'But don't you see, Tet-chan needs me more than you do.'

Rage, for the briefest second. How can you assume that! What right have you to decide for me my will!

Sakura remained motionless on the bed, feeling very tired suddenly.

His eyes burned. Tears welled, threatening to fall.

He found his mind lingering, for some reason, on Tetsu. He couldn't bring  himself to be mad at that small man, delicate as a bird. Jealousy he felt  vaguely. Maybe not even that.

There would be no band practice for him tomorrow.

He closed his eyes against the offending tears.

Tetsu, are you weeping now even as I weep?

He knew he would have to go on. He knew he would.

But for now, he would just stay like this, leaving the wound open and hurting,  and somehow feeling some salvation from the mind-numbing pain.



Owari. himu @ Sept '00