Zone

Sunday, July 19, 1998 10:29:54 PM

Song "Drain" by X Japan from album Dahlia

Talk to my troubled brain
If you can feel my pain
So much hurting that's living in my head
Now I can barely breathe
And now my heart's disease
And my name and my life has been stepped
on and on No! No!

You made a fool out of me
There is no way out
I'm doing down the drain

The name of God in vain
You pushed me I'm insane
Dissolution is knocking on my door
Can't stop my bitter tears
Body and soul is blown up into pieces

Oh Cry out I want to be free
Dry out I want to know truth

Let me drain my feelings out
Lough like a drain
My emotions scream
Let me drain!

So I can't speak my mind
A na ta sa e blind
I am left in a land with just solitude
Has this become my fate
Who's next to be your bate
Vicious cycle repeating on and on

Cry out I want to be loved
Dry out I want to see dreams
Oh! Cry out I want to be free
Dry out I want to know truth

Let me drain my feelings out
Lough like a drain My emotions scream
Let me drain my feelings out
Lough like a drain My emotions scream
Let me drain!
________________________________________________________________________________________

"Oi!" She slapped me on my back. "Have you done your part?"

"Yeah…" I pretended to smile, hoping that no one would notice the anger inside me. My back began stinging from where she hit and I vowed that if there was no law I would cut her into ten thousand pieces, no less, and cook her in curry before feeding her to the dogs. I hate dogs. "Everything's well and fine."

"So, where's the work?"

"Here." I scanned her project file. Empty as space. "What about yours?"

"Oh, I didn't do it." In an ignorant voice she tossed her vocals and her hair about.

"What?! Didn't you care? It's going to be in your report card, Miss!"

"I care! But not enough to waste my precious beauty sleep over it."

"Let's just take it this way. I care about mine!"

"Aw sharks. That's you own business."

***

The day had been horrible! Damn her. Damn her damn her infinity times! Why must she do that? Why must she bluff everyone that I was in wrong? Why must she humiliate me when I have done nothing wrong?

Why?!

I kick that damn stone on the gray road, thought all grayer than ever. I can murder her! I can just…!

She poisoned my heart from white to black and she took my name and life and every credit that I should have as hers! What humilation! What's more, she had to toss it about like some rag doll! I can't take it anymore! Everyone's on her side!

I've been turned nothing by her. I cannot do anything anymore. I can never gain anything that used to be mine back. I can do nothing but compress my feelings. Now I release it! Taken it away from me! Drain all of it out! Drain! Why not let me have nothing at all, if I was bound to be stepped on like that? Let me drain! Let me have no feelings! Let me drain!

Who said God was there to help? He's there looking and laughing at this broken rag doll here. Who would care? He just laughs in sadistic pleasure! No matter how I call he would never help. Humans can never understand, but this… Even Fate is not on my side!

Damn! Damn everything! Why must I have this great bastard trying me again and again, over and over? I've gone mad! No one can get my warm self back now! I have come back like a risen zombie! A rotting, foul zombie. A zombie with destruction knocking on my soul's door, ready to have damage be done. Ready to self-destruct like an atomic bomb! Ready to be torn into pieces by force like you did!

Tears, hot, angry tears burn my cheeks, but I am almost oblivious to it. Now that I have this fire of hatred inside me. Ready to consume! Arrgh! Why then am I bounded to this bitch?! Why not just let me go?! Why?! Am I just blind?! Am I just a fool?! Why not let me be gone forever! I want to break all bonds! No more to be bounded, no more to be taken as trash.

No more!

Are humans so damned? Are they just to be the lords of death? Are humans always ready to condemn? Are they always like that?

Are they?! You tell me, bitch! You're a fine example, that's what you are. Always there to destroy and make others condemn. Anyway humans are just too quick to condemn. I hate this world! I want to destroy it! I want to know! Why must they be like that! Why must they condemn everyone but themselves? Why? Why can't they give me a chance? Who can be more generous! Who will ever be more generous! Who will help me!

Are humans all like that? Are they? Is there any hope that they can just accept?

No, no!

***

Just drain me out! Drain! Let me be no more! Let me have no emotions! They hurt too much to exist! They themselves want to be destroyed!

"What are you thinking about?" A gentle voice rings into my ear.

"Jean!"

"Why? What's wrong with her? You're the one who's at fault, you know! Accept your punishment! I'm sure Jean would never do such a thing as to frame you, would she?" Yvonne said, as if it was meant to be that way.

Arrgh! "I…" I shut my mouth. Yvonne would most probably tell everyone that I'm just defiant. A Na Ta Sae BLIND! You just can't see! JUST CAN'T!

I have nobody with me now! Not even myself! I should have stuck to being solitude and innocent forever than become like this. Who will Jean frame next! Who will she bring into manipulation next!

It's going to be going on forever like this, I know it! Discard it after you've totally ruined it!

Arrgh! I turned away from Yvonne and stalked away, another hot tear rolling as fast as it would. I want to be loved! I want someone to treat me with empathy! I just want someone to be there! Let me drain myself completely! Dreams will never come! But hope…! Hope itself keeps letting people down! Arrgh! When can I be free? When can I be unbounded? When can I see a human's true face?

Drain me out! Drain! Let me have nothing! Drain me out! Let me not hurt anymore! Let me just be nothing! Drain me! Let me! It itself demands!
________________________________________________________________________________________

Author's notes (hope you read it):

Somehow, I write this to express human's ugliness. You can see it anywhere, even the smallest things. You can see the disfigured heart anywhere, anytime, even on the MRT, the bus… Yup! Even along underground passes. Sometimes it needn't take someone to be hurt or killed just to show it. The smallest, most childish thing that can both be seen in schools and workplaces… hah! Although somehow I think this song isn't meant for this, but I just stuck it in anyway since I followed the lyrics. Tata! Hope some ugly Jean or ignorant Yvonne can see their own ugly faces.

P/S: All characters are homemade, so if your name happens to be Jean or Yvonne you have no right to sue me.

Zone

11:23:16 PM Sunday, July 19, 1998

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