http://xz0ne.cjb.net
voidmatsumoto@yahoo.co.uk
X z0ne
18, December, 1998
Ran away without thinking. Ran away with the mad beat sounding in his heart. He said nothing, just ran. How long had he been thinking of the beautiful blonde, it was not known, not to anyone, but he alone. It was to the truth, and the truth itself kept him running.
He paused, the rain pouring down his neck, the wetness of the dream nothing but pain to his heart. It was tearful to his mind, tearful, because his heart said so.
And he did not know what to think.
Yoshiki stood in the rain, in front of him.
The rock star lifted his head, but said nothing. He turned away, preferred that he saw nothing. "Yoshiki--" He started.
Then stopped. He began running, back again.
Why--
He followed. He was a fast runner, everyone knew that; that was why he always beat Toshi at the Tokyo Domes.
Why are you running from me--?
He caught up, easily, and his hand reached out to catch the man's drenched shoulders.
Toshi--
He stopped. Yoshiki's hand held his shoulder firm, but he was able to break away if he tried.
He didn't.
Yoshiki's touch, just his touch, held him immobile.
"Why…?" Yoshiki was not even near breathless. Yet he was choking the words out.
"…………" All he could do was look at the Rose. Yet it was all that he dreaded, his heart pounded with a pain alien to all and still familiar, because of Love…. What else?
There they stood, in the rain.
"Toshi-- Please tell me," Yoshiki begged.
He lowered his head.
Sorry.
And broke free, ran away.
Not this time, Yoshiki… Even though all that you have done for me, I could do nothing for you… Even though--
He kept on running. And Yoshiki did not follow.
***
"Yoshiki--" He wanted to call, but the Rose was chatting easily with the other members of X Japan. He was still so happy. He did not want to break Yoshiki's mood. Not yet… Not… yet…
It was his own mood as well he was trying to save. Maybe he had just been using X as a way to get famous. No longer did he know… Yet, he was trying to convince himself that. So that he could break away from it all.
"……"
"Heya, Toshi!" Hide called out. "Since when are you so free? Come here! Yoshiki has been thinking of releasing the Ballads Collection--"
Toshi turned away.
"Toshi…?" Yoshiki whispered. No one else heard it, but Hide was quick to catch.
He said nothing.
***
"Yoshiki…. I've been thinking…" He started, but stopped as quick as he gathered the guts. Pacing around the pavement outside Yoshiki's house, he was 'practicing' his speech to Yoshiki. He had made up his mind, and it had taken all his will to stick to it. Many times he had not wanted, but…
Just looking at Yoshiki and…
Hide.
Was it possible? He asked himself, and only laughed at himself. He needed to know. Yet…
Besides, he already had a girlfriend. They were going to get married, and have kids, and live a normal life.
There was no place for his feelings for Yoshiki.
Why…?
Was it self denial?
He loved Yoshiki. Every time, just looking at Yoshiki compose, and talk to the band members about everything, to the people to arrange the instrumental orchestra… Each time, why did he find himself with the urge inside him?
"Hi, Toshi, what are you doing here?"
"GAH!!!" Toshi jumped, physically so that he slammed into a pillar. "Ouch!"
"Hi," Yoshiki greeted, smiling easily. "Are you okay?"
He was seeing stars, but he didn’t want to elaborate on it. "I'm fine."
"Hope so," He replied, opening the door. "I've still got another composition to finish."
Meaning, 'I don’t want to have to bring you the band aid, no time'.
The door opened with a push, as his keys slid out of the lock.
"Wanna come in?" He asked, his hand further pushing at the knob, revealing the beautifully, richly decorated interior. Every wall was carefully thought out. Toshi had been there a few times before, but still felt uncomfortable about it.
He shook his head.
"Then what are you doing here?" He asked, concerned.
Toshi felt his heart beat faster than ever. Nothing.
"Nothing."
"Nothing?" Yoshiki was getting impatient. "Come on, Toshi. I need to complete my composition."
"……I…" He was unsure. He looked up, and gazed at Yoshiki, into his ever so beautiful eyes, the way his short hair now hung into them, framing the beautiful face… And even more unsure. Breathless, he whispered, "I want to leave X."
