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TITLE: Taisetsu
AUTHOR: himu
EMAIL: candy_tetsu@y...
ARCHIVE: Yes.
MIRROR: Yes.
COMMENTS: Yeeessss....A hyde x tetsu, this one. I'm sorry if it's
confusing and contradicting and doesn't make sense. (><x) But still,
I hope you enjoy this!
PAIRING: hyde x tetsu
GENRE: Shounen Ai. Sweet stuff that does NOT make much sense.
RATING: PG (G?)

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"I...I love you."

"...Really?"

"Yes..."

"Oh."

"......"

"......"

"So...?"

"...I'm sorry."

"...Oh."

That was the first time of my saying those three words. The last time, too. She was a lovely girl. Cute, bright, and very sweet. I was still in high school back then; and she had been the star of my school, the one whom everyone adored and cherished like a precious little doll. I had been attracted to her the first time we met; though she had only taken slight notice of me.

Still, I had liked looking at her, watching her talk. And I had liked the feeling of liking her.

Several weeks after my seventeenth birthday, I told her that I loved her. Gentle as always, she said I'm Sorry.

Ever since then I have never used the word 'love' again. Not in that way, anyway.

It is such an abstract idea, love. What happens when one loves another? What is /supposed/ to happen? Somehow I have no idea. Absolutely no idea.

And I didn't believe in that word anymore. Seemed like it had lost its truthfulness through all these rolling centuries.

Even as I said I Love You to her, my tender girl who now forever lived, in one way or another, in my memory, I don't think it wastruly 'love' that I had felt. Just a kind of boyish fascination, probably.

I remember wondering, after she had left, just why I didn't feel an overwhelming despair or hopelessness that might have me committing suicide for my failed confession, just like they often did on TV. Instead, I had simply blinked and said Oh, acknowledging a fact and nothing more.

------------------------
 

I had the strangest dream one night.

It wasn't a nightmare, no. Not exactly.

In it I was running, this way and that, in a world that rolled and rolled as I ran, as if it was a huge glass ball and I was a helpless trapped little mouse. I wanted to stop, I was perspiring, my vision blurring. Colors whirled around me, hundreds and thousands of them, so strong and vivid they almost hurt my eyes. My head hurt, too. But still I kept on running.

I was trying to find something, someone. But who--?

Eventually a kind of emotion that resembled fear began to spread in me, and my legs finally gave in. I stumbled and fell. The sea of colors swept over my senses at once. My eyes fell shut tight.

When I opened them again, I no longer saw colors. I saw the open sky. I saw the sakura trees, blooming beautifully around me; there were tiny petals on my palms when I reached out. I rolled my head to one side and saw it was soft grass that I was lying on.

But there was no color. Everything was black and white.

"What did you say?"

I heard a sweet voice, familiar even after all these years. Immediately I scrambled to stand. She was there, before me, ebony eyes bright and white lips drew in an uncertain smile, her hands clutched in one another.

"I...I love you," I was telling her. When I looked down I saw my own hands, and they, too, were white under black sleeves.

"...Really?"

"Yes..."

"Oh."

Silence fell. Total silence. I don't think I could hear my own breaths.

"So...?" I said when I couldn't stand the ghostly soundlessness any longer.

"You don't love me," she replied.

"But I do."

"No, you don't."

"..."

Her smile was almost fond as she looked at me.

"Hideto-kun, you don't love me."

And I wanted to say That's Not True but I couldn't find my voice.

"There is someone, but it's not me, is it? It's never been me."

"But who can it be?" I asked desperately.

Suddenly I saw a flash of gold. Pure gold. And I knew it had been the colors of someone's eyes. Beautiful eyes.

And I also knew they weren't hers.

She shook her head. "Good bye, Hideto-kun."

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But something soft was on my lips, for a brief second. A kiss. Then another followed, and another.

I smiled even as I opened my eyes.

A face was grinning down at me, and the beauty of it was breathtaking. Loose white cloth covered the slender body, innocent collarbone exposed to warm morning sun, under which the silky red hair shone, falling on smooth forehead and highlighting the two liquid depths under dark lashes exquisitely. For a flitting second, I believed in the existence of angels.

Only I'm sure angels wouldn't have pinched my nose.

