The first time I saw that little angel was after work.

It was a Christian bookstore where they sold religious titbits for Christ-fanatics, and I went there simply because I liked the ambience. It had been near-Christmas; anyway I had a couple of Christian friends. The only problem with these Christian shops was that it was expensive.

As it was, that little angel sat on the shelf with its large eyes twinkling mischievously at me. It was something that caught my eye. In particular, it wasn't something that I especially disliked; unlike all others. Somehow, it reminded me of something and I wasn't about to fathom what was it.

The little angel's wings were made of shiny material, and its clothes were a pure milky white. Its skin was a faint beige, and with its red hair, I thought it looked endearing.

I had five dollars on me; the angel was fifteen dollars.

I didn't know why but I simply felt like I must own that thing, so with a patter of feet I dashed back into the shop to borrow ten dollars.

It was the only angel left on the shelf, and without hesitance I paid for it with my hard-earned cash. I named it "tetsu", for "tetsu" stood for philosophy in Japanese. I kind of liked philosophy, and anyway the kanji looked nice.

From then on, little tetsu and I were together for a long period of time. Whenever I had some place interesting to go, I would bring tetchan, and I really did thought that little tetchan enjoyed it.

Little tetchan became my soul mate gradually.

Just like a Doraemon, its smile cheered me up, and its pink cheeks made me cuddle up. When I was close to it, I felt complete, and when I saw its smiling face, I felt safe from all harm.

This was the effect that such a dolly had on me.

However, there is a price for everything. It wasn't anything different for tetsu and I. Gradually, tetsu became blacker and blacker due to dust, and it made me heart-broken. I could choose to be with it and let it continue to be ruined, or I could wash it and then put it aside so that it will remain perfect forever.

I chose the former.

Gradually, little tetchan became darker and dustier. Whenever I looked at it, my heart would tear; yet I couldn't help but feel that everything had been worth it.

One time, I had a weird dream.

It was a very very scary dream; I don't even dare to tell you what it was.

At the end of the dream, little tetchan was there in the light—it saved me.

As days went by, I started to hold tetchan really really tight and prayed that it would become true. That this little angel would one day become alive and it would save me from this dull existence.

Of course, it remained a dead little stuffed toy.

Every night, as I fell asleep, however, I felt complete, as if there was something else that I grasped as long as it was in my arms.

We became inseparable; I loved tetchan and I felt that tetchan loved me too.

Time however, never really stopped for us.

Little tetchan's wings no longer shone and its gown was no longer white. Instead of that lovely creamy skin that it used to have, it became gray. Immediately I wished that I had kept it intact and never let myself ruin it.

It started to remind me of my wrong decision, and I blamed myself for its deterioration.

One day, I had a dream again.

In that dream, darkness tore at me. I couldn't get out of that maze no matter how I tried, until little tetchan appeared in its radiance. I left the dark maze, into that familiar warmth where once again I forgot my own sins.

That smile continued to shine, and I think it saved me once more.

I never forgot that dream.

With time, little tetsu got darker and darker. It even had little holes in it which I tried to sew up.

But of course, no matter how you try to save something, it will never be revived.

Little tetsu gradually became no more than a piece of torn cloth and dirty polyester fibre. Its smile no longer shone; instead it simply looked distorted.

My mom told me to throw it away, but I continued to hold it into my arms. I would hold it forever even if it fell into pieces. The thing that made me forget my own ugliness and drowned me in its radiance…

I would never, ever forget such a thing.

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