Dr Tetsu and Mr Hyde
Wednesday, 06 February 2002 2:20:32 AM
(+9:00GMT)
Matsumoto hidoko
for hyde
I had begun with an endeavour that I had shared with my good countenance Ken. His reaction wasn't one of anticipation, which disappointed me a great deal, but, overcome with anticipation and anxiety for the possibility of the worst, I had left a letter with Yukihiro that told of my endeavour and what should be done to rectify it. Should something happen to me—should the evil side of myself that I had created take control of me, I would be able to convey my message, and perhaps Ken shall save me from my plight.
I wanted to create a concoction, one that could stimulate the evil part of me and still allow me to be myself. I named the to-be self-counterpart Hyde.
Mr Hyde was the person whom I had always wanted to be.
When I first started out, I started with the notion of "fun". I had never contemplated the consequences; all I could see was the fruit; the idealism that existed in the faraway realms of my mind that contributed to self-enjoyment..
Therefore when I finally began performing my experimentations and concocting the perfect potion. Using myself as the experimental object the Mr Hyde in my mind began to form, and what was left of my conscious being felt like it was being pushed into the background. I had to sit at the back of my consciousness and watch the most dangerous real-life drama unfold like Phantom of the Opera in front of my very eyes.
Yet the evolution refused to stop. As such, being the stubborn scientist that I was, I refused to cease experimentating with an experiment that had failed before it began. I started, and I knew I would never finish—it was a search for the most wondrous side of your dark self, a dark self that you wish you could unleash but couldn't do so without any consequences, external or psychological. I began thinking that it would benefit self; that once I perfected it, the evil side could be released without repercussions, and the two personalities would harbour each other in peace in the meantime.
Oh! What a naïve thought. I soon realised, as Mr Hyde began to dominate, that it was a most vile and vicious self that I had created—that society had advocated suppression for a reason. My body and facial features twisted and reshaped itself into a form that I had not known; I felt my stature reduced in size such that it could glide through the Parisian streets easily and more quietly. Yes, I felt my heart beat like a hole was shot through it, in that ghastly way that a heart does when it beats to die and not to live.
This graveness led me to do things that horrified me once my consciousness returned. He named himself Mr Hyde, and I, as Dr Tetsu, proclaimed myself his friend to the public. With my very own wealth, I helped to pay for the property that he had damaged—in the name of a friend. In private he was my very self, and possibly, as he enticed me in my dreams, my lover. Yet he, being dominant, was also my controller, my god. I didn't love him, not the way you would love a lover, but I wanted him with a masochistic need, the way mankind needs disease and death to illustrate well-being and life.
Why, I suppose it would be illogical to say that knowing morality leads to self-degradation! For Man, needing a reason for existence, had invented morality. And the consequence of morality is that it deters a person from doing something that mankind would have considered detrimental in socially acceptable standards with a mental effect named "ethics". Yet knowing morality while suffering from the self-blame of conscience—and loving the feeling of that anguish—is such a strange fixation! Hyde, using a body that wasn't mine anymore, did twisted things to innocent victims. How he had stormed on a girl, who was barely six, and broke her arms! I had to, in the end, pay for her medical expenses, and this would not even appease her family's anger against Hyde.
And he did unspeakable torture to myself, in a way that I cannot possibly pay for, in a way that I refuse to explain—it seemed almost like rape, but how could one rape one's own body?
As time passed I knew that Hyde was gradually taking over. He was controlling me more and more, potion or none.
It was when I told Yukihiro to pass the letter to Ken as quickly as possible, for I knew time was scarce. I knew that I would lose control of myself to Hyde. With this in mind I implored Ken to concoct the antidote—a poison which would end my pitiful existence once and for all.
Yet he came too late. I watched my evil self laugh at the bewildered Ken, who had burst into my room, and advance towards him with a knife. Mr Hyde was attempting to kill my only friend.
He had been bewildered to see Mr Hyde's face. I felt such an ardent need to speak to him that I suddenly broke through the barrier that with-held me from Hyde and I spoke to Ken, in my own voice, through a body that wasn't mine anymore.
I said to him, Kill me, Ken. You know that I'm no longer Tetsu, and never will be in the future.
But Ken didn't. Instead he picked up a stunner that would stun even an elephant from my writing desk—the one that I had used in my research to generate electricity at an available standard—and electrocuted me. My consciousness was shocked into subconsciousness, and with that Hyde had been locked in, as I felt myself being liberated into the original mental state that I was once again.
Yet as the concoction had made me, my body was that of Hyde, a distorted being that, despite its dark beauty, was also loathesome to the heart's eye. I could no longer comprehend reality as I felt the vile desire to rip everything apart gripping me, as I—my consciousness returning to Dr Tetsu, not Mr Hyde—drove the knife into my utmost precious friend.
And then as my one and only friend died, his blood splattered on my face, it struck me that Mr Hyde was never locked in that barrier. I had never created a Mr Hyde.
He was there in the first place, waiting to strike, waiting for me to let down my resistance, and waiting for the day that I would regain my conscience, so that he could jeer at my regained morality.
finished Wednesday, 06 February 2002 2:46:39 AM