"Wake up, sleepyhead." He laughed when I frowned, and yelped in surprise when I pulled him down and held him tight. I rolled a little so that he was partially under me, and buried my face in the smooth curve of his neck.

"Ten more minutes."

Tet-chan squirmed. "But Hyde, I've already let you slept an extra hour! You do remember we have a practice today, don't you?" He lightly hit my shoulders. "And plus, you're gonna get fat and flabby if you keep on sleeping so much." He brought his arms to surround my neck nevertheless.

"I don't care," I murmured. He smelled too nice to let go.

I pressed my lips to his skin, loving the feel of it.

"Ne, Tet-chan."

"Hai?"

Her monotone image suddenly sprang to my mind, horrid in its colorlessness, however faded it had already became. "Do you love me?" I lift myself up on my elbows, looking down at him intently.

Obviously he wasn't prepared for my sudden question, and he blinked. I stared in amusement as his cheeks colored. He was stammering: "Wha--why, why all of a sudden--"

Kawaii na.

I grinned. "Come on. Do you?"

"...You know!"

"I want to make sure."

"......"

"And by the way, I'm not letting you go until you answer me."

"Oh YEAH?"

"You bet. And you know I'm stronger than you."

He was indignant. "Hyde!"

My grin widened. "So...do you love me?"

"...You know I do," he mumbled finally, averting my gazes.

I grinned again and bent down to kiss him. Just a simple lips-pressed-against-lips, for a lingering second. It was enough to feel his love for me, and perhaps enough even for him to feel mine back.

After we parted, I continued to hold him, who was flustered and had a face red as tomato.

A surge of satisfaction, along with many, many other nameless weird emotions, enveloped my heart, and I felt warm and fuzzy all over. I couldn't stop myself from smiling like an idiot.

So was this love? A tiny fraction of it, maybe.

I closed my eyes. "Arigatou, Tet-chan."

"Huh?"

"I..." But how was I to express these emotions inside me? I hesitated, then opened my mouth again. "When I woke up just now, Tet-chan, I saw you. You were smiling at me and...and..." I was at a loss of words. How ironic for a guy who wrote most of our lyrics and has a regular column in a magazine.

He was silent. I couldn't know what his expression was like since I didn't open my eyes, but I felt his arms tightening around my shoulders.

Gentle fingers stroked my hair.

"And...I had felt saved," I finished lamely, immediately regretting it. I sounded so weak!

He cupped my face in his palms, and I opened my eyes involuntarily.He was smiling up at me, his eyes shining with fondness so clear it almost made me melt right on the spot.

"Sometimes you're so silly, Hyde."

EH? I didn't expect to hear that.

I pouted.

"But..." He pulled me down and held me again, his hair tickling my senses. "I'm glad."

To say I was confused would definitely be an understatement.

"Although we've been together for a long time now, you've never told me how you really feel deep inside your heart," he continued, alittle shyly. "And sometimes...sometimes...I get scared, too. Sometimes I wonder if you really love me, or you're just confused. Sometimes I fear if one day you'd come to me and say 'Sorry, Tetsu, I mistook our friendship for love. Stupid me.' And leave me forever behind.

"But now...now I know you love me, too, though you never said it out loud. And I'm really, really happy," he finished so quietly I almost missed it.

I found myself speechless. After all, what could I say? To be the object of this sweet affection...! I was beyond blissful. And I kept my face buried in his neck because I knew I was blushing.

"...Now who's the silly one here?" I teased after a pause. The idea of leaving him was unimaginable.

I peered up at him through my bangs and saw him pouting, face pink. "Mind you, I was really worried!" He said defensively

"But Tet-chan, if I tell you 'I'd never leave you,' would you believe me?"

"...Probably."

I smiled. "I will never leave you, Tetsuya-san."

He flushed even redder, his eyes bright.

"After all, I am a fan of yours. And it isn't everyday that one gets to kiss one's idol, you know," I added calmly.

He whapped my head. "Haiiiido no baka! You're shameless." He was so embarrassed he had to hide his face in his hands.

Aah, my cute lover...
 
 

After a short while, I heard his murmur: "Oi, Hyde..."

"Mm?"

"I'm your fan, too."

Heartily, I laughed. Oh, I loved him so.
 

-owari.-

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