I'm sorry. Yes, this is all I can say and I could say it many times without your acceptance. I only know how to write letters, I'm sorry about that, and the fact that you're never gonna see this, because I don't want to tell you. I don't dare that is.I don't know what else to say other than that. I'm not asking for your acceptance, I know that it was my fault.

I know, I can't deny that. I can't say anything for myself. I'm sorry because I don't know what to say either. It's unfair to both you and me, maybe, but it's true. I don't know what to say. I'm sorry for making you and J angry. And I'm sorry because I don't have a reason to. I was in a daze. I know this answer can't be accepted. But let's just say my senses were warped on that day. My horoscope was right, I should have stayed home instead.

So please don't give me a chance…. ……… I really can't express myself in words alone. I know you might never forgive me, in which case it's okay I suppose, I understand a bit how you feel.. But what I had wanted to say was…. What you said weren't true. Don't youthink you're jumping to conclusions a bit fast. You our friendship don’t have anything to do with my favorite bands, the internet connection, everything. You are important to me as well.. But because I want to say this, this will not go out to you. It's never meant for your eyes, my inner thoughts and everything. I just hope this willc ome to pass, and we'll be happy like before, but do you understand that how alone I have been even in your presence? You guys could leave me alone for the whole day, and I'll never forget the other time you just walked away while I waited there, and saw that you forgot about me. You cant imagine that I, who is as feelingless as I am now, cried because of that. You don't know that you hurt me, because I forgave you. You were my friends. But all of a sudden, friends, everything, are not as important anymore. I can't tell you to stop talking to each other and talk to me can I? No, it's almost as if you two are friends and I am a stranger who wants to tag alonng. You tell me that I can talk to you if I really feel so, but you don’t understand how hard this is to leave my mouth. Anything heartfelt is hard to leave the mouth. Which is why I'm only writing this out on paper which will never be dlivered.

You said you care. But I don't believe so…. But maybe because you got angry that shows me it's the truth. It;'s true that these are important in my life, but I had never weighed them against you. Now that I thought of it, these were just about close as they are to you. Have you realized that I havent told you my deepest secrets since the past months? Have you realized that I don’t really relate to you anymore? No, the closeness just isn't there. I admit, I need friends, but because you're my friends I was indeed hurt. Have you ever wondered………. Everything?

No, please don't give me a chance. I don't really ask for your forgivence because I don’t have a reason for everything. I can understand if you can be mad at me. I really do. I may be more feelingless, but I have a real heart like you do. Just leave me alone now everyone…. I would rather be alone, I would rathe rbe by myself if I won't be hurt. But please don’t take it that I'm not sorry. I am………….. I hope you forgive me.

I think, maybe my best friend had really become my dirty smelly pathetic toy cat since Christine left. I know, I am pathetic. It's okay. I hate the world anyway.

~hidoko
 

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