The thought of Hide and Yoshiki had flashed into his mind.
More than just friendly, brotherly gestures… Yet…
Yoshiki's brows creased, and he dropped the keys. It was just a whisper, but the night was silent and it was loud enough for him to hear. "Toshi… Are you sure?"
Toshi squeezed his eyes shut, and nodded. "I have been thinking for a long time, considering it… I need to get away from it all… I … I need to concentrate on my solo career, need to live my normal life…"
He rambled on, not able to catch Yoshiki's raining look. Yet, when he stopped finally and gazed into Yoshiki's eyes just for a moment, he found himself trapped.
"Are you sure?" A tear was falling from Yoshiki's eyes, there was no mistaking it.
"I…" He choked, his heart now in pieces. "I…"
He said no more.
"Why…?"
"I… I told you, Yoshiki, I said…"
"Why…?" Both of them knew that it did not mean that.
He could have eaten his words right then, and said he was kidding. Yet he replied something that will change their lives forever. Changed the path of the legend forever.
He ran away, saying nothing.
The rain began to pelt down dramatically.
"Toshi--"
***
He returned to his house, drenched. Without drying himself first, he plopped down onto the carpeted floor, trying to think of nothing, yet his mind was filled with infinite questions, all jumbled up in one pile. His heart was beginning to realise, too, what Toshi had said, and it was beginning to break.
Toshi--
The phone rang.
He looked at it for awhile, letting the rings pierce the silence. He ignored it for a moment.
It rang persistently, and he scrambled over to pick it up. "Moshi… Moshi?"
"Hi, Yoshiki~~~~~!!!" Chirped a cheerful voice through the headpiece. "How's your composition? It's began raining. Oh, that bad! I'm drenched. Do you think… Hey, what's wrong, Yoshiki?"
"Nothing," He forced himself to smile. "Yea?"
"Don't lie."
"… Nothing!"
"Fine." Hide said, worried. "Like I said, it has began raining, and Hiro-chan borrowed the car since his was at the maintenance. My roommate borrowed the other one, so… Can I come over? I won't interfere with your composition, I swear...? Huh?"
"No," Yoshiki said, sharply. "Leave me alone."
"Yoshiki… Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine! Just… Leave….. ME… ALONE!" He dropped the phone and began to cry softly.
"Yoshiki? Yoshiki?" The phone said, but soon hung up.
***
Hide began running to Yoshiki's place as fast as he could. Something was wrong! As if an idiot couldn't tell that, and he was no idiot. He needed to get there as soon as possible. He thought about Yoshiki's father, and shuddered.
There was no time for wondering.
After concentrating on his running for like ten minutes, he turned the corner and reached Yoshiki's house. He did not even bothered knocking on the door. He took out a paper clip, and turned it into some funny shaped key and turned it in the lock. It opened after a few attempts.
"Yoshiki!" He called out, kicking the door open. There was no answer. Worriedly, and cautiously, he ran through the corridor and barged through every door he came across. "Yoshiki, goddammit!"
He came to the living room and there was a small fireplace. Yoshiki was sitting beside the fireplace, the telephone on the floor, beside him. There was something wrong with the figure he was looking at.
"Yoshiki!" He called the short haired beauty, running to tap him on the shoulder. "Are you okay…?"
To his surprise, Yoshiki's clothes were damp, showing signs of his being in the rain. And bloody. Yoshiki was holding a knife, and it was bloody too.
"Yoshiki!! Yoshiki!" He cried, taking the knife away from Yoshiki's hands and carried the unconscious blonde upstairs. Then he rushed downstairs, hoping to find a Band-Aid *somewhere*. Finding none in time, and worried that Yoshiki would bleed to death before he finally found it, he grabbed a towel and tore it into shreds, and tied it around Yoshiki's left wrist, hoping that it would stop in time. He had to get Yoshiki out of those wet clothes or else he would have died of fever before he died of blood loss. Worriedly he looked around and found a robe, which he quickly got Yoshiki into in record time. He left Yoshiki on the bed, snug under the covers, and realised that he should have dried Yoshiki before he placed the blanket over.
