Hidoko

Thursday, December 04, 1997

Kurama had finished kissing me, and I did not push him away, nor strike him—I never will strike him; I never like causing him pain.

He stops short, and I tell him with my eyes that I do not want to go on. He cooperates, and for that I am thankful that I will not take off his head by accident. He asks, "What’s wrong?"

I simply shake my head.

The first person to kiss me was killed by me. That was my first target—To get rid of Shoku. He had caused me so much pain…

He was my stepfather, and after the meeting of the silver fox who gave me my name strengthened me somehow; I dunno why. Perhaps it was the memory that kept me alive. I have vowed to kill him, but I would need some strengthening.

So I begun my training, having to bear most daily tortures. He was treating me like a toy, and I did not appreciate it. In his case he was a child who tears the toy pieces by pieces, but will not throw the toy away till it can not be torn anymore.

One day, I felt sure that I would be able to defeat Shoku, with my A-class youki.

So, while he was waiting for me so that I can be his toy once again, I sneaked up on him to end his life. However, damn Shoku was quick, and my fireball hit the tree behind him.

He turned into my direction and snarled. I froze momentarily; he charged towards me. I prepared to strike him another fireball. He hit me before the glow could leave my hands, and I immediately let it go while he was near me. He was not able to dodge, and his face was burnt badly. I used the opportunity to hit him yet another fireball, and he got it. He recovered quickly, much to my surprise, and hit me again and again. Finally, I managed to hit him twice and ran away while he had yet to recover.

The few weeks where I had wandered was a living hell. Finally, I managed to be stronger till I almost reached S- class. I drove a sword through Shoku’s head, and in an instant he was dead.

My first mission was completed.

I am back in the present, shaking my head violently. I do not really want to be reminded of the sad past, but it is all that I have, all that makes me wonder if I should go on living. Kurama notices it, and asks, "Are you okay? You had a terrible look on your face, you know."

I shake my head, and watch as he looks at me, worried. "Just been thinking of the past."

"Don’t think of the past, okay?"

I gave him a look of mind-your-own business. I could tell that he really was worried; but I do not want to lose my memories. Memories keep me going, and they keep me getting stronger.

He puts a hand on my shoulder, eyes telling me that it is his business. I relent; his big misty green eyes trapping me. "Tell me what happened."

I look at him, suddenly scornful. Why does him expect me to tell him my past and let him have something more to grasp that is probably my weakness? Why didn’t he tell me his past instead?

"If you don’t wish to tell me, fine. But remember that I am always here for you. And if you really need someone to share anything, you’re welcome." He pauses. "Just don’t dwell in your past too much. Remember that you are in the present, and the past doesn’t exist anymore. The future is worth looking forward to, as the present is worth living."

I nod. Those words had great wisdom; and I make it a point to bear it in mind.

"And don’t forget that you once told me , ‘Everyone also has a sad past. If they do not, they cannot grow.’"

I had not expected him to remember that I said that, much less quote it.

He studies me, and this time I do not look away. He asks, "Should we continue?"

"Let’s." I lean forward, and he seems surprised.

"Just don’t dwell in your past when we’re kissing."

I laugh, and our lips meet.

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