Hidoko Matsumoto

Saturday, November 06, 199912:39:30 AM
__________________________________________________________________________________________

Author's notes: I don’t wanna say too much. But watching this MTV just pains me so much. What can I say? Perhaps I am in too much of a romantic mood :P Whatever. Its another of these video fics again. I hope you liked it.   P/s: Thanks Heather and Abi for helping me w/ the fic... .Well thanks Abi for saying it's wierd to be more specific -_-;

Warnings: Maybe a little shounen ai, since that's what the PV is about, isn't it?

Starring: Hyde.
___________________________________________________________________________________________

Flashes of the memory. I can still remember, can still feel the knife's secrets pulsing through me. Its haunted memories, between me and my beloved, my friends too… I wonder, why do I still remember these things? Perhaps it wasn't me. But I feel the pain of these people pulse through my being, as if I had lived through them, one by one. Perhaps I did, who knows? I did lose what they had lost. Our beloved.

The chapel's soft light is so comforting. I do not know where else I can go, now.

I see it again. I was this butler. Whispering something against my master's ear. Then I stabbed him. In horror, I had looked down at my hands, dropped the knife. The pain was familiar. Then the scene changed, to this dark bar. I got this knife from a strange person. I was with my girl. I stabbed her. She died, too. See?

......I remember me and my friends, walking along the streets. More importantly I remember how Tetsu looked up towards the sunlit sky, where the birds flew by. It was such a beautiful day. He was so beautiful in it. The birds were flying above, freely…. And we, Tetsu and I, had always wondered.... Were they really free?

And in my mind I see me looking up at the sky, seeing how beautiful it was. I wanted to soar. Beside me was this larger body. I do not remember who. Maybe, it was Tetsu. Somehow I know that it was him. Maybe, I am wrong. Maybe I am seeing other's lives through my eyes. I do not know which is the truth, but I do see the pain in their hearts. And in mine.

Then I remember that Tetsu always had wanted to soar, too. He would stand at the top of the building, arms spread wide, with such a longing in his eyes. The wind was caressing our faces as we stood up there, his mind was already in the sky…

Then I see some more. I was a girl, a young girl. This foreigner rushed in, pointing a gun at me, then shoving me aside. As I fell onto the ground, I caught sight of the knife. I held it in my tiny hands, and looked up towards his fearful back. He reminded me so much of the big brother next door who had moved away recently, how I missed that person who had played with me. Suddenly their back views merged into one, and the knife went in. How beautiful it is, the blood of a beloved.

I remember….. Ken in the car, smoking. My friend. I hope he's fine now. I hope he will never make the mistake that I made. To ever pick up these shards of memory, contained in this cursed knife. Yukihiro, too. In the funeral procession, so alone.

Then I was a child again, riding some kiddies' vehicle. My nanny was really mad at me, she was yelling with her fists clenched. I suppose I had been bad those few days. I held the knife in my hands, which I had picked up from the dirt. When I rode by, she had turned, and it was her dying moment.

This cursed knife, does it have to do with destiny? Does it kill who it wants? Is it just out to hurt people?

I think….

I do not know…

Because I remember walking with my friends along the streets. We were in New York, this new city, with other stuff which I had always been fascinated with. I saw this guy sitting by the roadside. He seemed like a really cool guy, so I thought perhaps he had some good stuff there. And then I saw this knife. The moment I saw it, I felt the need to have it. It held such a fascinating quality, this little piece of gray steel, cold and hard.

It seemed… So much like me.

I took it, and handed the guy some cash. He yelled, "It will kill the one you love!"

But… I did not care. I know I had heard it, because I remember it clearly. But somehow something was blocking my inner self from my body. And I just rejoined the gang. The love surged up within my being, as I looked at Tetsu.

We came to this hotel, not too grand, somewhat modern. Yuki and Ken went first, I'm not sure which. Tetsu followed. I chose to go last. I wanted to watch over him. I saw his taller form, in front of me. He was an angel descended from Heaven. I love him so much… He seemed somewhat thoughtful as he entered the building.

Maybe, deep inside, he already knew.

But he walked in unsuspectingly, as the ring of history replayed like a vicious cycle. He was at the door, about to turn it so that he could get into the building. I walked towards him, put my chin on his frail back, telling him of my true heart. And then I stabbed him, while flashes of the long-ago memory scenes, together with the long-ago pain came into my mind. He fell, sliding down like a crumpled angel. What a beautiful sight. I never liked to see him hurt. But, just this once... I had hurt him, and I had hurt him so badly. I felt the stabs of pain in my heart, as if I had stabbed myself, too…. Well, maybe I had, into my soul as well.

I did not feel the sinking feeling of sadness. Suddenly, everything just went into a blank, and I seemed to forget what love was. Or pain, because I was one walking wound.

But, in this void, was a beauty which I so treasured. The inner me had died inside. The love did not. Nothing really matters to me now, my existence is unreal. It is just a shadow of the past, imprinted on the sands of time to be washed away. Maybe, it is better that I had killed him. At least, now, he can fly free. And so can I, because I am not myself anymore.

I had broken into pieces, parts of myself, shattering like a piece of glass. Yeah, these transparent things, are so beautiful. Sadness is a beauty, just like the love. Sleep well, Tetsu….

Ah well, what do I know? I hold my hands in a prayer, in a never ceasing prayer. I do not feel guilt, or pain, but there is still the love. And like an angel, I feel such peace in my soul, I do not feel the chaos of the outer world anymore, as I sit in this quiet chapel. This is where I am, with Tetsu. It's easier to catch hold of his abstract beauty when he is now dead. But look carefully. He's there, isn't he…?

……I'm not sorry. And, I love you.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

1:20:15 AM Saturday, November 06, 1999

Author's notes: please, comments please email me. I want to know how I did writing this fic. Here: hidoko@hotmail.com
___________________________________________________________________________________________
 

http://xz0ne.cjb.net
voidmatsumoto@yahoo.co.uk