He sighed, and took the leftover towel to wipe Yoshiki's hair and face dry. He found himself gazing into Yoshiki's face, and getting lost in his beauty. He shook his head, and decided to help himself to Yoshiki's clothes before he himself caught influenza. He had ran all the way in the ran, afterall. Quickly he slipped into Yoshiki's clothes, and sat down beside Yoshiki's bed, and began looking at Yoshiki ardently. Half worried and half charmed… He was too worried to leave Yoshiki alone, even though his color and breathing was returning, and too charmed by his sleeping beauty to actually stop looking at him once.
Finally, he himself fell into blissful sleep onto Yoshiki.
***
Yoshiki woke up, his wrist throbbing in a dull pain. That was the first thing he noticed before he opened his eyes. Then, he felt something on his stomach. He opened his eyes, and saw pink hair. It was Hide. He wanted to call, but he was too groggy to think clearly.
What had happened…?
Something was in his memory and it was trying to get at him.
But he couldn't remember not for a moment. "Hide…"
"Zzzz…"
"Hide--"
"Zzzz--"
"Wake up!" His right hand came out from under the blanket and ruffled Hide's hair. "Wake up!"
"Shut up, Yoshiki, it's Sunday, let me sleep."
He gave up, and carefully got out of bed, laying Hide's head on the bed. Since I'm up, might as well let him use the bed, He thought lazily.
He carried Hide with some effort onto the bed, and pulled the covers over him. He wandered over to the bathroom. It's Sunday?
Strange, I don't remember…
He decided to brush his teeth. Just as his left hand was squeezing the tube of its toothpaste, he saw a bloody towel, in shreds, over his wrist. What exactly happened?
He… He had attempted suicide.
Carefully he yanked the towel away, and underneath it was a scar, not fully healed, in fact, quite fresh.
He could remember now, Toshi running from him, the rain… Everything… Hide must have realised something was wrong, and came to save him.
He threw the shreds of towel down angrily into the water, making the drops splash innocently, surprised. Damned, Hide shouldn't have done that… Should have let his life end… It had already ended…
Already…
Toshi was leaving X.
It would mean…? His childhood friend betraying the mutual trust between them.
He said nothing.
It would mean, besides that, that X would be different. That X which he knew would no longer be X. What would X be without Toshi? He asked himself. No matter live or studio, Toshi played a great part. He was the vocals, godsakes!
It would be the end of X.
No more. A tear rolled down the smooth rise of his cheek, as he stared into the mirror for a while. As another tear rolled down, he squeezed the toothbrush and began brushing.
***
One hour later, Hide woke up with a jolt, realising that it was not Sunday at all. Worriedly he threw the covers aside and ran into the bathroom to look for Yoshiki. He was not there.
He bolted out of the bathroom, into rooms all around the second floor, finding no one, and proceeded to the first floor, almost stumbling over in his haste. There was no one.
The house was empty.
He immediately brushed up and called his brother.
***
Hiroshi Matsumoto was in his office, busy talking to the records company about policies and whatnot, some of the irritating things which kept him busy each day. There was a ring in the second line, and he excused himself.
It was Hide. "Hiro, come and fetch me now."
"Hideto, what the hell--" He clamped his mouth shut before he began. Hide sounded urgent. "Fine, where are you? And I thought you could make your way around."
"And I thought it was a good excuse to go to Yoshiki's house. My roommate took my other car."
"So you're at Yoshiki's."
"Yea."
"Where's his house?"
Hide dropped the phone. Hastily he picked it up, "Uh, here's the address…"
***
In the car.
"Where to?" Hiroshi said, unhappily.
"I don’t know!" Hide yelled at his brother.
"At least have an idea!" His brother screamed back at him.
"If I had why'd I call you!"
"So, what do you think I am, Mr. Know-it-all?"
"Exactly!"
Hiroshi groaned. "Fine! Let's go back to the studio, it's not as if you haven't work to do--"
"Wait!" Hide stopped him. "No!"
"Then, Smart-ass?"
"I suppose I'll have to tell you about what happened yesterday--"
"You kissed Yoshiki, and he ran away?"
"No!" Hide screamed. "Be more serious!"
"Wow! You're super, Hide--"
"No, dammit!" Hide smacked his brother on the back of the head.
