We Are Not Adults (English Version)
09.10.2001 tuesday
hidoko Matsumoto

Although I first liked hyde, I like tetsu now. But that was then, and it was then that I liked gackt, but now I can't stand him. Why?

I am a child. I think that children are the greatest in the world.

But, I guess what's even greater than children are dolls.

It's probably because dolls are existent that children are children.

Therefore, dolls are the greatest ever.

It must have been destiny that I met this doll. So I borrowed money from the store (because I was a salesgirl in another store).

The doll is sitting on my lap as I am typing this!

The doll's name is Little tete.

Normally I would find my dreams strange, if I could remember them. My childhood dreams were even scary; they were dreams that children shouldn't have. When I grew up my dreams became scarce, because I think, although I try my best to remain a child, I have become an adult to some extent, therefore I have already begun to ignore the things that cannot be measured.

Once I dreamt that the Father came to take me away, but Lil Tete wasn't around, so when I woke up, I still haven't left. If I had gone, how great it would've been! To be with Father. Now that I think of it, Father looked like Lenin. But I couldn't go because Lil tete wasn't around; I would keep searching for him until I found him.

Lil tete's name came from big tete. Big tete is my favorite bassist. Once I called myself "L'Arc fan", but now I can only say frankly "I like tetsu" but not "I like L'Arc". Because now I don't even like hyde, to the extent of even saying truthfully that I find him ugly, unlikeable (but I would be killed by adults). Towards ken and yukki I have no feeling, although I thought they were talented. In my L'Arc world, there is only hyde and tetsu, and the only one whom I like is tetsu. The one whom I hate is hyde.

Actually, children are narcistic, because once they hold on to the doll they wouldn't let go, claiming "mine! mine!" So in my first encounter I liked hyde. But this is only the surface, and the surface is fragile.

The doll is the interior.

If children are the sky, then the doll is the pillar-- the rainbow.

So my world has been filled by the doll's colours. If there isn't a doll then I will most likely die.

At first my basic daily requirement is dune, now it's dune and TETSU69's solo single.

I like his smile and his character. I like everything of his. I like him because he isn't perfect. It is every flaw that seems specially lovely and cute.

..Look! My doll's left cheek has a little scar.

I chose him because of this scar.

I like it this way. I hope it will be like this in the future.

I remember last year when I celebrated his birthday (because I didn't remmeber his birthday the year before), I wanted to send him a present. So I bought 3 toy cars and was prepared to send them to him. But I also remembered the cards that I wrote for adults when I was even younger. I'd been hoping that these adults would keep them, but they ended up in the dustbin anyway. The hearts of children are most easily hurt by unknowing adults.

So I hadn't sent it till now.

I think, such a cute person like him must still be a doll, must be like me, a child, a child who knows the truth!

But perhaps he has already become an adult. Afterall, children usually turn to adults when they have fame. This is not what they want, but their heads will slowly grow bigger, their consciousness will slowly become colder, their visions will slowly become narrower.

I maintain a child's persistance-- actually, it's because I'm scared.

It's too bad that children are so helpless, because the adults' world have devastated the children's dreams into smithereens. The mere defence that children have is so little.

The only weapon of children is dream...

"It's just like someone who likes Hyde!" this is what and adult has said when I argued with her. If that adult sees this piece of writing, I guess it'll be okay, because I don't see why we have to waste our time speaking in shallow terms when we don't get along. Actually my original intention had been to understand adults, but I was rejected because I was a child.

I hate this kind of adults.

And you adults! Stop asking!

"Why do you like tetsu x hyde?" It's always this question. "You like hyde?"

"I hate hyde!" because I'm a tactful kid who doesn't know how to lie.

"Since you hate hyde, why do you like ht?"

"......" I can't possibly tell you that it's because I'm a narcistic kid, right? How can adults understand the relationship between a child and a doll?

And! Stop saying this, you ignorant adults!

"tetsu isn't fit to be seen!"

This sort of aggravating words aren't considered scarce in this world. I know that I've written similar stuff in this passage, but at least I don't claim to be correct, and anyway I have never said it in front of anyone who likes hyde. This is different from what adults do!

Only adults think that they're the only people who's correct, and they go around spreading their "knowledge" and "omnipotence".

I only hope that these adults will disappear. Or just forget them! Just like ken and yukki don't exist in my world, I guess I should be able to forget adults?

Anyway, the only meaning of adults' existence is to make children troubled.

Hn! We don't claim to be angels or not, because we are children who do not know how to pretend. Angels or not, you're adults. Adults pollute the air with their hot air, but they create an elegant appearance to cover it up. Adults are stinking up the air worse than cars and factories.

... ... ah...maybe it's because children are too persistant that they aggravate adults.

...but I persist in my ideals-- because i am a child! because I still need my dreams to protect me, this is the only connection that I have with tetsu.

Afterall, I'm scared.

Because the world we exist in is the adult's world. And anyway, he might have already become and adult.

"I like hyde x tetsu-- forever and ever."

I dare to say this, at least for now.

It doesn't matter what adults ask or say.

Until I don't like him anymore, I will continuing saying this. Because I am a child, and children are narciss who need dolls.


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