"Stop that!" Hiroshi slapped his head back.
"Ow!" Hide rubbed his head. "Fine, fine! Shut up and listen!"
"Fine!"
So Hide started with how he got trapped in the rain because *stupid* Hiro-chan (Hiro-chan had promptly bonked his head for that) borrowed his car. He finished with waking up realising that it was not Sunday.
"So you thought it was Sunday, huh?" Hiroshi said, trying to stifle a laughter.
"Shut up! It's not often I get to sleep at Yoshiki's unless it's Saturday, so leave it at that!"
"Oh--"
"Before you try any smart-ass remarks, I suggest we go and look for Yoshiki, in case, you know…" Hide shuddered.
"Okay, where?"
"DU~H?"
"I take it that you don't know," Hiroshi said uncertainly.
"Yea, I don't have a single clue." He made a face. "But I can try. Come, let me drive."
"NO!"
"It's my car!" He yelled.
"It's my life!"
"Hey you know I haven't have a booking as yet," Hide said impatiently.
"But, most probably sooner or later. I remember you driving home when you were drunk the other night."
"I was DRUNK!"
"Come on, shut up. Where to?"
***
Yoshiki had just finished racing with the police car and had to stop his car. It was already going over its limit.
"Excuse me, may I see your license?" The policeman got out of the car and knocked on his window.
He looked at the man and promptly drove away. Making sure that the police gave up following, he slowed down and came to a park. His car was already low on gas and he would have to refill it soon. Cursing under his breath he drove to the nearest gas station, deciding to drive back to the park later.
After having done his needed business, he drove back to the park, hoping that no one was having a party there. Well, he did not know what to hope. He was in a state, and hoped that it would be all quiet for him. And humans could never be quiet.
Indeed, it was quiet. No one was there. It had been one of his favorite places in Japan, mainly because it was quiet, and when it gets seasonal the scenery was beautiful.
He strolled around a bit, and came to his favorite corner. He lit a cigarette and began to smoke.
"Damn…"
"Well, it was your idea."
"Well, he told me once that this was one of his favorite places!"
"You've came up with like a dozen of his favorite places!"
"Shut up and look! He'd better be here!"
Knowing that it was Hide's voice, he put out his cigarette and hid behind a clump of bushes.
"Yoshiki? Yoshiki~" Hide's voice sounded again and again.
To Yoshiki's surprise, Hide's face poked into the clump of bushes he was in.
"Heya, we're too old for hide-and-seek already! Come on out, Yoshiki, I found you!"
Unwillingly Yoshiki climbed out of the bushes and sat on a bench, beginning to smoke again. Hide asked for one, and both of them sat there smoking for a while.
"Why did you hide from me, Yoshiki?"
"How did you know I was hiding there?"
You always sit at the same spot, Yoshiki. That's why you must have dived into one of the nearest bushes. Besides, I saw the cigerette."
"Why are you looking for me?"
"Duh, because you were the one with his wrists slit yesterday!" Hide retorted, suddenly angry. "Tell me, why did you slit your wrists? And you'd better have a good reason--"
Yoshiki turned away. "I…"
"Yea? Tell me!"
"NO!" He broke out in sobs. "I… I can't…"
"Is it something to do with Toshi?"
"How… How do you know…?"
"Even if I use my ass to think, I'd still know," Hide said, good naturedly. "Really, Yoshiki, it's silly to do that."
"He… He--" Yoshiki started, still sobbing. Hide waited patiently, "He's leaving X."
Hide fell out of the seat. "Ow, you're kidding me!"
"No, I'm not!"
"But… But, why? Isn't X doing okay? Why? Yea, sure, we've not done a new song as yet, but you were going to write some new ones! Er, right?"
Yoshiki nodded, not really listening. "He said he wanted to concentrate on his solo career and live a normal life. He said--"
"…BASTARD!" Hide fumed.
"And… You know how X cannot be without Toshi. It will be inevitable. The X that people know has always been Toshi as the voice."
The truth was dawning upon Hide as well. "…Disband." He whispered, "Yoshiki--"
"…"
"Yoshiki, have you tried talking to him?"
Yoshiki shook his head. "No… He just ran away…"
"Damn!" Hide muttered, his fist hitting the side of the bench, bringing instant pain but he was too confused and angry to care. "Yoshiki--"
"And… I…" Yoshiki started, then faltered again, and cried harder. "Damn!"
Hide looked at Yoshiki in pain, knowing how big a part X has played in his life, how much joy had been brought to Yoshiki's life simply because of X. And he, too… He himself--
Had always seen Toshi as the vocal and Yoshiki as the leader.
He had many good friends, all of the were cool people, but his very best friends and the people whom he deemed coolest would always be the people of X. He stopped short, before he himself began crying. No, Hide was not known by people to cry, not even Yoshiki… Yet…
A tear came to his eye, and he wiped it away before he let it drop. "Do you think we can talk Toshi…"
"I don't know, Hide… I don't know…"
***
He found his lips on Yoshiki's. It was a brief moment, and he quickly withdrew, and sat there arkwardly expecting a slap or a punch in the face.
But he… He could not stop himself. He had been thinking about Yoshiki since the day they met, and Yoshiki had been the spark of his life contary to X. Especially his smile… And, how Yoshiki bosses over the members of X, to produce the best music they could--
He was in love.
There had been no one he had met who was as strong in character as Yoshiki was. And he himself, being another strong character-- Loved that.
The blow he had expected never came.
The Rose was stunned, but there was no punch or anything. Hide closed his eyes, ready to be kicked, yelled at, punched, and the next thing, bleeding to death in the park.
Still no hit.
"Why…?"
Just that word?
Yoshiki looked at Hide, his heart pounding. He had never expected… Anyone but Hide, who has laid tons of women.
"Why…?" Hide repeated, opening his eyes in shock. "I…"
Expecting Yoshiki to stand up and storm away, he still said nothing. Mainly because he had nothing to say for himself.
He loved Yoshiki. And not anyone else.
"Hide…" Yoshiki began to cry, hugging Hide. "I'm sorry--"
I never loved you.
"It was Toshi, right?" Hide knew all along.
Yoshiki was shocked. "How did you know?"
Hide smiled softly. "Even if I used my ass to think, I'd still know. I never asked you for your love. I… I don't know, you just taught me so much… All that I know… Yoshiki…"
Yoshiki was still stunned. "But…"
Hide's smile grew into a grin. It was a pretty sad one. "But, Yoshiki! Remember… Even if everything falls apart, I'd still be there for you. Just ask, and I will be there. Just need--"
Yoshiki stopped hugging Hide. "Thank you…"
"Welcome."
***
Throughout the meeting, Yoshiki was hoping that Toshi would change his mind. If only… If only…. It was the only thing he wanted, wished.
At that moment.
Yet, Toshi never looked once at him in the meeting.
They had some more meetings, then finally had another final one.
Toshi was leaving X, and he wanted to respect that. Even though it was totally going away from his wishes.
And X was disbanded.
He was crying again, sadly. And Hide, also the other members of X, Pata and Heath, came to comfort each other. Even Toshi, he stayed and expressed how much he was sorry.
He was leaving X for good.
***
X was gone.
Yoshiki had to bury himself in work, and Hide went on to finish recording his albums and singles. He had found himself a band, Spread Beaver. They were mostly made up of the musicians who helped him in his solo tour Psyence A Go Go, and He was very comfortable with them, even though he knew that there would be nothing as cool as X. Nothing can replace X, but it didn't mean he should just sit there and do nothing.
Hide was always there for Yoshiki, as he had promised, even if he could not be there in person he would always lend a listening ear.
Yoshiki began to realise a new found love for Hide.
It was fleeting, and Yoshiki never did get to tell him. Then, he was gone. Just like that.
"If you could have told me everything
You would have found what love is
If you could have told me what was on your
mind
I would have shown you the way
Someday I'm gonna be older than you
I've never thought beyond that time
I've never imagined that pictures of life
For now I will try to live for you and for
me
I will try to live with love, with dreams,
And forever with tears."
He wished he had told him, but it had been too late. Whether, it was self-willed, or, fate-planned…
http://xz0ne.cjb.net
voidmatsumoto@yahoo.co.uk
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